All Comments on 'The Awakening Ch. 01'

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Sorry not sure what happened with the comment.

Good, but too short. But don't think that I'm saying it's bad, good prose, you write well.

Need to know more about this world (is it ours, or an alternate, year etc). I would suggest following Michael from the ceremony to the woods (perhaps in a set of flashbacks, as he stands looking at the stars.

The battle scene, is well written, but seem a little confused as to how our "hero" is so good against what appears to be a well trained opponent. A scimitar slashing a branch of a tree has to be so supremely sharp it would be a danger to it's wielder. Most swords use a blunted blade (they blunt quickly with use anyway) to crush bone into organs (the best being the shoulder into the heart lung area, disabling the arm as well). Only fencing (rapier, foil) use sharp blades to pierce the skin (usually into the heart for blood loss), and then only the point is sharp. Sorry for being picky it's a bugbear of mine :)

I enjoyed reading your 1st chapter of your 1st story in Lit and look forward to reading more. Thank you.

A very good start, if short and I am looking forward to reading more.

Good start. . But too short. Can't wait to read morr

The story draws one in.

Impression that magic is part of this world. And, that Michael has extra abilities above the norm. It has been pointed out that he was able to defeat a skilled swordswoman while unarmed, and hit a tree hard enough to cause it to explode yet suffered no damage himself. The blade could be enchanted (explaining the ability to slice through branches). Nothing prior to help explain that this is not Smalltown in rural USA.

But no explanation about why this woman / fay? angrily attacks with the goal of killing or discouraging him from "taking her" or forcing her submission? Ah, and I just saw the tags. So she's a djinn?

Either Kevin did something that was a real humdinger or Michael likes pounding on people. Your task is to clue us in.

Potential there. A lot of questions to answer; answer a few and get readers coming back for more. But writing more than a couple of pages would be good. Remember, Lit's pages are really long; this submission isn't even a full Lit page.

Very god keep itup cant wait for the next chapter

I have been here for a while. And I have read lots of good and bad stuff in nearly all genres. It's the first time I read something so good that I had to comment about it. You have hit an excellent start. Well, I have seen some starts as near as good, but not equal but for some reasons or another the writers didn't continue with their story. I hope you are not one of those. Keep going, keep with your story.

My advice, because you are posting your writing on Literotica, you will be expected to have sex scenes. Just ignore that, let the story flow and if it happened to be sex scenes in it so it's good. If not, don't try to force it.

Your friend,

Lonely Wolf