All Comments on 'The DVD Player Ch. 01'

Very nice idea, and the execution wasn't half-bad, but... "fun-bags"? "milker"? seriously? Not even in the worst pornos I've ever seen they talk like that.

You should do more stories in this vein, very nicely done!

This was a very good read. I really like how you change up the vocabulary...I do the same thing. Words like "fuck" and "cock" and "tits" are so overused.

You might consider experimenting with dialogue a little more; it will help you familiarize yourself with your characters. Also, since people will be reading this from a screen of some sort you might also consider breaking your sections into smaller "mini-sections," or separating your paragraphs a bit more. Don't be afraid to let certain statements stand alone; it's very pleasing to the eye and makes the reader feel just a little more welcome.

Once again, great story! You have a colorful vocabulary, a ready mind, and all the intelligence necessary to entice your readers with whatever ideas you can come up with.

Happy writing!

~bustyalix~

Please write more to this story,it's an excellent start!