The Dream Ch. 03

Author's Note: I strongly suggest you do not start this series with this chapter, please go back and, at very least, read chapter 1 of The Dream. Thanks to all of you that have supported my writing and continue to do so. I appreciate you and look forward to your feedback.

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It was a hot sunny day not unlike the first time I stepped foot outside her office. However, in contrast to a week ago, the air was as thick as a wet blanket enveloping my anxious form. The weather was not only to be declaring its intention of an early June thunderstorm; it also seemed to be mirroring my darkest fears. A deep sense of trepidation plagued me, as I stepped out of my car, causing my stomach to clench and my heart to race the closer I got to the doorway. Consternation had been my passenger the entire 100 km drive to Saskatoon from my hometown.

Although I couldn't wait to see her beautiful face; I was fretting away at the possibility I may find ambivalence there. She had filled my thoughts for the last week between my therapy appointments, in a way, that seemed out of proportion to the amount of time we had spent with one another. The weight I'd put on this moment felt as though it had reached critical mass.

I took a deep breath and pushed open the door to Dr. Lawrence's office. From behind her desk, I saw her lovely copper-tinged blonde head rise slowly from her work as she heard someone enter. She smiled as our eyes met and I felt my heart skip a beat.

Suddenly, it was as though all the air was sucked from the room and we were in perfect vacuum together; my feet moved without my being cognizant and soon I was standing before her as though I'd floated there. Her stunning face was drawn up in a bewitching smile, albeit, one that didn't match my memory of it. Her green eyes crinkled at corners as though her joy was trying to reach the depths of her eyes but couldn't quite make it.

The air seemingly rushed back into room as the bottom of my stomach dropped out. Something was wrong. Her whole demeanour was off. Not everything is about you, I reminded myself and my nerves calmed perceptively. After all, she could just be having a bad day.

As if in response to my thoughts, her words sounded as though she saw my need for reassurance, "Well, well... if it isn't my favourite client?" She said seeming to play a part that wasn't in her to fill.

"I bet you say that to all the fucked-up girls who come in here." I joked, hoping to bring a real smile to her face, to thaw the ice that had presumably grown between us in the last week and because that's what I do when I don't know what to do. I make jokes to varying results.

She gave a short laugh that at least seemed genuine enough and shook her head, "Nope, there's only been one fucked up girl in my head this last week."

I felt relief like a cool breeze that soothed the burning pit of anxiety in my stomach and some of my dread lifted with the hope her words promised. I knew my feelings weren't rational; we had had but one night together. Regardless, I wanted her with a depth of need greater than any I could remember having. I was astounded by how panic struck I felt at the prospect she was done with me already.

Me being me though, I covered up the heaviness of my emotion with a joke, "Phew, I won't ask you about any of the non-fucked up women that may be parading around your mind. I simply can't compete on that level on that level of competence."

She laughed and joined in the jest using a hushed voice so as not to attract undue attention, "No need, I only like the fucked-up ones."

Smiling, I replied, "Can we stop calling me fucked up now? Its starting to sting in its accuracy."

"Then what should I call you?" She asked suggestively.

Leaning on the counter, I dipped my head as close to hers as I could manage without making a display and answered softly, "Tonight... call me tonight."

Her eyes met mine and I saw some of my emotion mirrored in them as she replied in a voice barely above a whisper, "I will, now go take a seat. Kar... Dr. Lawrence, I mean... she'll be out any second."

Several minutes later, I was following my therapist's well-dressed form down the hallway to her office. She was one of those perennial women that seemed ageless. She could be 29 or 45, it was hard to tell because she obviously took good care of herself. Her skin was smooth and only slightly crinkled around the corners of her brown eyes which indicated nothing except that she must like to laugh and smile in her regular life. Confirming my perception of her, were clear smile lines around her mouth. I hoped that I would look as good as her as I aged but I doubted my lack of self control with beer and cigarettes were going to aid in that process.

Once we entered her office, she smiled at me and indicated I was to have a seat. She looked briefly at the notebook in her hand before she looked at me calmly and asked, "So... Jamie, how have you been?"

"Very well. Fantastic even."

Hmm... that's quite a change from last week. Why such a difference?"

"Well, I think I have reached a certain level of acceptance about... um, whatever it is that I am... being a bisexual, I guess I mean."

"So, how did you come to accept your bisexual feelings?" She asked putting it right out there. The label spoken through her lips made me squirm mentally. Acceptance of my intimate association to the LGBTQ world still seemed far off.

"Our talk last week really helped. Specifically, it was when you told me of The Kinsey Scale, it just really resonated with me. I was so worried about being different. Knowing that a lot of people have these um... feelings... is kind of comforting, I guess. I was also worried about having to tell my parents and all that coming out stuff that I don't know how to deal with yet. Then it occurred to me that my sexuality is my own and I don't have to broadcast it. I suppose you could say I had the carriage before the horse."

"While that is true, there may come a time when you have to 'broadcast' it. For instance, what if you meet a woman you are interested in dating? How does that make you feel?" She asked.

"Honestly, I don't know. Last week, it felt catastrophic, but a lot has changed since then. Like, I found out that a good friend of mine feels this way too."

"She told you?"

"Um... yes..."

"You hesitated there. Are you unsure?"

I couldn't help but let out a little laugh, while I remembered just how I knew Skye's feelings. Memories played through my mind as though on video, images of her kissing me deeply before she threw me down on the bed, her hands on her beautiful body as she danced for me and the angles of her beautiful face thrown back in passion. "I'm completely sure," I replied while trying to regain my composure. I could feel heat rising to my cheeks.

Dr. Lawrence didn't smile or laugh. She just nodded and wrote something on her notepad.

"While it's healthy to go out and explore your feelings I seem to recall you mentioning that you have a boyfriend. Is he aware of your sexual activity with your friend?" she asked calmly, displaying no emotion one way or another.

"Oh, Logan, yes well, there is... Logan. I like him a lot, but we aren't really serious enough to discuss this. I don't know how he would react at all. He could be put off or uh... you know excited by it and have expectations..."

"Hmmm... I see. You're worried he will want to join?"

"Yeah, I just don't think I am ready for that... ahh... complication." I was struggling with my words unable to decide how forthright I should be.

"As is your right, however, if you continue a relationship with him while engaging sexually with women; isn't that a form of betrayal?"

In response to that, I voiced a concern I hadn't been able to broach yet, not even to myself, "No... well maybe, we haven't declared ourselves exclusive yet so really he could be having sex with other women for all I know."

"Do you think he is sleeping with other women?"

"No, but he could be." Then I voiced a conclusion I hadn't even broached to myself yet. "I don't know, maybe I should just break up with him." I said my voice wavering as I realized I needed to talk about Jodie, "It isn't fair in the end. See there is someone else (besides my friend) and even though we didn't have much time together, I can't stop thinking about her and... well, I feel like there might be something there."

She set down her pen and addressed me. "And you think there is potential for a more serious relationship with her?"

"I don't know that there is; I just feel it. It's hard to explain."

"Ok, let's try a mental exercise. Focus your mind and forget about how long you've known her... time doesn't matter. Clear all attention to time from your mind. How are you doing so far?"

"Good, I think."

"OK, now describe her to me. Tell me the first words that come to your mind when you think of her."

My heartbeat quickened a bit when I grasped that if I described Jodie to the doctor; she would surely recognize her. Rapidly, I made the choice to describe Skye but ascribe Jodie's personality traits to her. Taking a deep breath, I commanded my heart to slow down and tried to focus all my mental energy on Jodie's qualities avoiding her looks, as best I could.

"Initially, I was drawn to her because she seemed so kind. I was all stressed out about, you know... um with all this... stuff. And the care she took with me was extraordinary. It wasn't long after that, I realized she has a sense of humour like mine. We laugh a lot when we are together and it's just so natural. Not to mention, she is an extremely talented musician and as someone who really appreciates music; I find that intensely hot... I mean attractive." I paused briefly self-conscious of my phrasing, "The thing is that she is intriguing. There is a mystery to her that seems innate like you could spend your whole life by her side and not truly understand her but never once regret having tried."

The doctor paused her writing and looked up at me, "What else drew you to her?"

I carried on as though in a trance, focusing with all my energy I forgot to describe Skye instead of Jodie. "She is beautiful, absolutely stunning. She has long, wavy hair that looks as though it were spun from copper and gold. Her eyes are a brilliant green like emeralds and her voice has a raspy quality as though she has been screaming at a concert but its soft and lyrical at the same time. Oh... and when she sings... it's like, like, I don't know, words fail me. Her vocals sound like crushed velvet escaping her beautiful lips. Its like my dream, the one that got me here initially, her lips are full and soft and when we first kissed it was like electricity took over us both and before we both knew it, we were ripping each others' clothes off in the park..."

The sound of Dr. Lawrence clearing her throat purposely, drew me out of my reverie. Embarrassment flooded me in a wave rising from my deepest core as I realized what I had just told her. Heat rose to my cheeks as the nature of my indiscretion dawned on me. Not only had I basically outed Jodie but I had gone into way too much detail as to our shenanigans in the park. I could barely look up from my hands which had been my focal point during my trance. I peeked up through my hair and noticed the doctor looked slightly flustered but was composing herself immediately before my eyes. She spoke levelly and without judgement.

"Ok... well, I would say that it is clear you have an obvious attraction to this woman. I think what I want you to ask yourself is; are you being fair to your boyfriend? Although you may not feel as though you are being unfaithful; that becomes a technicality if he is hurt, no? Have you asked him what he sees in your future together?"

"Not really." I answered defensively, "I'm not sure what you're driving at. Do you think I should stay with him?"

"It is not the therapist's role to influence your decisions but to guide your thinking; aid in your own self-awareness of your thinking, choices and actions."

"Ok, I guess I know what you mean. Logan has shown some interest in the future together because he has more than once mentioned bringing me over for supper to meet his parents and he wants to go to Mexico in January. So, I guess that could mean that he is interested in a future together."

"Yes, that may be an indication that he has deeper feelings for you. You need to investigate his feelings. He may be as casual as you, but I would suggest you ask him outright because otherwise you aren't being respectful of him. Often when we go through major changes in our lives, we tend to forget those around us and focus on our own experiences without consideration of how those changes may be affecting others. You have discovered a new and exciting part of yourself but that doesn't give you leeway to forget the emotions of everybody else."

Feeling slightly chastised, it hit me hard how correct she was. Through all of this, I'd only considered my own wants and desires. I'd forgotten that Logan may have his own feelings wrapped up in my world and while I was busy blowing the walls down around my sexuality; he was getting caught up in the shrapnel.

Dr. Lawrence then looked me directly in the eye, her gaze holding me and strangely comforting me as she continued, "Our time is basically up for today. I think a good goal for the next week will be talking to Logan and finding out what his role is in your life."

I nodded and she stood up signalling the end of our session. My head felt leaden with the weight of our discussion. I knew I had a serious upcoming conversation with Logan and the knowledge felt like a heavy burden on my soul. I really hoped I wouldn't be hurting him.

Once we returned to the waiting room, my spirits lifted immediately when I saw her. With any luck, I'd be able to see her tonight and if that was the case, I needed to shake this sombre melancholia threatening to overtake my mood. Dr. Lawrence strode up to Jodie and for a second, I irrationally feared she was going to confront her about our waywardly affair. Instead, she just told her she was overdue for a break and that after she had made an appointment for me, someone named Amy could take over her duties.

Once Dr Lawrence left. Jodie stated simply, the corner of her mouth lifting in a half smile as she turned to her computer, "That was convenient. Same time next week?"

"Yeah, that will be fine."

Jodie handed me a card and instructed me briefly, "Meet me out back. I'll be out in a few minutes."

I walked outside along the side of the building until I reached a surprisingly nice little garden area with potted flowers and vines crawling up a wall that separated the area from the parking lot. There was a picnic table in this secret oasis, and I sat on top of it to wait for Jodie.

She didn't make me wait long and once she appeared; she walked directly up to me and kissed my lips soundly and passionately. I felt that familiar stirring down below as her sensuous, soft lips worked themselves against mine. As she started to suck and nip at my lips while our tongues flirted shyly with one another's, my hands moved to her hips where I drew her into me. I needed to feel her beautiful body against mine. Due to her shorter stance, our breasts fit together as ying and yang. Naturally, my hand moved down her hips to rest on her round firm ass.

Worried that if we didn't stop soon, I would tear her clothes from her body right now in this conspicuous location; I broke our embrace. But we stayed close, our faces within a breath's length as we both drew in our air sharply in attempt to control our lust.

I broke the silence and whispered in her ear while feeling her hair brush my cheek, "This is a pleasant surprise."

"I couldn't help myself..." she started to say with emotion edging her voice.

All tension left my body with her admission and I sighed, "Thank you, I needed..." but then, I was cut short by the sound of footsteps approaching.

"What in the ACTUAL FUCK is going on here?!?!" A loud angry voice crashed into our moment; driving an invisible wall between us as we scrambled to separate from our intimate stance. Turning sharply, I looked behind me to see a familiar man standing a few steps within the doorway of our oasis.

Not much of a sanctuary after all, I thought as I watched him stride towards us. I knew him, I'd seen him before. Here stood the proverbial Greg, "the boyfriend" and he was angry. He brushed past me violently and I rounded on my heel in defence, worried about what he was intending to do.

I'd never really met him before, but I'd seen him drunk when he showed up after Jodie's gig last week. She had been furious with him that night and now it would seem the roles were reversed. Honestly, I'm not sure I'd ever felt more on edge than this moment.

Everything seemed to be going in slow motion. Jodie's face held a look of fear that alarmed me more than anything else. She began to step back as he advanced closer to her until she was up against the opposite wall of the garden. His hand rose as though to hit her, but he pulled back and pointed in her face as he growled with barely restrained anger,

"You told me this was over, and I believed you. Come on, you're coming with me."

"Please... you know I'm at work; I can't just leave." She said in faint voice but suddenly it strengthened as though her last nerve snapped, "Actually, I think you should leave, go home get your shit and get the fuck out of my apartment. You... you...high and mighty asshole, you speak as if you haven't been fucking around on me for months now!"

I took a step forward not sure what he was going to do and even more unsure of what I would do about it. I did know one thing though, I would not leave her alone with this man.

His back stiffened brought to rigidity by the sheer volume of his anger, and he hissed, "So just like that, you're gonna leave me for a fucking... woman? All these years together and you're throwing it all away to suck cunt with... her!?!"

The rage left his voice suddenly and his tone turned more pleading as though just realizing himself what was at stake. "Come on, you know you love me, and I love you more than anyone else. Definitely more than her. Babe... baby... come on, you know you need me. I know I need you."

His voice dropped off and he raised his hand to caress her cheek, but she moved away from him ducking away and around him, so she stood between myself and him. Anger flashed malevolently in his eyes.

"Fucking dyke slut!" He roared snapping immediately back to furious anger. "Where the fuck am I supposed to go?"

Jodie stepped back although her body stood straight in defiance, fists clenched at her sides and she said, "I don't care. I'm sick of taking responsibility for someone who can't take responsibility for himself. Here's a revelation, maybe you could get a job and your own apartment. Until then, I'm sure your mother or maybe one of your pieces of tail will let you stay with them... if you can remember where they live."

"You're going to regret this. I can fucking guarantee that." He yelled stepping close enough to grab her arms; the situation was escalating exponentially. That was enough for me and I stepped in behind her, close enough she could feel my presence.

I spoke, my voice quivering with nerves and anger, "Listen, I'm sorry things turned out this way... I really am, but you need to let go of her NOW and get the hell out of here or I will call police." I held up my phone as though it was weapon.

His face was contorted with rage, but he relaxed his hold on her perhaps as he realized he wouldn't be getting away with much here. Regardless his vitriol gushed from his mouth, "Fuck both you cunts, I'm leaving, but this isn't over! You don't get to just end things like this." He growled his finger pointing in Jodie's face. "I WILL see you later."