The End of My First Marriage

She looked at me again for a moment, surprised at being reminded of all the things she had said.

"What happens now?" she asked between tears.

"Your Mom will be here in a bit, then I'll leave. My miserable existence here is over. This place is all yours. Your lover will be back. His insulting you was just to get to me. It was just another way of him belittling me. But do be careful with your money with him. After the divorce, 'The Bank of Hubby' will be closed.

I went out to the porch. A few minutes later her mom drove up. I greeted her at her car and she gave me a warm hug and asked if I was alright. "No, I'm not. But Lisa is in worse shape. Sarah, Lisa needs her mother right now. The children are also leaving her. Be gentle with her." Sarah went into the house, and I got into my car and left.

The next day Lisa called the school to say she was sick. Jeremy went in and was promptly escorted out, advised he was suspended without pay pending termination.

That day Lisa spent with her mother. Lisa was in bad shape and Sarah didn't leave her side.

On Tuesday, Lisa went to school and learned that Jeremy had been fired and that she had been placed on probation. Betty approached her and told her to lean on her as much as she needed in this difficult time. They finally talked for the first time in months.

That afternoon, as Linda was leaving, Jeremy met her in the parking lot, but I let her tell that story from her diary.

March 18

What has happened? In the span of ten minutes my who world collapsed. Mark left. The kids have moved out. A very angry Jeremy shows up to beat up Mark but backs down when Mark stands up to him. Jeremy then says the most horrible things about me, and leaves. I then call my darling Linda and she tells me that I am dead to her. What have I done?

March 20

I went to school today. Collins summoned me into his office, told me I had violated the morals clause of my contract, that I would be given a written reprimand that would be placed in my HR file, and that I would be placed on probation for the rest of the contract year, and next year's contract would also be subject to the same probation. I was so humiliated standing in front of Collins. He also told me that the Superintendent wanted to terminate me, but Mark's standing up for me made the difference.

Betty came up to me and hugged me when I came out of Collins office. She asked how I was holding up. She told me not to do this by myself, that she was there for me to lean on. I cried. I have been so cold to her this year.

After the last bell, Betty came to my room to talk. She told me how much she had missed me. Then she told me how she didn't want anything to do with me until Mark called. Mark asked her to help me. She said she is so glad she did, because under all this sadness and pain I am in now, she can see the old me.

As I was leaving school, there was Jeremy leaning against my car. He told me he finally decided to leave his wife. He asked if the wimp had moved out yet, when I told him he had, he told me that he was going to move in with me. I was stunned, after all those things he said just two days earlier, and he was going on as if Sunday never happened. Mark may have been right about him. I told him my mom was staying with me, and that now would not work. He then suggested a visit to our 'love motel.' I told him, no, that I needed some space after the shit that had happened. He started to explain, but I told him not now and got in my car and left.

Then came Saturday morning. I was staying with my brother when there was aloud pounding on the door. I was closest, so I answered it. It was Lisa.

"You've poisoned my babies against me, you fucking bastard!" she screamed at me.

"Hey sweetie, please come in." I said in as soft a voice as I could manage.

"You've turned my mom against me, you've turned my friends against me, you've turned my school against me! You've left me nothing!" She continued to scream.

"Lisa, may I say something?" I said while she was catching her breath.

"No!" She shouted.

"I need you to give me my babies back!" She continued.

"I agree," I said. "Our children need you, Lisa. I know that. We need them to get over this."

"Don't give me your bullshit. You caused this, you son of a bitch!" Her anger was unabated, and she still hadn't moved from the front door. I could hear my brother standing just behind me.

"I'd like to talk about it." I said softly.

With that she screamed, "Oh, fuck you!" Then turned and stormed off.

I called Lisa's Mom. I told her what happened. Her Mom said she was agitated this morning, but when she left, she had no idea where she was going.

"Mark, she is in a bad place, and she needs someone to blame besides herself."

"Of course, you are right Sarah." With that our conversation ended.

March 26

I am only barely making it. Linda is not returning any of my calls or texts. Larry did pick up, but only to tell me that he cannot talk to me now and to not call him again.

Jeremy made another parking lot appearance. He told me he is suing his wife for divorce, and he wants to move in with me. Betty had already told me that it is his wife who had filed for divorce. I hesitated, part of me wants him back, but finally said my mother had moved in the house and I needed time. I thought about what Mark said of him coming back because of the money in the divorce settlement. I also thought about what Jeremy said about me and the lies he told me about his wife. He was a good lover, and I did love him, but I am a little smarter now. I didn't shut him down completely, there is still the idea of us living openly together. But that idea is worn and tattered.

I only have Mom and Betty; both of whom think I am a slut who has wronged innocent Mark.

I confronted Mark yesterday. I told him what I thought of him, the little shit. He stood there and listened. He tried to speak, but I shut him down.

I have no idea what to do now. My classroom is my safe place. Staying busy keeps me from thinking about the shit that surrounds me.

She had eight weeks to tough it out with the kids till school was out for the summer. She made it, but only by the skin of her teeth. Sarah and Betty pretty much had to drag her over the finish line. Lisa had gone to a doctor who put her on anti-depressants and a psychologist who counseled her with three sessions a week throughout May and June. There was improvement, but she was still a wreck.

The psychologist told Lisa that she had become depressed when the last of her babies left the nest. And when the first shiny thing appeared in front of her, she grabbed it in the hope that it would make her feel better. But then her counselor warned her not to blame what happened on depression. Many people become depressed, and most of them don't grab the first fellow that smiles at them, abandoned their family, and screw someone else's husband's brains out. Only she was responsible for how things worked out.

April 16

This week I finished my first week of counseling with Dr. Pat, the psychologist. She is helping me talk through the pain and hopefully find a way out of this mess I am in. She has been kind, but that does not mean this has been easy.

Mom says that Mark has been calling every day to check on me and he gives her reports on Larry and Linda. At Mark's request, the kids called Mom just to talk about school. Linda told Mom she wouldn't talk about me. Larry told Mom that it was too painful to talk about what happened, but that maybe someday.

Mark is manipulating everything, trying to make it worse for me. Sure, he has promised me all sorts of riches, but that's only words. He is trying to get me to let my guard down.

Towards the end of April, it happened again. The pounding on the door on a Saturday morning. Because it was familiar, I went to the door. It was Lisa. She wasn't screaming this time.

"You win, I give up. What can I do to get the kids back?" She asked.

"Please come in sweetie" I replied.

She very gingerly stepped into my brother's house but continued to talk loudly.

"Is it the house? Do you want me to give up the house?" asked Lisa.

"No, dear. Not at all." I replied.

"The money?" she asked.

"I want nothing from you." I responded. "Lisa, our children need you. I clouded up your relationship with them by letting them see that you hurt me. And you clouded up that relationship by hurting me. We both must unfuck what we have done. Not for our sakes, but for theirs."

Lisa listened and we continued our conversation. I told her what I have repeatedly told them was that you were a great mother, that you loved them both intensely and while you had been a shitty wife, you are a great mother.

I suggested we call the kids. I picked up my phone and dialed them both up on a three-way connection. I told them mom was with me and was listening. I assured them they didn't have to talk to her, they just had to listen to me. I told them Mom and I had put aside our differences to convince them that they need to open their hearts to their mom. We were not asking for forgiveness, just an effort to move forward. "None of us are perfect, including your mom, except where it involves her love for you guys." I told them. I then told them to just think of what I had just said. They both promised they would.

Linda spoke up. "Is creepy boyfriend still in the picture?" Lisa answered that he was not. "Good. I'll think about it" and abruptly hung up.

Larry then said, "goodbye, Dad." And hung up too.

The sharp ending was upsetting, but Lisa liked what I said and said so.

I then asked Lisa if she could come over next Saturday morning to take stock in any progress with the kids and figure out what to do next. She agreed.

May 6

I went over to Mark's yesterday. I was still angry about the way he had involved the kids. He accepted some responsibility and then asked that we work together to fix things between me and my babies. We called the kids and Mark spoke to them while I listened in. He told them to open their hearts to me. He said I was a shitty wife, but a perfect mother. Linda asked if Jeremy was still in the picture, and I said no. She then hung up. Mark said we need to give them time, it is still raw for them. He added, it's still raw for him, too. I do have more hope today.

We met the next Saturday morning to talk about the kids. I had breakfast ready for her. I told her the kids were not quite ready to move on, but they were no longer expressing anger and bitterness in our calls. My focus was to get them to stay with their mom over summer break, but that wasn't happening, so I went ahead and put a deposit on a furnished apartment for us. Lisa was not happy. Reconciliation must be voluntary, not forced, I told her.

May 20

Yesterday, Mark told me he has rented himself a furnished apartment and the kids would stay there with him for summer vacation. I was disappointed, but not really surprised.

One more week and school is out. I am exhausted.

My psychologist, Doctor Pat, spent the week making me talk about Jeremy. It was painful. But she needed me to face the fact because I was cheating, and I had rubbed Mark out of existence. So long as he was invisible, I didn't have to deal with the betrayal and pain I was inflicting on him. She made me deal with the fact that I had fallen in love with a shallow, crude, manipulative man and in doing so had thrown away a 25-year marriage.

I continued to try to get the kids to reconcile with their mom. Their response: 'she destroyed our family,' to which I would say 'no one suffers more from that than her.' But they agreed to at least meet their mother. I set it up for dinner. They promised to let the night be a mere 'social' event to see if they could even stand being in the same room with her.

Next, I went over to talk to Lisa. It was the first time I had been to the house since the Sunday afternoon confrontation. We spoke on the porch. I asked her over for dinner at my brother's just to try to be social again. I told her my brother would be there, but I didn't tell her the kids would be, because I wasn't sure they would be, even after their promises.

The kids did show up and they were even early. Lisa arrived right on time. As she entered, the kids were out of sight in a bedroom. Lisa thanked me for the invitation and gave my brother a hug and thanked him for taking care of me. As she broke the hug with my brother, I asked her "what about the two behind you?"

She turned, seeing her children she burst into a great smile, laughed, then cried, and then started to sob. After a pause, Linda said, "Mom? Mommy don't cry!" as she rushed to hug her mother.

The kids were shocked to see their mother dissolve in front of them. It caught them unprepared. For them to stay angry Lisa had to be defiant, and she wasn't.

My son joined his sister, calling out a more restrained, "Mom, please, don't cry."

Even my brother was teary eyed. I was the only dry eye in the house.

After ten minutes, Lisa finally broke her hug with her son and daughter and walked over to me, and hugged me tight and said, "I never deserved you."

I finally ended it with, "Okay, enough of this. Who's hungry?"

When dinner was on the table and we were all seated, Lisa asked my brother if she could say a blessing. He nodded, we all held hands, Lisa sitting next to me. After a moment, Lisa said, "as we gather for a family meal, please God, forgive me my sins against my family. Thank you for my son and daughter, who I love with all my heart. And thank you for my husband who has put aside his just anger with me to save our family. He is a good man, to whom I have done much evil." After a long moment, Lisa released my hand and tried to act pretend all was normal and told her son to pass the meat to his uncle.

After the meal, Lisa and the kids took a walk. My brother and I sat and drank some coffee. "Well, that was a hell of a tearjerker" says my brother.

"Yeah, that ought to hold us for a while." I replied. I was wrong.

A half an hour later, Lisa and the kids returned and Lisa said to me, "the kids told me how it was you that finally brought us all together. You may not believe me, but I do love you. I have been so lost, so wrong. I had a wonderful thing and I threw it away." With that she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. I received her kiss and wrapped my arms around her tight.

When we finally broke for air, I whispered into her ear, "I never, ever stopped loving you. I tried, I really tried."

After an hour more of chatting, it was time to go. I asked my son to drive his mom home because she was a bit spacey from all the excitement. I followed so I could drive my son home. As we were leaving, Lisa gave me another hug and asked quietly, "please, stay with me tonight."

"No," I said. "I do love you, but I'm still in too much pain.

She sighed and kissed me sweetly on the lips and said, "Maybe someday soon."

June 23d

I am still shaking from last night. Mark surprised me at dinner at his brother's by having my babies there. After all I have done, he is still standing up for me, he still places me first in everything he does. I had assumed he would always be angry with me, but he is not. He is still angry, but compassion seems to be the stronger feeling.

My babies and I have a lot to work on, but they still love me and that means everything.

I don't know if Mark and I have a future after what I have done, but I know he still loves me too.

The kids moved back with Lisa for the rest of the Summer. I called her often for a quick chat. The kids also reported on how their mom was doing. They would tell me she better, but they could tell there was still sadness about her.

So, did I want to pursue a reconciliation with her after all she had done to me. It would never be like before, but was there something to salvage?

One day Linda asked to have lunch with me. We had a light meal at a local eatery, and after we had finished, she asked, "Dad, why don't you move back with us? Larry and I want you back, and more important, so does Mom."

"Oh, sweetie, that is a hard question. I do love your mother very much. But I am a coward. She hurt me very much. My male pride is in a shambles. Maybe male pride is an evolutionary hang over from our cave man days, but that doesn't make it any less real. I saw your mom break down over you kids and I saw her break down over her lover, but she never broke down over me. I know she wants me back but is it because she has found the love we once had and lost or is it because she wants security and a cuddle now and then? If it's the second thing, then the next young, attractive, charmer will sweep her off her feet again. I haven't the strength to endure that.

Linda listened, nodded, and said, "I understand. But somethings you just have to take on faith."

"And maybe someday I will have that faith, or courage or strength, or whatever it is I need to stick my neck on the chopping block again. Don't give up on hope yet."

Two months later the kids left for college. For Lisa things were a little better when they the kids were around. But now she was alone again and dreaded about being around her peers at school who all knew about her shameful behavior. But she felt she had to go back to teaching. The Saturday morning after the start of Lisa's school year, I showed up at her front door.

"I would you like to discuss our futures," I said. She invited me and we sat at the kitchen table. She made coffee and we chatted about nothing for a few minutes.

"Look, sweetie," I began. "I don't know whether you even want us to have a future. But if you are up for just exploring the idea, I'd like to have a conversation about it. I mean a brutally honest conversation. Our old marriage is dead, but maybe, maybe we can start anew. Such a thing may not be possible, there has been way too much pain, but I am willing to discuss it."

I sipped my coffee. Lisa said, "I would very much like that." And then she asked, "Just curious, but since we are on the subject, why haven't you filed for divorce yet?

"Oh, the Petition for Divorce and a proposed Settlement Agreement have been on my desk for three or four months now just waiting for my signature."

She nodded, "oh, okay."

"I won't sign it while there might be a chance to salvage something." I then asked. "How about next Saturday we spend the whole day discussing this?"

Saturday came quickly. Lisa fixed a nice breakfast. After breakfast and a leisurely coffee, we talked like we used to talk. Then, reluctantly, we got started.

She asked if I'd ever forgive her. My response was I didn't know, the hurt is still real and deep. But maybe we can move on from here. I need to understand what happened and why. It will be painful for me and you. It is what I need. And I need you to know the pain you caused.

She nodded.

"The days before your weekend with Jeremy in the mountains, I read a couple of years' worth of your diary. I saved it to my computer, printed it off and have copies at my office. That's why I was in the house when Jeremy and you were going at it."

I continued, "it seems you began to lose interest in us months before Jeremy."

"Well, that explains how you knew so much. I had guessed as much. But as to when I lost interest, no, I don't think that is true. Why do you say that?" interrupted Lisa.

I talked about references to me in her diary, how they seem to decline months before Jeremy entered the picture. I also told her I had sensed a distance between us at about the same time. And I was very much aware that our love making had hit a rough patch.