The Adulteress

Charlie shook her head sadly. "Well at least you are only 24 hours ahead of me in the learning process. I suspected Ted of cheating starting about a year after we were married, but I never had any real proof. Or even enough to do much more than make me wonder if I was paranoid. Obviously, my instincts were correct."

"I am afraid so," I added.

"You know Bev and I have been close friends since high school. I just can't believe she, of all people, would screw my husband."

Charlie paused for a minute and then continued with a cynical laugh. "Actually, I guess I should not be surprised. How much do you know about your wife and her cheating?"

"Since Friday, I have learned some but probably only know the tip of the iceberg."

Charlie smiled sadly, "Well, Bev has always been a cheat. Even in high school and college. She cheated on her pilot husband, even while he was flying combat in Vietnam. And she cheated on you - probably every time you went out of town. I think Bev gets turned on by the danger and thrill of it, the flaunting of convention, eating the forbidden fruit, or something like that. She can't seem to help herself."

Charlie turned to look directly at me. "Are you going to take her back?"

"No, I have an appointment with a lawyer at eight tomorrow morning."

Charlie looked relieved. "Good. One reason I came to talk to you was to tell you she won't change. You deserve better from a wife. You have her nailed for adultery, don't waver. She is a gorgeous woman and can twist men around her little finger." Charlie shook her finger at me for emphasis, "But don't you dare take her back."

I smiled at my lecturing neighbor. "I won't. Believe me. How about you, Charlie? Are you taking Ted back?"

"No way, I would castrate him if I could get away with it."

I smiled thinking back to what Jimmy had said earlier at the camp about Charlie's fierceness.

"Would you like to go with me tomorrow morning and see my lawyer. We have essentially the same case. Probably makes sense to use the same lawyer."

Charlie smiled, "You are running faster than I am. Yes, I would love to go with you. Let's get this thing rolling."

"I'll pick you up tomorrow morning at 7:30," I offered. "The appointment is at eight."

"Deal." There was a pause and Charlie switched topics. "John, this whole affair Saturday night was bizarre. The arson investigator talked with me. I think his name was Jimmy or something like that. Saturday night was no accident was it? Were you behind it all?"

I thought for a minute. There was no longer any legal threat from Jimmy. Charlie was now an ally in the pending divorce wars. Why not? So I laid out the events in detail which elicited hoots of laughter in places. It felt good to share the tale with someone. There is no fun in pulling off a tough operation and not being able to brag about it afterwards. To brag to an admiring, pretty woman just makes it that much better.

When I got to the parts about Bev and Ted's histories of infidelity, Charlie was incredulous. "He was screwing Bev's Mom to get promotions. Amazing, but typical, I guess. ... Bev's Mom and Grandmother were screwing around too! I know both of them. Well, at least I thought I did. ... Bev's Mom gave Bev advice on how to commit adultery. I just can't believe it."

When I told Charlie about Ted's screwing Bev on their wedding day, Charlie erupted. "The part you didn't know was Bev was my maid of honor. Damn her soul to Hell."

Our therapeutic bitch session had done us both good and buoyed our spirits. It was a cathartic experience, and we forged a new friendship as we shared our woes. We also had consumed the whole bottle of wine which probably didn't hurt either.

The phone rang. "Bev, no doubt," I said with a grimace.

Charlie replied, "She won't stop. Might as well deal with her now as later."

I picked up the phone and put it on speaker so my new divorce ally could hear. I said neutrally, "Hello."

"John, I have been desperate to find you. I will be right over. We need to talk, Sweetie."

"Bev, there is nothing to talk about. Don't come over."

"Look, John, I can explain. I have a lot to answer for, Honey. But ...

"Bev, you are a cheat. Why continue the farce? We are done."

Charlie gave me a thumbs up.

"Look, John. Please, I know you are mad." bev cooed in a placating voice, "And you have every right to be mad. I will make it up to you. Let me come over and explain. We'll go to counseling. We can make this work."

"No. I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow. We are finished. You go your way, and I'll go mine. No recriminations."

Another thumbs up from Charlie.

Since wheedling and pleading hadn't worked, Bev switched gears as smoothly as a Porsche pulling into the passing lane. She went on the attack, "Alright, you sorry son of a bitch, Daddy will represent me. He is the best lawyer in the state. He will tear your lawyer a new asshole."

I calmly replied, "Your Father is a very good lawyer. However, does he know about your Mom's long history of adultery? Your Mom and Ted for instance?"

There was dead silence on the phone for maybe 30 seconds. "You bugged our home," she screeched.

"No, I did not bug the house."

"There is no other way you ..." It dawned on her now. "You sorry peeping Tom you were in the house eavesdropping on us. You set the whole thing up. You, you son-of-a-bitch. Damn you."

She gasped with realization, "You threw my panties on the chandelier. I know I left them on the end table. I had to walk naked wrapped in a blanket in front of those snickering firemen with my panties dangling over their heads. Damn your sorry soul; you humiliated me in front of the whole town."

I replied calmly, "No, Bev, you humiliated yourself in front of the whole town. You and Ted even made the morning TV news, I hear."

The fight went out of her. I held the winning hand and was not blinking. She said, "Have your lawyer contact Daddy. At least we can be civilized about this." Then she hung up.

Charlie laughed and melodiously sang out:

"You've got to know when to hold'em

Know when to fold'em

Know when to walk away

And know when to run."

Then Charlie said wistfully, "Wow, I hope Ted is as reasonable. I am sure he won't be. Of course, I will be taking him to the cleaners. Well, I need to get home. My Mom is coming over to see how I am doing."

"How are you doing?" I asked.

"Better, much better. Thanks for talking with me."

I walked Charlie to the door and opened it for her. She turned, stood up on her toes, and kissed me. Slowly at first, and more intimately as I returned her kiss.

She broke the kiss finally and said , "Whew, I have wanted to do that since I first met you. Want to come over for supper tomorrow night?"

"Certainly," I replied.

"How many times do you guess they screwed each other?" Charlie asked.

"I don't really know; a lot from the way they were talking."

"Well then, I guess we better get started tomorrow night evening the score. Come prepared to work for your supper." With that, Charlie walked to her car with that sassy sashay that only women can do.

NOTE TO THE READER

The plot premiss about a husband becoming ill at hunting camp and then returning home to find a neighbor from down the street parked in the garage and enjoying his wife's intimate favors in lieu of the neighbor roughing it at his own hunting camp has a basis in fact. Everything else is fictitious. The story's setting is pre-cell phone and pre-digital era in approximately the mid-1970s after the Vietnam War. Electronic garage door openers were not readily available until the 1980s so I indulged some literary licence to slide the technology back a decade or so in the opening of the story.