The Advice Column

Hello again, folks, happy to return this week with another column filled with important and useful information. The response to last week's column all about sea salt, the seven different kinds from the seven different seas and how to tell them apart, was overwhelming. One soft pretzel vendor on the boardwalk in Atlantic City wrote in saying he was amazed to discover, after applying our identifying techniques, that the salt he'd been sprinkling on his pretzels wasn't from the Atlantic Ocean right behind him, but from the Indian Ocean! He got hold of some Atlantic Ocean salt and couldn't believe how terrible it tasted compared to what he'd been using. He's in a quandary over whether to switch to the local product or not, even though it will probably put him out of business. He was a little upset with me and this column for revealing so much pertinent information, fearing his customers will begin grilling him over his salt selection, and threatened suit, but came to his senses regarding the valuable service we provide after his pretzel stand mysteriously exploded one day and his insurance company could find no record of him having a policy.

Anyway, as I'm sure you've all noticed, spring is in the air, the trees are leafing out, the crocuses have popped up all over the place, and that means Orgies! Orgies! Orgies! Pretty soon you won't be able to shake a stick at all the orgies that'll be taking place, maybe even in your own hometowns. Some of you might be old pros at attending orgies, consider them second nature to you, but there are still a handful or two of those who haven't had the pleasure yet. This week's column is dedicated to those fine people. I will tell you everything you need to know about going to an orgy and answer your questions along the way.

You might wonder what makes me such a genius to be dishing out all this valuable orgy information, but let me tell you, if there were degrees given out for orgy expertise, I would need a bigger wall than I've got now to hang all my diplomas on, maybe the Wall of China. To say I've gone to my fair share of orgies in my lifetime is like saying Wilt Chamberlain might have gone to bed with a few women in his. If a membership card needed to be shown to get into all orgies, mine would have to be steel-plated or it would have been worn away to nothing long ago just from taking it out of my wallet and putting it back in again.

Speaking of taking it out and putting it back in again, let's get to the subject at hand. Let's start with the invitation.

Getting Invited.

Some people wonder just how it is a person gets invited to an orgy, do you sign up someplace, open an account on some website, hang out at certain bars or street corners, make pitiable requests in personal ads in the local newspaper? No, no, no, none of these things. For a while many people could be found hanging out in all-night divey greasy-spoons waiting for some beautiful, sexy, kinky woman to come up to them and hand them an invitation to a wild orgy, all because of that movie Midnight Cowboy where this happens. But not even decking themselves out in a fringed cowboy suit and a ten-gallon hat got them invited to anything, except maybe to the local police station to answer a few questions. They all ended up like Dustin Hoffman standing out on the street in the snow while the rest of the world was inside that cozy brownstone screwing their brains out.

Frankly, and I hate to say this, unless you know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody, your chances of receiving that coveted invitation are pretty slim, about zero. As my mother often sputtered, "It ain't not whats you knowds, it are whoms you knowds." That doesn't mean it's hopeless, far from it. It certainly helps if you are at least a little bit of an outgoing person and are comfortable meeting and talking and socializing with others. Being a recluse would make it difficult to snatch up an orgy invitation. Though there was one incident recently where a man striving to become a monk in a remote abbey in the Ural Mountains, a man named Travis Kelce, started getting invitations to orgies all signed by the same woman, though sometimes she would refer to him as Jason Kelce, which just further confused him. Finally he looked up "orgy" in the dictionary, and once that sunk in, dedicated several weeks to intense prayer and deeper Bible study before getting back on the straight and narrow again. Then by sheer accident he came across a picture of the woman who had been signing those invitations, which was attached to her touring schedule; this almost caused him to bolt the abbey and make a beeline to her next tour location (it might have been Japan) hellbent (literally) to take her up on that orgy business, his soul be damned. He also was burning to ask her about this Jason fellow and how he fit into this orgy stuff. But his fellow Brothers at the abbey tied him to a wooden bench in his cell where he howled day and night for three days before the fever broke and he was okay again. More prayer and study cleared the murky fog from his befuddled mind, and he is back on the stairway to celestial paradise once again.

Despite what I just wrote, most invitations to orgies are delivered in person or via email. Until the Kelce incident came to light, which was just a big mixup with some other person with the same name, a football player, I was told, which I guess means soccer, I was under the impression that the only person left in the U.S. who sends orgy invitations through the mail is Reginald Sopphink of Butte, Montana. If you should ever receive one of Mr. Sopphink's invitations I would suggest crumpling it up and throwing it away immediately. Burn it if you can. No one under the age of 82 has ever attended one of his orgies, and it helps, is in fact imperative, that all attendees be deficient in eyesight. Being totally blind is even better, unless witnessing Delphine "Trixie" Patrewsky having sex with a lawn chair or plumber's helper is something that would turn you on. It might be the only orgy where condoms are not available seeing they would just fall off before serving their purpose. It is also the only orgy where half-way through, which is usually about 4 p.m. since most of those present like to be in bed and asleep by 8 p.m., a gong sounds and everyone stops what they're doing (looking out the window, mostly) and an array of vitamin supplements is served to be washed down with carrot juice. A registered nurse is also on-sight to administer electrocardiograms upon request.

Question: Suppose I hear about an orgy but am not officially invited? Can I just show up, be an orgy-crasher? (Horny from Hoboken)

Answer: If you are of the female persuasion you will have no difficulty getting in uninvited; they will probably roll a red carpet out for you or at least a welcome mat. It's a bit more problematic for males, mainly because the place is probably overrun with them already. You could try dressing up as an inspector from the gas company, there to check for a leak that's been reported (I have a supply of fake ID cards if interested; $25 each, 3 for $60); no one will question you, being too occupied with whatever it is they're up to by then. Once you're in just ditch the uniform in the basement behind the furnace and begin mingling.

Q.: Some of my friends seem to be constantly invited to orgies, but I never am? What can I do to get some invites? (Desperate)

A.: One way is to have special cards made that say, "I have a 10-inch cock and I love orgies." The first part of that sentence might be laughably inaccurate, but that's okay. When speaking to women, especially in bars, make a point of taking your wallet out and "accidentally" handing her the card instead of your business card or "accidentally" having it fall face-up on the bar where she can see it. If I know women, you'll be orgy-bound in no time.

Q.: I have been invited to an orgy, and the email invitation mentions my name "and guest." I know "guest" is singular, but I can't make up my mind between Sally Mae or Linda Lou and wonder if I should just bring both and take my chances. (Undecided)

A.: Listen, I have never been to an orgy where they ever turned a woman away, even if she made Trixie Patrewsky, mentioned earlier, look like Margot Robbie. So get that out of your mind right now. I'm going to suggest something revolutionary to you, something you probably never thought of doing, but I think has great merit. I say dump both those women and go alone! Why not think of this orgy as a great opportunity to explore the wider world around you. My mother also used to say, "You gotta bring back da broad you tooked to the dance with," and there is a similar rule at orgies: You have to fuck whomever you bring (at least once). And you want to bring two? What's the point of going to an orgy if you reduce your chances of screwing new and maybe even better broads, scratch that, women because you're busy screwing ones you know already; might as well stay home and bang them there. No, orgies are meant to open new horizons, richer opportunities.

What to Wear.

Some people might wonder what's the point dwelling on what clothes to wear while going to an orgy, seeing you will be taking them off 16 seconds after arriving. This is a big mistake made by amateur orgy participants, especially men. Making that first impression is key as you sashay through the door, stepping over naked bodies, trying to avoid treading on that blonde beauty as you take a gander at the size of the cock on the guy who's about to penetrate her, suddenly realizing you're in big trouble with that barely visible thing you've got between your legs and maybe you should just turn around and leave before they laugh you out of the place later. Suddenly you will be very happy you spent the time necessary to choose the perfect wardrobe. You might be keeping it on much longer than you imagined.

So, do not wear those raggedy jeans with the knees worn out and the grease stains all over them; it's not the time to be neon-flashing to the world you're a slob. Likewise you ladies, forget those jeans that are all slit apart like they'd been attacked by a knife-wielding maniac; looking like a homeless person is not the image you want to convey. Also, refrain from donning that favorite T-shirt that says, "I love fucking stupid bimbos"; save that one for the next political rally. For guys, I would suggest a colorful Hawaiian shirt with a solid lavender tie and striped seersucker trousers, either tan or light blue. Gals, a Raggedy Ann dress where a couple of inches of bare leg shows between the top of the candy-cane thigh-high leggings and the hem of the skirt is quite nice. Both are guaranteed to make an impression.

Q.: I've just been released from prison on an assault rap, and have been invited to an orgy tomorrow. I will not have a chance to do any clothes shopping, and the only clothes I have are slightly stained with blood. Do you think anyone will mind? (Louie the Louse)

A.: "Slightly" is the operative word in your question, Louie. If you really mean slightly, as in not much at all, I might think of committing another assault just before the orgy to add to the amount of blood considerably. Orgies have a wild, unpredictable, emotional side to them, people willing to succumb to dangers, at least in their imaginations, that border on criminality and physical violence. Rehearse a couple of insanely violent scenarios explaining how the blood got there and the women will be all over you eating you alive. You might wish you were back in the slammer where your pecker could recuperate in peace (okay, you might require solitary confinement for that).

Q.: I'm going to break all protocol at the next orgy I attend and go wearing nothing. What do you think? (Rebel wannabe)

A.: If it's a conservative orgy where precedent is important; where the order of events as they evolve follow a well-prescribed plan in place for many years; where Scotch is the preferred beverage (neat); where a multi-course dinner is served, guests in formal evening dress, before sex is even discussed; where men ask permission before doing anything and the women are eternally grateful for being asked, it might not go down very well. That's, of course, assuming you can get from your vehicle, (you will be arriving in a vehicle and not by bicycle, one hopes) to the front door unmolested by security people hired to prevent the likes of you from "spoiling the party."

Hosting an Orgy Yourself.

This is a wonderful idea and goes a long way helping to keep such events in the limelight. The first thing you will need to do is decide how many people to invite. This, of course, will depend on the size of the place you plan to hold it. I once attended an orgy held in a 10 x 15 storage facility that accommodated twelve people and a mini-bar without too many complaints, though switching partners had to be done simultaneously when a timing signal sounded. Fifteen minutes was the amount of time allotted for each coupling at first, but had to be reduced to ten when the hostess realized her lease was about to run out and there were a number of men she hadn't done it with yet.

Having it outdoors solves a lot of space issues, but holding it at the local park on a Saturday afternoon in June will probably be frowned on by officials. Hard to get permits for events like that, which is truly unfair when you think about it, why tax-paying citizens should be denied the use of public space for a community gathering. Agree to keep the music volume down and the alcohol out of sight, and what could the problem be? Haven't we made any progress since Woodstock and the Summer of Love?

But most likely you will elect to have your orgy in your home, be it mansion, three-bedroom Cape Cod, condo, townhouse, apartment, or one room country shack. If your location offers a lot of space and the number of people attending will be great (more than 50), you might want to hire a couple of orgy cops to make sure traffic flows smoothly from one station to another. They could create numbered spaces and assign parties to them, so when someone, say, is finished screwing Mabel, who is at space 4B, they could go up to one of the cops and ask where Suzy with the big tits is and be directed quickly to space 6D. Maps would be hung around on the walls. This saves a lot of aimless wandering around and keeps people focused. At the other end of the spectrum you just have to chuck the half-busted La-Z-Boy recliner and black-and-white TV out the front window and you're all set. One of the nicest orgies I've ever attended, respectable but hot as fuck, was held in a split-level on a half-acre plot in the outer suburbs of a metropolitan area, everyone arriving in SUVs with kids' toys piled up in the back and Proud Parents of So-and-So decals on the back windows. There was a playroom next to the living room and between them the dozen guests were handsomely accommodated, and the sex that occurred that night in that house was some of the most intense and passionate and intimate I've ever seen. Those people knew exactly what orgies were all about, let me tell you.

Additional Concerns.

Q.: I am taking a sweet young girl to an orgy; it happens to be our first date. Do gentlemen still give corsages to their dates the first time they go out together? Should she keep it on during the "action"? (Innocent and curious)

A.: I regret to say that what was once a lovely custom no longer continues. But perhaps it will only take the brave actions of a few romantic men to revive it. Definitely buy her the corsage for her wrist, I'd recommend roses (make sure the thorns are out) mixed in with some Calla lily. During the orgy she will no doubt wish to keep it on and prominently display it to all the men who are fucking the daylights out of her. Many of the women will become jealous, so beware if things are about to get ugly.

Q.: Is it important to bring anything for the host and hostess, a bottle of wine, say, or extra boxes of condoms? (Mr. Polite)

A.: It's a pleasant thought, but not required. A nice bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild would no doubt be appreciated by them after everyone has left and they're surveying the damage to their best furniture all stained with cum and who knows what else. Something I've noticed recently is that, though women are happy to see condoms in abundant supply at orgies, they are getting tired of men coming with boxes of 24 Trojan Raws, for example, and saying things like, "I hope this is enough for me," or to another guy, "I'll try to save you a few." Such brazen egomania is not impressive to the ladies and merely produces a lot of sorry head-shaking and rolling of eyes. It would be much better to bring boxes that contain no more than a dozen condoms; you will still get the head-shaking and eye-rolling, but less emphatically, and they will still think of you as a fat-headed moron, but more in line with just being a typical male and not certifiable.

Q.: The orgy I've been invited to will be taking place outdoors. I often have bad reactions to insect bites. Is putting Deet or spraying myself completely with insect repellent okay or will no one want to fuck me? (Anxious Annie)

A.: Thinking that no one will want to fuck you is being a bit extreme. We are talking about an orgy here, and that is always priority number one. It is my guess that other people there will also suffer from the same malady and they will likewise be slathered in insect repellent. You will be able to recognize these people as they will be the only ones not swatting themselves. Which is better: having sex while slathered in slimy insect repellent or after having dead insects squished all over your skin? Enjoy your time being fucked by the slicked-up repellers and leave the swatters to themselves.

Q.: My husband is one of those people who likes to show up what he calls "fashionably late" to most events. Most of the time I couldn't care less, considering how boring those events are, but I hate it when he insists on doing this at orgies as well. I feel like I'm missing out on so much; sometimes they end before all the men can properly service me. What can I do? (Needful Nellie)

A.: One suggestion immediately comes to mind, but my editor would just censor it if I told it here. So let me just relate what others in your situation have done to alleviate the problem: Tell the bastard to learn how to tell time or you're going by yourself from now on and couldn't care two hoots whether he shows up or not. (There, I think my suggestion might have gotten past my editor, speaking of bastards.) Have men, and women too, stop you in the street when you're together and remind you when the orgy is going to take place, and that you should make sure to come early. Have a woman you know your husband would love to go wild with at the orgy tell him she can't wait either, but she'll have to leave on the early side so he needs to arrive early, too. Have text messages sent to his phone reminding him of the time: "It's 8 p.m. Are you on your way to the orgy yet?" Tell him the time was changed to an hour earlier. Threaten him that you're going to start having all the orgies at your house, and he can be as good and goddam late as he wants, but people are going to come as early as they want and stay as late as they want, maybe even long into the next day, and your needs will so taken care of by others that he'll have to pick a number just to say "Hello" and that number is so high it will be hard to squeeze it on a piece of paper.

Q.: What is your take on wearing masks at orgies (not a Halloween orgy)? (Lone Ranger)

A.: Very cool, I say, especially those slinky Venetian ones that just go across the eyes and a little bit of the nose. Super sexy. And you can still sort of tell who it is under there you're about to ravish or be ravished by, so there are no surprises. Unlike those full-head things that look like old leather football helmets, only they cover the whole head and face, could be anybody under those things. Maybe if I was about to go out and battle the Huns at the Roman gates they would be okay, but not at orgies. Yes, it's true you'll find them in abundance at BDSM orgies, but if you ever saw what some of those people looked like after years of practicing their favorite proclivity, it's no wonder they wear those things. And not just at orgies.