The End of It All

In my line of work but, certainly in most aspects--if not all--of life, trust is the most important thing to have. I haven't met many people that have betrayed my trust because most people, when they meet me for the first time, know immediately that would be an unwise choice. So you can imagine my shock and disdain when those closest to me betrayed my trust in one felled swoop. It wasn't just anybody, either. It, unfortunately, happened with my girls. This will not be an easy tale to tell. I am still deeply wounded and I can assure you that they are, too.

It all started with a phone call I got last week from Michelle, the now acting D.A. that I passed the torch to after I resigned. I had made a deal with her and the Seattle Police Department as she had taken on one of my former cases. Terry Hoskins was a huge political voice fraught with scandal not only in Seattle but in D.C. as well. When I took him to trial, he was accused of money laundering and embezzlement of which we had solid evidence but, as is so often the case with political playboys, he was found innocent. He ended up back through the court system donning the same untouchable and arrogant demeanor he had when I tried to bust him many years ago. It would seem they were trying to peg him, once and for all, for his crimes but they needed more dirt. During my time as the D.A., I was the major player in political law and taking down crooks within the government kind of became my winning hand. So I gladly took on the role as advisor to Michelle as she tried to take this piece of shit down. Unfortunately, I knew that was going to take my time away from The House and, of course, Daniel...but he used to work for me so he more than understood why this would be a bit of passion project. Terry got away from me once. I was going to make sure he wasn't going to do it again.

Friday morning, I knew I was going to be between the courthouse and the police station talking to the judge, Michelle, the captain of the police force, etc. all day long so I had left a note on the podium in the parlour before I left. It read:

My dearest girls,

I'm going to be gone all day. I will return tomorrow afternoon. Please take care of the house and yourselves.

Always,

Kathryn

I would have been back by that night but I didn't want to be bothered. I knew this case would be very wearing and tiresome so I thought to give myself a few extra hours to sleep in and have some solitude before attending to business on Saturday. Turns out, those few extra hours turned much less restful than I had imagined.

***

"Alright, what do we got?" I said as I sat down at the conference table with Michelle and Peter Danville, the Chief of Police.

"Lisa, honestly...I don't know how he's gotten away with any of this." Michelle said, exasperated. "I mean, you'd think he'd gotten away with murder. The evidence is outstanding but it's all swept under the rug! What are we gonna do here?"

"Calm down, Michelle." I said. "We already know he has people paying others off to cover this shit up and keep quiet about it. All we need is someone to talk and it's curtains."

"Well, ladies," Peter said, "Today is your lucky day. Apparently, John Monroe wants to come forward."

"Wait," I said, with hushed excitement and surprise, "John Monroe? You mean...Terry's right hand man? Why does he want to talk all of a sudden?"

"Apparently, Hoskins tried to rip him off for some deal they made about an upcoming election. Hoskins told him to talk to some private investors that would provide lobbyists and Monroe backed down 'cos he didn't think it was right...some shit like that. Anyway, he's pissed off and wants to help us take him down. Giving us his full support."

Michelle looked like she had seen a ghost. "Oh my god," she said. "That's our ticket in!! How soon can we bring him in for questioning?"

"Gotta play this one safe for now, Michelle," Peter said. "If he's willing to talk, we have to operate on his terms. Let him come to us. This isn't time sensitive...all we know is that it's going on and we can finally nail this son of a bitch for rigging our city. You both need to be quiet. If Monroe reaches out to me or to either of you, that's when we have the meeting. He might still be fragile or second-guessing things. Let him make the move. Do you understand?"

Michelle and I both nodded in agreement. "Okay, we're done here," Peter said, exhausted. "You girls go home and get some rest. I want to meet with you both here at 7 AM sharp to talk about this further. We need to have a solid game plan in case Monroe comes through. I don't really know how this is gonna play out but we need to have every move in place...got me?" Peter looked at us, concerned.

"Yeah, understood," I said, "But how long do we let Monroe stay quiet? It could be weeks or months...weeks or months that that fucking asshole is still doing what he does. This isn't okay, Peter. Michelle, I'm surprised at you, too. Come on, you guys...what are we doing here?!" I was clearly frustrated and wasn't trying to hide it at this point.

"Lisa," Peter said. "I know this means a lot to you. Monroe is fragile. He could switch at any minute. We need to play this one safe."

Michelle piped up. "Lis, look. I am so grateful that you came on to advise but Peter's right. We have to move slow. We'll get him...trust me."

Trust. Trust I have. I looked at both of them dead in the eyes. "No disrespect to either of you...but please do not fuck this up."

They both smiled their consent. I had faith that this would, eventually, go well; however, a 7 AM meeting meant that I had little time to sleep. I thanked them for their time, got in my car and went right to The House. I took the usual back way and went up my private staircase to the back door of my room at the top.

When I had settled in, I heard some music playing downstairs which put a smile on my face. My girls work so hard that, whenever we're done for the night, I always encourage them to relax any way they see fit. Have a couple of drinks, put on some music, talk...whatever they want. It warmed my heart that they were taking advantage of a quiet night but I was supposed to be sleeping and couldn't...I was just too riled up. So there I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about the day ahead of me.

***

"Who wants another Jäger bomb?!" Beth said as she immediately poured three.

"Oh god, I don't think I can!" said Elise. She was a lightweight but decided to cut loose as there were no clients on Saturday which was rare for them. They had worked very hard all week and decided to have a party all for themselves.

"Oh come on, Elise. Grow a pair." Marisa was definitely three sheets to the wind at this point. She took the cup from Beth. "Cheers, bitch." she said as she downed the whole thing.

"Ha ha! Atta girl!" said Beth. "Elise...c'mon..." she said, half in the bag herself. "Do it!"

"You guys...I don't...I don't drink like...like you do," Elise stammered.

"Well you are tonight, sweetheart!" Beth said, shoving the cup toward Elise's face.

"God, okay...fine. Shh...shit...guys." Elise took a deep breath and took the shot. She barely choked it down and both Beth and Marisa cheered.

"Ayyyy, atta girl! WOO!" said Beth. "Elise, you need to lighten the fuck up. Life...life is too fucking short. You need to...you just need to fuckin'...loosen UP!"

"Hey, I've done stuff. Has Mother ever fucked you? That's...that's something that I have done. Huh? That's something."

Beth and Marisa both stopped dancing around and looked at Elise. "What?" Marisa said. "Kathryn fucked you?"

Elise's face dropped. "Well...I mean...I guess I...made love to her, but..."

"Wait, wait, wait..." Beth interjected. "Have you seen Kathryn's face?"

"Well, no...she...I was blindfolded but..."

"Holy shit. Hol-ly SHIT. Marisa!" Beth said. "Is she home?! Is she sleeping?"

"I don't know," Marisa said. "She shouldn't be. We should go see her bedroom!"

Elise piped up. "NO! You guys! What if she's in there?!"

Beth replied, "Elise, if she was in her bedroom, the door would be locked, stupid."

"Hey! I'm not stupid...I just know that she'd be really mad if we went in there," said Elise, defending herself.

Marisa got brave. "Guys. Let's go up to Kathryn's room. I wanna see all the shit that's in there anyway and MAYBE we can see a picture of her! I don't know why but I'm dying to see what that bitch really looks like."

"Ugh," said Beth, "Me too! Let's go!! Elise...come ON."

Elise reluctantly followed Beth and Marisa up the stairs and to the right where Kathryn's room was. Beth, being the bravest one, put her hand on the handle and it gave way immediately. They were more than confident that she wasn't in her room. The note she left earlier proved that. When the girls opened the door, they were met with a body in the bed. A woman with the same hair as Kathryn, the same height as Kathryn...they were all instantly afraid. They had walked in when Kathryn was, in fact, in her bed...sleeping...with her face exposed...and her eyes...those haunting dark brown eyes they had gotten to know so well...opened and focused on all three of them with a darkness they had never known before.

***

I was nestled in bed trying my hardest to fall asleep, coaxing myself into a bit of meditation...focusing on the warmth of my blanket, the softness of my pillow, the sound of my breath. I had the best intentions but nothing was working. I rolled over on my back and just thought to stop fighting it. Sleep would come when it would come. There was a strange noise that was coming outside my door, however. It sounded like a herd of cattle was coming up the stairs. I figured it must have been the girls and paid no mind...until I heard my door open. I didn't want to think the worst and then remembered that I came in the back door and failed to lock the front. But they wouldn't do that to me, would they? Why would they? It was when I heard hushed giggling that I opened my eyes and saw Beth and Marisa staring right at me with Elise lurking in the background. Beth said, "Oh SHIT!" and they tried to run but I sat up and said, "Girls..." They all stopped, slowly turned around and, with their heads down, lined up in front of me.

To this day, I can't accurately describe how I felt at that moment. I couldn't breathe, I doubt my heart was beating...I just sat at the edge of my bed, staring at the ground. I didn't even want to look at them. When it comes down to it, they saw my face...honestly, that alone is not that big of a deal. It is the principle of the thing. It was the one thing I have ever asked of them. Clearly, it wasn't enough. I was hurt, I was pissed, I felt violated...I was shattered. It felt like years of silence passed within seconds. Finally, I spoke up.

"Well...was it worth it?" I looked at each of them. Their eyes were fixated on the ground. Maybe it was just me about to go completely psychotic but I found that ironically funny. "Oh...so NOW you don't want to look at me?!" I slammed my hand against my headboard which made a loud crack. The three of them jolted and looked at me. Elise was already crying. Beth and Marisa looked like they were about to. "I...have asked you for so precious little. I have given you new lives, a fresh start, a place to live...a roof over your head, food to eat, a fucking education for fuck's sake and this is how you repay me? ANSWER ME!!" I screamed. I was in a rage now. All the memories of the past came flooding to me at once and I was losing it.

Marisa said, "Mother, please," in a hushed voice as emotion ran over her. "Please forgive us."

"No," I said, shaking my head...my fists balled up so tight they were going numb. "No, this...is unforgivable. You three now have two options. Two options and that is it. There is no bargaining, no agreements, no fucking discussions. You a) pack all of your shit and you leave tonight with nothing I have promised you or b) you atone...and you leave with what you've earned. Those are your choices."

"Mother..." squeaked Elise.

"Kathryn," I interrupted. "You will address me as Kathryn."

Elise started to cry harder. "K-Kathryn...do we have to go?"

"I'm afraid you three made a choice...and you left me with none. So yes...you have to go.

What do you choose?"

Beth took a step forward. "Kathryn, we didn't...know...what we were doing..."

"Oh, bullshit, Beth! You didn't know that coming in my room was off limits? After four FUCKING years, you didn't know what you were doing? I, honestly, ought to throw you all out of here right now and, trust me, I am this fucking close. Make your choice or I make it for you."

"We stay," Beth said, bravely. "We stay and we pay for what we did to you."

I stood up and looked her dead in the eyes. "Get the fuck out of my room," I hissed at her with my teeth tightly clenched. The three of them turned and followed suit and quietly shut my door behind them.

I collapsed onto my bed staring into the middle distance, not even completely sure of what just happened. Suddenly, I was hyperventilating and my eyes flooded with tears. I started to cry uncontrollably. I tried to breathe but I couldn't take in air . There was no room for anything in me. The thought of what just happened, what I did, what I said...this relentless sadness and pain was all I could feel. The world around me fell away and all I was left with was this black pit of emptiness. Clutching at my heart, I continued to weep until, mercifully, I blacked out and woke up with the sun.

When I came to, I could barely open my eyes because they were so swollen from tears. I had a pounding headache as well. I sat up and the blistering headache I had started to throb as blood started to move around my body. I must not have moved in my sleep all night. I looked at my clock and it was 6:48. There was no way I was going to be able to meet with Michelle and Capt. Danville so I shot her a quick text, loosely apologizing for having to bail. She got it right away and responded with a "no sweat, feel better!" Feel better. Not even if I tried.

I have never been one to subscribe to depression. Obviously, I know it's very real and obviously, I know it's a severe affliction but I just never subscribed to "feeling depressed." Oh, but I did at that moment. The hollowness...this unbreakable sadness...for the first time in a long time...hell, if ever...I felt vulnerable and weak. I felt like I wasn't in my own body, even. I felt like I was just floating with no direction and that scared the hell out of me. To think, in mere hours, my entire life fell apart and that was all it took. Just one misstep of trust...and the woman I had worked so hard to create shattered like fine china into a million pieces that could never be put back together again. I looked at myself in the mirror. My face was swollen, red, puffy...I didn't even look like myself. Moreover, I didn't want to look at myself. A monster was staring back at me.

I didn't bother brushing my hair or anything before making my way downstairs. I was a shell of myself and, as I have always been known to do, wanted to make sure my appearance reflected how I felt...ugly. I made my way into the parlour and sat down on the settee. I looked around at this palace I had built and what it meant...all the work that had gone into it. Then, all the memories of the past flooded my mind. The parties, the deep conversations, the laughs, and the tears. All the growth that I have personally experienced and all the growth I shared with the girls...the girls. The thought of their once happy faces were now wiped away with sharp remembrance of their faces early this morning. They were terrified. I did that to them. My eyes welled with tears yet again.

I got up off the settee and shuffled into the kitchen. I opened up a cabinet that contained our liquor stash for parties and I grabbed an unopened bottle of whiskey. I opened up another pantry and grabbed a glass and shuffled back up to my room. If I was going to feel like trash, I was going to really dive into the dumpster where I felt I belonged.

When I got up to my room, I sat the bottle and the glass down on the dresser, sat down at the edge of my bed and stared at it. It was a stupid idea...for Christ's sake, it wasn't even 8:00 in the morning. I knew it wasn't going to take away the pain but I needed to feel something other than this for a while, if only for a while. I got up and cracked the bottle, poured half a glass and chugged it down. Well...if I was gonna do this, I was gonna do it right. I locked my bedroom door (this time), put on some music and poured another glass. I raised the glass in the air as if making a toast to the universe. "Well...to the death of it all," I said and took another gulp of whiskey.

I don't know when I decided to go back to bed or pass out or whatever happened but I woke up at 5:00 with a half empty glass on the nightstand next to me. I don't know if I was still drunk, hungover, or a combination of both but, whatever it was, it didn't feel good. I finished the glass and got up to check my phone. There were a bunch of text messages from Daniel wondering where I was and if I was alright. I texted back "Meet me at The House. Lots to say."

About an hour later, I was still in my shorts and tank top that I had fallen asleep in on Friday night and was roughly five sheets to the wind. There was a knock on the back door and I stumbled out of my vanity chair to answer it. It was Daniel looking very worried.

"Heyyyyyyyyy, there he is!" I slurred.

"Jesus, Lisa! I can smell you from here! How much have you had to drink?!...and why??"

"Oh, pfsh...I've only had like...like half a bottle." I was trying to focus on him but there were two of him at that point. I...may have overdone it a little.

"Yeah, half too much. What is going on?"

"First of all," I said, "you mind your own godddamn business. If I want to drink another whole bottle of whiskey, that is MY business. And you...don't get to say anything because you...because you don't."

Daniel sighed. I can't blame him. Dealing with any drunk person when you're sober is crappy enough. Dealing with a drunk, highly emotional Domme is easily five times worse. "Lisa, sit down. What happened?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened," I stammered. "My life...is officially over. Say goodbye to this house, say goodbye to stupid Kathryn, and you can say goodbye to those fucksticks I hired 'cos it's all over. The whole fucking thing...is over."

"Lisa, what in the world are you talking about?" he said, his voice full of genuine concern.

I leaned in as if to tell him a secret. "I mean this. My dream is done. It died...and those...those fuckers killed it," I said pointing toward my bedroom door with tears starting to form for the hundredth time.

"Lisa, I can't understand you. I need you to tell me exactly what happened."

"Okay, fine. Fine, I'll tell you. Last night, I couldn't sleep and those...those jerks...came into my room 'cos they thought I was sleeping...well, I was sleeping...but I couldn't sleep and they came into my room and they saw me."

Daniel's mouth opened a little wider as he realized what happened.

"Yep...they saw me. They saw...this." and I pointed to my face. "'Cos they couldn't let me have just one thing for myself. Nope, they just take, take, take. Everyone...just takes from me, Danny. They take and they take..." I started to weep again. "They take everything from me and I have nothing left to give, Danny! Nothing!"

Daniel took the glass from me and held me tight as I wept into him.

"Why? Why did they do this to me?" I said, my voice muffled in his chest.

"I don't know, baby," he whispered. "But I am so sorry." He paused for a minute as I began to settle down a bit. "What are you going to do?"

I sat up and wiped the tears from my face. "It's over. I can't come back from this. It's done. The girls are done. I'm letting them go."