The Circle of Life

"Hi Allie, sorry for calling you at work but I couldn't figure out another way. I have been thinking of you a lot since last night. I really want to see you. Can we maybe meet up sometime? Please."

"I don't know if that will be possible Mark. I am working 14 hour shifts for the rest of the week, Friday night I have our formal graduation dinner, and on Saturday I leave the UK.

Please you must be free sometime... I have really missed you Allie."

I sighed. I didn't really want to meetup with him, but I realised I had never had proper closure with him and fully moved on.

"Mark, the only opportunity I have to meet is on Friday evening before the dinner. I am meeting my colleagues for a drink before we go to the dinner venue. I can meet you there for about an hour."

"OK"

"I have to go back to work now. I will see you at the Rose and Crown pub opposite the hospital main entrance at 6 pm."

"See you then Allie."

Friday came quickly. It was a formal black tie dinner and I was 'dressed to the nines' in a stunning sexy black dress I had bought in London for the occasion.

I had explained the situation to Karl. He was also going to drinks but I asked him to stay in the background so I could achieve the closure I needed. He understood. In any case I wanted to maintain my privacy from Mark and he didn't need to know about Karl.

I still wasn't sure what I would say to Mark when he walked into the Pub. I was so full of emotion I could hardly think. I saw him come in and the sight of him tore at my heart strings again. Why the fuck did he still make me feel like this.

He spotted me at the table I had reserved and came over.

He looked at me in my finery with jaw dropping, "Allie you look absolutely stunning."

"Well last time you just saw me wearing scrubs."

"It is so good to see you Allie,"

I had strategically kept the table between us so he could only lean right over for a hug at a distance and kiss on the cheek which I offered him.

We sat down. "Here Mark, I bought you glass of chardonnay which used to be your favourite, hope you still drink it." He nodded and took a big gulp.

"It was astounding to run into you by chance the other night, you looked, well, so professional."

"Well I hope so, I graduated 12 months ago now and have been doctoring ever since. Anyway, how is life in London and your job going here? You have seemed to have settled in for a long stay."

After some safe catch up banter he said, "Why didn't you get in touch with me when you got here?"

"Well you have your own life here now and I didn't want to intrude. No one needs their ex. hanging around and cramping their style. Bye the way, Jill seems nice." The elephant was now on the table.

"Ummm...yea, well it just kinda happened Allie. It wasn't meant to. I guess I was lonely."

"Things going OK?"

"Yea, OK I guess"

"That's good, maybe that ring you bought in Sydney will get a use." I smiled as I said it but he didn't look like he shared my little attempt at humour.

"What about you Allie? Met anyone?" I didn't get to answer the question as Jill herself walked over to our table.

"Hi Allie, I decided to come meet you too. I have heard so much about you and I wanted to meet in better circumstances than last time." She then gave Mark a passionate kiss and hug to firmly claim her territory.

Mark looked decidedly uncomfortable. Her visit to the pub obviously wasn't planned, by him anyway.

"How about you get me a gin and tonic darling while I get to know Allie."

I couldn't supress a little grin as he walked to the bar looking pissed.

Jill and I made small talk until he returned with her drink.

I said, "here's cheers to catching up with old and new friends."

Funnily enough I relaxed a bit with Jill there. Mark wasn't able to continue with his intended highly personal conversation agenda. For the next hour I mostly regaled Jill with embarrassing stories from Mark's past, much to his discomfort. She was very amused though. I noticed she deliberately held his arm most of the time making it clear who owned who.

I soon came to the conclusion she was a fairly shallow individual and couldn't figure what Mark really saw in her...oh well his choice. Still he gave me up for her!

Then my gorgeous Karl walked over to the table, "we are all headed to dinner now Allie,"

"OK thanks Karl. Please ask them to wait for me outside, I will be out in a few minutes."

"Who was that Allie?"

"Another one of the interns at the hospital Mark."

I stood and we said our goodbyes. I just shook both their hands. Mark wished me a safe trip back to Australia. As I turned to go Mark looked very sad.

Maybe I didn't have full closure yet, but hopefully by confronting him and his new girlfriend I was on the way.

Chapter 3 - Life Changes Again

Up to now, all my Christmases had been in the southern hemisphere which meant summer, sun, and surf. Stockholm was a big contrast, deep snow, freezing temperatures and dark most of the day. But it was a great experience with Karl's family.

Not long after Christmas Day, I had an email from Mark which said he was sorry we didn't have more time to talk properly when we met. He said he had wanted to say a lot more to me than he got a chance to. Could we do a video call sometime? I thought about it and was tempted, but in the end I sent him an email back politely declining and wishing him and Jill all the best in the future. I guess I still had strong feelings for him and it was still too painful to confront.

I already had a job in a hospital back in Sydney waiting for me, but I negotiated an extension to my start date to stay in Stockholm for a while. Karl had introduced me to his professor and they had offered me a temporary six month job in an English speaking hospital which catered for overseas patients seeking advanced medical care.

Karl and my relationship was also growing from the very casual one it had been in London to something more serious. I wasn't exactly sure what that something was. It was quite different from the previous one with Mark, not as intense. I didn't know where it was headed, but I found myself starting to think I was falling in love.

Karl had, in the meantime, started specialist training as a cardiologist and was very excited at the new challenge. I was enjoying my work though it was generally more routine stuff. We were getting on really well and having fun times together in our limited spare time. However, the end of my six months in Stockholm was approaching and some decisions on the future would be needed soon.

That decision suddenly became far more complicated. Karl and I had became close, too close as it turns out, as I found I was unexpectedly pregnant. Quite embarrassing for a doctor to be caught out like that.

There was a strong temptation to not proceed with the pregnancy. We were both in the early stages of our careers that we had worked long and hard to get to. Our relationship, though it was going really well, was not yet developed anywhere near the stage of settling down, getting married and having children. Fuck what a mess!

We talked a lot about what to do. Karl admitted he preferred me to have a termination. I thought about it but in the end I just couldn't go through with it. Something inside me just wanted that baby too much. Though the situation was far from ideal, we decided to go ahead and try and make our relationship work and have the baby together.

As my six months work visa was expiring, I had to go back to Sydney and take up my new job. Karl would stay on in Stockholm for a short while, then he would he put his specialist training on hold and come to Sydney to live and work while I had the baby. After that, who knows?

I arrived back unannounced after 9 months away at our group's usual Friday evening BBQ to a surprised reception. It was fantastic to catch up with them all. I gave them a censored version of my time away, including that I had met up with Mark in London, which they seemed to already know about, and that I had been working in Stockholm. I didn't tell them about Karl or the baby just yet. I Thought I would leave those surprises for a bit later.

About a month later, Mark of all people turned up alone at our Friday gathering. He was all smiles and made a beeline to me.

"I heard you were back in Sydney so I thought I would come see for myself. Where have you been since you left London?"

"After I saw you I got an unexpected temporary job offer in Stockholm training under a renowned professor so I stayed there for 6 months, but back here now and still stitching up people."

"I quit my job in London and I am back for keeps now too."

"Jill?"

"Ancient History."

"I am truly sorry it didn't work out for you Mark."

"I'm not, he smiled back."

Luckily the rest of the group crowded in wanting to chat to him and I was able to escape from his close attention for the rest of the evening.

Before I left that night he took me aside and said, "I am so so sorry Allie. When I met you in London I realised what an ass I have been and what a fuckup I made of us. Can we have a chat one on one sometime soon?"

I promised him I would catch up with him. I could guess where he may be headed and we needed a hard discussion.

Mark wanted to meet over dinner but I diverted him to a chat over coffee. When we sat down I tried to speak but he said, "before you say anything, please just listen to me first Allie. I have been such an idiot. I don't know what I was thinking when I left you and especially asking you for a leave pass. The card you left for me really gave me a shock, but I went ahead anyway. I just don't understand how I could do it. It was like I was insane."

"I must admit that you hurt me a lot Mark. Then that crazy highly unromantic proposal, if you could call it that."

"I know I hurt you. If I could take it all back I would."

"I have thought about it a lot since Mark. We had never been really serious with anyone else and you obviously felt a strong need to explore the wide world to see for yourself if the grass was greener out there. You probably wouldn't have been able to settle down with me otherwise. I do forgive you for everything, really. I just wished you had talked to me about it first. But, it's all 'water under the bridge' now."

"It doesn't have to be Allie. I still love you very much."

I took his hand. "Mark, I still have love in my heart for you too, but I have met someone else."

"What?"

"I have a boyfriend Mark and it's getting serious."

"You are joking!"

I shook my head. "It is fairly early days and we are not engaged yet but we have a commitment together. It's actually somewhat complicated but we are giving it a go."

"How so complicated?"

"Well for a start he lives and works in Stockholm, but he will be coming here soon and staying."

Mark obviously had high hopes of reconciliation with me. Now with that dashed he just sat there silently with tears rolling down his face. I went over and hugged him to me while he sobbed.

When he calmed down I said, "I am sorry Mark, but I really don't think we have a future anymore. I need to be with Karl now."

He just nodded and said, "I remember, the blond guy in the pub in London."

Karl arrived in Sydney a week later. I was very happy to see him and get him back into my bed. He got a temporary job at my hospital and went straight to work, though not in his specialist field.

The next Friday evening we both turned up to the group's BBQ and I made the introduction to all our friends. They were all quite surprised to say the least. Everyone was very friendly to him and he got a warm welcome. I noticed they were also giving Mark sideways glances to see his reaction. I expected Mark to sulk in a corner, but to my surprise and to his credit, he came over and shook Karl's hand and chatted with him happily. Well happily on the surface anyway, I knew Mark well enough to see he was very unhappy inside, but he hid it well.

Karl and I settled into a routine in Sydney and we seemed to be having a great time together though I did notice it was different to back in Stockholm. Couldn't put my finger on anything, but something had changed. Maybe it was just being in another country.

At one Friday BBQ a few weeks later, Karl was off in a corner in a discussion about football with some of the guys, when Mark approached me alone. We chatted politely and he asked me how things were going. I told him all was very well.

He then said, "I figured things must be good Allie, you are positively glowing all the time."

"Well thank you Mark."

"Looks like you are eating very well too, I swear your ass was never that big before," he smirked.

I had dreaded this moment but it was time. I took him by the hand and pulled him around the corner out of sight. I didn't know how he would react to the news.

"Mark when I told you before things were complicated with Karl, I didn't elaborate. The truth is I am pregnant. I wanted you to hear it from me first."

He looked absolutely shocked and was silent. I had expected hurt, angry, dismissive but there was none of that. After a moment he just said, "WOW" and reached down and put his hand on my tummy. Then he grabbed me and gave me a warm lingering hug and whispered in my ear, "I know you will be a great mum."

After, Karl and I announced our baby news and caused more amazement among the group. I would be the first mother there.

My pregnancy seemed to develop very quickly and I soon had a very noticeable baby bulge. All was good with the baby but I was growing a bit concerned with Karl. We were happy enough and enjoying life in between long hours of work at the hospital, but our relationship had not really deepened as I had hoped, and at times he seemed a bit distant and distracted. When I asked him he kept saying everything was fine.

I hadn't seen that much of Mark since the big announcement either, I guessed he was deliberately avoiding me. He must have been having trouble coming to terms with everything.

With just three months to go to the birth I was by then sure something was really wrong with Karl, so I sat him down for a serious talk. The proverbial floodgates opened and it all spilled out. His career was suffering here, he wasn't happy living in Australia and wanted to be back home. Most importantly, he had realised he wasn't in love with me and didn't want to be a father. He was very apologetic and said he had tried hard for both my and the baby's sake but he just couldn't do it.

It was my turn for the WOW moment.

I realised there was no point in trying to pursue this any longer. We agreed the best thing was for him to return to Stockholm and me to raise the child as a single mother. He also said he didn't really want any future contact with either of us. That last bit hurt. Our decision to try and make things work out had been very naive. When I looked back later I realised underneath he was a bit immature and self-centred, but I hadn't noticed.

In less than a week he was gone and there I was with a massive tummy facing my impending meeting with destiny all on my own.

My group of old friends was very supportive when I told them, especially Sally. Mark also started showing up again regularly on our Friday evening get-togethers. I often caught him stealing a look at my bulge. He was always very friendly and attentive towards me though I could see some sadness in his eyes.

One evening after work when I was relaxing exhausted, taking the load off my feet, there was a knock on the door and there stood Mark with some containers of Thai takeaway food looking embarrassed. "I was, ummm, just passing bye with some dinner and maybe thought you could, ummm, maybe could do with something to eat. If you want that is."

"Mark, that would be absolutely fantastic come on in. It was lovely of you to think about me." For the first time in two years I got that old Mark loving smile back from him.

We enjoyed our meal together and chatted amicably about old times.

When he left he asked if it was OK to pop in again sometime.

He started coming bye more often, bringing food or doing a few chores around my place. I couldn't figure out why he was talking to me at all much less being so friendly and helpful.

We were sitting one evening after eating when I felt the baby giving a vicious kick. Without thinking I said, "Quick Mark give me your hand." I lifted my top and put his hand on my bare belly and he felt the baby kicking. Mark just looked at my bulge silently with a strange expression on his face. A single tear rolled down his face.

I felt horrified I had upset him. "I am very sorry Mark that was thoughtless. This must be so hard for you to see."

"No, not all Allie. I am not upset. It's just that it's so amazing and wonderful to actually feel the baby alive inside you. You...well... you look so beautiful pregnant."

I was surprised. "Me? Beautiful? I'm just fat and ugly now."

He shook his head emphatically.

His kindness let loose a wave of emotion that I had been suppressing for ages. I was in a huge mess and instantly it all just overcame me. Without thinking I grabbed him and held him to me and just sobbed into his chest for ages. He didn't let go and just soothed me as I calmed down.

Why was he being so nice to me when he should be hating me? His caring manner was making my old buried feelings for him rise up to the surface. Were my feelings real or was I just feeling vulnerable? It was a luxury I couldn't afford so I tried to push them aside.

Mark kept coming around and I was wondering if I should ask him not to anymore. I didn't want him to get hurt, or me for that matter. I needed his support though.

One evening about six weeks out he suddenly asked me if I was going to attend childbirth classes.

"Really Mark? You do know I have helped deliver actual babies. I do know what happens, maybe too well. Anyway, my would be my birth partner has pissed off back to Stockholm."

"I would be your partner Allie."

I looked at him and he had a very strange expression on his face which was hard to fathom, but it was a very tender one.

"Mark that is so sweet, but it would be far too much to ask of you. Besides, remember the last time you supported someone in a hospital when I was present. Where did you end up?"

"I know, I fainted on the floor. But this would be different. I have been reading up on what to do and watching birth videos."

I was speechless.

"I will be there for you if you want Allie."

"OK, I promise I will think about it."

I still couldn't figure what was going on with him. Did he just feel sorry for me? Did he still love me? Did he still want me? Did I still love him?

I thought though that the bottom line was he had never decided to become a dad and likely could never raise someone else's child, so I had to plan to manage on my own.

A fortnight out, Mark had to go away unexpectedly on a business trip, but he called every day checking up on me. I just let the birth partner thing go and didn't mention it again.

I was waddling around in my kitchen one morning feeling like a baby elephant when suddenly there was rush of liquid spilling onto the floor. My waters had broken a week earlier than I expected. I called my best friend Sally from our group and she came and picked me up and took me to the hospital.

I soon discovered one new medical fact they hadn't taught me. It's a lot easier to be a doctor assisting a delivery than doing the actual delivery yourself. I had been labouring hard for about six hours so far with the help of my girlfriends but the end wasn't yet in sight. I was already exhausted and miserable.

About an hour later a nurse came and said my partner had arrived and wanted to come in, was that OK? What the fuck! "Who wants to come in?"