All Comments on 'The Bus Boy Ch. 01'

Do a spell check when you type or get an editor. Great story except you have a few grammatical errors.But will give you 5 stars on the hotness of the sex scene.

Who is Mark?

"She wrapped her hand around it -- her fingers not touching and Mark shuddered from head to toe."

Some of the dialog is terrible. The guy doesn't know he's endowed nor his way around women, but he knows he shouldn't be ejaculating in her? Non sequitur.

Minus a Star for "to be continued." that's a loser's conclusion. "Thi might be a good summer" was an appropriate conclusion.

Okay, noticed a few others who enjoyed the story with a "but". I'm one too, but my issue is "three inches wide"? I've had a couple of ladies toot my whistle, but I don't know of any who would open that wide. 8.9 inches long is one thing, but twice as wide as a golf ball? C'mon man!

Your sex scene was one of the best I've read. It was long, detailed, physical, and emotional. You have the talent to be a "great" writer of erotica. Yes, there are some grammatical and spelling problems, but those can be corrected (try using grammarly or some other editing program). The major problem for me was your incredible ignorance of female autonomy. Look it up on Google or where ever. The part that struck me as the most glaring was when his balls hit her clit while he was encased in her, impossible! Again look it up. These kinds of mistakes can be easily corrected with a little research. Keep writing you have the talent and the ability to make sex read realistically rather than clinically.

Good catch on the name. Resubmitted with correction. As for who Mark is ... that's a long series that will drop in a few months time.

This was an excellent piece. The build to the eventual seduction was, for me, characterised by the lack of the usual expectation that the guy would take control. A very egalitarian view of how it should go. Thanks, a great read.