All Comments on 'The Apprentice Ch. 01'

Great to have you posting again. I will look forward to reading your re-edited stories as well as the new.

I am excited to see this reposted. I went looking for it not too long ago and was sad to see you had taken it down. I look forward to reading it again and seeing the changes.

Preferred the original but this condensed version is good

I can't find fault with anything, other than its length. I meant to go to the store an hour ago but could not stop myself from finishing this in one sitting.

Enjoyed it - good start. Nice to read something with good grammar and spelling too.

Thank you all for the kind words. There aren't any real changes to the story, it is just that some scenes were extended or restructured, some were slightly reduced, and relationships are better nuanced, especially in the romantic sense. The original first three chapters had less than 35k words in total. This new Chapter One which consists of those original first three chapters has 37.4k words.

I lost interest at page 2. A weak, stupid fool of a boy holds no interest.

@Teacher44 I am sorry about the store. You better get used to the length, since most chapters are 25k words long or more :)

I read this so long ago I can't remember it well enough to notice the changes. I still enjoyed it though.

How long will it be between reposts?

Great story, looking forward to read the next part.

Glad you are bringing them back for us to read. I have missed your stories.

@dunmovyniv I wish you were a bit more specific. The MC is a wet behind the ears 19y old idealistic farm boy who was brought up with good manners and has seen nothing of the world. His "weakness" are his manners and his idealistic desire to be zealously chivalrous towards women. This series is a coming of age story of a sort, and if you choose to continue, you will see other, very assertive and agressive bits of his personality, and you will see him grow into something different, although his chivalrous nature towards women will never change. I respect your opinion, although I wish it came from reading much more of my story :)

The next chapters will be coming out in more or less regular intervals. 2-7 days, depending on the approval process.

Overall, I liked the story. You gave us a bit background for Magnus life before magic. His

introduction into learning magic and its principles. Then his first forays into using it. I am curious about a couple of things though. Why was Fiona at the Fairfield Inn in the first place? With Magic users being so rare, why didn't the Wizard Brennus even test Magnus to see his potential? Why aren't all magic users trained when discovered? Wouldn't it be dangerous to have untrained magic users out causing damage and reflect badly on the rest of the magical community?

The one thing I didn't like was Fiona's foot fetish. It was just weird to me and distracted from the overall story.

Nice work! Thanks for sharing! I look forward to reading more and seeing the characters especially the m.c. develop.

Thoroughly enjoyable story, a little stilted but it’s only your first, looking forward to the next installment. Thanks for sharing

I enjoyed the story both when I read it before and now. I was pretty upset to find all your stories gone, so now I'm overjoyed to be able to follow Magnus on his adventures once again. I think the character development is great both from the individual MC's to their relationship together. Seeing the respect and caring grow between them is spot on. Anxiously waiting for more.

@prsstarid Thank you for the thoughtful comment! You ask some very good questions. Magic is very rare, but it is also very hard to learn and it takes a long, long time. If you were a mage, would you take some random penniless person and teach him your hard-earned, personal magical knowledge? There is no guarantee that that person would ever pay you back for the years invested in him/her, and more than that, you would be creating competition for yourself, someone who would be eligible for the special jobs you are doing as a mage. So I see no interest for any mage to just teach somebody magic, rare or not.

What does make sense is nobility and royalty sponsoring individuals with such rare talent, and in one of the future chapters (already written) Fiona will briefly reminisce about her apprenticeship that was sponsored by a noble, and how after that, she had the obligation to work for that noble for years. Magnus could have probably gone to the capital and asked to be tested by the royal mages, in which case he would have certainly been sponsored by the king, but being a simple farm boy he didn't know any of that, and Brennus had no interest in giving him such advice. One neighboring country (won't be visited until second series) deals with such individuals in a much more efficient way.

These are all the thoughts that went through my own mind as I was trying to create a believable world, so thank you for giving me the opportunity to say some of them, even though many of them will be introduced through the progressive worldbuilding I will be doing in each of my chapters. Comments like this can help me catch my own fallacies in thinking, so I welcome them very much. As for the foot fetish, I can't help you there because it is a kink I like. I can tell you that it is prominent in the first two or three chapters only, along with the light femdom. Most of it will be gone by the end of the fourth chapter and the end of the first series.

fantastic refreshing new idea

Thank you all for the encouraging comments.

@bj2004 Thanks. What I wanted among other things was to separate the sexual persona from the personality of the main characters.

Wonderful to see this back, and nice to be able to get a fresh push to reread it. I liked the comment by @prsstarid about untrained people with magic running around potentially wreaking havoc and what the community or other mages might do about that. That seems like a very interesting side plot line to pursue at some point down the line, perhaps when you get around to creating new sections. This is nicely written and inventive, and very interesting world building. Here's hoping you editing and reposting will get past any blocks you might be having!

"Eh... to lick your... you know...? That's kind of gross, isn't it? I mean, considering what comes out of there..." Magnus said with a sour face. "You know how meticulous I am about my hygiene. I assure you my anus is cleaner than most people's mouth.

If something's potentially disgusting, don't turn your readers off by pointing it out in such an ill-considered manner. You could edit this down to 3-4 Lit pages, it's really bloated. Also, why are you skewing your comment total by providing half of them yourself to farm artificial engagement? And it's a repost? Why are you reposting it? Anyway, the writing is really mediocre.

Not bad, not great either. Kinda in the middle. The ratings on this site are all over the place though. This is a 4.9 and it's the worst written story I've read today. The others rated 4.1 or 4.0 are miles better than this.

I think this is alright but it's way too long and the sex scenes aren't that good.

There are lots of errors in your writing, mostly punctuation and grammar. I like the idea though. You've got a strong imagination. You need help taking your idea and turning it into writing of an acceptable standard. It's also too long and quite boring.

I am glad you are reposting your stories. Quite entertaining.

Magnus is completely one-dimensional and a chore to read.

Nice world building- a lot of thought has gone into that bit. Looking forward to more of this. All the best!

Esto no está bien. Riddled with cliches and the characters speak to one another in a really unnatural way. Like wearing a suit to go swimming in. Lo de los pies es divertidísimo. 👣

excelent and very well writen. Thank you

These two are so cute. I would like to call them lovebirds but I expect Fiona to have some dark secrets that will shatter or at least damage their relationship at some point. Until then I'll enjoy Magnus' dedication to his sexy Mistress and his lessons in magic.

Very good . GR8 story .

Interesting, fantasy adventure. I certainly hope she loses her sadistic urges. There is no benefit to the story from her beating the nice young man.