The Despero Intersection

"As you wish."

Fire's eyes opened wide.

"Wow. That's better. That's a LOT better!"

**************************************

"Jeez... What did you cook? A mastodon?" Oberon asked in disbelief. When Kilowog decided to cook, the leftovers could feed the rest of them for a week. But this seemed to hint that he may have been dieting previously. "I didn't even know we had pots this big."

"It's for her, you know," Kilowog answered. "She really needs to put some weight on."

*******************************************

Princess Diana was nude, as she often was when alone, down on the carpeted floor, legs spread out casually in a 180 degrees stretch, her torso bent forward at the waist, back arched, as she leaned on her elbows, reading with interest the copy of Tsu Tzun's ART OF WAR open on the floor before her. She wondered if Maxwell Lord could help her get a copy in the original Mandarin language.

As she heard the knocking on the door, she rose up in one single, fluid motion. With thoughtless grace, she took from a chair a white T-shirt and denim shorts, and slid them on, before striding to the door.

"Oh, hello, Oberon."

"Uh, he-hello, Princess," Oberon stammered, looking up, hands discreetly on his lap.

*Oh, boy. She's not wearing a bra.*

"Diana," she reminded him, with a smile.

"Diana, yes. Dinner'll be ready inna short while," he said, trying to find something to look at on his shoes without seeming rude. "I, uh, everyone, was wondering if you'd join us."

**************************************

"Damn. She's not wearing a bra," Beetle whispered, immediately zooming in on the image on the corridor's monitor screen.

"She clearly doesn't need a bra," Booster added, awed.

"Those are the air conditioning controls. Yeah, those. See if you can make it colder in there.*

**************************************

"Oh, yes. Thank you. I'll be glad to," Diana answered. "Just let me get dressed less casually."

**************************************

"NO! NO! NO!"

"YOU'RE FINE LIKE THAT!"

"YOU BET SHE'S FINE!"

"OH, CRAP! DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR!"

"Damn..." breathed out Beetle.

"Damn..." agreed Booster.

"We need to get cameras on that room."

"Shit, man! She must be changing right now. She may even be about to shower!"

"Hum..."

"Hum what?"

"I still have the mini-cam they took off Fire's shower."

"So, what are you thinking about?"

"You remember Porky's, and all those sexploitation flicks?"

"I know my classics. So?"

**************************************

Oberon walked down the corridor, wiping sweat off his wide forehead.

*Somebody really has to tell that girl that she needs looser clothing. MUCH looser clothing.*

He stopped, startled, as he heard a loud noise somewhere to his right.

*The linen closet?*

He tried to open the door but it was locked. He frowned, and scratched behind his left ear. He did not remember locking it. With a shrug, he went on. Surely no self-respecting supervillain would hide in the linen closet.

*Hopefully it ain't that damned cat, making a mess again.*

**************************************

Fire tried hard to catch her breath, holding on with effort to the shelves, rumpled sheets and towels scattered all around her, drenched with her sweat.

Her legs felt about to cramp.

"Oh-My-God," she gasped in Portuguese, looking down in disbelief. "You're still hard?"

"Yes. Shouldn't I?"

"No-no! I'm not complaining! Just let me get my second wind...! Is everyone on New Genesis like this?"

**************************************

"Beetle, do you copy me?"

"Shut the fuck up!" whispered Beetle. "The volume control's busted. You almost took my ear off."

"Position?"

"What do you think this is? Mission Impossible? I'm now over the drop ceiling. The bathroom is right below."

"Is she in?"

"Nope. Empty," Beetle replied on his mask-mounted mike, trying to hold on to the utility piping while removing a mini-drill from his tool belt. "I'm drilling through the ceiling. Ok. Placing the camera. Check the range."

"Ok. I have a clear view. Good work. Now get outta there."

"Going. Ouch!"

"What?"

"Hit my head. Damn, why did I have to this instead of you?"

"I can't even program the VCR, remember? Besides, don't Beetles crawl through cracks and things?"

"I'll crawl up your crack if you don't pipe down. OWWW! Shit! Hit an elbow."

"What about proportionate Beetle strength and agility?"

"It's just a costume, you moron. You're thinking about the Spider guy in the comics."

"Oh, yeah. The one with a supermodel wife he leaves alone at night."

"AH! Sucker!" both said at once.

**************************************

"Diana, could we talk for a minute?" said J'onn J'onzz, catching up with Wonder Woman near the stairs. "In private?"

"Sure," answered Diana, raising an eyebrow. "Is there any problem?"

J'onn glanced at her. She had her long hair in a simple ponytail, and was wearing plain sandals, denim jeans that fit loose around her waist yet were tight around her muscular thighs and buttocks, and a flowing white loose blouse to accommodate her full bust and wide back.

*She is not wearing a brassiere.*

"Um, not yet.. not really. There's just something I'd like to discuss, a somewhat personal matter..."

"Oh, alright. Should we go back to my room?"

J'onn blinked twice.

"Uh, the meeting room will do better, I think."

**************************************

"It's too late. She must have gone in before you got it set," Booster said. "Search the corridors instead."

"Wait! Door's opening!"

The screen showed a figure walk in, wearing only a thong-like bottom, and sporting a reddish bowl-haircut.

"THAT'S GARDNER, YOU IDIOT! YOU FUCKED UP! YOU GOT THE WRONG BATH!

"Oh, shit."

"YOU SUCK!"

"OH, YEAH? YOU GET UP THERE NEXT TIME!"

"YOU BET I'LL...! - Wait, what's Guy doing?"

"Let me zoom in," Beetle said, grumbling. "He's... Oh, man."

"That's pathetic..."

"Lousy technique, too."

"Is that BIG JUGS magazine?"

"Why, I didn't figure you for a connoisseur."

"Turn that off, man. It sickens me."

"I dunno, it's got car wreck appeal. What's that he's doing now-? OH, MAN! LOOK AT THAT!"

"AGH, GROSS!"

"THAT'S SICK!"

"I think I'm gonna barf..."

"Man, I thought nothing Gardner did could ever surprise me, but..."

"You are recording this, right?"

"You bet."

**************************************

"So your metahuman powers are mystically based?"

"The gods of Olympus blessed me at birth," Diana explained. "Demeter, Hestia, Aphrodite, Artemis, Palas Athena, and Hermes gave me gifts of power: strength, speed, flight, endurance, to be used upon need."

"You need to call on these 'gifts', then?"

"I will them into action, yes. Some, like resistance to injury, I have learned to summon automatically."

"These are all physical manifestations," J'onn said, thoughtfully. "But my understanding is that the entities of the Greek Pantheon also represented other qualities."

"Yes, of course. So?"

"Have you noticed that men behave oddly around you, Diana?"

Diana frowned. "Most of men's behavior seems odd to me, J'onn. Stupid and self-destructive. That is why I'm here in Patriarch's World, after all."

"Yes, but... Well, I meant..." J'onn began, seeking the right words. "Have you noticed that men react very strongly to you - physically...?"

"Oh! Sexually, you mean?"

J'onn felt his face turn warm. "Um, yes."

"Of course I notice it," Diana replied, smiling. "I found it baffling at first, even embarrassing. But I'm getting used to it. Why?"

"Don't you find it strange?"

"Mother warned me that Men had only one thing in mind," she shrugged. "For such a simplistic generalization, it was quite accurate. It's rather humorous, really."

"But you realize that not all women produce such an effect?"

"Isn't that normal, too? Being somewhat more attractive than the average person is what makes most celebrities popular, no?" Diana said. "I'm told that my appearance falls within those parameters currently deemed aesthetically pleasing, so I assume that also may make me sexually desirable, no?"

"Uh, yes... It does."

"So? Is that wrong?"

"No, but..."

"Should people be ashamed of gifts they were born with? Should geniuses hide their intelligence? Are you ashamed of your powers, J'onn?"

"No."

"So people like how I look? It doesn't bother me. It's hardly relevant to my goals, so it's just a frivolous concern, isn't it?"

"I suppose.."

"I appreciate physical beauty myself, but it is hardly essential. There are many attributes of much greater importance, even regarding sexuality."

"Well..."

"Appearance is really very overestimated in this image-fixated culture. I mean, why would the size of my breasts ensure that I was a better sexual partner?"

"Uh, good question..." mumbled J'onn.

"Penis size is much more directly related to actual sexual intercourse, and while I do find such a quality arousing, neither is it a certain guarantee of good sex."

"Ah.. eh..." J'onn began, floundering for words.

"I suspect that many of man's problems stem from such absurd valorizations. Frustrated desires follow misguided priorities. It all may produce the increased territorial behavior and irrationality that leads to most violence. Don't you find it so?"

"Ah... Well," J'onn said. "I had never thought you would be so outspoken on these matters, Diana."

"J'onn, you have an outsider's view, as I do. Surely you too can see the narrowmindness of most of the cultural mores of Man's World."

"Yes, but..."

"You do have a very attractive body yourself. Big, powerfully built, with beautiful symmetry. And you have many other attributes equally attractive, like nobility, intelligence..." Diana said, casually, while J'onn felt the room suddenly become very, very hot. "I, or any other woman, can easily desire you sexually. Has this ever bothered you?"

J'onn was speechless for an instant, before mumbling: "No, but..."

"It doesn't bother me, either," Diana concluded with a smile.

"Ahem... There's precisely where I wanted to arrive... Ah, not at that you may..." he added hastily. "I mean, I can see that you are have many, ah, physical assets any human would appreciate, as well as admirable spiritual qualities, but as a Martian I have no physical interest in Earth females, yet..."

"You don't?" Diana asked, frowning. "Curious. You seem so human-like anatomically. Does Martian sex also involve penetration and internal fertilization?"

"Yes... It is a similar act, mostly."

"And is sex also practiced among your kind for pleasure as well as for reproduction?"

"Yes, but Diana, this is digressing..."

"I understand that being from another planet, you are biologically a different species, so you could not miscegenate with Earth women, but you do look so much more compatible than Earthly creatures with whom interspecies sex is physically possible, procreation aside."

*That certainly falls into the 'way too much information' header,* J'onn thought nervously.

"You have never felt any sexual interest in your League teammates?"

"What?"

"Ice has a very fetching, delicate beauty, and Fire has an earthly, primal sexuality that is hard to ignore. I think both are very attractive. You have never wondered...?"

"Never!" said J'onn, shocked, both by her question, and by the surprising realization that the idea of Diana with another woman seemed strangely appealing.

"Are we biologically repulsive to you?"

"I didn't mean that!" J'onn said. "I'm just not interested in women."

"Oh, so you prefer men?"

"No, it is the same thing," J'onn sighed. He was getting a sizable headache. "What I mean is that I shouldn't feel any attraction towards any Earthling at all, yet I do. Now."

"Now? Oh," Diana said, raising an eyebrow as she looked slightly down. "Oh. I see."

J'onn crossed his legs, self-consciously placing his hands on his lap.

"Yes, and it worries me."

"Why? Is it a bad thing?" Diana asked, smiling like it certainly failed to look like a bad thing to her.

"It means that there is some kind of influence affecting my mind."

"But isn't that how it all normally works, no?"

"It shouldn't work on me. Or on Kilowog."

"Kilowog? The big, big one? Him, too?"

"Yes."

Diana arched her eyebrows. "Oh. Interesting."

"You mentioned that among those who endowed you with paranormal powers, was Aphrodite, no? The Greek goddess of love and beauty?"

"Yes. Are you thinking-?"

"That you may have received from this entity um, more extensive gifts that just apparent physical beauty." J'onn explained. "There may be some kind of paranormal coercive field that affects all living beings around you, perhaps through passive, traceless mental suggestion, since pheromones would be less effective on non-humans."

"Well, that could explain some things," Diana said, thoughtfully, before smiling at some inner recollection. "So, why is this a problem?"

"Excuse me?"

"Why does this trouble you?

"It doesn't bother you?"

"Among my tasks in Man's World, is helping to promote love among man. My powers are for better achieving my tasks," Diana said, standing up. "If Aphrodite found convenient to give such a harmless gift, why should I question it?"

"Harmless?" J'onn asked standing up. He thought better of it, and sat down back again. "Diana, surely you cannot feel at ease knowing that. Temptation can be truly disturbing to those around you."

"I understand, J'onn. But you need not worry," said Diana, walking towards the door. "I will not stay with the League longer than needed. My work is my priority."

"Diana, that is not what I tried to-"

"But you know what the poet and playwright Wilde said regarding temptation, no?" she asked at the door, with a smile.

"What?"

"That to banish it, it must be indulged."

And then the sprinklers turned on again.

**************************************

"OH, GREAT! So now we're out of sheets, too!" Oberon said, soaking wet.

**************************************

PART FIVE: LOVE AND MARRIAGE...

"Do you think that Scott...? You know..."

"Naah. He's too nice to fool around, and Barda really has him by the short hairs," Booster said. "He must've touched Fire's butt by accident and she freaked out. That boy needs to be properly taught the exact art of accidental butt touching."

"Yeah, Obi-Wan."

"Anyway, I think Scott has enough woman at home to keep him busy. Lucky guy must need every bit of energy available to keep that girl happy."

"I dunno. Barda's a bit hard for my taste," Beetle said. "Great tits and all, sure, but I'd be nervous with a woman who could easily beat me up every night."

"Didn't you use to pay for that sort of thing?"

**************************************

The small, shingle-roofed, two-bedroom house was unremarkable in every way. Even the obsessively clean and ordered lawn hinted at nothing more than the typical concerns of suburbia. There was nothing to indicate that the place was home to illegal aliens, and not precisely south-of-the-border ones.

Scott Free's figure materialized inside the clear Plexiglas tube of the JLI transporter. The high-tech teleportation device was located inside the kitchen's pantry, since it interfered with TV reception if placed in the living room.

He looked around with clear puzzlement before he realized that he was in a small storage area, and stepped out into the kitchen, wondering why did everyone insist in his being inside similar small, closed quarters.

He was dressed in borrowed white loafers, faded jeans, a Grateful Dead T-shirt, and a pink windbreaker. Blue Beetle had insisted that such a combination would reflect highly on his discriminating taste.

"Honey. I'm home," he said, as the records of Earth customs indicated he should.

The dark-haired woman who entered the kitchen, easily a head taller than him, reacted with obvious surprise. Maybe the blue velvet cowboy hat had been too much, he considered.

"Scott, dear! I thought you were out of town! You said you would call!"

"Long distance calls are not covered."

The woman rushed and hugged him with barely less strength than an hydraulic metal compactor, her thick, heavily muscled arms easily lifting him in her embrace, crushing him against her large breasts.

"Did anything go wrong at the tour? I told you to fire that incompetent agent."

"Everything is under control."

"Why are you dressed like that? You lost a bet with those two jerks again?"

"You do not like it?"

Barda knew that in Apokolips, someone wearing that would be shot on sight and then thrown to the Hounds. Or the other way around. Her eyes narrowed, the Apokolipsian soldier displacing the loving wife in an instant. "What the fuck happened? How come your eyebrows are gone?"

"There was a fire."

"Darkseid's piss! Did you get hurt? Let me look at you!"

"Only my costume was damaged."

"Did Blue Beetle and Booster Gold perish horribly?"

"No."

"Ah, well, next time, perhaps..."

"I came to retrieve another costume. There were none at the Embassy."

"OF COURSE! You could not drop by just to see me, could you? After all, I'm only your wife! AAARH! You men are all the same!"

He blinked, examining the options available, as she left the room in clear anger. Having the wife angry was not convenient. The woman called Fire had also been very angry, yet she had calmed down after engaging in sexual activity. Learning from experience was most useful in these situations.

Wasting no time, he proceeded to disrobe.

**************************************

"OH-MY-GOD! OH-MY-GOD! OH-MY-GOD!"

"Mister Free! I'm Eugene Jacobs from across the street. Please open up!"

He could hear the voices coming from the house, so he knew they were in. This time they would get a piece of his mind. Sure, Brutus had done his business again on their lawn, but what kind of people could throw a poor, defenseless, Great Dane right across the street to land on the garage roof?

"OH-MY-GOD! YES! YES! OH-MY-GOD!"

"Mister Free! All this screaming is truly intolerable!" he called out after further knocking and ringing the doorbell produced no results. He cared not if they were in the middle of some born-again Christian thing. He had to get an apology.

"GO AWAY!"

That had to be the wife. He usually heard her shouting at least once a day. The language on that woman was abominable.

"MISTER FREE! OPEN UP!"

"GO AWAY, DAMN IT!"

"I DEMAND AN APOLOGY!"

"FUCK OFF!"

"What-? FUCK YOU!" he countered in indignation. "OPEN UP, LADY! I DON'T CARE HOW MANY STEROIDS THE NEIGHBORS SAY YOU DO! YOU CANNOT SCARE-!"

The door suddenly opened with a power that almost ripped off his hairpiece through air suction. Standing in the door was Barda, wearing nothing but sweat and a very angry expression.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?"

Eugene Jacobs's mind was sent back decades, to a time when everything was too big and complex to understand, and his parents were the biggest and scariest people in the world. He tried to speak, but his mouth had better survival instincts than the rest of him, and it remained wisely shut.

"BY DARKSEID'S FARTS, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? AREN'T YOU ARE THE OWNER OF THAT SHIT-SPILLING DOG!"

Unfortunately, his eyes and hands had their own little death wish, so while his eyes glanced about, unsure of whether to stare at the large round breasts heaving inches before and above his face, or at the perfectly shaven pubis crowning the two marble pillars of her legs, his hands decided to reach out and touch both to help with the decision.

Hours later, the fire department brought him down from his garage roof.

**************************************

"Holy shit..." mumbled Oberon.