The Divine Gambit Ch. 14

Despite the difference in approach, the end result was much the same: A giggly, overjoyed, beautiful woman, laying boneless in the bed as her body tried to cope with the little death, the sheets and mattress coated in her release. She lay there, smiling at nothing and everything, and I could feel the connection between us growing. Literally, in the sense that her emotions became more precise in my mind, the depth and complexity of the information I received swelled, giving me a greater insight into how she felt.

As much as I desired to stay and cuddle and bask in the afterglow with her, I could see on the clock that it was almost time to head to the gym and that my alarm would go off soon. I disabled that as I walked to the bathroom, relieving myself and brushing my teeth. When I returned to the bedroom to dress, I saw Sam had rolled onto her side, slightly nudging her and Beth away from the wet spot she had created and intertwining their limbs as they found comfort in nestling with each other. Before I left, I gave them both quick kisses on the forehead, and even in their sleep, I felt the hint of appreciation echoing between us.

Going to the gym and dreading it was a troublesome experience. Obviously, some of that was inherent since I was dreading it, but mostly, it was strange how infrequently I hadn't wanted to go to the gym. Knowing that I would have to try and weasel an explanation from Zoey while there really soured my typical enthusiasm. It was challenging to get hyped up for some heavy lifts while remaining focused on what I wanted to ask Zoey.

Except that I apparently didn't need to remain focused. Zoey was waiting for me at the front desk, and after I scanned in, she grabbed my hand and brought me to the trainer's office. She sat on the edge of the desk, tapping her toe anxiously, while I slumped into the weary, worn-out faux leather chair. She wiggled the whole desk with her nervous tic for ten seconds before she raised her eyes to look at me. I was comfortable waiting -- if she wanted to grab this conversation by the horns and get us started, I would let her. Her action in dragging me here before offering even a greeting suggested she had something to say, but I could understand her reluctance now, fussing over finding the exact words needed to make her point.

Eventually, she steeled herself and firmly said, "I'm sorry."

"That's certainly a good start. It would help if I knew what you were apologizing for."

"For not believing you. For dragging you through all of that last night. For dancing around the issues without talking to you at all. For not listening to you, or Sam, or Mal, or my brother."

"Honestly, Zoey, given your concerns, talking to me at all seems like it could be a risk, and blindly listening to everyone else seems foolish when you're the only one who has to live with the consequences."

She sighed and shrugged, looking away from me as she explained. Once she started, it was as if she was unable to stop, releasing all of her concerns like a wave from a collapsing dam.

"That's not exactly it, though. I wanted you to be awful. I wouldn't have to feel like I had missed an opportunity by millimeters, like I had spent five years searching to find someone I already knew. I wouldn't have missed anything if what you were was just a cleverly designed lie looking to manipulate me. If something seems too good to be true, that's almost always because it is. What were the odds that, just as I start thinking about giving up all my hope of ever finding my mate, someone I knew as a kid shows up out of the blue and is him? Someone who was my brother's friend, so I know he isn't an absolute douche? Someone I was friendly with and had talked about some of my issues with? Someone who listened to me, heard what I was saying, and didn't just see me as a dumb girl who needed ADHD meds and stricter parents? It made me question if all of that had been a lie, a setup, a scheme to twist my opinion of you, and now you had come to collect.

"But I couldn't figure out why. Yeah, I'm part of the Seat's security corps, but it's not like I'm particularly integral here. I'm not very high up anymore, and I have the lowest clearances nowadays. My position now is to individually train the active security team to ensure their physical preparedness, to know how to get the most out of each and every agent so that they can be their best, and to warn the higher-ups if someone has any issues. If you wanted to influence a security agent, you're far too late to get the most out of me. And then I saw you didn't even need to do that because Aisling shows up out of the blue at the end of your shifting and flying lesson to talk to you personally. Paranoid thoughts about exploiting my connections to hurt the Seat disappear when I find out you're already on a first-name basis with her.

"So, when I couldn't deduce anything with the information I had, I set up a recon mission for some of my friends, set out to prove that you were a tyrant from the start. I got them to tease and provoke you all night long, intent on agitating you to your breaking point. I posed as drinking more than normal, going a lot harder than normal, to make myself seem vulnerable. So that, at the end of the night, after my friends had tormented you for hours, I could show up alone and drunk, get you to overstep the boundaries, and expose you as the fiend you were, abusing the two poor girls captured by your guile and make a huge name for myself at the same time. It would be so convenient for me, tie up everything nicely and avoid any emotional entanglement. I could be right and the star, just like old times.

"Of course, during the night, I interrogated Beth and Sam. It turns out that, no, you weren't exploiting them and abusing them and holding them against their will -- you were empowering them, providing for them, and giving them exactly what they wanted, even when you weren't perfectly comfortable yourself. They told me about what you've done and how they can feel you through your soul connection, and Beth told me how terrified you were about the possibility of controlling her. She asked for advice on how I dealt with my wolf, so that she could better comfort you. They both told me stories of how they hadn't been forthright with you and had twisted your idea of them so they could get what they wanted at your expense.

"And you know what? During that time, my wolf was offended, insisting that these traitorous bitches didn't deserve to lay at your feet. These manipulative, lying skanks weren't worthy of being yours. And then she pointed out that I didn't either. I had acted just like them, thinking only about myself and what would be convenient for me and make me feel good and help me.

"So when it came time to enact my final step, I was scared, vulnerable, and alone, not just acting like it. But you only kissed me... which somehow sated my terrified wolf and sobered me up. I asked you if you loved them, and you gave me a very reasonable response. I had set you up like you were an evil villain, and all you did was go along with it to see where we went to support me. So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I've done, and moving forward, I am going to try to be upfront and honest with you, because it seems you have been with me."

She had undoubtedly taken any of the vitriol I had over last night out of me with her apology. Not that I was ever really angry with her, because her fears were quite reasonable based on everything I had heard about other dragons. I was just annoyed by the whole situation, jumping through hoops to prove I was what I claimed to be. Not that she had any reason to trust the words from my mouth.

Her explanation gave me a lot to think about, and I appreciated her pledge of honesty, but it hadn't changed how we would move forward precisely, so I had to ask, "What do you want?"

"Excuse me?"

"What do you want? You already have a life in this world, an understanding of it, a place in it. I don't know what being your mate means. Am I to become your friends-with-benefits once you're comfortable enough around me? Your boyfriend? Your husband? What does it mean for your job? For your living situation? What do you want to do about this? How do we move forward without completely upending your life? Because mine already has been completely upended. A week ago, I was a nervous single college guy who played video games with your brother and worried about scheduling interviews at the upcoming career fairs. Now I'm learning about magic and how to fly and have two girlfriends, a vampire PA who is scared of being in the same room as me, and a werewolf personal trainer saying I'm her mate. Nothing you can ask for now would make my current situation messier, so we should hash out what it is that you actually want from this."

"I want children."

"O-oh."

She winced. "That was too abrupt, wasn't it? Sorry. But, like, last year. Babies. My wolf's internal clock is raring to go."

I winced and almost vomited, filled with such a visceral response to her request. It was a good thing I was already sitting because I probably would've ended up on the floor otherwise.

Zoey, seeing my face and blatant rejection of her request, panicked.

"Oh god, I'm sorry. That was too soon. Umm, fuck, let me grab the trash can. Oh, why did I say that today?"

I didn't vomit, which was good because I had done that too much recently for my comfort. I wasn't actually opposed to the idea of children at some point. I didn't think I was ready for them now, especially not still while coming to grips with the insanity of the new magical world I was in. I regarded myself as a kind of "lowercase 'a' adult." Independentish, capableish, accountableish. Having children of my own was on the other side of the divider keeping me from being a "capital 'A' Adult". Although, given that I was now functionally married (Twice! Maybe thrice with Zoey? What a mess) and considering buying a home so that I wasn't living in Aisling's provided apartment and needed to find a real Adult job to support my new family and house, I might need to reevaluate where I fell on that spectrum.

I hadn't yet confirmed it with her, but if Zoey's lifespan was indeed shortened by a significant amount, I could understand why her biological clock was telling her to have children NOW if she ever wanted them. Which was the crux of the intensity of my reaction. She hadn't said it, but she didn't just want children. She was asking me to have children with her, knowing that she might pass before they grew up. That's what made my stomach roll first: the idea that she wanted to have a living legacy that I would raise for her but potentially without her. Sure, I wouldn't be a true 'single widower dad' with Sam and Beth, but it was still incredibly uncomfortable to think about.

Zoey kept babbling, but I didn't hear the actual words she said. The line of thinking that brought me to single dad made me realize something that absolutely should have hit me already. I should have realized it when I was thinking about missing my family at the diner because it was built on exactly the same foundation.

I was immortal. That was one of the few things Antonin was absolutely sure of. Immortal. Unaging.

Beth and Sam weren't. My children, unless they were also dragons, wouldn't be. The idea that I would spend 50 years holding onto a piece of Beth and Sam, growing to know them so intimately that the lines between us blurred, and then I would have to bury them while still looking like a 20-year-old, made my gut clench. The knowledge that in a hundred years, I would be attending the funerals of Sam and Beth's children, my children, made all of the color in the world dim, the spectre of inevitability leeching all of the optimism from my soul.

When I finally collected myself enough to step back from my thoughts, I looked up, only realizing I was holding the small plastic office trashcan in my trembling hands when I set it down and found a pair of very concerned grey eyes staring back at me.

"I think I should change my answer to your question."

An absolutely befuddled expression crossed Zoey's face, growing summarily into genuine fear. I quickly continued, lest she believe I was rejecting her, which wasn't my intent.

"From last night. About if I loved Beth and Sam. I think I had a panic attack there, thinking about their death."

Zoey's achromatic eyes widened in shock, and her mouth opened, but no response came.

"Thinking about kids made me realize I was immortal and that they would pass before me. And then that Beth and Sam would as well."

Zoey softened, no longer intensely concerned for my physical wellbeing but instead trying to gently capture my emotional state. "Yeah, that's not going to be enjoyable." She shifted uncomfortably, unsure of how to proceed after my existential collapse. I did for her.

"So, kids? That's quite a commitment. I hadn't really thought about that with anyone, and I don't think I'm ready. So, not 'no,' but rather, 'let's give it a few weeks before jumping into that'? It's not a decision I can make without talking to Beth and Sam. All four of us, together, hashing out what our collective lives will look like, since that's what we are now."

"I wanted to tell you I wanted them now. After last night, feeling conflicted about how I had acted and resolving to be more upfront, I wanted to tell you then. I want them now, and I'd be ok with it right now. I'd have been okay with it on Tuesday. My wolf needs you, and it makes me feel as vulnerable as I was acting last night, which isn't comforting, but it's just a fact of life."

"I'm going to do my best not to abuse that. I would appreciate it if you would let me know when I overstep."

"I'm not sure if you can. Taking me now and sending me home with a bun in the oven wouldn't be too far."

I cringed, "Okay, well, I'm not comfortable with that. I still see you as Kyle's sister. A furiously accomplished girl who was dangerously ambitious and driven, but still my friend's sister. Off-limits. And, obviously, that's not true anymore, but that's where my head's at today. I think I'd need to see you somewhere, as a woman, to break the idea of you that I have, to replace it with the reality I'm now in."

Zoey perked up, her head tilting to the side, and I could visualize her sitting there in her other form, snow-white ears pointing in my direction and tail wagging behind her.

"James, was that the clumsiest attempt at asking me on a date, or am I mishearing you?"

"It was just thinking out loud, but, yeah, a date would be nice, actually. I really need to go on one with Beth and Sam, too. Individually and together. Everything's been so crazy for the last week that I haven't even been able to catch my breath. Gosh, sorry, you probably don't want to hear about them."

She amicably shrugged, "I don't really mind. It sounds like I'm the first one who knows what they're really getting into. You and Beth had absolutely no idea, and Sam didn't really care what was going on if you were available. Which, I didn't see five years ago, but, wew. My wolf has been trying to get me to lay down and spread my legs for you this entire conversation. She was pushing for a really different apology, one that ended up with something you're clearly not ready for, and I don't know if I am, either. I really understand how Sam feels now. I'm not sure you could do anything to offend me at this point besides disappearing. And, full disclosure, that might just turn on crazy stalker Zo."

I completely bypassed what she said because I wasn't entirely on board with the potential consequences and felt I was already exploiting some part of my relationship. Maybe not even with Zoey. I hadn't talked this over with Beth or Sam, and, despite past actions suggesting to the contrary, I wasn't about to jump into yet another life-changing relationship on a whim. Life-creating relationship.

"So, about a date. I'm not familiar with the city, I'm not familiar with magical date ideas, and I'm not really sure what you would be into. I could ask Evgenia, but she and I really need to have another conversation about why she's terrified of me. Anyway, I know I'm the guy, but would you mind--"

"I'll come up with something. And can offer some suggestions for my fellow broodmates."

"Broodmates?"

"How else should I refer to them? Sisterwives is just, ick, and it's not like they're my girlfriends, so calling them that would be weird."

"This is just more of that world-changing-under-my-feet stuff I'm unprepared for. Look, I appreciate your apology, understand where your concerns were based, have no resentment over your caution, and realize that your situation has changed since meeting me, which has altered your goals. I'm not ready to act on your requests now; I need more time to come to grips with all of this. Could we do the workout now, and continue this later when I've had time to process it?"

Zoey agreed, and we returned to the gym floor. Today was apparently a shoulder and other upper body accessory day, and she got me right into strict overhead presses. Not something I was used to, as it had limited utility for swimming; Zoey tweaked and modified my form with constant small suggestions until she got to a point where she was happy. Given that it was an exercise I was unfamiliar with, having a plate and a half on each side left me feeling mighty accomplished, even though I knew I would be feeling it tomorrow. It was almost a boon that I had little experience -- I didn't have years of experience performing the exercise in a different body hampering my attempts.

From there, she had me moving directly into supramaximal push press negatives. While she assured me that the weight was well within my control, and even demonstrated strict pressing it herself, it still felt heavy to me. She didn't encourage me to go any further, though she admitted her normal 'trainer' habits almost shown through and had her push me, acknowledging that it was a novel movement for me and that simply getting reps under the bar was my real goal. After all, I was more interested in adapting to my draconically influenced human form than truly training for strength gains. To that end, she encouraged me to attend some of the open swim sessions at the pool, doing a form of cardio I was familiar with and enjoyed while simultaneously simulating the feeling of flying in my human body.

While resting between sets, I had a curiosity borne from the information I had learned last night, so I asked, "Hey, Zoey? What's Mallory and Sophie's deal?"

She responded to my leading question tentatively, "Their deal? They're dating, have been for a while."

As I set up to grip the bar, I explained myself, "I was just wondering because of what happens when I shift. Mallory seemed partial to the reaction, and if she's going to be helping me learn to fly as a surrogate dragon mom escorting the hatchling out of the nest for the first time, it's something that's probably going to happen a bunch. Which, if they're serious, should be something Sophie knows about, gets a chance to veto, that sort of thing. I certainly wouldn't be happy to find out about it accidentally six months down the line."

Even after I finished the set and reracked the bar, Zoey didn't respond. She offered an inconclusive shrug when I looked at her, unwilling to give a decisive answer about someone else's relationship. Which was fair, and I didn't press further, instead pursuing a different uncomfortable topic.

"Alright. What about Jess and Rosa? They both had some physical challenges. Would offering to assist with those, with my draconic healing, be overstepping my bounds? Would pointing out that they might want it be offensive in some way? I don't want to be demeaning, but they're your friends, and I think I could help if they wanted it."