The Bridge - A Little More 02

(If you haven't already, please read "The Bridge" by RichardGerald here first and then my own "The Bridge - a Little More". This won't make a lot of sense otherwise.)

What's love got to do, got to do with it
What's love, but a second hand emotion
-Tina Turner

It has been a year since my dinner with my ex-wife Gloria at her request.

In retrospect I don't feel so great about that night and the many harsh things I've done and said to her.

Surprisingly, she has acted graciously about the whole thing since then. She has made no more attempts at reconciliation via manipulation, and I guess we have fallen into a kind of truce.

She has been friendly whenever we have talked about the coordination of our children's matters. We have both attended parent-teachers meetings and various school activities: sports, band concerts, and one play that Anna, now ten years old, starred in. She did really good, of course!

Robert, now 14, and Anna both apparently have accepted and adjusted to the new family dynamics. But there were tears, especially from Anna, those first few months of our separation.

My work as part owner - now full half owner - of Countrywide has gone very, very well. I am still working hard but the profits have been very lucrative. I am well-off now, approaching wealthy - if not quite the very wealthy Gabe Zilo once was when he spent a spare few million buying Countrywide. I am much more involved in marketing and general management and we hired a newly minted lawyer to do all the basic grunt work I used to do. I manage him and review only some of our commercial deals paper now. We are now easily three times larger than back then, just two years ago when Zilo's Countrywide imploded right along with my marriage.

I have had my share of dates and one extended 6 month relationship with a rather attractive woman met through work - also a lawyer but working for a large bank. But she broke it off when a better option appeared. Strangely enough it didn't really bother me. The more frequent sex was nice and she was always nice to my children, and vice versa - but it was always a cool friendly kind of polite nice, not warm affection between them. The kids never seemed to even notice when she wasn't in the picture anymore.

I knew from just casual conversation with Bobby (Robert) that Gloria was also apparently in a longer term probably exclusive relationship with a man, a John McMann or something, that the kids liked. I had not met him yet.

As part of my newfound financial condition I had joined a family oriented country club. They had good children's programs in golf and swimming and tennis, and my son Bobby was interested in latter two. Not golf so much. Gloria had "guest" privileges on my account though was not a full fledged member. She had limited access to the dining room, pool, and tennis courts and daily use fees for her applied and were charged to my account. Just escorting the kids there and watching them swim or use the tennis courts was unlimited free of charge and no problem at all, of course.

Tonight was a tennis lesson night for Bobby. A half hour of private coaching and then some group activities, drills and modified doubles type competition.

I joined Gloria and Anna in the stands watching Bobby.

"Hey, how is he doing?" I greeted Gloria. "Give me a hug, sweetheart," as I hugged Anna.

"He is doing great tonight. His volleys have gotten much better," Gloria said.

I watched him for a bit just enjoying his smiles and youthful enthusiasm. It was a peaceful thing.

Anna had drifted away a bit playing with a couple of girls her age she had become friends with at the club.

"The kids seem to be alright," I ventured. "Being back in the old house with you is better?"

"Yes. Thank you. I am happier being back there. And you are enjoying your new house? Anna said it was huge, and she really likes her big room there."

"Yeah, it's going good. Pretty much all moved in and squared away now. The crucial thing for Bobby and Anna was getting internet and cable functioning. Even food in the fridge was secondary to that."

Gloria laughed. "Modern kids. The digital age. I try to limit the time they both spend just doing that - and you?"

"Oh, same here. It's challenging."

"Yes. Being a single parent certainly is - I never dreamed that would be me. Us."

"I didn't either. Not the when and also not how it went down - but listen, this isn't the place to discuss this. But I would like to have another talk with you on all of it. Are you free some night that we could get together? Maybe another dinner and I will definitely be nicer than last time. I promise. But if you don't want to, that's OK too. You don't owe me a thing, now."

There was silence now. Not uncomfortable and I continued watching Bobby work on his game. The kid was quick and had great reflexes.

Finally she replied, "I think I would like that. I have some questions for you too. Perhaps it is a good time, the - passions - have diminished, I think."

"Thank you. Call or text me when you can be available?"

"I'll let you know tomorrow. Just have to check my calendar and make sure I can schedule a babysitter. Sometime in the next week should be doable."

"That will work for me. Uh, I brought something I'd like you to read before our meeting. After our last dinner date, I wrote kind of a story about it. I tried to remember my own words and thoughts as clearly as I could. But I also imagined some stuff about you - your own thoughts surrounding your own actual words spoken that night and also that Christmas Eve you ambushed me at the house. Some of it is pretty far out and probably all wrong. But as a psychologist you might be interested in what it shows about my own state of mind then. OK?"

Gloria smiled a little. "Sure, I'd like to read that. Should be interesting. I have my own memories of both those events. If nothing else it will be a little experiment in our communications issues. Anything else, Lyle?"

"Not tonight, no. Uh, I did want to mention that you are looking good, lately. You know, just better than before when the divorce was fresh. Healthier - and I'm glad."

Gloria chuckled. "You mean am I'm gaining some weight? Yes, I am. It's OK and thanks for noticing it. I have noticed you are looking better too - actually like you have lost some weight and firmed up. This country club living must be good for you."

Now my turn to smile. "Thank you. I am trying to take care of myself a little bit better. Cutting back on the hours at work is part of that. Working smarter and not just putting hours in."

So, we ended up having our dinner date the next Thursday night. I chose a nice expensive steakhouse primarily for the spread out and more private booths available there.

I tried for nothing but pleasant small talk thru most of dinner. Gloria looked excited and almost like she was about to burst, finally I started easing into it.

"How is your running going?"

"Oh, I've cut back a lot. No more than 3 times a week now and only a very occasional race. I don't try seriously competing anymore."

"Surprising. You enjoyed it so much there for a while - "

"Oh, I became obsessed. I admit it now. And I think it contributed to our - my - troubles."

"I wondered about that. I still wonder about a lot of things. It's why I wanted this meeting with you. The only thing I am hopeful for tonight is honesty, an honest exchange?"

"I will try. Some things are difficult for me to discuss I'm afraid. I appreciate that little story you gave me to read. I've read it many times already. It has made me think and try to honestly remember many things. Some of your insights I thought pretty good - understandable at any rate."

A thoughtful silence ensued.

"Perhaps you can tell me what I got completely wrong in that story, first?"

Sigh. "OK, I did not have an affair, a physical affair with any sexual contact, before that weekend. But I had started an emotional thing. He was calling me and flirting heavily, more than flirting - it was almost phone sex. And - and, I reciprocated, I am ashamed to say."

OK. "And the drug usage? It was just that I was surprised with you smoking grass so readily at that weekend? Any other drug usage?"

"It was a crazy time. I was crazy. I was running a lot, like usual. I had become thin and then suddenly too thin, too little body fat. I guess that made me very attractive to most other men. But becoming so thin does things to a woman's body - affects our hormones and sometimes even menses stops. It also lowered my tolerance to alcohol. I WAS darn drunk that night at the Christmas Party when Gabe first kissed me. That was all that happened that night, physically - but I did kiss him back and then was very conflicted. And then he really started his campaign on me. It was nice at first, But then it stressed me out. He excited me and that stressed me out. I borrowed some pills from a girlfriend. Legal "anxiety" pills but not legal to just borrow, of course. I did take some of them occasionally and tried some self-medication relief that way. I took a pill on the way to the cabin that weekend because I was so nervous and unsure. I was a mess, Lyle. I wasn't ever entirely sober any time that entire weekend, except maybe that Saturday morning after I gave you that blow job the night before. But you weren't there when I woke up and briefly thought to myself 'we need to get the hell out of here.' The little I could think thru my headache that morning. "

"Ah, my fault?"

"Not even a little bit. I never actually thought that, rationally. I'm just recalling circumstances as best I can now. Mimosas were first thing, even before the coffee, then some eggs benedict, then smoking some weed started and drinking wine throughout the day. I was high when you returned and I was also very horny and aroused from making out with Gabe and watching the others make out.

"Hell, I was horny from the night before when I blew you. I should have let you fuck me then. The main reason I didn't was I knew I would scream if you did. And I was afraid that would let my secrets out. You would wonder. Ha! I know that doesn't make sense considering what happened the next day and night. Maybe I sounded sober and sane when we talked. When I made my little rebellious declaration, but I wasn't. Gabe was a skilled seducer and he wasn't a good man. But you know that. But I did want him by then. Not instead of you, but I know it must have seemed that way."

"You told me you 'faked it' with Gabe. All that moaning and screaming. Is that true?"

"No. I lied to you. A silly lie to just try and minimize what I did. I would have screamed in those circumstances if it had been you. Probably screamed more. We all took some molly that night too. That and the long, long day of foreplay and the soft-swing orgy situation meant I was ready to pop and pop big as soon as he touched me there. Between my legs. And Gabe did have the stamina and fast recovery ability. He might have used Viagra or something like that. I'm not sure."

"And the next morning?"

"I woke up in bed with him, of course. He woke me up already on top and pumping away. It certainly was different from the night before for me. I heard the other couples going at it, too - and this time I did fake it to get him off and off me. My headache that morning was much worse than the day before. Little did I realize that was actually the best I would feel all that day and the whole following week. It was again Mimosas and breakfast right away and my mind started clearing a little when someone mentioned they thought a car seemed to be missing. I thought you were just sleeping late but I decided to check on you then, though I was more than a little nervous to face you, at that point. And you were gone.

"It was our rental SUV that was missing. So I called you and you wouldn't answer. Gabe said it was alright and that I shouldn't worry. That he was Mr. Big who was in control as your boss and you couldn't really do anything. But my heart felt a chill. They all wanted to keep partying of course and there was nothing I could do. No one volunteered to go after you. No one knew where you went, anyway. They started passing the joints around and drinking again and I eventually did a little too. And yes I spent the night drunk and high with Gabe again and he fucked me some more and I hated it. Absolutely hated it and him and even you. This was the start of my emotional "it was your fault" thinking. My own little pity party stage.

"I left Gabe's bed that night after he passed out. I slept the rest of that night in our room and bed with the door locked. Gabe never touched me again, but that was the day we discovered the bridge was gone. My heart really froze up then and I really had that first deep fear. The whole what was going on? What had I done? Confusion and a deep unhappiness.

"But I still hoped and prayed you wouldn't really leave me and divorce me. I tried spinning it all kinds of ways in my own mind. Why had I done these things? All of those things? How could it all have happened without your concurrence - your letting it happen in all kinds of ways? You brought me up here TO Gabe! You did! You said you loved me and that I did deserve some fun! You didn't stop me when I said point blank I was going to spend the whole night with Gabe, fucking him. Do you see the logic here? I sure convinced myself. The problem was it didn't convince you. And rightly so. So, you did leave me. Divorce me. And I was angry about it. Those "anger issues" I mentioned. I've been in therapy, by the way. I finally started after our last dinner meeting. I should have started much earlier. Just another little bit of stupidity on my part."

"When Gabe and I first met after he finally got off the mountain, he told me that I was just a wimp who couldn't satisfy his wife and that he was going to "tap that ass whenever I want." So, did he, ever at all? I thought that he might have so I included that in my story."

"Oh no, he never even contacted me again after he left the mountain that weekend. I never even got a chance to cuss him out for his part in ruining the best thing that ever happened to me. Turns out he was the real nothing all along, just like you told me that Christmas Eve. I was such a fool in so many ways. Maybe there was a little bit of familiarity breeds contempt, well boredom, why I did what I did to you and us, but also then with my dismal and desperate attempts to try and explain it to you that one time. All that nonsense about my own insecurity and self esteem issues and that "wanting a Prince" bull. I am almost more ashamed of that night than anything else. It was all just more rationalizing that I was trying to use as an excuse you might buy into. And again, I had taken another Xanax or something before that night to even be able to confront you. I was just so scared."

"You sounded distressed, for sure. But it also sounded like the ring of truth. It really did confuse me. You kept saying you really loved me but that I wasn't "a prince" and you wanted a prince. How could you love me truly if I wasn't what you wanted all along? And then Gabe came along and WAS what you said you wanted - and you got him. Boy, did you get him -"

"I know. I really do understand your confusion. I almost got myself into some real trouble self-medicating with antidepressants. I should know better. I should have known better, but I messed up there too. Luckily I got a good therapist that helped me off that crap without inpatient treatment and has also helped me with other issues, like that "wanting a Prince" fantasy. You were right there in your story. It was an almost infantile thing that Gabe picked up on and successfully utilized. I knew better but I let it happen."

"So, have you dated a lot - looking for a real Prince - as I imagined?"

"I have dated a little after the divorce was finalized and I finally gave up on us as a romantic couple. As I said, that was never Gabe and I also never went to any clubs alone looking for anything. A few men have asked me out and the funny thing is I compare everyone to you as my loyal and hardworking and truly loving husband, and not playboy Gabe, as the standard."

She paused a bit and then asked, "Is what you told me true? That you have dated and bedded a lot of women since we separated?"

"I might have exaggerated a tad, but I have had some success in the dating and pickup scene, when I get really bored or needful of some relief. I'm not real big on long periods of celibacy, but I definitely put the kids and then work first. I don't have Gabe's predilections - or pharmaceutical aids - in that area. I liked being married, Gloria. I liked being married to you. I won't say that I was perfectly happy and satisfied, but that I understood the tradeoffs and compromises that had to be made. I thought you understood that as well, and all that that entailed."

"I did, at least I thought I did - right up until I let it get away from me. I know that I am a cheater now and will always be a cheater. I did it and can't undo it. The very worst thing for me now is that I did it to you in the most thoughtless and cruel way it is possible to do. Not only am I a cheater but a sadistic crone too. It is very difficult learning such truths about oneself. To say that I was dismayed when I finally realized what I had done and what I had become - well, I am so thankful I found Dr. Manning to help me."

"I am truly sorry things were so difficult for you. I was in a lot of distress myself in many ways. Losing your love, thinking that I never had your love from the beginning even, was painful. Doubting my own ability to satisfy you in all ways, sexually, financially, just with my love and affection, was also very debilitating. Perhaps I needed some therapy myself. Instead I just did some research online. I found a site called "Surviving Infidelity" with lots of (apparently) true stories from others whose marriages and relationships had failed or been seriously damaged by such betrayals. Some couples survived as couples. Others split up immediately or even after trying to repair the damage. I thought from the night you walked away from me and directly into his arms that you were thru with me as your husband. Your obvious sounds of pleasure solidified those thoughts. You really weren't nearly as convincing with your mere words: it will just be this weekend.

"Nope. It would have been forever in my mind and in your own mind. Nothing would have erased those memories, and I seriously doubted from your memories as well. So I wasn't buying the 'this weekend only' crapola. Do you understand?"

"Yes. I really am so sorry for so much -"

"And then in our next two meetings, the only feeling I got while listening to you was how you were just trying to manipulate me and get control back over me. But not because you loved me.

You said specifically that Christmas Eve, "I want to come home. We want to be a family again in our little house. What you've done to us is not fair." Can you see? Where were the expressions from you of your love for me romantically? Your need for me physically? You even claimed to have "faked" these needs for Gabe while loving him visibly very enthusiastically, but offered me nothing in that Christmas Eve ambush but a kind of revisionist history of our entire relationship. That was just damn strange. And then our little dinner get together and you did offer me no strings sex in the most unappealing way. It was like "who is this woman" for me then. Perhaps I am just the fool - too romantic for my own good? Perhaps I have my own self-esteem deficiencies, that you view as just tiresome whining? "

"I messed up in almost every way during that period but you are wrong about the history of our relationship. I just said some things very badly. But I did take you for granted and that started early on in our marriage. Especially after Bobby was born. Many people enter the fields of psychology and psychiatry to first try and fix their own emotional problems. This is so well known a fact it is almost a joke. But the joke ends up being on me. Not only did I not identify and fix some of my own serious emotional issues, I became self-absorbed and lost into those old feelings and fantasies. And I became almost blind and uncaring about you and your thoughts and feelings. I was still in love with you, and I still love you but I honestly know how hopeless that is now. I don't blame you even one bit anymore. I just mourn the death of our marriage and your love for me. I am also thankful you continue being such a good attentive Dad."