The Dating App

Feb 9, 2042

This story is information I took from my wife, Carol's, notes, which I found when I was clearing out our house in preparation for a move to a condo a year after she had died of cancer, and almost twenty years after this issue happened. I had never seen these notes which were folded and in a large envelope, collecting dust under her dresser. Not realizing what it was, I picked it up and was about to put it in a box with other stuff when I saw a Twenty-dollar bill sticking out of the envelope clipped to the pages.

As I grabbed the bill and pulled it out of the envelope, two small photos came out with it. They were older photos, one showing her laughing but with her shirt undone and one of her boobs showing. The other photo showed the top of her head leaning over some guy's lap and from what I could tell of the look on his face, it was obvious she was giving him a blow job.

I hadn't taken the photos and had no idea who the man was, or that anything like this had ever happened. For a second, I thought maybe they were probably taken before we were married, but looking at the photo of her laughing, I could see she was older and the realization that something had happened while we were married that she never told me about. Forgetting the move, I sat on the floor and began reading. I'm starting this story where the notes begin.

May 3, 2020

'It all started when my son, Jeff, was visiting us at our home and was looking at his phone. He seemed totally interested on what was happening and my husband, sitting beside me looked at him and asked what he was looking at.'

'The response was one of surprise and embarrassment from him, not what we expected. After some prodding, mostly from me, Jeff finally admitted it was a dating site. With that news he came clean and showed us this new dating app he had downloaded. I immediately thought it was some sort of x-rated, but it was simply an app featuring older women on it. He explained that he had put down the wrong ages and he laughed a little when he saw some of the photos.'

'My husband, of course, was immediately interested and began to look at some of the photos. I felt uncomfortable, dating apps on a phone were good for his generation, but not for someone like me, in my mid 40's. Still, I was interested in what our only son was up to and began to look at some of the photos when I heard his comment that made me take pause. "Jeeze, mom, if you were single, you would outclass all these older women.'

I stopped reading as I remembered the day clearly. I didn't know why, but my heart skipped a beat that day, when I heard my wife reply that she was right. I told them both that it was stupid as she was a happily married woman.

'Earlier today, George made a comment on how it wouldn't interest me, but Jeff insisted I could create a fake profile and post my photos, saying it was harmless and no one would know, but George suddenly got mad and said he wouldn't allow it. I found that strange and didn't see why he would say that. Now however, as I lay next to my sleeping husband, I keep wondering what something like that would be like. Of course, I would never accept a date, but I wonder how I would stack up against some of those other women? I think I'm better looking.'

I read that passage twice. I never knew she had any thoughts like this. That night we talked about the app and I explained how uncomfortable I was with the whole thing. Then I suddenly remembered the mistake I made at that moment, saying she was a married woman with two kids, and it would be unlikely anyone would find her attractive beside me. I knew even that that it was too late to take it back, even though I tried and apologized a lot.

May 4

'I can't stop thinking about that app. I know I'm happily married, George reminds me all the time. I'm still attractive and I bet a lot of men would find me attractive.'

There were a couple of inane thoughts here, all of them hard to follow at times, but I was so engrossed at what she had written already, I kept going. Her thoughts finally got back on track on the next page.

May 5

'That stupid app, it's all I can think about. I even downloaded it, but I haven't posted a profile, fake or real. Without them, I can't see any profiles of the men on here. I know it's not right, I am a happy wife, but this is driving me nuts. Today at work, I mentioned it to some of the other dental staff, like Marie. She looked at me without saying anything and I kind of figured she was wondering if I was thinking of cheating on George. Not the case, just that I wish I could get rid of these thoughts. It's so wrong.'

I never should have said that thing about her being unattractive. She is, was. It was the reason why I was so against it, thinking it would only lead to trouble. What woman wouldn't want to meet the man that said she was attractive. Basically, I was insecure and not in a good place back then. I even had thoughts then that something was going on, though I could never prove anything. I was just afraid if she did date, she might find another man she liked better than me and that would be the end of everything. I shook my head, knowing how silly a thought it was. We had been married until the day she died, fighting the cancer even as it devoured her. Quickly I shook this depressing thought from my mind and kept reading.

May 7

'Two days ago, I asked Marie about that app. Today, when we were locking up and the last two people in the office, Marie brought it up again. She told me she had tried the app several months ago and she cleared her profile after all the comments she received. I asked her if Brandon, [her husband] knew she had done that. She told me yes and after she posted it, she had even gone out on a date with one guy. That shocked me, that she had gone out on a date, she's been married almost as long as me. Oh my God.

I had to stop and grab a drink of water at this point. This was getting good.

'Marie told me then, that Brandon had given her permission to go on it, so she went. The man was fantastic all through the date. He took her to dinner and then dancing, something Brandon didn't like to do, and she told me it really got her in the mood, so when they went back to his place, they had sex! Oh my God, she said the sex was fantastic and she said I should try it. She even said she would help with creating a profile.'

'I have to admit, I was getting excited when I heard Marie talk, so I let her help me create a fake profile, just to see how many responses I received. Damn, I know it's wrong, but George just made me so upset with his stupid comment, I had to do it. Marie said I can erase the profile at any time, but like most, I think I have a couple days before it goes active. I'll sleep on it. Tell me I can't post something. Take this George.'

There was a pause here, slanted lines with circles. They must have meant something to her, but to me they were a mystery. Then it dawned one me. They measured responses, one circle, with a full X, a second with only a single line. It came to me as I read her next passage.

May 9

'I made a mistake the app goes live the day you create it. Thank God I didn't use my real name, there are already over five hundred views, and what's more, over a hundred likes. Take that George. Told you I was hot, even for an old married woman. What do I do now? I didn't think this through. I just wanted men to say whether they liked my photo, now all these men have looked and liked it, but some are writing. Oh my, if George could see this now, he'd bust a blood vessel. Marie told me to look through them, don't try to answer all of them, just pick a couple I like best and message them back.'

'I can't do that, can I? I mean it would be wrong, but oh damn, I am so curious. I'm going to look at a few, only a few. If they're stupid or sick, I'll erase the whole thing and forget all about this stupid app. Oh why did I do this. It's my own fault. I can't stop reading.'

'I lied to myself, that first writing was so perverted, I blushed and yet I'm still reading others. I swear its like that commercial, you can't eat just one. I can't read just one. It's wrong, so wrong, it's perverted, it's sick, but damn I like reading them. Like hearing what these men want to do with me, to me. It's sick but exciting. I know, I need help.'

I had to put the paper down and think for a moment. She didn't want to do this, but my words made her do it. Obviously, she did more, why else would the photos be there, why so many more pages to read? Why? I had never cheated on my wife, never. There were times I was tempted, tell me a man who isn't? I never realized that women had the same challenges, that they were so badly tempted as well. That never entered my mind until now, until it was too late to change things. I didn't blame my wife I just became engrossed in the readings.

'I went through a lot of the messages. There were over a hundred to start, but more keep popping up. I tried to ignore them, never told Marie that I got any, but I think she suspects. She keeps raising her eyebrows like she knows what I'm thinking. I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't know what I'll do now.'

'I laid in bed for a while, waiting for George to fall asleep. He hits the pillow and hes out. I wonder if he would sleep so easily if he knew what I'm doing? Would he join me in reading the emails? Would he get mad? Yeah, what am I thinking, of course he would get mad, men saying such dirty, horrible, hot things. Oh my God, I had to get out of bed, these stupid messages are turning me on. It's wrong, it's so wrong. But I can't stop. I don't want to stop. This guy, he's only a kid, Twenty-Three, and he's so interested in my profile. I'm old enough to be his mother for crying out loud. Why is a young guy like that writing to me?'

May 10

'It hit me last night. My son, oh my, he was looking at pictures of older women as well. He told me to post a fake profile. My son. He must look at some of these photos, older women like me. I'm erasing my profile. I can't have Jeff see me on here.'

There were some small circles, like doodles, but then flowers and a wolf or dog's head. I figured I was looking at my wife's mind as she was thinking

'I relaxed. I was in a panic before. I didn't think this through. I can lie, just tell him I took his advice and to not tell his father. That might work. He can see the likes, but not what not what the men wrote to me, or if I reply to some. That might work. As long as I refuse to open the app on my phone, he won't know what is in there. And damnit, this is still on George.'

This was my wife? I couldn't believe what I was reading, and I could see it coming, which probably explained the photos. She felt guilty, which was obvious, but what hit me more, was she was only feeling guilty because she was getting excited and had even opened some of the responses. Remembering the photo, I had to keep reading to find out how that photo came about and how far this episode continued before it ended. Her next entry seemed to be that night, but I was guessing because this entry wasn't dated.

'After supper I took a bath again and looked at the app. I hadn't as yet replied to anyone and I really wanted to. However, after my bath, I remembered that I had the day off tomorrow because of a dental conference and Jess (our daughter) had said she was tired and went to bed, so I could stay up after George goes to sleep. I would have the living room to myself and the more I thought about the dating site, I knew I had and opportunity. It was like fate wanted me to view this site and was giving me this chance. So, I said screw it, and after slipping out of bed and going downstairs, I opened the app. To my surprise my profile had been viewed almost two hundred times. What was more interesting, there were over a hundred and fifty likes. Take that all you old bitties who posted before me.'

I figured I should look at some of the profiles of the men who liked my profile. The first man was older, and his photo just made me laugh. I almost cancelled there, but glad I didn't as the next few were more attractive, and then opened the cute 23 years old, a hot 23-year old guy, named Frank. He was better looking than any of the ones I had yet seen.'

I had to stop reading. All of this had occurred in my home, my happy home. I will admit I was feeling pissed off, but it was also exciting. It was like I was viewing my wife's mind as she came up with these thoughts. In frustration, I threw the stack of papers on the floor and walked out of the room, feeling, well, I don't know exactly what I was feeling. My own wife was getting excited and this had all happened without me being aware of it. In disgust, I pulled a beer from the fridge, went back to the room and continued reading once more.

'This is so fascinating. I wish I could shove this in George's face, but I know I can't as it would prove I went against his wishes and posted my profile. I guess someday, I will have to tell him if just to prove that other men find me attractive. That's when I noticed the scoring box. I hadn't seen it before, but now I could see how I rated against others. The average score is 2.8 out of 5, and holy cow, I rated an average of 3.0. Oh Lord, I'm a hottie. Not bad for a mom of two kids. Oh, would George like that? Bet he would. He would hate I went on this site, but he would probably get a kick seeing such a high score.'

The next paragraph looked like it picked up later the next day but again there was no date, so I'm guessing it was May 11.

I spent the afternoon looking at the men who liked my profile, I just didn't know that every time I hit like back, my response was sent back to the guy. I found that out this morning that any guy I hit like to could message me back! Worse, I forgot to delete my profile. After work that next day, more than a dozen of the men I had sent a like to, had sent me more messages. Some of them were really graphic. I didn't want to read them, but I couldn't help myself. I erased a few of the weirdos, ones who were too specific, but a few were men had written nice things that made me warm. Then there was one that was so romantic. Of course it was the 23 year old kid. Damn, where did this kid learn to write so romantic? It was like poetry.'

I looked at the photo again and though the guy's head wasn't showing, what I could see was a slender youthful body with a muscular stomach. This had to be the guy. Thank God, I couldn't see his face. If I had, I would have gone looking for him. What the hell did he write?

I went back to her papers, looking for his information. Something had to be there. There were a lot of her personal thoughts, like debating with herself as to whether she should continue this adventure, that's what she called it, and adventure. Damn, when I read that, I knew she would continue. I was right.

'I took a bath last night, concentrating on the three most romantic responses, saving them to my phone.'

Damn, her phone. I still had it, though I didn't know if it would still contain anything from so long ago. I had not turned it on after her death and remembered putting it in storage, some of which had already been removed. Frantically searched for it tearing into the remaining boxes with a gusto, dumping the contents of each on the floor. I finally found it stuffed among other items in the fourth box. Grabbing the phone, I plugged it in and waited for it to power up. It took another minute to get it synched up and then I looked through her messages. There were many messages, but she had erased the messages I was looking for.

That made sense. Why would she leave something so personal on her phone that I might have stumbled upon it in the past? I even looked up the dating app, but it was no longer there. That was good news. Whatever she had done, she had obviously decided to end it there. All I could do now was to look through her notes and finish reading everything.

As I picked up the pages again, I looked at them without reading further. If she had changed her mind, why had she written everything down and kept it, especially when she knew she was dying with cancer? Then an idea came to mind. She had saved these pages for a reason and I had a good idea of why. I then started reading the papers again.

'I can't believe how excited I feel, how alive. I haven't felt like this since George and I were dating. My personal life is full of excitement, full of anticipation. I did close the app today, but I put down that it was because I found someone, not because I wasn't interested. Why did I do that? I did it because I like this app. I know it would hurt George badly if he knew, but I like the idea of men finding me attractive. The idea is simply so gratifying, so extremely sexual, I can't help myself. I need to see this through with some, see where things go. I love George, I do, but this idea has opened so many thoughts in my head, I don't know how I can control it.'

There was a space between the paragraphs. I saw something written, but it was scratched out, like she didn't want anyone to see, or something. It took up again and kept reading.

May 11

'I did it. George was away on business and with no one around, I wrote to the 23-year old. Even with the app closed, he posted his email and I used that to write back. I wasn't sure what to say, only that I liked his message and was surprised that someone as cute as he was would like an older woman, like me. His reply came back almost immediately. He likes older woman. We're more mature, more interested in a young guy's feelings. That was so sweet, and he sounded sincere. I wrote that I would think about it and closed the email.'

'It was a tough decision, but with my daughter staying at her friend's home again, and with George out of town, I wondered if I should. I called George then when he was away on business. He answered but he sounded distracted. It sounded like he was in a bar and with his friends while I was stuck at home alone. Damn, he was having fun and I was alone.'

I pulled away from the paper. A sales conference, that was it. We were in Dayton, and it was a good day. I had to go. It was a mandatory meeting and many of us were celebrating our success. Some of my group had gone to a local bar to have some drinks and I remembered the call. I remembered her wanting to talk, but I was surrounded and told her I would call later. Stupid. If I had even an inkling that she needed me then and took a few minutes to talk, this might never have happened. I should have talked then. Would of, could of, should of. I was a fool then. I had neglected my wife one too many times and this was the result.

'In a fit of anger, I messaged the guy, Frank, again, this time giving him my cell number. He called right away, and we talked for almost an hour about all kinds of things. He knew what to say, how to attract me. I was so foolish, but I was carried away. It was so wrong, but I fell for it. I refused to meet him once at a bar, but when he suggested coffee, I looked around and figured why not. It wasn't late and George was having fun, so why not just get a cup of coffee?'

'I was so nervous when I parked my car that my hands were shaking. After debating with myself for almost ten minutes, I finally got out of the car and approached the coffee shop. He was sitting there casually, talking with a waitress when he saw me. Then he stood up. What a gentleman. He stood up, shook my hand and ordered a coffee for me, remembering how I liked it. We sat there for a bit. I don't know how long, but it was growing dark and the shop was closing.'

'That's when he suggested we walk across the street to a tavern, just for a drink. I know I should have said no, but something made me agree and I went with him. The tavern was almost empty, typical Monday evening. We sat and drank, he had a beer, I had a wine and the night seemed to fly by. When I looked at my watch it was almost ten thirty. I couldn't remember the last time I had stayed out so late. I was a little tipsy I admit, and I wasn't thinking straight. I remember thinking I had to leave and get home, but as I got up, I stumbled, and Frank grabbed me to help me keep my balance.'