That Dern Gomer

It was all that dern Gomer's fault.

As Barney pulled away from the courthouse he noticed that a rear tire was low. Wally's filling station did not open until 10:00 on Mondays because that was the day that he took his sister to the foot doctor. Barney looked at his watch. 8:25. Maybe he could rouse Gomer from his cot in station's backroom and get him to turn on the air compressor (No charge for air....).

The front of the station was dark, so the deputy walked around to the back. He saw Gomer spread out on the cot and was about to knock when Gomer flinched suddenly. Gomer's deep voice echoed through the room. "Yes, daddy, yes, daddy, deeper...." Then Gomer flopped back on the bed, a magazine falling to the floor. Eagle-eyed Barney Fife saw that it was one of them, watcha call it, nature magazines. The open pages showed a muscular young man wearing only tight shorts. As Gomer slowly threw back his cover, Barney's eyes almost bugged out of his head. Gomer was rubbing something creamy looking on his bare chest.

Barney skedaddled. He was so nervous it took him three tries to put the car in gear. He drove back to the courthouse in a daze. He sat in the car thinking about what he had seen. What was that? He darn-tootin' didn't know what to think. He lit a cigarette and leaned his head back on the seat. The image of hillbilly Gomer's glistening penis kept running through his head. Then he noticed his own penis was bulging under his uniform pants. No, he thought. Not again.

Barney shook his head and went into the jail. He was about to lie down in the backroom and remembered what Andy had asked him to do. The sheriff had taken the morning bus to Mt. Pilot for a meeting. He sure is having a lot of meetings, Barney said to himself. Wonder what was going on? Was Andy looking for a new deputy to replace him? Well, he would show Andy how reliable Barney Fife was.

Andy had asked him to check and make sure Opie had locked the garage before he went to school. Aunt Bee would also be gone all day to a Ladies' Aid Society meeting and the sheriff had some stuff in the garage that he didn't want tampered with.

Barney drove to the Taylor house and walked to check the side garage door. Sure enough, Open had forgotten to lock it. He peered in to make sure no one was there and clicked the padlock. What was that? Did he hear someone in the house? The house supposed to be empty. Maybe someone had cased the house waiting his chance to break in. The deputy crouched behind the bushes at the side and reached into his shirt pocket. He admired the shiny bullet before pulling his gun from the holster. Now, that would show Andy how important he was to him. Yep, if he caught a burglar in the act of stealing from the sheriff's own house....

Barney duck-walked along the side of the house and crept onto the porch. He took his hat off and slowly raised up enough to see through the gingham curtains Aunt Bee had just put up. His second shock of the day was worse than the first one.

Aunt Bee was wearing her usually flowered apron alright. But her back was turned to him and he saw she was naked under it. What was going on? Has Mayberry gone crazy? Her ample buttocks and haunches were practically staring him in the face. He was surprised how white and round her ass was. It had little dimples all over her but cheeks. Barney dropped back down when she started to move. He thought he heard her say, "my turn now"

The kitchen table creaked. When he thought it was safe to look Barney raised himself again. Aunt Bee had stepped aside to reveal Clara Edwards. Not Clara too, Barney thought. He had always thought of the skinny, boney Clara as a kind of Olive Oil type. He was amazed to see how young her body looked for a 64 year-old widow. Her boobies looked so good. Between her legs was the hairiest thing you ever saw. Her pubic hair was wet and matted.

"And what would you like, my dear," she asked Bee.

"You know what I want," Bee almost growled as she said it

Clara reached for the large wooden spoon on the counter. "This is what you get for reaching under that Sherman girl's choir robe last week," she said. Clara bent Bee over the table. Sweet Aunt Bee's ass loomed up as a perfect target. Clara did not hold back and Barney saw five red marks across Bee's cheeks. Be arched up in anticipation of five more.

"More," Bee asked?

"No," Clara murmured, "I have other ideas."

She told Bee to turn around. Clara's boney fingers reached in and pull Bee's breasts out of the apron. They were massive and saggy. Clara bent down and suckled the nipples one by one. It was as if she were a starving baby. Aunt Bee cooed, "Yes, yes, suck mommy's big titties." She must have sucked on them for five full minutes.

By this time Barney was a nervous wreck. His loins ached. He was covered in sweat. He had to get away from there. As he started to scoot back off the porch he took one last look. Clara was once again wielding the ladle.

Bee smiled. Are you going to put that big thing inside mommy's special place?"

He heard Clara cough a bit. "No, I have another place to take care of a naughty mommy." Aunt Bee started to turn around and bend back over the table as Clara reached for a big can of lard....

Barney climbed in the car and drove off without even knowing it.

Down the road at the school Helen Crump told the kids they could go to recess in her deep voice. She then grabbed her purse and ran to downstairs bathroom. She pulled out her compact and quickly covered up a dark shadow around her chin. Better now she said to herself. She straightened the seam in her black stocking. She loved the feel of nylons. And she knew Andy did too.

With the big concert coming up John Masters, the choirmaster, was making sure everything was tidy. He was a small, neat, very fastidious man. Some called him a fussbudget behind his back. The accompanist, Hazel settled herself on the piano bench. She wiggled her wide ass and looked quickly to see if Mr. Masters had seen it. He had. She smiled to herself and started to play.

After she hit the wrong note for the third time, John Masters hurried over. "Now, Hazel, you must concentrate. "You know how hearing bad notes effects my system." Hazel did. She smiled to herself.

Hazel was 65 years old, with an ample bosom and wide hips. That was fine with Masters. He was always attracted to older women. He still had thoughts of his own mother. Many nights he lay awake to thoughts of her. He always made sure the choir had many women 60 and over.

Hazel knew the routine and liked it. The choirmaster would berate her for the wrong note and thenn say he was sorry by holding her. That is just what happened. As Masters held her closely, he began massage the senior citizens ample ass. Not as big as Bea Taylor's he thought to himself, but so soft.

Soon he was moaning into Hazel's ear. "I am so sorry. Mommy, forgive me. You are such a good mommy and I am such a bad son." Hazel then said in a soothing voice, "Yes, son, that was very wrong of you. I am afraid you must accept the consequences."

About then a very rattled Barney Fife walked into the town hall. With auditions coming up. he wanted to see if Hazel had the music to Flow Gently Sweet Afton..He heard a thwacking sound from the changing room. He moved toward and peek through an opening in the blue curtain. He saw John Masters bending over naked. His skinny ass was as smooth as a baby's. Hazel's hand came down sharply on his bare ass cheeks. John just raised his head back and sighed.

"That was only five, mother. You said it would be ten." Hazel smiled. That is not all your punishment, dear," she said. "Come here." Masters turned around. Barney saw that the choirmaster had quite a small penis, but it was erect. Hazel sat on a bench and raised the skirt of her dress. She opened her legs and her thick grey pubic hair seemed to glisten in the light. She beckoned Masters to her with a nod of her had. His trousers still down around his ankles, he knelt down. He tentatively started to kiss the old woman's snatch. "No, No, son," Hazel said, "closer." She grabbed the back of his head and pulled hard onto her moist cunt. Soon his head was buried between her wrinkled thighs. So deep that he choked for air...

My Oh My Oh My, Barney thought to himself. What is happening to Mayberry....

Barney left the town hall in a daze. Going back down Main Street he bumped into a fruit bin in front of Foley's market, sending oranges rolling down the sidewalk. He was so distracted he did not even hear Foley yelling that he needed to pay for the bruised fruit. The barber shop was closed on Mondays so he couldn't stop and talk with Floyd. He went straight to the back room when he got back to the jail. He got a cold compress for his head and lay down on the rickety cot. What would Andy say if he knew what was going on in quiet little Mayberry. It was known as the Friendly Town, but this was too much.

The skinny deputy finally dozed off. The scenes he witnessed that morning flitted and flew threw his fevered brain. The last thing he remembered as he was wakening was the white lava flowing out of Gomer's penis. How it glistened as it shot in the air and rolled slowly down the goofy gas station attendant's long, pulsating penis.

Barney awoke with a jerk of his body. He felt a trembling in his loins and realized his own cock was so hard it was straining the fabric of his trousers. He shook his head. Did that mean he was a sissy? Was he queer for Gomer. Oh no, oh no, no... it couldn't be that. After all it was Thelma Lou that made him feel excited. Every time he kissed her he felt the same tremble. And what about that time at Myers Lake when she let him touch her left breast? When he felt the soft weight of her tit he felt a hot gooey stream flooding down his leg. It felt so good... until Thelma Lou saw the wet stain on his pants. She just giggled and made him take her home.

Part 2

Barney was just about to head back out on patrol when the phone rang. Sarah, the operator, said she had tried to reach him earlier, but he had not answered. Must have been while I was having that crazy dream, Barney thought to himself. He blushed. "Well, I am here now, Sarah. What did you want?' She told him the principal had called to tell Barney that several of the boys had skipped school after lunch hour and would Barney look for them. Oh boy, thought Barney, at least I have a case to work on to get my mind off things. "Sarah, call him back and say reliable Barney Fife is on the case. I'll get 'em."

He drove out by the lake, thinking they might have played hookey to do some fishing. No luck. He drove back to town and parked in front of Foley's Market. He saw old Jud, one of the geezers who was always hanging downtown. Maybe he had seen something. Jed told him he had seen some boys hanging around the old feed mill on the edge of town. Barney snapped his fingers. "I should have thought about that place. Boys are always up to mischief out there. Thanks, Jud

He parked the squad car a block away from the feed mill. No sense letting them hear the car and go running away. He tiptoed to the side door of the mill. He didn't hear anything, but he smelled cigarette smoke. Barney was about to head to the back of the mill when he heard someone coming. He jumped behind a pile of old crates and peered cautiously around the pile. It was Mr. Scwump.