The Bridge - A Little More 02

"Hmmm - are you familiar with the "love bucket" metaphor ideas? Or maybe called love tank or emotional tank?"

Gloria looked a little confused. "I am aware of the concept of a child's emotional tank as it relates to developmental and nurturing issues. More vaguely aware of some ideas surrounding adult issues. And a simplified way of structuring definitions of "love" between people - using "love languages?" Something like that -"

"Yes. I have not had any formal therapy or even read any books about this. But I have dated a woman who is a professional relationship therapist. She couldn't ethically treat me when we were dating ourselves - but she is a woman and couldn't help trying to "fix me" just a little bit. She conveyed quite a bit of general info, and just a little bit of personal observation and analysis - but mostly she let me try to figure some things out by myself. She is a great person and a good friend."

"Sounds like you really like her."

"I do," nodding my head.

"Is it serious?"

"Oh, no - not with her. She pulled the plug on that idea pretty quickly."

"Why?"

"Ah, that ties right in with this discussion on love tanks. That's the place in the mind or heart or soul where we all deposit and store the love feelings we get from others. Feelings are all greatly subjective and vary from individual to individual. Feelings about others expression of feelings complicates matters. Like the song says, in many ways love is a "second hand emotion." And love tanks vary in size. People with larger tanks are generally 'needier'. You know, need more love feelings to fill up! Everyone is happiest and most satisfied with a full tank.

"Now with all this individuality and subjectivity, just statistically there are similarities that apply to all normal people - men and women. With men and women being generally different from one another. To net it out men feel loved when they receive physical affection and intimacy - and especially sex - from their romantic love interest. This supplies anywhere from 50-80% of that love feeling that goes in their own bucket. The rest comes from merely words and other actions. Non-sexual expressions of love include doing things together, loving children together, laughing together. Just feeling liked and accepted.

"With most normal women the major difference is that sex itself supplies only about 30% of the needed feelings of love. All the sex and physical intimacy that might occur, no matter how much, doesn't add to the bucket above this 30% level. It just doesn't. What then does add is verbal expressions of love - words of endearment, compliments, promises, just attention - including sex talk - that also supplies about 30% of the love bucket needs. The final major 30% component is purely material needs - gifts like flowers, jewelry, perfume and ultimately cash from a significant other. And also service help - pitching in on household chores, helping with the kids. The cash comes in from a husband or live-in who dedicates it not directly to the woman, but the family and household. It isn't prostitution. Not even a similarity. All of a prostitutes love tank needs come from her pimp, generally - none from her Johns.

"So - I finally see one of the biggest problems here that I experienced. Our seemingly total lack - failure to communicate - on what went down Memorial Day and before. Do you see it, now, too?"

She looked thoughtful before replying. "To me it was just a fling, it only provided at most 30% of my love bucket needs but to you, you viewed it as an almost 80% important thing. Ah, this is why women can often be a little more forgiving of the occasional stray by their husbands than men can be about their women. Is that it?"

"Yep. That's a big part of it, but there is a little more from my own perspective that this idea helps me articulate. I felt before I learned this, but didn't have the words other than just a general feeling of a huge betrayal - and you would always answer basically: but it wasn't, don't you see? Can't you forgive me?

"Yes, why couldn't I accept that, try to forgive and move on with you? It was because I am damaged now, in a kind of shock PTSD way I can't seem to recover totally from. This isn't like a rape or violent assault PTSD. But what you did that Saturday was figuratively shoot a hole in the bottom of my love tank. Then gradually enlarge it as the day and night went on. My love reservoir slowly drained, and was totally sucked dry by your sounds of pleasure with Gabe that night. Sounds I had never heard before and can't forget now. You and he were sharing feelings of love, in my primary love language - physical intimacy - and also obviously more intensely and just better than you and I had ever communicated that way. And all the physical contact between you, the kissing and fondling Saturday. I couldn't stand it and you were all smiles, all day. You just didn't even notice, much less care. It felt like both a betrayal and abandonment.

"I also felt there must have been more. Enough hints were dropped by both Gabe and you that other love languages might have been involved. It was just intuition. You can yell "it was just a little sex, a little fun fling" as loud and often as you want to. To my male brain your actions alone said it was still love, my love, you took from me and gave to him. But you also was receiving his love into your own tank, mixed with mine and diluting mine. And I will bet all his sweet words, promises of gifts - you know, my raises or bonuses promised! - and maybe also real gifts to you, were added to your tank, his flavor of love further diluting mine. Tell me true, my former sweet love, did he give you gifts directly? Flowers or candy, maybe? A little more?"

Her face had blanched as I spelled out how I felt that terrible weekend, and why, but now a little rose colored her cheeks and she whispered, "Flowers at work, hinted at promises, his favorite expensive perfume Saturday morning, and finally Sunday morning before we came downstairs a matching bracelet and anklet of gold, rubies, and diamonds. Obviously the idea was I could always wear the anklet even if I thought you might notice the bracelet. I am such a fool. Hopeless."

"I can imagine you were extremely happy and satisfied Saturday night right before sleep. After all, your love tank was filled to overflowing, with my love language expression contributions and also Gabe's. That's kind of how it works for many people in similar two lover situations. A full love tank is an exciting thing and makes it easier to share one's own love expressively thru the various languages. More generous in physical affection and verbal praise, service and spending quality time and other ways love can be communicated to another. I honestly bet now you just couldn't wait to shower your affections upon me and the kids and others you liked after that Saturday. That idea didn't make any sense at all to me at the time. A vast chasm was opening between us.

"You were full of love feelings and you had no idea what I was going thru. It is a terrible thing to feel one's emotional love reservoir leaking out and not really know or understand what was happening. Almost as bad and debilitating as a major clinical depression setting in. It was very scary, actually - and it was all I could do to stay a bit focused and execute my plans. First and foremost was to get the hell out of there and away from you and keep you away as long as possible. That is why it was very lucky that bridge got burnt.

"If I had burnt that bridge it might have taken 20 gallons of gas, and if I had 20 gallons of gas I might have had the fleeting thought that you were all, at that moment, passed out and helpless. At my mercy. I could have burned the whole place down and everyone of you in it right then and there. And the idea wouldn't have bothered me, much. I just decided to stick with my plan, though, and slunk off. The other ideas I had for just a small measure of revenge didn't occur until hours afterwards on that long dismal drive home. You see, love is just one of several kinds of emotional tanks. There is also the hate tank, with hate languages like grievances for disrespect and emotional wounding, dispensing vigilante justice thru vengeance, righteous anger, curses and physical attacks. My hate tank was filling up as my love tank emptied.

"I thought moving some Countrywide money around was just a trivial and almost wimpy thing to do. I never expected it would sink the company. Gabe was far more incompetent than I thought he might be at the worst. His talents and success with you and his other ladies was in no way mirrored by actual business knowledge and talents. Oh well, water under the bridge now. The burnt to ashes bridge.

"So, see why Julia - Dr. Parker - opted out of pursuing a possible serious relationship with me?"

"Your baggage? That full hate tank? Me and the children? Do you - maybe - still have feelings for me?"

"Some of that. The main issue is that hole in my tank is still there. Hardly any feelings of love in my reservoir, even now. Ah - but the hate tank is close to empty also. The physical intimacy love expressions I have gotten from other women, including Julia, drains away pretty quickly. The only thing now that helps even a little bit is the love inputs I get from Bobby and Anna. That leaks out slower while being constantly replenished. I'm not a good candidate for anyone as a serious lover right now. Julia understood this.

"She also understands I will increasingly be tempted to go the Casanova route - that of shallow sexual conquests. The fakery is not that difficult a thing to do. Women, generally, are hardwired to accept seduction just via words and minimal gifts expenditures. All it takes is a little bit of money and complete lack of morals. Just kill your own conscience. One can lie in the love languages just as easily as in English. Gabe was good at it and his good looks helped, but the real notorious seducers in history were mainly toads in the looks department. Funny eh?"

"Lyle, I had no idea. I am truly, truly sorry how unhappy you still are. I went thru that very dark period myself. My own love tank was pretty damn empty too and I tried the drugs and a few zipless sex episodes - and they didn't work at all. I did want you back so badly and didn't really know why. I sure didn't understand the depth of your own despair because you hid all that from me. You did the stiff upper lip thing and never answered my question that I thought made sense: are you happier without me or would you be happier back with me? As long as that hole is there it doesn't make any difference. I can see that now. How can we fix this? Can I do anything at all? Maybe you should see Julia professionally?"

I couldn't help but smile. "I'm thinking about that seriously. To be honest we were, and still are, occasional friends with benefits. And she is just so darn good - both enthusiastic and very skilled - at sex - that I sort of hate to give that up now. I keep hoping those love feelings I do get from Julia with the orgasms is knitting that hole closed or at least making it a little smaller."

"You told me once you hated me. I really couldn't understand that then and didn't believe it. Now I do understand it and I do believe that you hated me as we went thru the divorce. But - is that still true? I so wish it wasn't true anymore. And if it isn't, could we actually date a little bit? You could practice Don Juan seduction lies and techniques on me, if you wished to?"

She said this with a bit of nervous laugh as if to convey, 'just kind of joking here, maybe. Maybe not.'

"Honestly, I've pondered that question. It's not a new question, either. It has always been in the back of my mind. But then, I really did keep expecting you to marry someone else pretty quickly. That was my conclusion, I had proof enough that I couldn't really meet your needs sexually, I felt. Then that I couldn't meet your love tank needs - sex, companionship, and financially. Gabe had me beat in all three areas and I figured so did lots of other men, if not Gabe Zilo.

"Uh, I've just heard mentioned by Bobby this John McMann guy? Is that serious? I wouldn't want to interfere in that now. Shoot, I'm not sure I want to risk our current more friendly detente situation by pursuing anything else right now. Plus, I am seriously considering taking a kind of sabbatical from work to travel a bit to try and "find myself" doing some new things. Maybe climb a mountain. Buy a sailboat. I don't know. All I've done since before law school is work."

"Oh, Lyle - please don't disappear on us! The kids really do need you around and honestly I need that too. Above all else I don't want our relationship to ever get worse again, either. And John - it's McMahon - is just a friend and probably that is all he will ever be. He is starting to realize that. We never even got to that exclusive stage and we don't see each other at all some weekends and hardly ever during the week. It won't be an issue for me or John if you and I get together sometimes and experiment a little, or a lot - as much as you feel comfortable with. Maybe we can even talk some more about psychology issues. Child psychology is my field of specialty, but I am a little more learned in other areas than what is covered in the popular scientific and medical press. You can ask me anything you like, if Julia's not available."

"Thanks. I won't just disappear. If I decide to get away for a bit, I'll make sure the kids understand and will try my best to stay in contact with them, probably daily. OK?"

"Maybe. You know, we have never had this kind of conversation before. It's almost like 'who are you, and where is my husband?' It's just you've never opened up like this about your own feelings. I admit I feel confused."

"Well, I felt the same way that Friday at Gabe's mountain cabin. Welcome to the club. The truth is I am different now and plan on being even more different. I also want to apologize to you for a few things. I've beaten up on you quite a bit and I feel you have probably been pretty rough on yourself. For the first year after we separated I held you 100% accountable and couldn't see it any other way. But this last year I have become more introspective. Julia has helped me in this immeasurably."

"And I couldn't?"

"Not when I wouldn't talk to you, much less listen to you. That's kind of hard to surmount. The truth is that you kicked my ass, and now I think I can see that I needed it. I had been not happy for a long time. Not unhappy, and even sort of satisfied with my life - but I wasn't really happy either. I was a dull boy, and then a dull man. I had done nothing but work and family since college. I was serious and focused on succeeding, smart enough to get a law degree and pass the bar first time, but not smart enough to do these things easily. And I think maybe we both took the easiest way out and settled for one another as lovers and then marrieds.

"I've had more "me" time the last couple of years than all the previous 20 combined. I've read more and watched more movies and then actually had time to think about many things. I knew all along I wasn't the most macho and manly of men - but my self comparison of my sexual prowess vs. Gabe's - with you being the yardstick - was crushing. I even started watching some porn to try and learn something. Seeing those guys with their huge dicks didn't help at all, initially.

"But then, this is where Julia really helped. She pointed out that in a lot of porn, the women didn't seem to be enjoying those huge dicks all that much. In fact, one has to search quite a bit to find a woman in porn actually having an orgasm while having actual intercourse with one of those freaks. Or at least faking it believably! And freaks they are, basically only one in a zillion has an actual 9 inch or larger penis. The worldwide average is under 6 inches hard and most men are in the 5 to 7 inch average range. It is a bell curve with a large middle and then pretty steep sides. And orgasm is a much more complicated thing for women anyway. Just insert a large hard A into slot B isn't enough by a large margin.

"But men basically get off every single time they have sex, and the actual "sexiness" of the woman doesn't matter much at all. Oh, it might matter before the act gets started but not during it. All those cliches about female attractiveness at tavern closing time? True. But other things matter more to women than mere size of the organ, or even skill and stamina beyond the minimal necessities. Bam, wham, thank you Ma'am isn't going to do it. You know all this - I had to learn it in a little more depth.

"Uh, since Julia was a professional in this area, she was also very skilled at lovemaking and gently enhanced my own knowledge and skills in some areas. She was never a surrogate but she practiced a lot on her own time. She has never been married either, but I doubt she ever had difficulties finding some partners for mutual practice. So - I am past that whole 'Gabe's a great lover and I wasn't' bother.

"But, I also think you were just maybe as bored - as not happy - with our lives as me. At least you tried some things. Getting your Ph.D. in psychology was first. That was great and I supported you all the way even though I had to pick up a little more of the child rearing duties while you studied. No problem - I enjoyed it. Then your own career began. Again, no problem and we needed the extra income. Then your exercise and running hobby. Again, I didn't think this was a problem but I should have started running with you - but honestly that just didn't appeal to me and I was too deeply sucked into my own career work, and the long hours I had to put in just left me tired - and dull.

"But then I started reaping the benefits of my new wife. My spectacularly in-shape woman with a new sparkle in her eyes and an increased libido. I could hardly keep up with that but sure tried my best. That was a period the not happy almost went away. I noticed the way other men now reacted to you and I was proud of that. But - how to put this - it made me a bit nervous, because I am a dull no risk kind of guy, and a new vivacious wife was suddenly a different situation. I knew men would be flirting with you now even more. I knew you might be tempted in ways that you hadn't faced before. Neither of us had ever had that kind of experience in our past, not even college. And yes, I did note and appreciate that you were a virgin when we first got together. That was plus then but now?

"My personality was kind of like that character in that "Along Came Polly" movie - the insurance risk assessment expert who lived his own kind of temerous life. That was me! I went with the flow and worked hard at my job but I didn't make things happen, just made the best of what came along. Even my revenge on Gabe was more because of his failings than my plotting, I thought at most it would just annoy and irritate him. And then I fell into a great thing when Bernie showed back up from Florida and with just enough cash and credit to buy Countrywide back. I didn't make that happen, but at least I negotiated some good partnership terms and I have worked my butt off to hold up my end of the bargain. But that still was more reactive than proactive.

"And I ran away from you. You were probably sure that wouldn't happen because you knew how wimpy I was. That's probably the best word for it. But you miscalculated because running away is just another form of wimpiness. Passive-aggressiveness is another form.

"Bottomline is that our marriage worked pretty well for a while, but to use another cliche we grew apart before Gabe. And Gabe didn't really tear us apart, more like he merely illuminated existing conditions."

"You've made some points, maybe. I need to think about some of these things and check with Dr. Manning. Darn it, though - I won't ever get that idea I settled for you out of your head now. If you would just give me another real chance I would keep your love tank filled with loving caresses and sexual responses like you wouldn't believe, honey. I'm pretty normal sexually, I think. I didn't orgasm every time we had sex when we were married, even when my libido did increase with my general fitness. But I still enjoyed each and every time immensely and that part of my love tank you kept filled. Maybe I did get bored a tad - and that familiarity/contempt thing - but that wasn't real contempt at you or our lovemaking - just a form of growing tolerance and needing a bit more - which I could have gotten from you with a real "just us" vacation. Not that other - argh! Sorry." Gloria expressed her frustration.