The Boyfriend Pt. 58

The Boyfriend Part LVIII: How Do I Do It?

Blake

"So, Blake, what did you want to talk about that you felt needed an extra session?"

Blake tried not to grimace at the concern in the doctor's voice. That was a perfectly legitimate question, especially given what she spoken about last time. And given she had scheduled and extra session when her next one was only a few days away.

She took a deep breath, wetting her lips before speaking to give herself a moment to straighten out her thoughts.

"Things are getting a bit overwhelming, and I need someone to talk to about it. I realized that that's not necessarily what a therapist is for, even though it is what a therapist is for, but I..."

She trailed off with a frown.

"It's all right, Blake," Dr. Cardaso said, "I think I understand what you're getting at. Can you articulate exactly what is getting overwhelming?"

Blake shrugged. "The things that I'm doing for my dad. It's a lot of work, and a lot of research, and it's also intimidating. I usually like those things, but it feels like if I get one thing wrong, I'm screwing him over, or maybe myself, or..."

She trailed off, again, putting her face in her hands. After a deep breath, she looked up at Dr. Cardaso again and forced a smile.

"Usually, I'm at least able to finish a complete thought."

Dr. Cardaso let out a small laugh at that, "Well, I can say that being scatterbrained to that way is one of the most common and relatable things anyone will experience."

Blake smiled at that, then sniffed and rubbed at her nose with the back of her arm.

Dr. Cardaso frowned, "Are you all right?"

Blake nodded, sniffing again and crinkling up her nose, "I'm fine. I think it's allergies or something. Boston doesn't really have as much pollen as this area does. I never used to get allergies, but I think coming back here after being away for so long is messing with me."

Dr. Cardaso nodded, and silence stretched through the room for a few minutes. Blake knew what she wanted to say, but it seemed stupid. If she couldn't talk about it even to her therapist, though...

"I'm still afraid to talk to Liam about the stuff with my dad. And my mom's estate."

Blake had to force herself not to snap her mouth shut after that, the words came out so quickly.

"Do you know why? Or are you unable to articulate that at this point? You just feel it?"

Blake shook her head, "I--I know why, but It doesn't seem like a real reason. Because of Liam, not because it's not a valid fear."

Dr. Cardaso just nodded again, leaving the "well, that's why you're here, isn't it?" unspoken.

After chewing on her lip for a moment, Blake took a deep breath.

"I know that I should be able to tell him anything, and I want to. To tell him everything, I mean. I've mostly gotten over the fear of him rejecting me, but I'm worried about relying on him too much."

Dr. Cardaso's eyebrow quirked up at that, "Can you give me an example of what you mean?"

"My ex."

Blake let out a sigh after that and chewed on her lip again before continuing. It didn't quite hurt to force out the words, but it strained her the same way a hard workout did.

"At a certain point, Jamie was the only person that I really talked to or relied on. I confided everything in him. Everything that I probably should have been talking to a therapist about. About my dad, my mom, the way everyone treated me because of my dad, and how angry I was at everyone for blaming him instead of my mom. How angry I was at him for--"

Blake cut herself off, swallowing those words, and trying to swallow that anger at her father. He didn't deserve it. He'd been through enough.

As she continued, Dr. Cardaso surprisingly did not call her on it.

"It took me a while to realize it, but I was isolating myself. I didn't really feel that way at first, but once that settled in, I just fed it even more and I stopped being myself for a while. I just became whatever would get attention and affection from Jamie. A part of that was still there when I saw him the other day, and I hated it."

She paused, taking a few deep breaths to calm herself and forcing herself to not think about the other person from her past that she'd seen earlier this week. There would be time to talk about that later.

"I know that a lot of that was him taking advantage of me while I was in an emotional state. I know that wasn't a healthy relationship, and that Liam wouldn't take advantage of me in that way. But I'm still scared of losing myself. I did that with Jamie because he was the only person I had. And I like to think I was a bit less mature and way stupider than I am now."

That got a little smile out of Dr. Cardaso.

"But Liam is the exact opposite of that. It's a good thing, but I think it's a good thing that could go too far if I'm not careful. Even though I'm more aware of things like this now, he's just so good for me that a part of me is afraid that I might lose myself in him because of that. And that I might rationalize that it's making me better to do that. I want to share everything with him, but..."

"If anything happens, you'll be alone again," Dr. Cardaso supplied when she trailed off, "you'll be isolated, have changed yourself for someone else, and have become so used to relying on someone else, and in their absence, you would be lost. Does that sound right?"

Eyes hot, Blake swallowed, sniffling again. This time, it wasn't from allergies.

Dr. Cardaso's Smile helped her feel a little bit better, "Unfortunately, that's the risk that everyone takes one entering into our relationship. It doesn't matter if it's romantic, sexual, or platonic. We are our own people, able to shape ourselves and our lives and touch the people around us, but that means that we are in turn shaped by those we spend our time with. You can be smart about relationships by setting boundaries, and protect yourself to a point by ensuring the relationships are healthy, and reflecting on them or talking it out with the other person when needed, but if you protect yourself too much, then that relationship won't be as meaningful."

Blake sighed, "So, essentially I'm fucked if I do and fucked if I don't?"

Dr. Cardaso snorted, "I think it's a bit more nuanced than that, but essentially, yes. Though, most people will often say that a relationship that ends with still worth the hurt that came along with it."

Blake nodded, linking her fingers together, and resting her chin atop her knuckles.

"How do I do it, then? Be less scared of trusting Liam with this sort of thing?"

"Well, we can definitely go over some strategies for you to make sure that you're not losing yourself or changing yourself in ways that you don't want, or that take away from who you are, and there are some exercises that will help with facing fears in general. Before any of that, though, you need to decide if this relationship is truly something you want. If you think that any hurt that may come from it will be worth the fulfillment you might get from letting yourself be more vulnerable and have more stake in this relationship."

Strangely enough, Blake found that that last part was the easiest one. She smiled.

"I think I'm already way past that decision."

A/N: What do you think of Blake's worries? Have you ever felt that way about someone?