The Chasm and the Bridge Ch. 01

After a pause Katie spoke.

"I guess like always with them it comes down to money, and they always seem to find people willing to sell themselves."

For the first time Julie began to feel angry. She was not some whore who had fucked a rich man for his money. And she still felt that they seemed to have some unreasoning prejudice against Henry, after all he had not done anything wrong as far as she could see.

"Hold on a minute, Katie. I made it clear that I did not do anything even slightly wrong with Henry."

Katie looked at Julie derisively.

"So, you went out on a date with him, knowing how Jake felt about him, not telling Jake, and you then went home with him and spent the best part of two hours with him, just the two of you? And you expect me to believe that you were playing Monopoly or what?"

Suddenly Julie had a brainwave.

"Look, I will call Henry and he will explain that nothing happened between us."

She took up her phone, and Katie responded unexpectedly, dripping with sarcasm.

"So, Julie, on first name terms, are we? Have his mobile number in your phone?"

Julie was shocked to be talked to like this by someone she had considered a close friend only one day ago.

"Please. Just let me clear this up."

Katie looked disgusted, and strangely a little scared, but Julie pressed ahead, seeing it as perhaps the only possible solution to this ridiculous situation. Henry answered after a few rings and she put him on speakerphone.

"Hi, Henry."

"Hi Julie, lovely to hear your voice again so soon, how are you doing? I hope you have recovered from last night".

She was a bit disconcerted to see the look of visceral hatred on Katie's face on hearing his voice, but she soldiered on.

"Look, Henry, I've got a bit of a problem. There has been a misunderstanding, the fact that I spent that time at your place last night has got back to my husband and ... it kind of looks a bit awkward, so I just need you to explain that it was completely innocent."

There was a pause at the other end. Julie suddenly began to feel a sense of unease. When Henry spoke again there was a slight change in his tone, one that for the first time in her dealings with him was no longer warm and friendly, but rather sounded a little cold and even mocking.

"Don't worry sweetheart, my lips are sealed. As they say, 'a gentleman never tells'. I will say whatever you want. After all we wouldn't want poor Jakey thinking that he had been cuckolded, would we?"

The words were physical in their impact. She felt as though without warning someone she trusted had pushed her out of tenth floor window. Without thinking, purely as reflex, Julie ended the call. The first thought that crossed her mind was that she was pretty sure she had never mentioned her husband's name to him. The full extent of her naiveite was beginning to dawn on her.

Katie said drily,

"You know, if you are going to try and do that sort of thing it would make sense to prepare the ground first and make sure he is going to back up your story."

Julie sat there. Dumbfounded. Then she spoke.

"I don't get it. All this craziness over a teenage dispute over a girl. What is going on?"

Katie gave her a look of such concentrated venom that Julie physically recoiled. Then Katie began to speak. In short sentences that she fired almost like bullets.

"A teenage dispute? His father killed our parents, Julie. Drunk driving. He got off with a short prison sentence. But it damaged his reputation. He had to stand down as the local MP. He could not cope with the disgrace. He killed himself."

Julie listened transfixed. It seemed as if each phrase, each sentence was intended as a slap across her face.

"Henry decided that we, the two surviving children, were responsible for his father's death. He wanted to drive Jake to suicide. Nearly succeeded. He paid Jake's first girlfriend to give up her virginity to Henry and he made sure everyone knew. He framed Jake for cheating in an exam and nearly got him expelled. He paid girls in school to say Jake had a tiny penis. When Jake found a girlfriend at a different school Henry discovered her parents were tenants on one of his family's properties. He threatened to have them evicted and got her to fuck him, filmed it and sent the video to Jake."

By this stage Julie's face had gone so pale as to be almost grey.

"But you know what, Julie? Jake somehow managed. As much as anything else he felt he needed to be strong for me. It was just the two of us against a very cruel world. But what nearly broke him was what they did to me. Some of Henry's cronies drugged my drinks at a party, then they took me into a backroom and they all fucked me. They raped me, Henry as well, and took pictures of it. There was nothing I could do. They were all willing to swear that I had consented."

At this point Julie began to feel like throwing up. Then Katie added, disdain evident in her voice,

"And you just made me listen to that bastard's voice."

Julie wanted to beg her to stop. It was too much.

"What they did to me nearly pushed Jake over the edge. Literally. He went to the bridge. You know the one. Over what they call the chasm. The one where they say that ancient pagans used to sacrifice people by throwing them in. He was going to jump. I got there and it took me two hours to persuade him not to. He was talking nonsense about making a sacrifice to the gods so as at least to allow me to live in peace. In the end I threatened that if he did then I would too, and to be honest I was pretty tempted anyway."

Katie gave her a defiant, contemptuous look and then added,

"So that is your 'teenage dispute'".

By this point Julie was numb. All she could say was,

"But why didn't he tell me?"

Katie gave a laugh devoid of all humour.

"I guess he wanted to put all that behind him. A fresh start. And he probably did not want to burden you with all that dark stuff. Which worked out well, didn't it?"

She got up without saying anything more and left with the suitcases.

Julie remained at the table, incapable of movement.

How could she have been so utterly stupid? And now there really did not seem to be any way out. Of course, she could blame Henry, and she now realised that he was someone who could truly be described as evil, but the fact was that she could have derailed his plans quite simply by being a good wife, by being honest with her husband and by treating him as he deserved and had always treated her.

And now no-one would believe her. Henry would delight in giving the impression that she had betrayed her husband, all the evidence backed it up, and how could she ever persuade Jake otherwise?

As the day wore on, Julie's thoughts began to dwell once more on the unfairness of what had happened. After all, she had not actually cheated on Jake. Aided by a couple of glasses of whisky, even though she hated the taste, she began to feel sorry for herself. She decided to talk to her mum. At least she would understand and would feel sympathy for her, and maybe she could even help as she got on so well with Jake. Perhaps he might listen to her.

She sent a quick message to say she was coming and got on the train for the short distance to the village where her mother lived. As she approached the family house she had grown up in, she felt a twinge of guilt. It was at least a month since her last visit, and as her father had died a couple of years back, still only in his fifties, her mother must have been rather lonely.

Her mum was as always happy to see her, but her first question was already a bit awkward.

"No Jake? I somehow assumed it would be the two of you."

It was true, Jake was always good like that, never objecting to spending time with his mother-in-law, even though sometimes their women's talk must have been a bit tedious for him.

Julie, looked down, struggling to meet her mother's eyes.

"No, it's kind of difficult. I need to talk to you about it."

With that she suddenly found herself crying, with her mother hugging her just like she had always done when Julie was a child. When she had finally calmed down, rinsed her face and settled at the kitchen table, where traditionally they had always had any serious discussions, and she had in front of her that ubiquitous English remedy for all crises big or small, a hot mug of tea, she haltingly told the story of what had happened.

Unusually, her mother did not just let her talk. She interrupted from time to time with probing questions. At times they seemed to be questions designed to make Julie feel worse, rather than offering the comfort she had been hoping for.

"Julie, how did you end up working for that slimeball?"

"I tried not to but then Mr Billson, the managing director, came and begged me, saying that only Urquhart-Drago might invest the money to stop the company from going bust, that he wanted to spend a week or two working in the company to see how things were for himself, and he had asked for me personally."

Now that she thought about it, Julie realised that there had been something apologetic in the way Billson had spoken to her, as well as a slightly shifty unwillingness to look her in the eye. At the time she had only thought that this might finally lead to the promotion that was always being promised but which never materialised.

"So, why didn't you go home and tell Jake that you had been assigned to that scumbag?"

Ugh. Julie squirmed a little in her seat.

"Well, I knew that Jake seemed to be a bit irrational about him so I just thought it would be better if he didn't know."

Her mum would not leave it alone.

"Better for Jake or for you, Julie?"

She could not come up with a good answer to that, and her mum moved on.

"Tell me, how did you end up wearing fancy lingerie 'for drinks with work colleagues'? The sort of thing that you had to buy specially, I guess, if you don't even wear it for Jake."

Oddly, for a moment Julie realised that her gentle loving mother would have made a formidable prosecutor.

"It was Carol. She dragged me out shopping and said how we should make one last little effort to keep him Urquhart-Drago sweet; that we could appeal to his male vanity by dressing extra sexy for him."

It was strange how only now, looking at things in the rear-view mirror, and from the perspective of another, that she began to put a very different interpretation on events. Of course, her mother unerringly put her finger on the weak spots in her story.

"And this Carol, she's a close friend of yours, then?"

Julie just shook her head this time. The truth was that up until the past week, Carol had hardly given her the time of day, giving Julie the impression that she looked down on her.

"And you didn't think it strange that all these people suddenly couldn't make it on that evening, after everyone had said how important it was?"

At this stage Julie wanted to ask her mother to take mercy on her. All she could do for the moment was bow her head.

There was a long silence. Not the occasional companionable silence she had shared with her mother in that room, but one that made her feel even more uncomfortable with every moment.

Then her mother began again.

"So, it was Henry's confidence that appealed to you. I guess you compared them, and you think Jake is not so confident?"

Again, it sounded so horrible the way her mum put it, but she tried.

"I guess that was part of it but ..."

This time her mother did not even let her finish.

"Would you say Jake lacks confidence in his musical abilities? Does it seem that way when he plays for you?"

Julie was a bit puzzled at this turn in things.

"Well, he has his studio at his sister's house, so he usually goes there to practice and record, and he doesn't really play in front of me."

Her mother looked shocked. Without saying anything she got awkwardly to her feet, still troubled by the hip that had been operated on a few months earlier, and went and got a magazine from the sideboard. She returned to the table and put it down in front of Julie, open at a two-page spread headed 'The Ten Best Rock and Jazz Guitarists in the UK', and pointed to the prominent picture of her husband.

"So, you are married to one the best guitarists in the country and you never even bother to listen to him play?"

Julie tried her best, but it sounded a bit weak, even in her own ears.

"Well, I would if he wanted me to, but he never asked."

She was shocked when her mum, her loving, always kind to a fault, mum, cruelly mimicked her.

"He never asked".

Her mum looked sharply at her.

"Christ, Julie, what did you expect him to say? 'Please listen to me play'."

She wanted to say she was being unfair, but she could not come up with any reason to back that up.

Without pausing her mother continued.

"So, I guess you are not talking about his confidence as a musician, I mean he seems to be managing OK in that respect, although no thanks to you."

The last bit hit home and again Julie wanted to protest at the brutality of it.

"No, I didn't mean that kind of confidence, I meant ..."

Again, her mum cut her off.

"Oh, so maybe you mean his confidence as a cook? Only, you know what? Every time I've been invited for a meal at your place, he does the cooking, and I am always impressed. And I might be wrong, but I suspect that the oh-so-confident Henry Urquhart-Drago would not even know how to boil an egg."

Julie began to feel frustrated, that instead of the sympathy and understanding she needed, her mother was being deliberately obtuse.

"No, I kind of mean confidence with women. Jake is not always so confident with women, and I guess Henry just came across as very different in that way."

Her mum paused again, giving her another disapproving look, and then went on.

"I don't get this 'women' bit. The only woman we are talking about is you. So, answer this for me, my child: After a year of being married to you do you think Jake is more confident with you or less?"

Julie could not come up with an answer. She wanted to say that his confidence had nothing to do with her and at the same time was beginning to realise that this might not be true.

He mother saved her the trouble of answering.

"Do you make an effort to dress sexy for him? Do you take the lead in the bedroom sometimes? Do you tell him how much you want him? Do you tell him how much you desire him?"

This time her mum waited for her to answer, but she struggled to find one.

"I guess your silence answers that. So, a different question for you: How do you think Jake's confidence stands today, after what you did this last week? How do you think he feels, having shown the strength to get over what happened when he was younger, only to have his wife ... his wife, Julie ... betray him with the same scumbag?"

Julie sat, eyes cast down, unable to speak but wanting to beg for mercy, to say 'enough!'. Her mother was not finished, though.

"You know, I remember how a few months ago Jake popped in to help me put together the new desk I got myself from IKEA."

Julie looked up at that, again surprised.

"Jake never mentioned that to me, mum." She sounded almost offended.

Her mother raised an eyebrow and continued.

"I wonder why? Anyhow while he was here, he took a phone call, and it was from Sting. I guess you've heard of him?"

Julie was beginning to feel almost punch drunk at this stage and could not even respond to the dry sarcasm in the question.

"He was asking Jake to go with him on his upcoming European tour. And Jake did not even hesitate before telling him that he was not available as he had recently got married."

All Julie could do was respond plaintively.

"Jake never mentioned anything about it."

Her mother shook her head.

"Of course he didn't. You see that is also part of making a relationship work."

Julie was lost once more.

"I don't understand."

The response was withering.

"No, that's obvious. I'm sure Jake would have loved to go on tour with Sting, a once in a lifetime opportunity, but he turned it down because he was committed to his marriage. He happily made that sacrifice, and he loved you enough not to make it your decision."

There was a silence while Julie tried to get her head round all this.

"And what have you been willing to sacrifice for your marriage, Julie? What have you been willing to sacrifice for Jake?"

The tea in front of Julie had not been drunk and now it was cold. Nothing more was said, and her mother simply got up and left the room.

After a little while Julie got up, put her coat on and left. There did not seem to be anything else for her to do and the thought of staying any longer in her childhood home, now suddenly cold and cheerless, was unbearable.

On the train back she tried to think of some way forward, but her mother's words kept echoing in her mind: 'What have you been willing to sacrifice for Jake?' She still could not come up with an answer.

Back at their flat, their silent empty flat, she went straight to their bedroom and laid back on the bed, still dressed for outdoors, still even wearing her shoes.

A framed photo caught her eye. It was one Julie had taken when she was still a keen amateur photographer. She had even won several competitions. She had stopped for some stupid reason that she no longer remembered.

The photo showed Jake from early in their relationship, from before they had married, with him looking thoughtful and vulnerable. At one time she had looked at it almost every day, kissing it as though it were some kind of lucky charm, unable to believe that this wonderful talented man wanted her. When was the last time she had even noticed it?

Now she studied it anew.

Julie sat there and began to fantasise about a future in which she somehow managed to win Jake back. In that future she would never again take him for granted. She would ask him to play for her and become his biggest fan, and even encourage him to go on tour.

She would appreciate his quiet strength, his capacity to endure the unendurable and still be able to love, and she would reward him for being him in every way she could. She would wake him with a blowjob every morning. She would make herself get out of bed at ungodly o'clock and bring him coffee, she would never wear anything but sexy lingerie for him, including stockings if he wanted, even on the warmest days, and would never refuse him sex, no matter how inconvenient.

But she knew this was just a dream of a future that could never happen, because she had destroyed it.