All Comments on 'The Affidavit Ch. 01'

Sort out which in which person you want to tell your story; third person usually works best and do it in the past tense. In fiction the present tense can be annoying to read. References to 'your breasts' and 'we cry out' in the text are grammatically wrong in your context.

Look for ambiguity. Desk or blouse opening? Desk, I guess - unless she uses her bra as a filing cabinet. Avoid the term 'literally', particularly with cliché. (Best avoid cliché anyway, you have good descriptive powers and don't need them). Given the jaw injury she is likely to have suffered when her chin dropped, she was a trooper to give him that bj. In contrast to Helen, I found him hard to swallow. Where did all the vocal aggression come from? Various punctuation issues also exist in the text which would have been spotted in a more thorough read-through before submission.

Considering the initial approach taken by Ian toward Helen seems like this story would be more appropiate in the Reluctance/Non-consent category since there wasn't any seduction, romance, or willing participation.

Appreciate the comments, this is my first attempt and first submission so am taking on board what's been said with a view to improving future efforts.

Why do "people" think this is a do it right to the point of I see that you make many many mistakes that I do not enjoy reading this story ! Then why don't you people go read another story and leave us alone to read our story the way we want to.!

I hate know it alls..!***

I really enjoyed this story and it's content and plan on following it all the way.^

Plus I gave it a "5" all the way.!!!! Thanks.