The Circle of Life

This story is about a girl's journey through life when who loses the one she loves.

There is little sex in this story.

The story is a complete work of fiction and not based on any real persons, events or organisations.

Chapter 1 - Abandonment

I fondly looked down at my newborn son in my arms happily suckling at my breast while my wonderful husband beamed at us both. Considering my journey up to now, I was amused at how the life I had envisaged had been turned on its head and was now so different than I had imagined, what felt like only a few years ago. Back then life was moving along smoothly according to plan.

I had been with my childhood sweetheart Mark for 6 years. We had started dating at high school when were just 17. He was not my first, though I never admitted that to him, so I officially took his virginity and not the reverse.

Most of our friend's school relationships had folded quickly after finishing school as everyone took different paths in life. Mark and my relationship had survived the transition, and we had become even closer. We had a great group of close friends, mainly from school that we used to hang out with. To make sure we stayed in touch, we developed a custom of gathering for pizza, a BBQ, etc. on Friday evenings at someone's place.

Most of the original school couples in the group who had split still all came. There was a collection of new partners and some had hooked up with others in the group. Mark and I sometimes joked it should be called the Friday partners swap meet. It was a lively mix of old friends, couples and exes. My best friend was Sally. We had been buddies from the age of six and practically grew up in each other's houses.

By this time we were both at university, him studying Business and me studying Medicine. Both our courses were hard and demanding in time, especially mine. To get more time together, we had moved into a modest apartment while studying. Since school, our relationship had developed to a more mature solid level, though our actual quality time together when we were not working or studying was a bit limited. Eventually Mark's four year degree was finished and he immediately picked up a job in finance. As for me, I still had one more year to do at university and then after graduation, another year of internship at a hospital.

Mark's big graduation day came in a few months and I had a lovely time watching him proudly receive his hard earned degree. We then went out to dinner with all his family and drank plenty of champagne. Later back at our apartment after a nice celebratory lovemaking session, he cuddled up close and said, "Allie we need to talk." My immediate thought was, now he was graduated and going to earn good money, he was going to propose.

Instead he said, "Honey I have been thinking. You are studying so hard and so long hours I am getting lonely at home. You never have much time for me anymore. I know it's not your fault and I know you feel guilty about neglecting me too."

"Yes I know, my degree is really hard on us, and so was yours before you finished. Nothing is different from when we were both studying, but you just have more free time on your hands now. I will be finished eventually. You just need to do some other things, maybe get some new interests or do a bit more part time study until then."

"Well that's what I have been thinking. I have always wanted to travel, and James is heading off to Europe for a bit, so I thought I would go with him."

"That's not fair! I thought we were both going away to Europe together when I finished? That was OUR plan!"

"I know, but that is almost two years away. I don't want to wait that long. We can still go again together in the future when you finish.

Though I could see some logic in his argument, this was definitely not what I had in mind. "So how long were you thinking of going away for?"

"I don't know, six to nine months, maybe a little longer if I pick up work."

"REALLY! You will leave me alone for that long!"

"You will be so busy studying you will hardly notice I am gone AND you also won't feel guilty neglecting me when you have to study."

"Why then am I not so thrilled? It's late, can we talk about this in the morning?"

"Well OK, but I have bought the plane ticket already."

"REALLY! Before you talked to me! When are you planning to go?"

"Umm ...in just over three weeks."

"WHAT!" Getting out of bed I grabbed my pillow and said, "then you can bloody well sleep alone tonight to get used to it," and headed to the spare room.

Still angry, I left early before Mark was awake to go to the hospital for early morning rounds with my professor. It was a 'full on' day and I had little time to dwell on it during the day. I returned home late, tired but still cross.

Mark was very apologetic, but it was clear he had decided to go. I figured he had ambush me with his plan so I couldn't change his mind.

I told him in no uncertain terms how pissed I was at him that and presented me with a 'fait accompli' with no discussion. "I thought we were in a 'R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I P' Mark. That means discussion and joint decisions. When did this discussion happen?"

"Well it's something I really want to do."

"I would never take that sort of decision without discussing with you first and getting your views, it is just not fair!"

He just shrugged.

I was suddenly seeing a new side to him. Needless to say I slept in the spare room again that night.

During the couple of weeks, between my long hours at the hospital during the day and studying at night, we talked little. Most discussions were confined to the logistics of him going away. Sex was definitely off my agenda though he had tried to initiate 'make-up' sex a few times.

About a week before he was due to leave he said, "I have been thinking Allie, that maybe while I am away we should, you know, cool things a bit."

"Huh?"

"Well maybe while I am away we should be like...'free agents', if you know what I mean."

"Which means exactly what?"

"Well I will be away quite a while, and maybe it is possible that I might, say, drink too much one night, and, because I am horny, hook up with someone by mistake on a one night stand. It would be like cheating, which isn't good for any relationship. So maybe if we agree to be free agents while I am away neither of us would feel guilty or angry, you know, if anything like that happened. Not that I am saying it would, but just, you know, in case. Then it wouldn't be cheating because we agreed."

"You motherfucker" I thought, but I hid my anger.

"So you want some sort of an 'open' relationship while you are away?"

"Well not exactly Allie. I am not intending to do anything. This is a 'just in case' thing. When I come home we will go back to the way things are now. We can have a 'don't ask don't tell' agreement so no one gets upset or feels guilty."

"So you would be happy if I fucked other guys while you were away then?"

It was obvious from his expression he had not considered that particular possibility in his cunning plan.

"So Mark, what I think you are really asking me for is, basically, you just want a 'hall pass' to fuck other girls while you are away. Correct?"

He tried to 'sugar coat' it but was obvious that was what he wanted. I just walked away from him heartbroken and spent the night in the spare room again.

I slept little that night. I thought hard about what I should do and came to the conclusion that if someone you loved wanted to be set free, then it was pointless holding him in what he clearly saw was a cage. I understood, in a way. He had only been with me up to now and wanted to experience the wide world before he settled down. I was still utterly miserable about the prospect though. I knew nothing would ever be the same again, and I was losing my love and my soulmate.

I decided that watching him leave under these circumstances was just too painful. I was scheduled to do a training placement at a regional hospital starting in a few weeks. So, when I got to work next morning I asked my professor if I could start the placement early, say the day after tomorrow. He agreed with a bemused expression.

I went home at midday and packed to go.

I left Mark a note in the apartment which said, "sorry for the short notice Mark but I have to go to my regional placement urgently today due to an emergency. Sorry I didn't get to say goodbye to you face to face. Hope you have a great trip overseas. Bye, Allison.

I also left him a card which read, 'HALL PASS - Mark is hereby granted an unlimited free pass to fuck as many girls as he wants with no recriminations from me.'

To think, two weeks ago I thought he was going to propose.

Mark rang me when he got home and read the note, but I was already on the plane headed to the country town where I was going to work.

The next day when we spoke on the phone he begged me to come home to visit him before he left

"I am frightened I will lose you Allie."

"Given the circumstances that is entirely possible Mark.

"Please come home. I want to make it right so that doesn't happen. I want to give you something special before I leave."

"Oh really, what is so important?"

"Well I got you a ring."

"YOU ARE ASKING ME NOW!! REALLY!!"

"No I am serious. I want to demonstrate to you I am still serious about us. I am coming back to you Allie."

"You are kidding Mark? After what we just discussed."

"What a fucking nerve", I thought. "Trying to secure his possession of me, and 'branding' me so other guys would know I was engaged and off limits, all while he was away using his hall pass."

I responded coolly, "Well Mark, I don't really think I could consider myself a 'free agent' wearing your ring, now could I? So best hang onto it until you return. Anyway, it's not possible for me to get back."

"I will tear up the leave pass Allie."

"Mark, once asked for, it is not something that you can take back. I'm sorry but I really must go now, my shift is starting."

I felt drained and empty. How had it all come to this so quickly. And the ring, what on earth possessed him to think I would accept that sort of proposal now. He was acting insane.

I ignored his further calls back to me. A few days later he left with no more words between us.

I was just devastated. He was my childhood sweetheart and the love of my life. I had envisaged a wonderful wedding, happy marriage, kids etc. How had he suddenly become such an asshole and why hadn't I noticed before? I still loved him despite everything, but it was hard to envisage a happy future with him anymore.

Chapter 2 - Aftermath

Fortunately my studies kept me so busy I had little time to grieve over our lost relationship, except when I lay alone in bed at night before sleep came. This did leave me with a lot of unresolved feelings which wasn't good and I knew I would have to deal with it sometime.

Mark and I exchanged emails few weeks, him describing his travels, and me my studies which sounded boring in comparison. There was little intimacy in his emails though. He was too busy off exploring the world. Pictures he posted on Facebook showed him at all the usual tourist spots, Amsterdam, Paris, Rome and Florence etc. Often there were girls in the shots, so I guessed he was probably making good use of his hall pass. Eventually I stopped following him because I didn't want to see them anymore. His emails to me tapered off as well.

I tried to make it to our usual Friday night gang get-togethers but I felt out of place. They did chat a bit about what Mark and James were doing and politely asked me how he was. I guessed from their remarks they knew he was up to no good and were trying to figure out what I knew. I didn't elaborate on the leave pass. Sally knew I was still suffering and would often console me in private.

By the end of the year I had finished my medical degree and badly needed a break. So I took off for six weeks with Sally and backpacked through SE Asia. I had been celibate since Mark had left 9 months ago. To my delight there were plenty of cute guy backpackers around so I used my own free agency for some good catch-up recreational sex.

Feeling refreshed on return, I jumped back into my work, now as an intern doctor in a teaching hospital. It was another huge learning curve. We had to rotate through all the different specialty departments learning our craft while trying not to kill too many patients. Luckily we were closely watched by other doctors and eagle-eyed nurses who prevented my many potential blunders.

When I rotated into the Emergency Department I wished I had paid more attention in school sewing class, where I had been a real klutz, as it was now my task to do all the suturing jobs. With practice I was soon very adept and could do a very neat respectable stitch-up job. As well as assisting more senior doctors, I also got all the other really weird jobs, like digging out stuck objects from various body orifices. You wouldn't believe some of the things that got stuck inside them.

I think my favourite place was the maternity department where I got to deliver babies. I did occasionally wonder, as I watched a woman in labour, if it would ever be me laying on the birthing table pushing a new life into the world. I quickly dismissed any such thoughts.

After Mark had been away for about 12 months, I received a by now very infrequent email from him. He said he had got a job in a finance company in London so he would be staying a while longer. Also, he said he had met an English girl travelling and they were now sharing a flat in London. He said it wasn't anything serious but he wanted me to find out from him first. I guessed the others knew already from his mate James.

So much for wanting to come back to me. When I didn't bother to respond back he emailed me again asking if I was OK. I replied, "fine, but I want some space so please don't email me for a while," (meaning ever).

I also got into a relation of sorts with a colleague, the friend with benefits type. He was married, so no strings attached and purely for sex, which suited me. I would normally not have gone near a married man but he told me he was in an open marriage. His wife and son were still living in his home town while he trained in Sydney, so it suited both of them to have sexual freedom. It was great for a few months until his wife came to visit and it turned out she didn't know she was in an open marriage. My asshole detector was in definite need of improvement.

Just before the last 3 months of my internship, my main supervisor, a visiting professor from a London hospital, asked me if I would be interested in finishing my internship back at his hospital. It was a great professional opportunity that I couldn't turn down. I dismissed any concerns of running into Mark, after all it was a very big city. So to London I went.

It was a busy time at the London hospital with long hours but the training was fantastic. There was also the opportunity to get away for weekends to the Continent and Ireland. The great extra 'benefit' though was a flatmate at the hospital's intern accommodation. Karl was a gorgeous gentle Swedish man. I fell instantly in lust with him and dragged him into my bed.

The three months internship passed quickly and Christmas, as well as the end of my time in London, approached. I had been invited to spend Christmas with Karl and his parents in Stockholm and we were to leave the day before Christmas Eve.

I had started my last week of shifts in the emergency department. One night things were very busy with no spare hands. There were a lot of the incoming walking wounded, the result of accidents due to pre-Christmas alcohol over consumption and/or the icy roads and footpaths from a recent snowfall. That was my patch for the evening.

My nurse brought in yet another patient, a woman who had slipped and cut her face with a deep one above her eye. My attention was on her when a male voice behind said, "Allie! Is that really you? What are YOU doing here?"

I turned around and of course it was Mark, and it was fairly obvious that it was his girlfriend on the treatment bed.

"I work here I snapped back," then turned my attention back to the girl.

Though I appeared outwardly cool and professional, inside my heart was beating wildly and my mind was in turmoil. A flood of all sorts of emotions washed over me. Shit Shit Shit Shit. Why had fate done this to me? Why did he have to end up here of all places?

My patient said, "Mark, how do you know the doctor?" He sheepishly introduced me to his girlfriend Jane.

She seemed a lot more apprehensive then, probably thinking I may be the jealous type and cause her harm. So I told her she could have another doctor if she wished, but she may have to wait some hours. She shook her head.

I pulled myself together and prepared to get to work with my assisting nurse.

Jane asked Mark to stay and hold her hand during the procedure. I grinned a little under my mask as I knew he hated the sight of blood. After I cleaned up her face I examined her cuts. The small ones could be patched with steri-strips but the cut above her eye needed stitching.

Mark managed to keep it together while I injected anaesthetic around her eye, but when I started the suturing he went white as a ghost, then sank onto the floor next to her bed in a faint. I checked he was conscious and still well and truly alive, though from the sight of his miserable face you would think he was at death's door.

I couldn't resist a dig in front of her, "Christ you are a wimp Mark, it's just a little needle and thread work. It's your girlfriend up here that's getting the actual stitching."

I made him sit on the floor while I sutured up his girlfriend's eye so he wouldn't faint again.

Apart from reassuring her, I didn't chat much, just concentrated on my work.

When finished, I stepped back and admired my handiwork. "Jill, I have done a very neat repair with fine thread. Luckily, it was a clean cut so you will only have a tiny little scar and most of that should be hidden by your eyebrow when it grows back. Keep it dry until you come back in a week to get the stitches taken out.

I couldn't resist another dig at Mark. Talking to Jill but looking in Mark's direction I said, "If I were you, if the need ever arises for a birthing partner, I suggest you find an alternative to the one currently down there on the floor." I got a weak smile back from him.

I got Mark up from the floor and into a chair then checked where he had banged his head on the wall going down. "No permanent damage, you will live Mark. Just more paperwork for me."

The nurse gave him a glass of water. When he regained the power of speech he said, "Why are you here Allie?"

"I am doing intern training here Mark."

"Since when?"

"Beginning of October"

"Why haven't you been in contact?"

"Look Mark, you are both OK to go now. I have patients backed up to the rafters in the waiting room. I just don't have time to chat. Sorry, but you have to go now so the next patient can come in."

So they left, with his girlfriend thanking me, but Mark just in a bewildered state.

Fuck, what was the chance I would run into him here and now. Damm, damm damm!

I didn't have any more time to think about him as my next patient, a young girl with what looked like a fractured arm, was brought in.

By the time I got back to my apartment it was midnight and I was exhausted. I just crawled into bed next to an already sleeping Karl and fell asleep myself.

The next afternoon at the hospital, while I was on a break, I got paged to take a phone call. It was Mark.