The Adulteress

"How about you? Are you going to stay with John?"

"Oh heavens, yes," Bev replied. " He is just what I want in a husband. I actually do love him; I'm just not faithful to him. We talk about having kids eventually. He is marvelous genetic material for that and would be a great father. No, he's a keeper."

Ted observed, "Bev, you like the finer things in life. I always envisioned you marrying a rich man not a government research engineer. You need someone to keep you in the style to which you are accustomed."

"Well, John does well enough. Mom and Dad are rich and give me money; they have always been good about spoiling their only daughter. Then there is Grandma and Grandpa's trust fund they left me. It all goes together to make a nice financial package."

I always suspected my in-laws gave Bev money. But the trust fund, now that was news.

Bev changed the topic, "All of this talk of adultery is making me horny. The wine and steaks are gone. I'll take the plates to the kitchen. You pour us some cognac."

Damn, I wish they would quit drinking my good stuff.

I heard Bev scrape the plates into the trash can and put them in the sink as I slipped back to the utility room. Ted reappeared in the dining room with two glasses of my cognac, and he and my wife enjoyed a long, probing kiss as I watched through the cracked door. Ted's hands were taking liberties with my wife's body, but she didn't seem to mind.

When they broke the kiss to get some air, Bev gasped, "Let's go in the den and finish our cognac. They left headed out of sight toward the den.

I could hear some faint moans and happy groans coming from the den, but the adulterers were outside my vision. About twenty minutes later, my wife and Ted, both naked now, hurried down the hall, which I could see, to our master bedroom. Soon there was a cacophony of laughter and happy squeals emanating from our bedroom. The adulterous lovers were hard at work enjoying each other.

EXECUTION

It was now H-Hour and time to move.

I went into the garage and made my first phone call. The phone rang twice, and then Charlie came on the line. "Hello?"

I played Jan's first recording into the phone. "Hello Charlie. This is a friend. Ted is having an affair with Bev. You will find them both at her house now."

"What," was Charlie's spluttered reply.

I hung up and called the fire department dispatch office. The phone was answered on the first ring, and I played Jan's second recording. "Come quickly. The house at 8 Magnolia Drive is on fire. Smoke is pouring out of it, and there are people inside." I hung up as soon as the recording finished.

I had to move quickly. I probably had no more than about five or six minutes before the fire department and Charlie showed up at the front door.

I switched on a tactical red-light flashlight I had bought at Bo's Army-Navy store. I grabbed the metal trash can from the garage and placed it in the kitchen. Then I hustled to the front door and flipped on the entrance porch and garage exterior lights, and ran back to the den. In a moment of inspiration, I grabbed my wife and Ted's scattered clothes and dumped them in the utility room. I pulled a gas mask, also from Bo's, out of my knapsack and donned it. Damn, that military training doesn't leave you. The mask went on and was cleared well within the military standard 9 seconds.

Next I popped two smoke grenades and a canister of CS tear gas and dropped them in the metal trash can. The tear gas was from Bo's unofficial and illegal stash of military toys. With my tasks done, I retreated to the utility room to wait.

Out of petty spite, I pulled Ted's driver's license and credit cards from his wallet and pocketed them. I would destroy them later just to cause Ted the pain of being without and having to replace them. He was screwing my wife right down the hall there, so a little pettiness on my part seemed justified.

The smoke grenades and tear gas canister hissed and billowed out a dense cloud of smoke and tear gas, quickly filling the kitchen, and then the cloud poured over into the adjacent dining room and den. Military tear gas is actually an aerosol dispersion of fine powder and not a true gas. Regardless of that fine distinction, the smoke alarm in the kitchen began blaring, and the one at the hall entrance going to the bedrooms followed suit rapidly.

The screeching alarms elicited surprised cries from my wife and Ted. I heard them rushing down the hall from the bedroom.

My wife cried out, "Something is on fire in the kitchen."

They made it as far as the kitchen door before the tear gas hit them. One moment they were fine and rushing forward to put out a fire. The next moment, they were doubled over gasping and coughing, and screaming in pain as they rubbed their eyes, worsening the burning. Snot ran freely. Tear gas is a mean and merciless foe.

Ted cried out, "The smoke is poisonous, get out, get out." He gallantly pushed my wife towards the front door. "I'll grab our clothes."

During the Vietnam-era draft, Ted had some bogus exemption so he had never been in the military. Consequently, he did not recognize the tear gas effects, as would any military veteran.

I heard Ted struggling around in the smoke-filled den futilely trying to find their clothes that were now piled up in the utility room next to me. Within a few seconds the tear gas proved too much, and he followed my wife in the dash out the front door.

I heard the fire department sirens in the distance and hurried to the den. I quickly scattered my wife and Ted's clothes about the den again. I tossed my wife's panties to hang from the top of the ceiling chandelier for good measure. It would take a ladder to get Bev's panties down.

The first fire truck lights were strobing through the front window so it was time for me to be gone.

I ran back to the kitchen, putting on insulated gloves, and grabbed the metal trash can with the smoke and tear gas canisters. I went out the utility room rear door, locked it behind me, and ran into the woods. As I passed the lake, I paused to throw the still smoking smoke-grenades and tear gas canister as far out into the lake as I could and then ran back to my truck. It was only eight o'clock now. I then drove back to the hunting camp, throwing the metal trash can in a dumpster on the way out of town.

THE FINALE

Unfortunately, I could not be out front of my house to watch the results of my Machiavellian machinations so the following was relayed to me later by others who were present. I could only enjoy the events vicariously.

The fire department and Ted's Charlie arrived simultaneously, followed by a growing throng of curious neighbors attracted by the sirens and lights. The tear gas tinged smoke was pouring out of the open front door. The exterior lights that I had turned on illuminated the freakish scene. My wife was on her hand and knees gagging. Ted was bent over next to her with his hands on his knees taking deep breaths. Both were naked as newborns.

Charlie strode over to Ted, who straightened up as she approached. Without saying a word she kicked him in the balls. This elicited a scream of pain from him and a collective gasp from the watching crowd of neighbors. Ted collapsed groaning on the ground next to Bev.

Charlie stood over him and let loose a stream of invective that one would never expect a poised Southern lady like her to know. A fireman grabbed Charlie and moved her away from Bev and Ted, who were both still gasping and coughing and crying. Charlie continued to flay Ted verbally from a distance. A deputy sheriff arrived to take charge of keeping Charlie and Ted apart.

One group of firemen worked their way in the front door looking for the source of the smoke. Another team went around back and broke into the utility room rear door to approach the fire from another direction. Because of the dense smoke, the firefighters were wearing breathing apparatuses so they were unaware the smoke cloud contained tear gas.

A second fire truck arrived along with two more sheriff's department cars. My neighbors were getting an eyeful. Somewhere along the way, some kind Samaritan brought Bev and Ted blankets to cover their public nakedness.

By pure good luck, the local TV station had a crew filming the aftermath of a wreck on the highway about two miles from my house. They were wrapping up when they heard the fire department and police calls on the scanner about my house fire. They shot right over to join the party in my front yard.

There were probably 50 or so neighbors all standing around gawking. The TV morning news the next day had a great sequence showing the crowd watching the smoke billowing out of the house as fireman came and went. Best of all, they showed a shot of my wife and Ted wrapped up in blankets staring blankly at the smoking house.

Finally, one of the fireman came out and said to the scene commander, "There is no fire. There is a lot of very acrid smoke, but we cannot find any fire. Jim Bob is checking the attic now, but nothing is scorched or burnt that we can see."

The scene commander suggested Ted and Bev not stay in the house until it was thoroughly checked out for electrical or gas problems.

Bev said, "I will go to my parents" Ignoring our neighbors and their offers to help, Bev went inside, quickly dressed in the bedroom, and left in her BMW.

Ted nodded and said, "Think I will go to the Holiday Inn."

The scene commander added dryly, "That is probably wise."

Ted was slower than Bev as he had to recover his scattered clothes. As he tried to back his truck out of the garage, he found out about the two flat tires. His truck was stranded half-in and half-out of the garage. One of the neighbors finally took pity on him and dropped him at the Holiday Inn.

There he discovered he had no credit cards and only twenty-five dollars in cash. He called Bev who gave the Holiday Inn clerk her credit card over the phone only to discover her credit card was canceled. Bev's Dad finally had to step in and give his personal card over the phone before Ted could get a room for the night.

My wife and her lover were very unhappy people.

THE NEXT MORNING

I returned straight to hunting camp and went to bed. The next morning I was up before dawn and out on a remote deer stand. I took time to bury the gas mask, flashlight, and gloves deep in the woods. After that, I dawdled and did not return to the farmhouse until almost one o'clock. Sure enough there was a stranger sitting on my front porch. He was a lean, older man with grizzled gray hair.

As I walked up, the stranger said, "Hi, you must be John."

"I am," I replied.

"John, my name is Jimmy. I am an arson investigator for the fire department."

I looked at him quizzically.

He continued, "Strange thing happened last night at your house. There was a fire."

I interrupted, feigning concern, "Was Bev hurt? How bad is the damage?"

"No, no, everybody is fine. Funny thing about this fire, though. There was a heap of smoke, but even looking this morning in the daylight, we can find no evidence of a fire."

"Smoke, but no fire? I am not sure I understand." I answered, trying to seem confused.

Jimmy sighed. "Me neither. Been doing this twenty years and never seen anything quite like it."

I just stood there looking suitably perplexed.

"Did I mention your wife and neighbor, Ted, were flushed out in their altogether by the smoke. Flushed right out in front of the whole neighborhood, fire crews, sheriff's department, and TV reporters, not to mention Ted's wife."

I shook my head. "No, you failed to mention that, " I said, suppressing a grin.

"You don't seem to be surprised your wife's hanky panky with your neighbor."

It was my turn to sigh. "Well, if you saw my wife in the buff, you know she is a beautiful creature. Any husband with such a wife knows there is always a chance she will have a dalliance when his back is turned. Sad but a fact of life."

Jimmy nodded, "Yeah, ain't that the truth. What's that old song say, ... something like 'If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife.' Reckon there is something to that."

"Seems to be some wisdom in it," I agreed.

"Funny thing about your wife and Ted's symptoms. Sure seems like they got into some tear gas. The fire crew said the smoke was pretty tough."

"Tear gas, huh. Doesn't seem very likely."

"Yeah, it is illegal to have in this state unless you are police or military."

I did not make any reply.

"You know, only you and Ted's wife, Charlie, have any incentive to do something like smoke two naked adulterous spouses out into public view with tear gas. Pretty interesting plan."

I replied slowly, "Well, I have been here at hunting camp since Friday afternoon."

Jimmy ignored my proffered alibi and continued, "Talked with Charlie this morning before I came out here. Shew, that gal is a fire cracker, ain't she?"

"Yes, she certainly is," I agreed.

"Charlie says she had doubts about her husband's fidelity but knew nothing definite. Says she got a call from a woman saying her husband was at your house with your wife. Youngish sounding woman, maybe in her twenties or so, Southern accent, good diction so probably well educated. But Charlie did not recognize the voice. This call was just before the so-called fire. It allowed Charlie, and the rest of your neighborhood, to arrive just as your naked wife ran out the house."

Jimmy waited to see if I had a comment. I did not; so he continued, "Now, if Ted, or your wife for that matter, had been shot, stabbed, or poisoned, Charlie would be high on everyone's list of suspects as the perpetrator."

Jimmy pursed his lips thoughtfully, "But this operation, it was smooth, carefully planned to each tiny detail, and executed precisely. Charlie ain't that kind of women. Shoot, she'd just haul off and stab you in the front, eyeball-to-eyeball. And then she'd twist the knife. She's not the type of gal to waste time maneuvering to stab you in the back."

"Yeah, I can see that," I concurred.

"But you. Humph - smart, military background, effective combat leader, engineer. You, on the other hand, are exactly the kind of person who would know how to do this. How to plan it, and then really pull it off."

I shrugged my shoulders. "What can I say. I was up here at the camp hunting."

Jimmy smiled tiredly. "Oh yeah, your alibi. I stopped by the main camp before coming to see you. The gossip line in this county is unbelievable; they all knew everything about this whole affair. They all swear they have seen you around camp off and on all weekend. In fact, Henry swears it was about eight o'clock last night when he was sure you two were drinking a beer together. Eight o'clock just happens to be about when the so-called fire started.

Jimmy gave a big sigh. "John, you got some good friends, and they really like you. But please tell them for me, they don't lie worth a damn."

He went on, "Interestingly, the fire department dispatch that got the call about your house fire said it was a woman that called them too. Their description of the woman sounded just like Charlie's caller. In both cases, the woman said her piece, didn't anser questions, and hung up. Could almost make one think they were recordings."

Jimmy watched me for a minute, then continued his monologue, "You know I can do some tests, and I am sure I will find tear gas residue in your house. I can fill out a bunch of paperwork and get what number called Charlie and the fire department last night - that might be interesting. This morning, I found a man's footprints down by the lake back of your house - about your size, I'd say. Suspect if I drug the lake, I would find some tear gas canisters. Bet if I make the rounds of Army-Navy surplus stores, I might find a record of interesting recent purchases. Not tear gas of course, as that is illegal. But maybe things like a gas mask that would be useful for this."

Man, this Jimmy is nobody's fool, I thought to myself. I'm an amateur dealing with a grandmaster.

Jimmy stood up and stretched. "But money is tight these days. I got a whole shit-load of cases to investigate. There was no property damage; nobody was injured; it's your property, anyway. It'd take a passel of government lawyers a month of Sundays to just figure out what crime, if any, was committed. Reckon there is not much sense in wasting money and time on this."

Jimmy sighed deeply, "But I would just hate for someone to think they got away with something when they didn't. Well, I got a long drive back to town; better get started."

I called out as Jimmy headed to his car, "Thanks, Jimmy; message received 5 out of 5."

Jimmy turned and smiled, recognizing the old military radio terminology. "It was a good plan, Captain. Mission accomplished. Now, don't waste any more time on her. Git on with your life."

Jimmy got in his car and headed back to town.

EPILOGUE

I quickly packed up my gear and started back to my house. Hunting season was over for me this year.

I stopped by to give George and Jan the explanation, I had promised her for making the recordings for me. They had seen the TV clip of the fire that turned out not to be a fire. They recognized Bev but not Ted and had easily put the obvious two and two together. It took a while to satiate Jan's curiosity and thirst for every detail. George just sat there shaking his head and laughing occasionally. I thanked Jan again for her help and went on home, not relishing having to deal with Bev soon.

When I got home I found Ted had retrieved his truck somehow and the phone's message light was blinking. Bev had called about every hour on the hour starting at seven am. The messages were essentially, "John, I am at my parents' house. Call me as soon as you get this." As the day wore on, she was more irritated and expressions like "Damn, it John where are you," "We need to talk,"and "Please, talk to me before you do anything," started being added to the recorded messages. I really didn't feel like dealing with Bev right now so I ignored the messages.

I had missed lunch again and was looking in the refrigerator contemplating possibilities for a sandwich when the doorbell rang. I opened the door and found Charlie standing there with a wry smile. Charlie is usually a very put-together and chipper lady. Today, she just looked tired and worn out.

She said, "Hi, John. By now, I suppose you know everything about last night?"

"I do," I replied.

"Good, then I don't have to explain it again." She smiled which made her look more like her normal self. "We are in the same boat, you and I. Invite me in and offer me a drink. We have a lot to talk about."

"Come on in, Charlie. What would you like to drink?" Somehow Charlie's brash self-invitation was a lift to my doldrums.

"How about a glass of wine?" she replied.

"White or red? I have an Italian Pinot Grigio or an Oregon Pinot Noir."

"How about the Pinot Grigio."

"Grab a seat in the den, I'll bring you your wine."

I heard giggling from the den. When I joined her with the wine, I found Charlie smiling as she stared at Bev's panties still hanging on the chandelier. Bev's other clothes from last night were still scattered on the floor.

"Are those Bev's?" she chortled pointing at the panties.

I nodded.

Charlie laughed, took her wine, and sat down. "Are you going to leave them there. Sort of a permanent decoration or trophy or something." Then she added more sadly, "Maybe at this point, it is more like a monk wearing a hair shirt for self flagellation."

Charlie sighed, and her temporary good mood was gone. "How long have you known about them?"

"Since Friday night when I came back from hunting camp early and found Ted's pickup in the garage. Did you know or suspect anything?"