All Comments on 'The Deal Pt. 06 - Final'

I thought this was a really good story (if a bit long). Early in the story I felt the MC was being childish in his revenge for the (admittedly) very poor actions of a girl who was just coming out of childhood at the time of her "crime"

However, the rest of the story slowly saw him regaining his humanity and had a complete ending. So a big 5 stars from me.

All’s well that ends well! My only concern was the unresolved attack on the MC by Shannon’s ex. With his obsession, I felt he would still seek vengeance.

As already mentioned, the story has a very good beginning, allowing it to develop in different directions, and we must pay tribute to Rehnquist's imagination.

I really like your path to redemption, the development of the characters towards mutual happiness. But that's personal. Everyone has their own tastes.

The drawbacks I can mention are that sometimes there's a total lack of coherence in certain scenes, for example:

- the sexual blackmail, which was supposed to be secret and hidden because it's totally illegal, turns into exhibitionism.

- the overly rapid development (in 48 hours) of the bond with Shannon and the children, whereas at the outset he is consumed by revenge, pain...

Personally, these are things that bother me when it comes to appreciating a story.

Yes, it's fiction, but fiction doesn't preclude coherence.

- If a character falls in the water, I expect him to come out soaking wet.

Bravo for your courage and effort in embarking on this writing experiment.

And thank you for sharing.

You should keep the story going with a new title. Make the story about him as a lawyer with his love interests as helpers or side characters.

thanks... now that it is finished in your eyes, I feel I can start reading it and not be left hanging.

Ok. Was headed to 5*.

So he reconciles because....she says so?

The end is just not supported by the story.

One point deduction.

4*

Good story with good writing, except I just find it hard to accept " Elza, Rebecca and Shannon." It is possible but just smacks too much of sophomoric fantasy.

The story refers to Shannon as a "cheater" and lot of comments were directed in the same direction. But Shannon and Erik were not married. They were headed to a wedding, and Shannon should have been more up front. But they had not yet made their vows or tied the knot. I think finding someone else before wedding may be a good thing because better then than after wedding.

One more comment -- I really liked the "deal" at the end. Very creative and legally intense.

I can't speak for others, but I loved your version of the story. Eric is leading an interesting life.

Thanks - 5*

Bravo. Just bravo. NickTee, you wrote a very interesting story, and did it well. 5 stars.

On multi part stories, I usually don't comment until the end. I thought this was very well done, with good characterization. Thanks! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Some people won't like the HEA ending but I thought it was appropriate based on the story. Well done

It was obvious Erik and Shannon were going to end up together. That's fine.

She did apologize and she said she's grown up and changed but, I don't feel like Shannon ever explained why she dropped him as casually and hurtfully as she did. After all the time and effort Erik out into trying to keep his emotional distance from her he would have wanted an understandable explanation before he just caved and started dating her full time.

Great from start to finish!!!!

5 Stars

Not bad at all, slightly wordy but still kept the flow. In the Deal 'contract' I was expecting a clause to allow Elza one night a month if all were agreeable.

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A little more involvement of the twins was warranted. And Aunt Elza (childless) and Aunt Reb becoming their godmothers.

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A miss is what happen to Ray (that Elza orchestrated) as her secret wedding present insuring Ray never is a threat.

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5*****, Hooyah, Salutes...

A sigh of relief! They made it in the end. You certainly made them work for it, didn't you? Well done. I enjoyed it from the beginning - the characters are well drawn, you kept enough uncertainty to keep us on edge, but you brought it home in the end.

Thank you

Quirky and a little unpredictable, overall it’s good. The women had to quantify Shannon’s guaranteed monogamy, to convince him of her sincerity. One would think that after crashing his car, getting shot, and spend a month hospitalized, he’d realize that he needed Shannon in his life. Having endured that much, he should have dropped his pride. My only question is the timing of events: why have Erik hospitalized and possibly exposed as a pandemic was brewing? A year earlier might have been better.

I think you did very well with it. Liked it. 5.

Well done, I enjoyed each chapter. 5 stars on each chapter.

Great story. Thanks for sharing.

I liked the story and I will look forward to your next.

You sir did not disappoint me! That was one hell of a first class story - you had me hooked! Thank you. Every chapter was 5 stars.

Chapter 5 was your best in the series. This chapter "generally" did what we all were expecting, but the leap from distancing Shannon to signing a contract left me saying, WTF? You also quickly threw a few sentences about Rebecca just to tie-in and close that story arc. It's a shame you tried to do in a final chapter what really needed 2 solid chapters to do. I may have already commented about it, Rehnquist "was" one of the best on the site when he/she retired. Great one to emulate. 4.2* for Chapter 6. 4.4* for the series.

Well done - think you have a great future here - keep writing!

Well, the ex hung in there and it appears she matured a bit to settle down for real love. It was a lot sex scenes interspersed with a good story though. A bit too much sex in my opinion and more story would have been appreciated. You did get 5 stars at the end.

Very good read, decent characters to luv or hate.

Always, ALWAYS write the story that you want to write. Do not write to please the readers. The readers will either like your work or not like it. Please yourself. That way you will never wonder if it could have been better because you sacrificed something you wanted to do in order to appeal to some segment of the audience. I am happy to have read what you wrote.

Good conclusion to your story!

5

I loved it. It was a bit drawn out in places but I wanted to see whether they will or won’t get back together. People deserve a second chance.

I would have like to have seen Erik have all 3 women together, maybe on that boat.

If this was your first story I can’t wait for the second. This was great fun Thank you!

Enjoyed how you wrapped this up. 5 stars

Great story

It is a wonderful story.

5* thank you for sharing. I have always liked happy ending. But it takes real effort and lots of work to give a proper happy ending.

I loved the details and the characters.

It was very well written and phrased.

Meh, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after his experience with shannon in the past, i would have found her repulsive, so theres no way i can empathize with the raac this clearly was.... also years later and hes still single? And they constantly poke at him for none of his relationships working out because of shannon? What, did our mc in this story have stockholme syndrome? Did she destroy him so thoroughly by throwing him away like that only to reinforce his love for her? 99.9% of the guys i know would instantly be turned off and disgusted by her after her actions, and never would have made a deal like that with her.... afterall better a whore then a lying cheating ex.

i think you will do just fine

Well done. The writing is very good throughout. Redemption was placed upon a prayer wheel and, rotated by the author's hand, edged closer and then further away. As in other cases, exhaustion becomes a factor in the quality of the edging. It sometimes appeared that reconciliation had become the stasis or default position amidst the furor of relationships that the MC was drawn into. Rather than being concluded, the story just kind of coasted to a stop.

Great finish I sort of lost it in pat 5 as you also seemed to meander about BUT you got it back Keep up the good work (jaybee186)

I don't really care much for the arguements about categories of couples/loving wives/mature. I get that others do care but to me I'd much rather focus on the quality of a story and for a re write of an old tale that I remember reading back in the day... This is a great job.

Just like movies and TV shows get remakes or plays have new casts and interpretations or even comic books rebooting - I think is fair enough to give a story another go with the permission if possible of the original writer and giving credit accordingly.

I really enjoyed this version and for a first published tale it's set a high standard. Kudos

Very nice wrap up and ending. 5*****

I have never heard of mashed pumpkin/sweet potato with gravy. That would be like putting syrup on your eggs

My biggest complaint is you left the ex husband as unfinished.

You've come very far since the Magnificent Eight story.

You definitely need to keep writing.

Your plots are very well done. The Elza subplot was possibly unneccesary... maybe.

All of the above is meant as constructive and in case saying it once is not enough.

KEEP WRITING!

I started out reading your story to feed my fantastical hot wife fix, and it just sucked me in!

I normally would have breezed over it when the story line started including all of the law office details , in favor of more erotica, but I couldn’t make myself walk away!

I’ll be watching for more of your work!

Two points:

1. People don't get upset about a story without first getting emotionally involved with it. As some of your fellow authors have pointed out, the opposite of love isn't hate. The opposite of love is indifference.

2. Many authors have described finding their characters taking over the story and writing their lives through the authors imagination and fingertips. Those stories just happen to be the ones I find most enjoyable.

Enjoyed it when it started. However it was too long and dragged...

No apologies needed. 5*+

1 star - just not my kind of story.

I never spend more than 1% of my time reading anything involving the upper 2% of the narcissistic ASSHOLES in our society. That is simply just too boring.

I fluctuated between 2, 3, 4, and 5 stars. Sometimes within one “Part” of the story. So in summary it was in my opinion inconsistant, not surprising for a first effort. Also you were writing for yourself, not attempting to hit the hot buttons for the readers of Loving Wives stories on this site. I appreciate that, and hope that you write more stories “for yourself. I agree that stories by Mr. Rehnquist are a good model, but I encourage you to graduate to your own story line. There are also other authors from the “Rehnquist” era that I hope you will read to help guide you in your quest to excel. Readers here are not homogenous. There will always be those that hate and vilify your stories for one reason or another. Ignore them. Pay attention to those the offer helpful advice. Overall, 4 stars. JMO

I’m not an author but really enjoyed the story.

Really enjoyed the story .I’m a sucker for good reconciliation stories and this fit the bill. Look forward to future submissions.

I had always wanted a story on Rebecca, as I found her a fascinating character. You did an excellent job with Rehnquist's framework, and I think he would have been pleased.

Really good story. Other commenters have hit on some of the missteps, but I will reiterate that the Shannon conflict resolved too quickly. That said, you put together a rock solid first story. You’re a good writer and should be proud. Thanks for the engaging story and for giving Rebecca Galarza a happy ending. While Rehnquist took good care of his mains, Rebecca kinda got the shaft. Looking forward to more good stuff from you.

I really liked the story, but I think the contract ending kind of rushed things. Yes, he and Shannon would have eventually gotten there, but based on the encounter in the hospital before he checked out to go home, it came off that all the memories were very fresh about how he wouldn't get back into a relationship with her. It kind of reset him back to where he was at the start of the story. Maybe have more play dates with the girls as uncle Erik and more thought into the reasons for his actions to save them to wind things up. Because of this, I moved my rating from a 5 to a 4.

That said. well written. looking forward to your future works.

Entertaining! You wrote a plot where everything works out for Erik. So, one last detail to wrap up is Ray running loose in Mexico. After a fun week with Shannon and Reb, Elza arrives and gives Erik a sealed glass jar containing 2 testicles, a penis and 2 eye balls with Ray written across the jar. She has the resources and illustrates she is the dragon.

Entirely screwed up the entire story series with the unwarranted RAAC ending turned the whole thing into a 1 star waste of

Long story; good one, though.

For a person with memory issues (me) the length necessitated re-reading which, more often than not, only increased appreciation for the consistent character development of the main actors. For readers of stories found in the Loving Wives strand on Literotica the end-point was implied from the beginning set-up--but the skillful plot configuration was sufficient to stave off conviction until the very end.

Hats off to creating a dynamic where (with only a little insertion of belief suspension) the possibility of three totally individual females could come together to accept enough shared affection that they could (in their own way) each love having a meaningful relationship with one (very lucky) man.

Loved it. Please keep writing.

MLJ

There is no pleasing every reader in the "Loving Wives" category so don't set yourself up for an impossible goal.

Sorry. This is a crock of shit. And with wet toilet paper to boot!

I thought it was a good story with some flaws. Most stories have those little things, but you didn't have many egregious ones. You didn't get too carried away at any point with any one thing which was also a point in your favor. I didn't like the loose ends (like Ray) but every story has things not all people will agree with. The only major thing I didn't like was the Hallmark Movie ending, but writer's choice. Well done.

Thank you for a most entertaining story!

I really enjoyed this series, however I have a quibble with one line:

“My heart hammered in my chest and I wistfully wished I had known her at the peak of her womanhood”

Once you reach sixty, you realize that women don’t become fascinating until they reach 40, and then with each year they become even more fascinating and sexier. Elza is 50 in your story so she IS at the very peak of her womanhood. If Erik had known her earlier she would have been a half-formed version of the woman she was to become.

Loved it

Usually never like a RAAC story, This was an exception. Based on the fact that they weren't married at the time of break up and no vows were broken. She was immature and lost years due to her self centered lifestyle. Having kids changes people and really makes the priorities change. Unless the person is a total waste of skin.

He got his revenge but never really did anything that was meant to damage or hurt. Even in their interactions he never pushed further than she needed. I understand the Rebecca character and since it was started and accepted prior to the relationship becoming permanent I can see it working. It wasn't open becoming more and I really feel he loved them both. Don't expect Elza to ever be more than a very close friend and possible grandmother figure to the girls and future children. Hopefully she meets someone to spend her days and nights with that is worthy of her.

All in all a very good story and fun to spend time with. Based on some of the shit that gets posted here i.e. cuck, simp, beta and other stupid and completely unacceptable stories on men allowing these things to happen to them. Lets be real no "MAN" would every put up with it. These new metro what ever boys that are around now are not men they are punks and deserve no respect or tolerance. They are a disgrace to the gene pool.

Your story stand head and shoulders above the majority or shit posted . I would include you in the handful of writers that rarely disappoint and always entertain. 5 stars for this one.

Really enjoyed the whole series x well done

Two pages too long

It became boring

Great story, keep writing!

What a story! Well done! Personally one of my favorites to date.

Grand story with an enjoyable ending. Though agree with other comments that Elsa and Rebecca becoming god parents to twin is a good thought.

Just commenting on the whole work - I liked all chapters and thought it well developed and written. Looks like there could be more to tell about Ray. Thanks for the hard work.

Great story from beginning to the end.

Don't worry what those arsehats say. You write goodly.

Five ⭐️ stars

Loved it-- believable characters and hot love story! Looking forward to your next works!

Meh ending. Ray comes out as the only winner.... has his $$ offshore, no penalty for statutory rape, no penalty for attempted murder.

MC is "contracted" into a relationship - which on the surface is to his "benefit" but doesn't really resolve the emotional damage his cheating bitch inflicted

You did a very nice job. I'm not much for reconciliation so it wasn't my kind of ending, but well written. Medical information got a bit tedious but that is a small detail. Wish he'd been smart enough to see the better potential with Elza than cheater Shannon. Oh well...

Great job - please continue writing. Don't worry too much about the "haters" - keep doing what you love and allow the rest of us to share in the product!

Just couldn't resist turning this into a RAAC story could you?

I loved and enjoyed it. I'm also glad that I waited until all 6 parts were written, so I could read it all the way thru (just makes for a better read). You did a good job with it, and I was hooked to keep reading it, part by part. I'll have to read your other works, but it'll be hard to top this one. I thought it had it all from a cheating fiancee to a lover, to two lovers at the same time, to an older lover, to back where he started. Finding out her ex-husband had cheated on her with an under age girl, and she had a kid with him before they started/finalized the divorce trumped the pre-nupt, and put it in her favor. Then finding out the building inspector was on the ex-husband's payroll was a nice touch. Corrupt civil servants are why things like stadium roofs collapse, killing innocent people. The story itself ran the gamut of things happening both in the foreground and the background. That made things interesting for the reader. I really liked it and enjoyed the read. It was something different and I feel that you put it in the right place, as we needed a break from the standard cheating wife-cuckold stories this forum has been flooded with lately.

I loved the overall story but this on could have lost 3 pages and you never would have known it.

I still haven't seen a satisfactory examination of Shannon's betrayal.

This was cute and erotic but didn't answer needed questions.

Very nicely done, Nick. I enjoyed reading about and agonizing with the characters. The only negative comment really long descriptions of culinary adventures. Good job!

Clever, sexy and satisfying!

Really enjoyed it. Thought Erik was an idiot for dumping Shannon, after going through all of his own personal discovery into their past feelings and put his relationship with Reb in jeopardy. But, an author can always count on the out of the blue car accident or shooting, to get the MC to see the light. Nice effort.

A decent plot idea, but the execution was wordy, tedious and often obnoxious. I think there are a lot of people who liked it, so congratulations. But you might want to remember, based on volume of sales, the best food in the world can be had at McDonald's.

First 2 pages (of the 5) were good. Story would have been much, much better if he and Elza stayed together.

He was not married to Shannon, was not engaged to Shannon, they were only boyfriend/girlfriend when they broke up. Makes no sense that he loves her forever after all that time.

Like others, I have been hooked on this, too. I loved every character, except Hollis whom you made me hate! Plenty of real world pragmatism where it made sense which made this all more delightful. Thank you for the treat. I hope it’s not the last. Cool thing to do for your wife, by the way.

What a wonderful ending chapter. Two flawed people finally brought together. Beautifully written. I am not completely certain about the second deal, but it did make me smile as I read it! I was not happy with chapter 4’s ending as I thought that was the end of the story. Then this chapter was posted. The story turned out to be the romance that it was worked up to be and I loved it. Thank you, and keep writing.

Far too long for what it was.As for the ending,I find the overnight feeling for Shannon a bit abrupt.

Enjoyed the story! Had me watching daily for the next chapter. Worth the wait.

Great first effort, some of your writing is sublime & transcendent. The superhero main character is a tried and true trope, and gets old after a while. Cut down the sex scenes too(number and length).

Overall giving you 5 Stars. The only thing really lacking is letting Ray get away. If Ray would have been sent to jail for life and lost all his finances would have been a BTB against Ray. The reconciliation was well done and fit the characters. Dealing with Ray is the only major flaw in a great story.

Thank you for the story!

I liked the beginning. I like liked middle part where the characters were artfully crafted, the angst between the MC and supporting cast was developed. Then I liked the writer presented the ending just the way he liked, and did it well.

I predict that this will become a popular author on this site until a paying gig snaps up his writing skills.

detroitdave

Troglodytes abound and can get rough. Best to not put too much energy into their comments.

It was well written, it was a tad off the beaten path (hoora!) and a good story telling to the bargain.

Thank you!

I would have liked to see Erik get some profound pain and suffering….but truth be told, how you handled it is far more realistic than most. Bastrds with the means can often escape any form of justice before the machichinery spools up to capture them.

Thanks for a good read!

Letting the murderous raper of minors Ray off with "eh, who cares about him" was pretty bad for the story. Pretty corny with the contract and tattoo as well. Overall, I give the series 2.5/5

It is erotic & very readable… 5* from me.

I've always been a sucker for love stories and this is now in my favorites.

You said this was your tribute to Rehnquist, but I saw the great Qhml1's wonderful 'Boston to Birmingham' story with Gwen fighting her guts out to win her love Hardy

Back after losing him, and then he gets almost killed and recovers!! You're on the right track for sure! Maybe a bit wordy but this was a great tale of epic proportions. Truly a fantastic first story!!

Mg

Your wife must love it when you clean her up after scores of men use her. Is this your way of telling her you need to suck more cum from her? I wonder if she'll get it.

Wait, i think i get it! This story IS a cry for help! You want, no need to do the same things the cunt in your story did to other men, only you're too ashamed (which you should be) to ask your wife directly. Yep, you're a fluffing cucky wimpy cum dumpster!

You're like Jerry from Rick and Morty and your wife can absolutely do better than you.

I don’t begrudge you your effort as you’ve obviously put a lot of thought into it. That said, I don’t feel that you've added anything beyond what the original story provided. The original was succinct while getting the message across, effectively. - Your “Erik” did a lot of waffling and didn’t really make any attempt to get over himself. Yes, you developed him more deeply, but not in a good way, I feel. I do acknowledge your effort, but this came across as a self-serving project. As I reader, I prefer the original.

One reader wrote: Don't worry what those" arsehats" say? Another idiot narcissist that thinks only his opinion counts. You'll find them on every comment section idiots that think highly only of themselves and their opinion. We know people like that don't we? As to story, entertaining, although I didn't think to much of having a contract. If you love somebody one doesn't need a contract.