All Comments on 'The Chronicles of Hvad Ch. 10'

Before I start this, I want to say awesome job as always.

Keptel sounds Turkic, Barsam is Persian, and Anfoy is...I don't know. I have zero idea who they could be, especially considering the Izumyrians have a duke, something that corresponds to exactly 0 Turkic, or Persian cultures, unless of course Duke is the translation. But still, zero idea. But if Anfoy is the average Izumyrian, then I am pretty sure I can get rid of Turkic as their ancestry.

The making of a great novel.

Fantastic tale!

“We ignored the locals, who scampered to hide their food or livestock when they saw us coming. But when they didn't see us coming, we ate well.”

I suppose I shouldn’t laugh so hard, but it struck me as hilarious.

“The woman wasn't Durra at all. It was Siret.”

Ok...what are you trying to pull? I didn’t see this coming and it was a very awkward moment for Ljudevit and Borna’s relationship. That could be a major stumbling block down the road, unless you play it like the rest, where no one has exactly been committed until they marry. I’m glad you explained Ljudevit’s reflections later on the subject, which covers the reasons for this story.

“It's the day the miners get paid. In salt, of course.” Great historical reference to reinforce the tradition of paying them in salt, like the Roman soldiers were paid, as it used to be more valued than gold.

Keptel is also a very curious addition, and him agreeing that the military engineer is an “a**hole” is just too perfect. I hope you keep him around, at least as a fighter. The fact you introduced him at all is a surprise--especially with how much of his backstory you share with us immediately.

“They had set fire to hayricks - and the occasional barn - in northern Yelsa.”

That was indeed masterful planning to create the perfect diversion. You hid it well and made us wait for the reveal. Well done!

- "You've done it, Mutimir!" said Borna. "You've won a new name: LongRider!"

Witty! Way to create common ground with them and the Uplanders by this unique solution. :)

“Thankfully, Leho of Adarion was no savage, like Manahir's grandsons. But he would have to be completely crushed before Borna could rule as Ban in Yeseriya.”

Perfect foreshadowing--and I know you won’t waste it. I’m looking forward to seeing how you play it out.

“But thanks to their lifestyle, guslars also bring news of the rest of the world. They pick up snippets of information, old and new, and spread them all over Hvad.”

Exactly matching the medieval history. I was missing Imants!

"This is Payl, the Shining One." I said, by way of introduction. "She's a warrior from the Uplands, leader of a band of women, and -"

- "And his woman." she interrupted.

Payl looked thoughtful. "So I need one of these guslars?"

ROFL! I LOVE PAYL! She asserts herself AND she gets wittier as time passes! :)

Great touch on having Noyemi include Payl and the Uplander women in her song. Payl almost cried and then hugged Noyemi? Most unexpected, yet very welcome. :)

I think that stabbed ALL the Uplanders through the hearts. If ALL of them don’t come to join Borna now...I’ll be surprised.

Payl: - "But if you lie with her I'll still beat you senseless." LOVE IT! ROFL! And what a great touch for her to give that ring she had to Noyemi. I don’t know what’s a bigger bond.

For Payl to say goodbye to Ljudevit as she did, with the tender kiss and the sweet whisper that she would miss him? That’s golden.

“The heroes didn't perform superhuman feats, nor did they receive magical assistance from the Otherworld.”

This is especially critical to the success for your story--it looks and feels authentic--because if they had a mage that called down “Divine Intervention” for 1500 hit points of damage all the time, readers would soon tire of it and think it too far-fetched.

Her bright eyes were fixed on me. "Yet I would probably have been happy enough, if you had forced me to marry you."

I was first confused when I read this, but I now realize it may be your way of turning the tables on Ljudevit, to help him see he could capture the love of more than one woman and not realize it...although that would still be distinct from what Borna’s doing.

Don't know how you managed to get this thing submitted and in/out of moderation so fast, as I checked 2x/day to see and I never got the "in moderation" message. You outdid yourself on this one: not only is it a 5, but it was a 2-popcorn-bag sitting chased down with 2 Stevia Ginger Root Beers!

Really appreciate Sir

Man, Borna's tryst with Siret is worrying stuff! There's plenty of stories where the hero falls at the peak of his triumph at the hands of a scorned lover or wronged subject, and Ludjevit's reaction certainly seems to foreshadow a tragic end to this tale along those lines. I hardly think that Dirayr is gonna be the end of Borna, but unless he starts to rethink that kind of action, it might spell trouble in the future, and the fact that he doesn't heed Ludjevit's warning at all kind of says to me that he's probably not gonna listen to anyone else either. Maybe his victories are going to his head? Will be interesting to see how he develops going forward, especially if his luck continues to hold. Excellent chapter as always. Looking forward to more. :)

Ch 11 is in moderation! Maybe we'll read about the Uplanders returning because it's spring in that installment? Can't wait for Payl!

EPIC !

Borna and Siret has definite notes of King David and Bathsheba. Really shitty thing to do. And Ljudevit was a moral coward for failing to call him on it.

What was Borna going to do? Dismiss him? Kill him? Bullshit. He was a coward, and Dirayr is going to be shattered. And Borna was a selfish bastard who betrayed a loyal friend and brother. Like King David.

Obviously Siret was equally faithless, but she's not the head or chief of their...tribe. And she wasn't married to Dirayr. But Borna knew Dirayr's love for Siret, knew he could have any woman he wanted, where Dirayr certainly couldn't, and he took Siret anyway, because he had no empathy for Dirayr. Perfect characters can be boring, and I get why you did it, and obviously I'm still hooked on the story, but I always did really loathe the story of David and Bathsheba. So shameful, so vile. I'll never see Borna the same way again. Probably Ljudevit won't either. And I suspect he'll regret his failure to the end of his days... unless something happens to fix things.

God I am starting to hate Borna more and more. I hope Ljudevit starts to see his friend for who he is.

- "Of course I will. I'll have to ask someone to beat me with a stick, and throw stones at my head, so that I don't grow soft while you're away."

----------

I kind of missed that witty retort, although I hit around it in my review.

***

What I REALLY MISSED is that effectively Payl is a TUDINO from Westrons on steroids--as Tudino was always hitting Cook in the arm or slapping him on the shoulder hard enough to dislocate it; of course, Payl is Tudino's human form, with full confidence in her sexual allure.

***

Another thing is you basically SPLIT Cook into Borna and Ljudevit here. Boy...aren't I slow for it to need 4 years to hit me?!??