The Dregs of Murder

"I'm here."

"Please, I'm begging you... please don't do what I know you've thought about doing. Nothing good will come from it."

"I don't understand. Why didn't you travel to the past and warn me before I do it?"

"Don't you understand? I can't! That past, the past you're on, isn't open to me anymore. All the steps that led you to the island are closed to me. I can't travel there because I don't know how! If you save Mom, you can't go back to before, to any past that resulted from her death! Because she doesn't die, nothing you did after her death happened! You won't know how to go into the past to warn yourself! Why can't you understand that?" the other me shouted.

I was quiet for another long moment as I absorbed what she'd, what I'd, said. "I understand," I whispered, though I wasn't sure I did.

She began to sob. "Thank you. Thank you so--"

Though I hadn't intended to return, I was back in my room, listening to the same chirring insects that I'd been listening to before I decided to travel. I lay still, trying to absorb what I'd told myself. It was all so confusing, but at least I had my answer. Twenty-six years in the future I was alive, Mom was alive, and I still had my gift.

Or did I? I tried to think it through. I had to have been alive and kept my gift in order to go back in time to save Mom... but by doing so, I'd radically changed my life. I hadn't saved Ken, even though I already had by the time I travelled back and saved Mom. I stared into the darkness as my brain cramped. How the fuck had I saved Ken, and not saved him, at the same time? What had I called them? Paradoxes? I'd saved Ken before I knew I had a gift, yet, somehow, after discovering my gift, I didn't?

I swallowed hard. It was the saltshaker all over again, but much further reaching. If I saved Mom, I never came to the island, but if I didn't come to the island, how had I learned to use my gift to go back in time to save Mom? I'd apparently never learned to use my gift... but dammit... all of that happened after I came to the island because I'm here!

It was too much. I couldn't work out how I ended up in the future I saw. How had I not saved Ken if I already had? Somehow I changed my life, after the fact. The chill I'd felt after the saltshaker settled over me again. I'd gone into the past and saved Mom, and when I did, my past from the moment I barfed beside the road was erased. I'd erased myself from history, just like I'd erased Keller, Lena, and Maggie.

"Jesus..." I muttered into the darkness.

No wonder Keller had been terrified. He and Lena were quicker to understand the ramifications of what I could do than I'd been, but I understood now. I could, literally, destroy the world I knew. If I grew strong and skilled enough, I could go back and stop the first World War by preventing the assassination of King Ferdinand of Germany, or whoever that dude was whose death had started World War I. I should have paid more attention in history class. I could stop the killing of millions... but what would be the result of my doing so? I had no way to know, but I knew with the same certainty that the sun would rise tomorrow, this world, and this me, wouldn't exist.

And yet it did... and I did... because I was here to go back to stop the war.

The brain cramp returned. I wonder... can I save Mom, and knowing what was going to happen after doing so, could I put everything else back on track? Could I let my former self save Mom, but then I could save Ken? How would I stop Figgette from using the same legal loophole to steal Coffee w/ Cream? And if I did save her, didn't that mean I lost my gift?

Another thought occurred to me. What if this me is the result of me tinkering around in the past? Maybe I shouldn't have come to the island or learned of my gift. Maybe none of this was supposed to happen. Maybe the future I'd seen was the true future, and I'd steered history off track trying to fix it, and ended up here, worrying about all this shit. Except Mom had died before I had my gift... so wasn't that the true future?

I stared into the darkness feeling sick. My future self had said she'd made herself crazy thinking about time travel. I was starting to feel the same way. I tried to force myself to stop thinking about it, but my thoughts wouldn't be quietened. I had to have some answers, and the only person who could provide them was in the future.

I licked my lips. The first time I traveled, I landed where I landed. I was waiting for myself because I remembered when and where I'd arrived. This time, however, I was going to have to be dead accurate in my travel, far more accurate than I'd ever been before. If I landed too early, my future me wouldn't be there and I might have to wait years for myself to arrive... to late and I'd have already left. I frowned. If I did arrive at the same point, would there be two of me? Would I even know? Had I already been there?

I decided I hadn't because my future self didn't mention the current me talking to the other current me. A faint smile tugged at my lips with the thought. Make a few more trips into the future and I could have a family reunion with only myself in attendance. My smile disappeared. Unless every time I traveled, I erased someone's existence.

I considered for a long moment and decided the risk was worth it. I'd return to the same place and time, if I could, and after my other me left, I'd call out to myself to stop myself from leaving. My other self, the me that's me, the me that had just been there, would be none the wiser.

Does that mean there will be an infinite number of Cam's arriving, one after the other, as-- Stop it! I mentally shouted at myself. I was just going to pop into the future for a couple of minutes, talk to myself to try to get some understanding of how this tangled mess works, and then I'd worry about everything else tomorrow. I wasn't touching anything, I wasn't talking to anyone but myself, who knew I was there already, so nothing would be changed by a second trip.

I felt like I was attempting to convince myself. Taking a deep breath, I reached out.

I was standing in the bright sunshine in a tidy neighborhood. This clearly wasn't where I wanted to be and started to pull back to try again when I noticed the house. I was standing on the walk before the same green house I'd seen before. I looked around, but I wasn't in the field at the tip of the island. I turned back to the house as the door opened. I was there, holding a baby as I fed it from a bottle.

"Cam? Why don't you come inside," I said before stepping back into the house but leaving the door open.

I stood there for a long moment. Had I seen myself, or was this like before, my other future, where I remembered me arriving and was waiting for myself? Swallowing hard, I followed the stone walk to the front door and stepped into the comfortable home. I was standing there, the baby cradled in my arms still nursing at the bottle.

I glanced around the room. The furniture seemed oddly shaped, little more than lumps, and the walls were painted colors I found off-putting. "It's the fashion now," I said from the middle of the room with a smile. "Please shut the door."

I focused. "I can't," I said, hoping she could hear me.

"Of course you can... because I did. Don't think about it. Just do it." I pushed on the door, but nothing happened. "Quick! Shut the door before the wasp gets in!" I hated wasps and slammed the door to prevent the stinging little bastard from entering. The banging of the door made me realize what I'd done. The older me smiled. "See... I told you that you could do it."

"Can you see me?" I asked.

"No... not yet. Jeffery, please explain to Camille how to manifest while I go put the baby down."

"Yes ma'am," a pleasant male voice said from somewhere. "Hello Camille. I'm Jeffery, the home's AI system. Cam has given me instructions that will help you. Are you ready to begin?"

"Uh... I guess?"

"Don't be nervous. Cam asked me to relay to you that traveling, manifesting, controlling, and speaking, are all the same skill. Physically you are still back on the island, in your room, but your presence here is controlled by you. Once you understand one skill, in your case, traveling, you use the same skills for all the others."

When he, it, paused, I assumed he was waiting for me to speak. "Okay?"

"I understand that you don't have good control, but that will come with time... because it did. Cam can land anywhere, in any time she wishes because she has had years of practice... and because she got a little help from herself today."

"So I learned to do something by teaching it to myself?"

"Precisely."

"How does that work?"

"It's not important. One of the things you will learn over the years is to not question too much and to simply accept. Every time you travel, you create time paradoxes. Accept that and use them when you can."

"Is this a paradox?"

"Yes. Now, as you reach out to travel, and as you now can now be heard, you can also manifest and control your environment. You can do so because you believe you can. The key is to not try to do, but to do. Think of it like walking. Do you think about placing one foot in front of the other with each step?"

"No."

"Correct. You simply decide to walk, and the body takes care of the mechanics of it. Your gift works the same way. You closed the door because you wanted to. You can present yourself in the same manner."

"Okay..." I said, drawing the word out. "If you say so."

Almost instantly the room was plunged into darkness, the windows that had been flooding the room with light now dark. "Don't be afraid. Please approach and face the mirror," Jeffery said as a bright spot in the ceiling appeared, illuminating a full-length mirror. The light gave me just enough illumination to navigate the room without bumping into something.

"Okay... now what?" I asked as I paused in front of the mirror. All I could see in the reflection was the room.

The moment I spoke, the light vanished. "Please watch the mirror to see your reflection."

I waited a long moment, standing in the darkness. I was beginning to get antsy when the light began to strobe violently. I blinked and began to slowly move my hands, smiling as I watched myself move in stop motion. "I can see myself!" An instant later, the room was flooded with light as the windows became clear again. I could still see my reflection in the mirror and I slowly waved my hand. "How did you do that?" I asked.

"I didn't. You did."

"But I can see myself now."

"Yes. I can also see you now."

"You couldn't before?"

"No."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing. You instinctively expected to see your reflection during the flashes, so you did."

I watched myself in the mirror. I imagined myself stepping away from the mirror, and even though I didn't move, I vanished. In my mind, I stepped in front of the mirror again, and there I was. I faded out and back a couple more times, exercising my new skill. Jeffery's example about walking seemed correct. When I wanted to walk, I walked. I didn't think about moving my feet or anything. I simply decided I wanted to walk over there... and I did.

I decided I wanted to move the mirror a little, so I reached out and moved it. I broke into a broad smile. It was so easy! Why had I struggled so much before? I adjusted the mirror back to its former position and smiled with delight. I began walking around the room, nudging things, adjusting their position ever so slightly just because I could. I completed a circuit of the room and then paused in front of the mirror. I wanted to hide... and the mirror instantly reflected only the room. When I wanted to be seen, I appeared. I giggled with delight over my newly discovered party trick.

"Jeffery?"

"Yes Camille?"

"Any tips to make me more accurate in my travels?"

"Practice."

"You're no help."

"I'm sorry. Is there something else I can do?"

"No. Thank you for all your help."

"You're welcome... but all the advice came from Cam. She was expecting you today and loaded me with all the information you would need."

"Why was she expecting me?"

"Because you're her."

I heard soft steps coming down the staircase. "I think the baby is down."

"Who is she? He?"

My older self smiled. "Her. Catherine Rae Millbrooke... our granddaughter."

"Your granddaughter?"

"Our granddaughter."

"You're me?"

"Yes. I'm you, not the other you that you met."

"The one where I saved Mom?"

"Yes."

"So I didn't try to save her?"

"No."

"And I became... you?"

"Not became... are. Your life leads to this place."

"Where... and when?"

"Pokagon... 2:14, May eighteenth, 2065."

"Ken is still alive?"

I watched myself smile. "Very much... married to Keiko and living in Dearborn. He's the head of powertrain for Ford, has a son and daughter, both engineers, and two grandchildren with another on the way."

"That's good," I whispered as I teared up. "And Hunter?"

"He's Chief of Police... and I'm Camille Avery now."

"We get married?"

"About two years from now in your time. Don't push him, and act surprised. He'd be crushed if you already knew."

"Children? We have children?"

"Two daughters, Leslie and Amanda. Leslie is a thoracic surgeon, and Amanda runs WRG. I'm retired."

"So I made it?"

"¡Picante! is a regional chain with nine restaurants, and Cathy's and Coffee w/ Cream are still doing great."

I began to sniff. It sounded like my life was all I could hope for. "That's good."

"You did it, Cam. Aunt Vicki and Liz are so proud. You thought they were crazy about us, but you should see them around Leslie and Amanda, and especially little Cathy. They'd steal her if they could."

"They're still alive?"

"Yes. Getting on up there, and slowing down, but still kicking. They sold Hunter and me Tramree resort when they retired."

"I wish I could see them."

The other me looked at me funny. "Cam... you're going to see them every few days for the rest of your life."

"Right," I said, remembering where I was.

"And I won't screw this up? I won't make any mistakes that will ruin this?"

"No."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I didn't."

"Who was the other me... the one that told the... the other older me... how to fix the future?"

"I don't know. I never found out. She must have been from a future that doesn't exist anymore."

I heard a door open somewhere in the house, and a moment later, Hunter walked in with a slight but noticeable limp. He was the same man I knew, though slightly heavier, with grey around his temples and shot through his hair, but still as sexy as any man I'd ever met.

"Oh... my... God..." he breathed. "How did someone as beautiful as you ever agree to go out with someone like me," he said as I winked out of sight.

My other me kissed him. "It's alright. He knows." She smiled at him. "I told him the day he asked me to marry him." She looked back at me, her smile spreading. "I figured he should know who he was really marrying before I accepted."

"And he believed you?" My gaze shifted to him. "You believed her?"

"Hard to deny when she could tell me what I was doing when she, you, weren't around." He pulled her more tightly into his side. "Crime in Pokagon is almost zero. Everyone knows, you commit a crime in Pokagon, the PoPo is going to catch you because Sherlock Holms doesn't have anything on their Chief of Police." He beamed. "Of course, they don't know about my secret weapon." He pulled her tight again and then kissed her.

"She helps you?"

"A little..." he said with a grin, "when I get stuck."

"I don't travel much anymore. No reason to. I learned a long time ago to take one day at a time. What's done is done. No point in worrying about it."

I began to nod. "Yeah..."

She smiled. "I remember that revelation."

"So I stop traveling?"

"Not stop... but after that night, the night you're living now, you'll lose the desire. You'll find yourself traveling only for convenience, to remind yourself to pick up something at the store you forgot, find where you put your phone, check to make sure you locked the door, that sort of thing. I will sometimes travel to give Hunter the hint he needs, but I don't interact with the past, and I've found traveling to the future... ruins the surprise.

"And I learn how to control my gift?"

"Yes. Very much so."

"Any tips?"

"What did Jeffery say?"

"Practice."

I nodded. "That's the answer. It's like anything. The more you practice, the better at it you will get."

"Okay. I guess short trips won't hurt, right?"

"I don't believe so. Remember, stop trying to figure it out. Be careful, and understand the power you have, but accept what is. Trying to figure this stuff out leads to madness."

I nodded slowly. "I understand."

I smiled at my younger self. "I know you do."

Upstairs a baby began to fuss and the older me glanced toward the stairs. I grinned. "I should go. I guess I'll see me again in about forty years."

"Yes... you will."

"Cam!" Hunter called. "Be patient with me. I was already falling in love with you, but I'm an idiot, okay?"

I sniffed as tears threatened. "Always."

I arrived back in my room with the same churring insects. I had one more thing to do. I reached out, straining for the future where Mom was still alive. I wanted to tell that me everything was going to be okay. I could travel, but every time I landed, Coffee w/ Cream, and the building that housed it was there.

After a dozen attempts, and failing, I gave up trying. That future seemed to be closed to me. I thought about it. When I'd traveled to my first future, I'd been wondering, and had been for the past three days, if I could use my gift to somehow save Mom. Apparently, at some point in the future, I had. It wasn't until I'd traveled there that I'd realized the damage I could do. At the time I didn't know what my future would be if I didn't save Mom, but the desperation in my eyes had convinced me the future after saving Mom wasn't the future I wanted.

After my return, convinced I'd made a mistake, I'd gone to a new future. It had solidified my determination to not try to undo what had already been done. I didn't understand how it all worked, but it seemed the future wasn't fixed, that the future was what we made it, and every decision each of us made changed our future.

I sighed deeply as I relaxed. I forgot to ask myself what became of Keller's visit to the Council, and what he learned from the 'some people.' I decided it didn't matter. I knew, knew with certainty, everything was going to work out okay, and that was enough.