The BILIF

That's "Brother In-Law I'd Like to Fuck". In case you were wondering.

This one is more on the humor-entertainment end of the sexy spectrum. My next few submissions will be dirty as fuck. But for now, if you fancy a chuckle...

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When my husband, Liam, and I were first engaged, I was invited to Liam's parents' house for Christmas. Doctor Adler - he wanted me to call him Mike, but I prefer ribbing him about his PhD - was loaded. Not from his PhD, but from a patent that he lucked into being a part of without doing much work, and he's been getting a fat check out of ever since. To this day, Doctor Alder is sensitive about his undeserved wealth, but he sure knows how to spend it. The Adler McManor had seven bedrooms.

I KNOW.

But the Adlers, ever the good Catholics, would not let their adult son and future daughter-in-law share a room. And why should they? Someone had to use all those rooms. I think the master plan was a room for Doctor and Mrs. Doctor Adler - her name is Muffy, and I can't fucking say that out loud without giggling - to have a room, and then each of the kids, Liam (eldest), Richard (dick), and Carter (the baby boy) to have a room to share with a spouse and then an adjoining room via Jack and Jill bathroom to off-load the grandkids into.

Of course, at this point, there were no grandkids, and Carter had only just graduated college. So, when Liam brings home his fiancé, naturally we stay in separate rooms. Liam, "Dick", and Carter all have their original rooms (so cute with their posters and cum-stained sheets - probably, I'm guessing), so then the one without a penis (c'est moi) can't possibly stay in the room that shares a bathroom with her fiancé. That left Dick or Carter, and so yeah, Carter it was.

I could tell you about Richard some other time. He's a real cunt. But you'll see what I mean.

I'm not sure that first night would have gone down quite the same if I hadn't overheard Carter talking to Liam in the library.

I KNOW. In the FUCKING LIBARY. Can you believe this pretentious bullshit? We had a library when I was growing up. It was public, and I donated a billion quarters to their late book fund.

Anyway, so I was looking for Liam in this ridiculous house, because I was horny and wanted to find a nook in which to make-out, and I stepped onto the red library carpet as I noticed two crowns of bedhead hair rising from the leather curves of a high-backed chair. It wasn't their talking that gave me pause, it was the way they simultaneously reached over to the table between the chairs for their glasses of scotch.

I. KNOW.

As I was standing there, shaking my head, Carter got loud. "What are you talking about? She fucking oozes sex! Have you seen the way she walks? That little ass wiggle?"

And Liam said, "Like I don't look at my girlfriend's ass a hundred times a day?"

"Fiancé, you lucky mother fucker."

"She's too sweet," Liam chuckled. "I'm going to break her in one of these days, but I think she's had some bad experiences, and I don't want to go too fast."

"Dude. Missionary?"

"First off, there's nothing wrong with missionary. It's a valid sexual position. Second, I'm 99% positive she's done some extremely kinky shit, but she's not ready to talk about it."

"How do you know? I mean, how do you know she's kinky?"

"Things she says." I could hear the smile in Liam's voice. "The way she purrs and begs to be told she's a good girl."

"Fuck. You. Are you serious?"

"We've got time," said Liam. "I'm not going to rush her. She'll tell me when she fucking feels like it, and not a second before. And then, if we wants to get crazy, I'll show her crazy."

They clinked glasses after that, which might have offended me if I weren't having whole bunch of feelings about what I'd just heard. I was annoyed Liam was having sex conversations about me, turned on that Liam was having sex conversations about me, in love with Liam for knowing exactly what I need, and both annoyed and turned on that Carter wanted to know about sex with me.

I tiptoed out of the room and walked back in, "Liam? Dude, where the hell do people go in this house?"

Carter was on his feet and facing the doorway in damn-near an instant. He was blushing like no one's business, wearing that token shit-eating smile and flashing those adorable dimples. He was also shirtless.

Which did not do anything for my horniness.

"Fucking spaz," mumbled Liam. "Over here babe."

I walked around the chair to find Liam likewise unencumbered.

"You know it's the middle of winter, right?" I said, trying not to go weak-kneed next to two pairs of toned abs. Relax, no-one keeps those bodies, but in our twenties... that shit was tight.

"You brought your suit, right?"

I blinked and looked a Carter. Carter shrugged.

"I thought you were fucking with me," I said.

"Mom and Dad have a hot tub. I've told you stories about the hot tub, right?"

I hooked my thumbs into my jeans pockets. "The hand job fingering factory? Now that you mention it..."

"Then why did you think I was kidding about your swimsuit?"

"I... I didn't remember."

Liam sighed. "I'll go see if Mom has something you can borrow."

"Dude, ew." Carter made the face that I was making inside.

"I don't think your mom's suits would fit me, anyway."

Scratching his chin, Liam said, "Panties it is."

"Um, no." I shook my head.

"Why not?" asked both Liam and Carter simultaneously. Liam shot Carter a look.

"We can't even share a bathroom, and you think your parents are going to be cool with me sitting in your hot tub in my panties?"

"And topless," said Liam.

With my flattest expression, I said, "I'm going to work out. Your mom said I could use the elliptical. I assume I'll find it if I keep walking in a circle?"

"It's in the guest house by the pool," said Carter.

"You have a fucking guest house?" I said, eyes widening.

"Out by the pool," said Liam. "And the hot tub. If you want to come in with us after."

"It's snowing," I said, pointing to the window and the flocked pines beyond.

"Richard is making hot chocolate," said Carter, zero trace of the 22yo who was talking about my ass a few minutes ago.

"Of course he is," I said.

Richard.

Such a dick.

Finally, Liam decided I was worth standing for. He held my wrists and pulled me in for a boozy kiss. "Bring a change of clothes with you. There's a shower out there, so you can get your sweaty clothes off and get clean and put on something dry before you walk back across the yard."

"Thanks, babe," I said, kissing his nose.

As I was walking away, Carter said, "If you change your mind about the hot tub, nudity is always welcome."

I'm pretty sure I heard Liam's fist his Carter's arm. Carter hissed, I'm sure of that. Meanwhile, the idea of being nude in a hot tub with three men was doing something to me. (Oh grow up, you know exactly what it was doing. I'm not going spoon feed you this entire story).

By the time I was changed for the guest room mini-gym and walking across the yard, the Brothers Adler were already sitting in the steaming hot tub with their mugs of hot chocolate. Liam was pouring whisky in his. He'd been drinking pretty hard since we arrived, but the brothers said that was normal. Liam didn't really drink otherwise, and he'd been pacing himself. But his eyes looked at bit glossy. That could have been the heat of the tub, as well.

"Looking good, E," said Richard, sneering at me.

Fucking dick.

"If you get dizzy, get out," I said, as I walked past.

"Happy sweating!" said Carter.

It won't surprise you to know that the Alder's mini-gym could compete with any hotel gym. I was able to get some leg and arm work done for 15 minutes, use the elliptical for about 15 minutes, and I decided I'd trying running for 20 minutes on the treadmill. I ran for 15 and plodded gracelessly for the final five.

The mill and elliptical faced the floor to ceiling windows and looked out on the pool and the hot tub. Liam looked like a zombie, Richard looked like a dick, and Carter was... well... he was staring at me.

And, I shouldn't have... but I kind of stared back.

The bathroom of the guest house was upstairs - because of course it had two floors - and I stripped and hopped into the shower. I might have stayed in the water longer than I intended to... I mmmmight have been touching myself when I heard snickering above the sound of shower spray.

My checks went instantly flush, and I killed the water. All was quiet. When I opened the frosted-glass shower door, there was no sign of anyone. Nor was there a sign of my clothes.

Or a towel.

Those mother fuckers.

They left my phone, though. Weird move. I must have sat there on the toilet, stark naked, calling Liam's cell two dozen times before I knew I was going to lose this.

Then I thought about the bed, and I ran into the bedroom. The beds had been stripped to the mattresses.

MOTHER. FUCKERS.

Closets? No linens. Cabinets? No towels.

I sneaked down to the kitchenette, careful of the big windows, hands over my body... nothing in the kitchenette either. This was like a dream where you found yourself naked in class. Only it wasn't a dream, and I was naked at my very Catholic future in-laws' home with three men and a PhD close at hand. Given the circumstances, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable if Liam were the only one out there. And you fucking know the Adlers had security cameras everywhere.

Then, in front of the door, I saw a single cut of gift wrapping paper, a pair of scissors, and some tape. And my shoes, no socks.

I grunted, my body flushed. And I breathed through it.

Fine.

There was just enough paper - it was red and white and said, 'Special Delivery from the North Pole' - to wrap around my waist at the narrowest point, but not enough to cover my pussy to any degree of satisfaction. So I had to slide it down and tape it to the skin of my hip, open to one side by an inch at the narrowest point, wider at my thigh.

I though about cutting two little square for my nipples, but I think that would have given them a bigger thrill, so I just held my breasts and walked outside.

There was no point in walking fast - and really, it felt like that paper was going to fall off at any moment. I put on my least impressed face and just kind of strolled along the walk.

All three brothers were still in the hot tub. Richard was laughing his ass off (like a dick). Liam was pinching his sinuses and trying not to smile. Carter was standing there, his hot chocolate mug tipping slowly toward the water, damn near slack-jawed.

Liam opened one eye. "Sorry babe. Hazing is a tough business in this family."

"Is that so?" I said, not slowing, not speeding up. And it was a real struggle, because it was maybe 25 degrees out, the snow still coming down and catching in my dark hair and eyelashes.

"If it makes you feel better, my roommate Danny didn't get wrapping paper at all."

"Someone was going to get an amazing blowjob for Christmas," I said. "Too bad it seems to have disappeared with my clothes."

"Richard!" snapped Liam. "Where'd you put her clothes?"

Naturally, Richard just laughed.

Carter cleared his throat. "Why don't you get in the water, and I'll go get you something else to put on?"

"Why don't you eat me?" I said, glaring at him. But I couldn't make my glare angry. And I was trying very hard not to stare at the erection growing beneath his swimming shorts.

Richard saw it though. "What?! What?!" he shrieked. "What the fuck is THIS?!?" And he swatted Carter's erection with the back of his hand. (This is still, to this day, super on-brand for Richard). That little act of aggression devolved quickly. All three of the Brother's Adler began brawling in the hot tub. And I simply walked back to the house.

I don't think I had much shame left when Mrs. Doctor Adler met me at the door. Her mouth opened, and no words came out.

"Your boys have some fine manners, ma'am," I said, walking past her with every bit the chill I was feeling.

"Not my boys," said the woman, looking out at the rumble in the hot tub. The weariness in her voice actually made me feel a little bad about my attitude. "They will apologize to you."

"The younger ones can do what they want," I said. " Liam, on the other hand, I'll manage that myself."

"E," said the matron with half a grin. "Give him hell."

It's not my nature to hold a grudge or be angry for long. Hell, I don't really get angry unless I'm attacked directly. I tried to act the part when Liam came into my designated bedroom to apologize, but I couldn't stop myself from kissing his fat lip. I did swat his hand away from my boob, so that felt fair. He didn't fight me, either, just grinned and told me dinner would be ready in thirty.

I leaned through the door and shouted down the corridor after him. "And I want my clothes back."

"I'll get Carter to tell me where they are," he said.

"Hang on, I thought that was Richard."

"So did I. They both went in. I tried to stop them."

"Liar."

Liam grinned. "Carter was the one that did the hiding, though."

I went back into the room and closed the door. So... Carter had my clothes. My clean clothes. My sweaty workout clothes. My dirty socks and underwear. It was no decision at all to cross through the adjoining bathroom into Carter's room.

His drawers were a mess. None of the brothers had lived here in years, but there were older things. Tighty-whites that were easily too small for his muscular bottom. Printed tees with cartoons and catch phrases easily ten years old. The ugly sweater drawer was interesting... On the bottom in the back, I found a stack of porn magazines with airbrushed women fucking and masturbating. The pages were pristine, maybe a tiny bit of crinkling - I was under the impression that boys came into their porn mags, but maybe that's a thing girls just tell each other. The box of condoms beside the magazines shouldn't have had an affect on me. But uh, they did. There were some missing, and I couldn't help but wonder if Carter had used them and with whom.

Which was silly. Of course he used them. Liam was the square-jawed, pretty brother. Richard was the bearded mountain man brother. And Carter was the finely featured babyface brother, but that huge smile and cute dimple got him pussy. I'm sure of it. I put away my weird, uncomfortable jealously along with the box.

The cock ring... I held that in my hand for too long. The prostate massager, I just stared at, picturing things I shouldn't have.

There were some folded up letters as well, feminine handwriting on the front. Maybe ten. And there was one in a different hand. I grabbed that one and slipped it into the sleeve of my downy sweater.

My things were nowhere to be seen. I looked over at his dirty laundry basket. Would he hide my things in there? I might.

Dropping onto my knees, I started unloading things onto his bed. So many pairs of gym shorts and tee shirts. I thought touching he sweaty clothes would be gross. It wasn't. And I found myself studying the lining of his gym shorts, the little stains at the front of his crotch.

Biting my lip, I scratched at the residue. My fingertips crossed the skin between my jeans and my navel. Then I lifted my fingers to my nipple and give it a little roll and pinch through my sweater. It was pretty clear I was going to need some alone time to work out this... uh... feeling. I swallowed hard and put the shorts back into the basket.

"Find anything good?"

My heart jumped into my throat, but I managed not to startle. Fuck if I know how. Without turning, I said, "If no one is going to help me find my clothes, I'm going to find them myself."

When I finally rotated, Carter was leaning against the doorframe. He was still shirtless, his arms crossed beneath pecks lightly tufted with dark hair. Dark shorts hung low on his hips, the muscular v-shape pointing to his... ugh... area. His arms looked huge. Was he flexing on purpose?

"They're not in there," he said.

"I figured that out, thanks."

"Have you looked anywhere else"

"Your dresser."

"Did you check the bottom drawer?"

"Yuuuup."

He paused. "Did you find anything interesting?"

"Nothing in your dresser interested me."

His response was a simple hmmm. Then he rolled out of the doorway and into the corridor. "Let me know if that changes."

Fucking Carter and his fucking dimple.

I hurried back to my room, closed the door, and unbuttoned my jeans. My hands found my clit instantly. This wasn't my go-to move, but I could feel the damp, almost wet heat rising my from panties, confirmed when I dipped a finger into my valley and it descended easily through my slippery lips. How could I be this wet already? Truth is, my body had been sensitive and humming since I realized my clothes were missing.

I couldn't stand it. I dropped my pants and panties to my ankles, stepped one foot free, widened my stance and leaned against the wall.

This orgasm had been calling to me for hours now. If I tried to go have dinner with these people without cumming first, I was going to be a mess all through dinner. Especially if Carter spent the entire time staring at me.

My palm hit my clit and my fingers wrapped down along my lips. I loved this move, especially standing because of how full my lips felt against my fingers. Splaying myself open, I curled my middle finger into my silky opening and massaged my g-spot, my palm adding pressure and friction to my hardening clit.

With my free hand, I pulled my sweater up above my bra-less breasts and began to pinch and rapidly flick my nipple. I slid down the wall into a gentle squat to feel that delicious opening of my sex, a bit of air on my asshole. My breathing increased and soon I was panting, my throat closing as I neared orgasm, my body shuddering, so close... so close...

The footsteps in the corridor were my only warning.

FUCK!

I dragged my sweater down, spun around, and reach for my pants.

The door opened.

"Hello there," said Liam.

"Don't you people fucking knock!!" I shouted, stepping into the other leg of my panties and pants.

"Woah, babe. Relax. It's just me."

"Manners, Liam! Goddammit!" And I dragged my bottoms up.

"What are you doing in here? Something I need to look at?"

"Girl things, and none of your business," I said, rounding on him with a scowl.

"You're all red, hon. Really, were you...?"

"You wish," I said, stalking past him and out into the corridor.

UUUUUUGH! I wanted to cry, grieving the loss of my ruined orgasm. My body was still on fire, and a passionate exchange with Liam for any reason was not calming me down. As I stomped down the stairs, I had visions of dragging him back into my room and riding his face until I came all over it.

But instead... Dinner with Doctor Adler and the Mrs, and their juvenile spawn. We were having salmon.

I hardly touched my food, though I tried to participate in the conversation. Much of the discussion was around the boys' antics when they were younger. When stories were about Carter, I looked straight at him, better than the rest of the time when I keep casually trying to see if he was looking at me.

He was.

"Since when don't you like salmon?" whispered Liam. "I told mom you loved it. Is this about earlier? Look, I get if you're mad. It was immature and stupid."

Giving him the side-eye, I said, "It was hilarious, and you know it. Stop worrying."

He had nothing to say to that. In fact, he leaned back in his chair, shaking his head, and then he took the salmon off my plate and ate it with a smile. Eventually he muttered, "I really am the luckiest fucker at this table."

"Liam!" said Mrs. Doctor Adler. "Language!"

My foot lifted out of my slipper and found Liam's leg. He extracted his foot as well and used his toes to play with mine. His left hand settled on my thigh. High on my thigh, his fingers migrating progressively toward my groin.