The Advice Column

Q.: Recently I've begun taking Viagara and now I'm about to attend my first orgy since then. What do I need to know? (D. Func)

A.: Yep, I knew this one was coming. Important: It is not okay to presume the number of partners you'll have sex with and take one pill for each person. First of all, your prescription probably won't be for that many pills. Secondly, only if you were a blue whale could you survive that amount of the stuff. There are two serious side effects associated with Viagara, one affecting the eyes, the other the ears. If the person you are making love with at the orgy suddenly looks like Gisele Bundchen only sexier, stop immediately and call your doctor, your eyes are going whacky. If, however, you suddenly have a ringing in your ears, it might simply be MaryEllen Kaplan smacking you upside your head begging you to get the hell off already, she wants Doug to fuck her now. Seeing this will be your first orgy after starting on the little blue demon, know that it will take a little time to learn the difference between a smack from the likes of Ms. Kaplan and something serious.

Q.: I had the pleasure of attending what was referred to as a "surprise orgy." Ever been? (Experienced)

A.: Oh, sure, they're the greatest when pulled off right. I remember going to what I thought was a year-end Sunday school picnic, except when I got there realized there weren't any kids around, that they'd all been taken by bus to an amusement park an hour away, and suddenly everybody broke out in a fit of Christian fellowship I'd never seen the likes of before. Things were learned about the pastor and his wife no one could ever have imagined. The entire church choir, all women, took on the men's Bible study group, sometimes two men at a time. Grace, the lovely church organist, gave so much pleasure to so many people that day, she definitely was amazing, and as the song says, "Amazing Grace, how sweet your everything," (or words to that affect, anyway). That surprise orgy was one of the best orgies I've ever attended.

So, there you have it, everything you need to know about attending those upcoming orgies you're all looking forward to. My calendar is filling up in leaps and bounds already. Who knows, maybe we'll have the good fortune to meet at one of them. I'll be the guy all the women are ogling wearing the Hawaiian shirt and seersucker trousers, holding the super-sized box of condoms. I'll try to save you a few.