The Devil's Bargain Ch. 08

THE DEVIL'S BARGAIN Chapter 8

"Would you go out with me again?" said Lisa. "For real, this time?"

I'd been expecting that question. Not right at that moment, though. Lisa had taken care of Freya while I went to the Bahamas with Aarti, and again when I went to Calgary to see Holly. On both occasions, she had turned down money, and asked for a 'practice' date. Now that I was no longer seeing Aarti, I wasn't planning to ask such a major favour of Lisa again.

I suspected that she had some kind of crush on me. But I thought that it was some sort of idealized, 'from a distance' thing, built on the fact that she'd known me for half of her life, and that I'd tutored her.

Lisa had done me a hundred favours. When Connie first got sick, there was a big winter storm. I stopped at her Mom's place, to shovel her driveway. It took a couple of hours before I could get home. And there were George and his teenage daughter, shovelling my driveway.

I thanked them - profusely - and offered Lisa some money, which she refused. I tried to insist, but she persisted in turning me down.

Then she became my go-to person for looking after Freya. I leaned on her heavily when my wife was sick, and even more when Connie passed away. Then I called on Lisa again when I started seeing Holly and Monica, and Aarti. Given the sheer number of hours she had invested in helping me, I had to be a pretty incredible guy.

Standing in front of my house, though, I drew a blank. What should I say? I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but it would be unwise (and unfair to Lisa) to give her any encouragement.

- "I don't think that's such a good idea." I said.

- "Oh?" she said. "Have you thought about it?"

Damn. Lisa was quite calm. It was almost as if she had expected me to say something like that. I was off-balance, and unprepared for this conversation, whereas she seemed ready to win a debate. I played for time.

- "I, ah... I have to go over to Connie's Mom's place. Could we talk about this another time? Tomorrow, maybe?"

- "Whenever you like."

- "Tomorrow after... morning?"

- "Around noon? I can do that." she said.

- "Okay. We'll talk then."

Phew. I had twenty-four hours to collect my thoughts, and prepare my arguments.

Mom was surprised to see me, because she hadn't specifically asked me to do anything. I swept out her garage, and gave it a thorough cleaning. In the process, I found some relics from the 18th century and even a few from the Pleistocene Era. I've heard of pack-rats, and compulsive hoarders, but this was ridiculous. I pulled out a few boxes from the very back, which looked like they hadn't been disturbed in a decade. Then a few more. I put them all in the trunk of my car, and took them to the municipal Waste Disposal Centre.

I got home in time to feed Freya, and take her for a walk. I was still trying to organize my thoughts. So far, what I had looked like this:

- the age difference. I'm 44 (nearly 45), she's 22.

- I've been working for almost twenty years. She's a student.

- Life experience. With that kind of age gap, what could we possibly have in common?

- Her parents. I loved George and Anna, and owed them a great deal. How could I do this to them?

I didn't sleep well. I was re-hashing my arguments, and trying to predict hers. I didn't have to 'win' outright; a draw would be enough. I just had to convince her that it wasn't going to happen.

I was a bit sluggish Sunday morning. I took Freya for her early constitutional, thankful that the old girl wasn't quite as energetic anymore. She still needed entertainment and stimulation, but she was definitely slowing down a bit.

My thoughts were more scattered than I would have liked. This was like some kind of exam. I briefly considered making an excuse, to postpone meeting Lisa. But that wouldn't have been fair to her, and I really just wanted this over with, one way or another. One sleepless night is more than enough.

She was at my door at 11:59.

- "Hello." she said.

- "Hi. Come on in."

Freya's greeting was much more enthusiastic. What a traitor! Lisa gave the dog her full attention for sixty seconds, and then ordered Freya to sit, and to lie down.

- "Coffee? Tea?" I asked.

- "Could I have a glass of water, please?"

I couldn't delay the inevitable much longer. She had water, while I had a coffee - my third of the day (not my normal habit). Lisa started the ball rolling.

"You were going to explain why you don't want to go out on a real date with me."

- "It's not that I don't want to. I mean, I'm very flattered." I said. Oops! That wasn't a very solid start. "It's more that... we shouldn't. I mean, I can't. Lisa, the age difference is ridiculous. I'm literally twice your age."

- "I know." she said. "But my father is fond of pointing out that your last few girlfriends have been much younger,too. He's been living vicariously through you. I'm sure that he's told you so."

Less than a minute into the conversation, and I'd been thrown to the mat. Holly was 28 when I used the phrases on her. Monica was 26.

- "Uh... Aarti was 33 when we met." I got out.

- "And the others were closer to my age?"

This was going very badly. I veered off script.

- "Lisa - the age difference is... enormous. What would people say? They'd think that I was dating my daughter." Even as I said it, I remembered Monica's old flame asking if I was her Dad. It hadn't bothered me enough to make me stop having sex with her.

Lisa merely shook her head. "I could care less." she said. "Why do you think I gave you 'Stranger in a Strange Land'? I wondered if you'd be offended - but you weren't, were you?"

- "This is... different. This is real life, Lisa."

- "And have you always led your life by what people expected of you?"

Shit. She was killing me - with logic. Weren't women supposed to be more emotional? I had to get back to my game plan.

- "That may sound good to you. But the fact is, we're both at very different points in our lives. You're a student; I'm a widower who's been working twenty years."

- "We're both single." she said. "Neither of us is in a committed relationship."

- "That's not what I meant. I'm talking about life experience. People closer in age have more things in common."

Lisa just shook her head. "Like your last three girlfriends, Dan? And correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that you enjoyed our 'practice' dates. I know that I did."

She had me again. Lisa was just killing me with these rational observations. Connie had never argued this way. I was well on the way to being trounced and pinned. I had nothing left in my arsenal but the big guns.

- "I just... I couldn't do this to your parents, Lisa."

She didn't even flinch. She'd seen my big haymaker coming, and calmly side-stepped it.

- "I'm not asking you to date my parents, Dan."

- "That's not what I mean, and you know it. They would hate me if..."

- "You may not have meant it quite the way it sounded, but you wouldn't be 'doing' anything to my parents. Going out on a date with you isn't going to spoil my marriage prospects, or make me a social outcast. My father likes you. I've already said that he enjoys living vicariously through you. But he also admires you as a person. Your integrity, your responsibility, your dependability. I grew up listening to him holding you up as a model of virtue. I know that he would be... surprised, if we were dating. But my Dad has always hoped that I would become the Mother Superior of some convent in the mountains, like in 'The Sound of Music'. So he'll have to get used to me being with any male."

I didn't know what to say to that.

"My mother also admires you." she continued. "But she understands me better. In fact, she encouraged me to ask you out. Better to find out now, she said, than to wait and wonder. She also suggested that you might not be single for long."

Now I was completely flummoxed. I had fired all off all my heavy artillery, used up all of my ammunition. I had no answer to her arguments. Monica was all of five years older than Lisa. And my dear little neighbour was right: I had enjoyed our dates. I couldn't deny that. Holly had refused to go out with me in public. Monica and I were on different pages, and Aarti was just... kooky. But I'd felt perfectly at ease with Lisa.

The biggest obstacle wasn't just age - it was the fact that I liked and respected her parents. I was worried: how would they feel about their 22 year old daughter dating a 44 year old widower? But now Lisa was flipping that narrative on me.

She was still calm, unruffled. She'd had exactly one whole sip from the glass of water I brought her. Where did this unbelievable self-control come from?

- "Can I ask you a question?" she said. I just nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

"How do you feel about me?"

There it was.

How could I answer that?

She was bright, responsible, dependable - yes, I realized that those were words her father used to describe me. I'd been categorizing or pigeon-holing Lisa for years. The neighbours' daughter. My dog-walker. The kid I tutored. But she wasn't 'Little Lisa' anymore.

She was 5'7" or so, and slender. She was undeniably pretty, even if I'd been doing my best to ignore that fact.

- "Dan." she said. "I saw that you had a girlfriend. And then two. I was jealous, for a very brief moment. Then I thought of 'Stranger in a Strange Land'. I don't want to possess you. You've had a life before me - relationships, a marriage, love and pain, and loss. You're right that I can't compare to your life experience. But I just... I just want to be a part of your life - to be close to you while I can."

- "While you can?" That sounded ominous. "You're not -"

- "No - no. I'm not sick. Nothing like that. But I've decided to go the academic route. I'm starting the Masters program this Fall. That should take a year... a year and a half, tops. After that I'll have to go somewhere else for my PhD."

- "Somewhere else?

- "U Vic. Or U of T. Actually, I'm pretty sure that I don't want to go there. Dalhousie is another possibility." (U Vic is in Victoria, British Columbia. U of T is the University of Toronto. Dalhousie is in Halifax, Nova Scotia)

- "How long would that be?" I only knew that for mechanical engineering, it would be four to six years after a Masters.

- "Four or five years." said Lisa. "That's why I want to pick the right spot. But... it's also why I'm asking you out now. I'm pretty sure that if I wait, it'll never happen."

She had skillfully parried all of my objections, and then steered me back to the original question. Well... if at first, you don't succeed - ask for more time. I knew that she was hoping for an answer, but when I told her that I needed to think it over, she was gracious enough to grant me an extension.

- "Can we talk again... tomorrow?" I said.

- "Alright."

She stood up, and gave Freya a little more attention. I'm mildly embarrassed to say that I watched her go. That is, I watched her ass as she left.             

Then I sat down on my couch, and put my head in my hands.

How had I gotten myself into this situation? Like so many scenarios, it wasn't a single action, but more a cumulative set of decisions that slowly built into an edifice.

No, that wasn't quite true. The simple fact of the matter was that I liked Lisa, and I wanted her to like me. I have to admit - I didn't like the idea of her going away. I'd never really considered the obvious: that Lisa wasn't going to live across the street from me, in her parents' house, until I was old and grey(er).

I didn't want to ruin her life. She was young, and deserved a young man who would love her for herself. I could admit - to myself, and to myself only - that I was attracted to her. But I didn't want to disappoint her. She'd built up some idealized version of me, which I wasn't sure that I could live up to.

I didn't want to disappoint her physically, either - but nor was I even remotely ready to use the magic phrases on her. That just seemed... wrong. But then I went off on a tangent: if it would be wrong with Lisa, why wasn't it wrong with Holly? Or Monica, or Aarti?

Why had I ever made that bargain with Tansa? And why was I so afraid of a relationship with Lisa? She was 22 - the same age I'd been when I left home and went out on my own. I'd been old enough to make major decisions: to move, to start a career, and to irrevocably cut ties with my family.

But I didn't want to alienate George and Anna.

Freya stood up, shook herself, and moved over to lie down at my feet, letting out a huffing sigh as she settled down again. She'd sensed my distress; this was her way of showing support.

Did Lisa's career plans make a difference? She was only going to be here for another year or so. Yes, I was over thinking the matter. I'm an engineer.

It was early afternoon. I hadn't gotten very far by sitting down and dwelling on the problem. It was time to do something different, and maybe clear my mind. Freya got a bonus walk, and then we attacked the dandelions in the backyard and skimmed the pool.

I drove over to Mom's to cut her grass, and then clean her pool. The physical activity didn't hurt, but I got no closer to figuring out what I was going to do. Only two things occurred to me: I admitted to myself that I had a weird sort of crush on Lisa, but I had trouble imagining a physical relationship between us, mostly because I'd long ago put on her on the no-fly list, alongside immediate family, nuns, and the wives or girlfriends of my friends.

Mom offered to feed me, but I begged off, and went to a modest restaurant where I ordered a club sandwich and fries. I needed the solitude, and the opportunity to let my mind wander. I got no closer to a decision.

Freya got her evening walk, and I started to worry about what I was going to say to Lisa. 'Don't hurt her' was still a little too vague; it certainly didn't constitute a plan of action.

Then I did something impulsive: I pulled out Aarti's Christmas gift - the deck of Tarot cards. Before that makes me sound too foolish, let me clarify something: I was thinking of what Marty (a friend in college) had told me. If you're stuck, trying to make a decision... flip a coin.

- "That's crazy!" I said.

- "Nah. Let's say I'm thinking something like 'Should I ask her out?'. Heads I do, tails I don't. So I flip, and it comes up tails. That's when I remember that a) she's hot, and b) fuck tails anyway. It's just a way to help me make up my mind."

So I poured myself a beer, and shuffled the deck. Aarti had gotten me a little book to go with the deck, describing the Celtic cross method of reading the cards (all because I had Scottish blood on my mother's side).

Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, cut, cut, cut. Ten cards, all spread around the card representing me. The first one I turned up made no sense. But then things started to get weird. The second card represented what was crossing (or opposing) me. That one signified retreat, or exile. I understood that immediately. If I said no to Lisa, my relationship with her (and with Anna) would never be the same. It was like me turning down a promotion.

The next card 'crowned' me, representing my hopes. It was the Ten of Cups. I read the description with a mounting sense of disbelief. 'Love and friendship; hope's desire'.

The next two cards were positive, but in that vague sort of way that could be related to virtually anything. But the sixth card - representing what lay ahead - was the Queen of Cups.

'A beautiful, loving woman, intuitive and yet practical. A happy marriage'.

Yes, I realize that this could describe most of the women on the planet (especially in their own opinion). But there was one kicker: Cups usually referred to a person with light brown hair and eyes. I leave it to you to guess Lisa's colouring.

No, I wasn't drunk (but I did get up and pour myself a second beer). The next card was supposed to represent my attitude on the matter. I drew The Hermit. Yes, it means withdrawal, meditation (and a host of other things so that you can make it fit just about any situation.

The next two cards made little sense, unless I interpreted one of them to mean that George would be pretty upset with me if I was... with his daughter. Maybe. The last card, representing the outcome, was the Knight of Pentacles. 'A responsible, patient, hard-working man'. Was that me? What kind of answer was that? (In case you're wondering, that was another random draw of cards).

But maybe - just maybe - Marty's method wasn't just madness. Aarti might be laughing at me, but the cards had actually helped. They made me think of something completely different: the advice Anna had given her daughter. How would I feel if I said 'No' to Lisa? How would I feel if I said 'Yes'?

I went to bed. I lay there with my eyes wide open, my mind re-playing all of the day's conversations, repeating all of the same thoughts. I didn't fall asleep for hours.

In the morning, after walking the dog, I took out a pad and pen, to make a list of pros and cons. Actually, I made two columns: Yes, and No.

Under the 'No', I wrote Age Difference, Social Acceptance, Work vs Student, George and Maria.

I put a question mark next to age difference. Then I crossed out Social Acceptance. My parents and my sister would have looked down on Monica for her vocabulary and her social class, just as they would have frowned at Aarti for the colour of her skin.

The fact that Lisa was a Grad student hardly mattered, if she was only going to be here for another year. It wasn't like we'd be planning to buy a house together, or start a family.

I looked at her parents' names for a while. They might not approve of her seeing an older man (although it sounded like Anna was already on board), but if I turned Lisa down, that could only make my relationship with the whole family awkward.

I hadn't written anything on the 'Yes' side. I knew what I was afraid of, and what I didn't want. I just wasn't so good at deciding what I did want.

But there were a few striking thoughts rattling around inside my skull.

It had taken courage for Lisa to say what she did. But she'd evidently given it a lot of thought; this was no spur of the moment impulse. And then there was one fact I couldn't quite get past: I hadn't used the magic phrases on her. Lisa was the first woman who genuinely wanted to be with me since my wife.

I called her.

- "Can you spare the time to join Freya and me for a short walk? I have an answer for you."

- "Evening walk okay?"

- "Perfect."

She wore track pants, running shoes, and a hoodie (we were getting a stretch of unseasonably cool weather). Freya was delighted to see her, and promptly began herding us, making sure that we stayed close together.

"I had a tough time deciding." I admitted, right off the bat. "I didn't want to hurt your feelings, or upset your parents."

Lisa didn't say anything. She just walked alongside me, and let me have my say.

"I like you. A lot. I'm afraid that I'm too old for you, and I think that you might be better off with someone closer to your own age. But you had the courage to tell me how you feel. And if I approach this from a purely selfish perspective... I'm curious to know what we might be. That's... a long-winded way of saying that I'd be happy to go out with you again."

Lisa just smiled, and kept walking beside me.

"I don't know where we're going." I continued. "Maybe a platonic friendship would be best for us. Maybe... I don't know. But I'm willing to try and find out."

Lisa smiled again. "Thank you, Dan."

- "So where do you want to go?" I asked her.

Lisa chose a Mexican restaurant near the university, which catered mostly to students. The prices were extremely reasonable (I guess they relied on volume to make a profit). The food was surprisingly good.