All Comments on 'The Chronicles of Hvad Ch. 05'

...have to get you a more thorough comment later tomorrow, but I enjoyed the read. Great planning on using the slick slope, many "haha" moments and quite the pitched/heated battle. 5 from me, and it was obvious you spared no detail. Surprise to discover Elo dead, though.

At first I thought they might try to create a slope closer to the steading. And as you described the delay in fighting, I could picture them wetting the slope with buckets of water gently poured from the top.

In the fight, pushing warriors down the slope makes sense, especially at first. You don't want them to be able to create steps up the slope with corpses. And for every body that slides down, it smooths out the mud and leaves again. Gotta leave slippery hands for holding weapons too.

What a ripping yarn!!! Great story and characters!!!! 6

...to match such a well-spun story!

"And the tale will spread - people will hear of Borna's mercy, and his generosity." That’s perfect for spreading Borna’s fame--and again--the mark of a great ruler in this time period (uncommon). They way he holds the people together during that 11-day wait to surprise Vazrig is 100% genuine “exceptional” leader--especially the blitzkrieg attack to liberate their steading! For sure when they opened the gate, it was no-holds barred! You certainly chronicle the surprise with appropriate pacing, even through your level of detail so we can feel the headlong rush. Had Khoren not been such a brute, he might have said to the man he ran through with his sword to “stick around!!” To see Borna’s very calm and deliberate demeanor to outsmart the man holding his mom only adds to his legend--especially with the classic misdirection. He even gets to the point in his conversations and stands by his decisions. Admirable.

“Nanaidh showed her worth immediately. She reprimanded anyone who complained…. But no one could argue with Nanaidh.” Well-conceived way to replace/fill the upcoming void created by Abirad (love how you used him--twice--which was totally unpredictable; even Ljudevit summoned forth the brilliant idea). What’s better is how she doesn’t excuse the justifications they made to not help Borna--so she assumed responsibility. Love her already! I’m about as enamored with you adding Siret (redhead) and Durra.

I enjoy your choice of words at key places. It must have hacked them off to have to carve out shelters from the hillside! I suppose while they were at it, they kept a log of how they cut the forest down to size also! I imagine too that when Borna finishes training him, he SHANT make a mistake.

Cute little kiss from Kanni to Ljudevit, although it baffles me why Noyemi doesn’t seem more grateful, after him executing justice for her sister and trying to free her as well.

I’ve got to “hand” it to you with how Ljudevit addressed his title and responsibilities, and how you used Lovro for comic relief to crown Ljudevit “A***hole.” ROFL But how do we top “Borna’s Butt” and your Slippery Slope??? Egad, man!! LOL Vazrig got humped? *ROFL, holding sides*

I must express confusion as to why they maintained their position so long, on that treacherous elevation, as they didn’t shift warriors to account for those few making it up; it makes sense they couldn’t be perfectly organized, nor that they could predict whom would reach the top...but it seems something is unaccounted for here. What you account for well is the melee, pitched battle, with your syntax matching the scrambling/fighting. That’s usually a difficult thing for some authors to pull off.

As for those dying, Fimi is a surprise, as we barely knew her. The huge shock is Elo’s death, which will give our vaunted leader even more to overcome (aside from the foot wound, which I couldn’t tell how bad it was). I must say that you do not shy away from placing appropriate adversity upon our heroes so that they have to grow and mature as personalities, so that the story evolves with them. Thanks for staying true to such critical realities, as it only bolsters your tale. A hands-down 5!

fantastic story! AspernEssling - i really would like to know - where did You get those names for characters or what was Your inspiration ? The setting of the story is in my mind kind of Slavic mixed with Viking culture but the real interest for me are the names - Siret, Berit, Priit, Elo -those are common names in Estonia -so is there any connection to Estonia or those names just randomly popped - up in Your head :) ?

how did borna's mother die?!

Thoroughly enjoying this story...

To answer Lugeja: I've read hundreds of fantasy stories. From Tolkien on, there is a huge bias towards using 'western' names. Tolkien's Free Peoples have Saxon & Scandinavian-influenced names. I wanted Hvad to 'feel' a bit different, so I mined Estonian, Latvian and Lithuanian names - plus some old Croatian and Slovene names. There are even a few Mordvins. I think that it works. Hope you do, too.

This story goes from strength to strength 5*