The Chronicles: Notomol Ch. 14

They were all looking at me. I didn't feel that I was being judged. They were just letting me express what was on my mind.

"That's... that's all I have to say. You're all free folk. You can decide for yourselves. I just wanted you to know... that I'll be leaving. It has been... a tremendous honour to fight beside you. To lead you. Anyone who wants to travel with me will be most welcome."

Giedra came forward, then, to wrap her arms around me.

- "I love you, Guen." she whispered, as she squeezed me tight.

That led to more hugging, as Rion and Eliv came up to do the same. Then it seemed as if everyone had to hug me. All of the Uplanders, and most of the female fighters - Liesma lifted me off my feet as she embraced me, and Tota squeezed all of the air out of my lungs.

There was more talking to come, though. Giedra spoke next.

- "You all know how much I love this woman. Many of you know how much I love her father. If he hadn't been already married when I met him, I'd never have left the Uplands!"

She got the laugh she'd expected.

"I understand Guenna's reasoning. I share most of it. But... for my part, I still have work to do. I haven't earned a name yet. That's why I left the Uplands in the first place. And some of you may have heard that I've found a found myself a man. He may not be much to look at, but let's just say that I'm happy with his skills."

There was more laughter.

"We should all be thinking, though - like Guenna's done. Are you happy here? Why are you here? I would ask all of you to think about this. I don't believe that Guenna is the only one who would be better off back in the Uplands."

She turned to me.

"Will you wait a few days? There may be more than a few that want to travel with you."

It was a wise suggestion.

In the meantime, I was wrestling with a dilemma. I wanted to explain my decision to Notomol before he heard it from someone else. I owed him at least that much.

First, though, I had to find him. He'd been talking to Nelime and Orsho, but they told me that he'd gone into town. I thought it wiser not to go in there if I didn't have to. I could just wait for him to return to camp.

Someone must have told him that I was looking for him. He sent a message to let me know that he would be in town all day, but that he would come to find me in the evening.

I ate with the Uplanders, but I quickly got the feeling that they wanted to talk amongst themselves about what Giedra and I had said that morning. They had decisions of their own to make, but they didn't want to offend me by talking openly in front of me.

I decided to take a walk around the castle. Berilde got up to come with me.

- "You don't have to, Berilde. I know that you have some thinking to do, too. I'll be fine. I'll stay in sight of our pickets and the scouts."

- "I'm not leaving you alone." she said. "Besides, I've done my thinking."

- "Have you?"

- "Yes. There's really nothing much waiting for me back in Nareven. Sarine had some family, but they won't be thrilled to see me come home without her. I know that I probably won't earn a name, like Giedra, but somehow I feel that my future is still out here. Does that make sense?"

- "Yes, it does." It sounded very much like what I thought when I left Nareven.

We walked along in companionable silence. As was their habit, the soldiers in the castle had lit torches up on the wall. We could see their sentinels on the ramparts.

When I first saw the castle, I had occupied myself with trying to work out how to attack it. Even at night, though, it would be near impossible to climb those walls undetected. Unless there was someone inside who was prepared to open the gate for us, the only option was to sit outside until they ran out of food, or lost hope altogether.

The moon was full and bright, but there were large dark purple clouds passing before it. For several minutes Berilde and I could see everything - just as I'm sure that the Izumyrians could see us. Then the clouds would cover the moon, and the night grew dark again.

Berilde saw Notomol and his bodyguard Marmos approaching. She went to join Marmos, knowing that I had things to say to Notomol.

He looked... almost happy.

- "You were right." he said.

- "I was?"

- "I saw the Ban of Stonje. He agreed to confirm Nelime as Hospodar, and to allow her to marry Orsho."

- "That's wonderful!" I said. But then I saw his face more clearly; he was smiling, but the smile didn't quite reach his eyes. "Oh... no. What did you have to give up?"

- "Not much. Merely a promise that I wouldn't return to Stonje."

- "You didn't!"

- "It was no great hardship, Guenna. I couldn't picture myself returning there in any case. There's virtually nothing left of our home. There's not much left of the whole province, really. Besides, if I did try to live there again, you can guess what would happen: every malcontent, everyone with a grievance against the Ban... they'd all be coming to see me, trying to enlist my support, or dropping by just to make the Ban worry. I'd hate it. Plus, at some point, he would begin to suspect me - and to think about having me eliminated. That is, if he hasn't already."

- "I understand." I said. "But that means that Senderra can't go home, either. Or Evane."

- "They weren't planning to, anyway. We'd prefer not to be separated again. But I wanted to thank you. You had the right idea about the Ban. We were able to use that in Nelime's favour."

- "I'm glad."

The clouds parted then, and the fields were flooded with light as the full moon was revealed again. It was quite a sight. We both enjoyed it in silence for a few moments.

He knew that I had something to say - that I'd been looking for him all day. But he was prepared to wait until I was ready to tell him.

- "I... I came to a decision yesterday. Actually, it's something I've been thinking about for most of the past year. I..."

- "You're going home." he said.

- "You knew?"

- "It's hard to keep secrets in this army. Perhaps that's true of all armies."

- "I'm sorry, Notomol. I didn't want to let you down."

- "You haven't. It's a very sensible decision."

I didn't know how to respond to that.

"I understand that you also left it up to individual Uplanders to choose for themselves. Also very sensible. You're very wise, Guenna."

We fell silent again, just as a massive purple cloud sailed in front of the moon, partially covering it. But there were still brilliant rays of light spilling through, just beneath the cloud.

It struck me as odd. He really didn't seem angry at me - or disappointed. It was almost as if he approved of my choice.

"I've..." he started to say something, and then stopped.

I gave him a moment. I didn't know whether he was hesitating, or simply gathering his thoughts. It occurred to me, then, that Notomol didn't have to do that very often. He generally knew what he was going to say - or he simply said nothing at all.

This was hesitation, then. He wasn't sure about telling me something. That was entirely up to him, then. I wasn't going press him. He looked up at the moon.

"I'm leaving the army, too." he said.

For the briefest of moments, I wasn't sure that I trusted my ears.

- "Did you say...?"

- "Yes. I'm leaving. You're only the third person I've told."

He didn't have to say that he was trusting me with a secret. He had to have told his sister, as well. I was... flattered, I suppose, to be included. Shocked, but flattered.

"I've probably been thinking about it as long as you have." he said.

- "You haven't been happy." I said. "With the command. Not since Prosquetel and the Duchess arrived. Since we arrived."

- "I wouldn't include you and Giedra with them. Nor Berilde or Liesma, or Paksyalta. And quite a few more of your folk. I've learned a great deal about Uplanders."

- "But...?"

He nodded, slowly, several times. "You're right. I don't mean to suggest that I was 'happy' before you arrived. We lost many friends, fighting the Izumyrians. We saw some awful things. But... it was simpler, somehow. We thought that we knew what we were doing. We only had short-term objectives. Reduce this steading. Ambush them here."

- "Drive them out of Stonje?"

- "I suppose that that was our long-term goal. Really, though, we thought we were doing well if we could kill a few of the enemy without losing any of our own. Hurt them. Make them regret having come to Hvad in the first place."

He took a deep breath.

"But then something changed. I don't know if it was the arrival of the mercenaries, or maybe the cumulative effect of dealing with a succession of Izumyrian prisoners. There wasn't... there wasn't all that much difference between them... and me."

I couldn't believe that he'd just said that. "There's no comparison!" I said - a little too loud. I looked around, to see how close Berilde and Marmos were. They were looking right at me. They'd definitely heard me.

- "I know what you mean, Guenna. I'm no rapist. Nor would I murder a farmer and his family so that I could plunder their house, or eat their food. But I joined the Guardsmen because I was told to. I didn't want to, but I went. And if I'd been ordered to cross the river and kill Izumyrian soldiers... I might have thought it was foolish. But I probably would have done it."

- "That's not the same." I said.

- "These enemy soldiers are doing what they've been told. I don't mean the murderers and the rapists. Those things are... overlooked, somehow, in war. Or treated as if there were extenuating circumstances. But the Izumyrians aren't all like that, Guenna. I don't believe that."

- "I'm not sure about that." I said. From what I'd seen in the Uplands, I'm not so certain that they would have shown us any mercy. But what if Uplanders were invading Izumyr? There would be rape and murder a-plenty, and tons of looting.

- "I meant that we're similar when it comes to the lack of choice. The rank and file, that is. It's quite another thing for the leaders. I would love to get my hands on this Northern Duke of theirs. I think that I might even hand him over to Cinna."

- "What about Meldoi? His son."

- "You've seen him. A fool. And a pawn of his father's. Not even worth a ransom. How much choice did he have about coming to Hvad?"

That was food for thought. I wished that I could have had this conversation before I'd left Nareven. Of course, I would have to have met Notomol much sooner...

"I've come to believe that this whole war is just a squabble between nobles - theirs, and ours. They're fighting over who will get to exploit this land and its people. Regardless of who wins, we'll always lose."

I wasn't sure how to answer that. I suspected that he might be wrong. "What about Dusova?"

- "Yes." he said. "The process can be... difficult. The change in ownership can be painful. But again - it's not the nobles who pay the price."

- "I thought that many nobles died at the battle with Duke Richwin."

- "True. Three Bans died there. And one was captured. But he's still alive, Guenna. And the dead men's heirs, too. If they made their peace with the invaders, they could live in peace on their lands, and possibly even retain their titles."

- "Like the Ban of Stonje."

- "For one, yes."

We fell silent again, watching the massive purple clouds slide apart, revealing the full moon in all its glory. My thoughts were a-whirl, though. Notomol had been thinking. It was different for us, of course - for Uplanders. We had to beware of our neighbours. The Hvadi had to worry more about their overlords.

But I found it hard to believe that a Hvadi nobleman could have perpetrated something like Dusova, or some of the atrocities in Stonje. I said so to him.

- "You're descended from Payl." he said. "You must know the history of Borna."

- "I do."

- "Then you know that he was a second son. We would never have heard of him - Payl would never have met Ljudevit - unless the Ban of Yeseriya and one of his Hospodars hadn't decided to eliminate a possible rival. Borna's father. They treacherously murdered a Hospodar and his escort, and cut their heads off. Only two men escaped with Borna - Ljudevit was one of them."

- "How do you know so much?"

- "I heard it once, and never forgot it." he said. "It might be because of my father. I have... a well-earned distrust of authority. The details are all in the guslar's songs. Borna fought Hvadi Bans and Hospodars to become Duke. Yes, they were killing and raping his people, but it was nobles against nobles all over again."

- "Wait." I said. "I do not recall any mention of rape in the songs. Where did you get that?"

- "It was war, Guenna. How can you have a war, and no rape?" Once again, Notomol had turned. He wasn't looking directly at me as he said that. Instead, he was gazing up at the moon. "Ask yourself: why did Borna have so many female fighters on his side?"

I'd never even considered it. But that made sense. Why were there no famous female fighters opposing Borna? Women flocked to his banner to fight against their rapists. Were they like Rion and Eliv? Then I recalled some of Payl's closest friends. Meeli DeadEyes, who wore a necklace of foreskins. Iriya the archer, who'd killed most of her own family.

"Ask Kolasovets about his grandmother." said Notomol. "Borna and Ljudevit rescued her from the Hospodar's steading where she was raped and abused."

I felt like such a fool. These stories were part of my family's history. I'd seen my own mother raped and murdered. My cousin... well, I didn't want to remember him at all.

- "You have been thinking." I said.

Notomol nodded again. "For a brief while, I amused myself imagining what honours the Ban of Stonje might offer me for 'saving' his province. Or perhaps a new Duke would make me a Hospodar. Who knows? Maybe even a Ban."

- "You would have refused."

- "To be a Hospodar? Yes. But a Ban? Don't be too sure. I considered it."

- "Then you met Lady Temara. And Prosequetel."

- "Mmm. And what an eye-opener that has been."

- "I wasn't so smart." I said. "I kept expecting the Duchess to wake up one morning and be grateful for what my father had done for her."

- "You challenged the might of Izumyr, in order to protect her."

- "You make it sound very noble. We didn't know what that meant at the time."

Notomol smiled, then. He reached out and touched my arm.

- "Don't you dare diminish that decision. It was magnificent. You knew that there were a hundred Izumyrian horsemen pursuing a pregnant woman - and you had less than twenty fighters to call upon. That deserves to be remembered. Celebrated, even, in song."

I felt my eyes moisten as I recalled those days. They'd been terrifying, nerve-wracking... and yes, as he said, worthy of praise. Worthy of a song. I'd always seen my father as a hero, and my sister Yevna as a champion.

Now I was standing next to another champion, a man of proven courage and unmatched strategic acumen. I would be proud to tell people that I'd fought beside him, never mind that he consulted with me, and had taken my advice.

I knew from experience how difficult it was to make these weighty decisions, to bear the burden of responsibility. I'd been in charge of a hundred, while he'd commanded a thousand, but the principle was the same.

- "Thank you." I said. "I know that you understand. I think that there might be a song or two about you, some day. 'Wind and Water' is excellent, but... there's room for more."

- "Thank you." he said.

We both pretended to watch the heavy clouds scudding across the face of the moon. It grew darker all around us.

- "You don't want to fight for the command?" I asked.

- "It's not about that any more." he said. "I could. But I might not survive the final battle against the Izumyrians. If I led there, and won, what could Prosequetel and the Bans do with me, except have me killed? A dead hero is much easier to deal with than a live embarrassment. They would fear me - that I might seize power. It's precisely what they would do, given the opportunity."

He was right. They wouldn't reward him. They'd bury him. Of course, if he lost, they'd pin all of the blame on him. Win or lose, he was doomed.

- "You're right." I said. The boatmen would do it. Or perhaps someone eager for advancement.

- "Hard to go into battle like that, looking over my shoulder all of the time."

- "It's not fair."

- "No. But I suspect that if I cede the command and sneak away before they've had time to think about it, they might actually let me go."

This was mind-boggling. He'd been thinking of the future, too, but to much greater effect.

- "You and Senderra?"

- "And a few others, I think. I haven't confided in very many people yet."

Just three - and me one of them. He trusted me. That was something.

- "Where will you go?"

- "I've talked to Senderra about it... but we're not quite sure, yet. That's one reason why I wanted to talk to you."

- "You could come to the Uplands." I said.

Don't ask me how that came out. Yes, I'd been infatuated with Notomol for months, but I'd never expected to be in a position to have him come home with me.

"Nareven is very spacious. And my father is no Lord. You could hunt, or farm..."

- "Are you serious, Guenna?" he said.

- "Of course. You would be welcome." Especially by me, I thought (but I didn't say that either).

He took a good, long look at me.

- "It's... it's an interesting possibility. Even if it was only for a short while."

I looked up at him. He'd considered it. Even as only a possibility, as he put it. Notomol had thought about taking refuge in the Uplands. However temporarily - he had given the matter thought. Had he thought of me?

Damn my inexperience. I'd only been with Gerimir, and it had taken me too long to realize that his loyalty to the Duchess superseded any concern for me. Was Notomol interested only in the Uplands? How did he feel about this particular Uplander?

- "It could be for... as long as you want." I said. The moment I said it, I felt silly. "I'm sorry. I'm not very good at... this. Whatever this is."

- "Nor am I." he said. "I've only ever been with one woman - and I'm still not sure how that happened."

- "Nelime loved you. She still does. I was with Gerimir, until I learned that he loved his Duchess and his ideals more than me. I've often wished..." I stopped myself. I'd been about to say that I wished that I'd met him first.

But then I would never have become who I was. Would I have swooned, and let him make all of the tactical or strategic decisions? I would have admired him, and longed for him, and he would have fallen in love with Tanguiste or Yevna.

"You would really consider... coming to the Uplands?"

- "It seems like a reasonable course of action." he said. "It would be better if we kept this a secret - and yet there are quite a few people we have to tell."

He was right, again. This couldn't be kept from our friends.

***

I had to tell Giedra. And Berilde. And if I shared the secret with Giedra, then I might as well tell Rion and Eliv at the same time.

They were stunned.

- "To Nareven? He's going to the Uplands?"

Giedra was trying to whisper, but she was almost incapable of lowering her voice. I shushed her, and waved my hands. Rion took the more direct route, and elbowed her friend in the side.

"Hey!"

- "Why don't you tell the whole town?' said Rion.

- "It has to be kept a secret." I insisted.

- "Aren't you going to tell our people?"

- "I have an idea for how to do that - but for now, no. I don't know what Prosequetel and the Bans might do, if they knew he was leaving. Nor do we want Velik and his boatmen to find out."