The End of the Affair

"That's just it. You're there for each other. No one is there just for their mate. Face it, you're all doing this because you're afraid of being alone together. You don't have much in the way of a solid base. It's just shifting sands while you bounce from one to the other."

I sighed. "I know I don't have any right to judge you. After all, I was one of you. But I made my decision as I rode back here and realized it had been coming for a long time. I'm not happy, and I won't be happy until it's just me and one other person. Someone who can't run off to someone else if I get on her nerves. That's part of it, in my opinion, getting on each other's nerves but knowing you had to stay and deal with it."

"You can't mean that!"

I looked at Claire. "Claire, how many nights have you spent in our bed this month?"

"Enough."

Enough for who? Not me. You've been home, or what should be your home, eight days so far this month, and today's the 27th. Even if you spent the rest of the month with me it would only be 11. Eleven out of thirty. That's not a marriage. Not to me anyway."

"But we had commitments!"

"We had commitments to each other, first. You remember those? Maybe standing in front of your friends and family with me and a preacher might ring some bells."

"We've already discussed this! That type of marriage is obsolete. Before too many more years, marriages like ours will be mainstream and no one will judge."

"They probably will. But even if it is mainstream, it still comes down to choice. What happens when couples refuse the lifestyle? You gonna force them? All of you know that will never happen. Maybe some time in the future, when dinosaurs like me become extinct. I suspect that will be a very, very long time from now."

Heather offered her opinion. "We all love each other, Jake. I love you, just like I love Mark and Jeff. It makes us stronger."

"Ever hear the expression divide and conquer? That's exactly what we've been doing, dividing out time with other people and conquering none of the obstacles that couples have to deal with. Did you ever once think 'I'd really like to be in my own bed with my own spouse tonight' as you lay with your lovers? And despite all the fancy descriptions, that's all we are. We're lovers. We might have fondness for each other, but deep down we don't love each other, at least not my description of love."

There were immediate protests. I just let them babble until they ran out of steam. When they wound down, I changed directions. "Mark, Jeff, this is for you. If your wives came to you right now, today, and told you they were tired and wanted to be exclusive again, could you? I ask because you're a little different from me and enjoy sex with each other. Could you lie beside your wife every night and not fantasize about a good hard cock, knowing you would never have one again? Kathy, how about you? Could you sleep with your husband exclusively and not dream about a woman's touch, knowing it was denied from you for the rest of your lives?"

The silence stretched until Mark finally said "But we don't have to. I'm happy with the way things are. Everybody gets what they want and everybody's happy."

Heather looked like she was deep in thought. I think I was throwing out things she had never considered before. I turned to Amber. "Where do you stand in all this?"

"I'm just a plus one. I don't have a dog in this fight. I drifted into this because I was alone and confused and you guys befriended me. I've been thinking about leaving for months now. I'd like to find a man who wants just me, maybe have kids. My clock isn't ticking, but I think motherhood would be good for me."

I think I was the only one who wasn't surprised. Amber was young, but she wasn't an idiot.

"None of this would have happened if your wife could have kept her legs closed!"

Heather had a point. I looked at Claire and she looked a little pale. "What about that, honey? Have you been out recruiting? If you lie and I find out we will never again be man and wife. If you have any hopes of staying with me you better tell us the truth."

She fidgeted for a minute. "It was nothing! A stupid fling that I thought wouldn't harm anyone. I'll end the affair!"

"You had three men and a woman available to you and you still had to go looking? How many people do you need?" This was from Mark and he seemed really pissed. "You've exposed all of us. What happens if you've picked up a little something and have to reveal everyone you've been sleeping with to health professionals? This is a small town, one of the reasons we're discreet when we're out as a group. We can explain everything anyone sees away as just a group of old friends having fun and flirting harmlessly. If we were to show up en masse to be tested, how long do you think it will take for someone to start wondering? You've really fucked things up here. Needless to say, you need to stay home until we're sure we're safe."

Heather was a little pissed as well. "Why were you doing this, Claire? We've got years invested in each other and that's in danger now. If the group implodes, I'm laying it on your doorstep!"

Everybody quieted down and I gave them a few minutes to gather themselves.

"Claire, you were right about it being the end of the affair. Not what you did now, but in general. This has been one big long affair. I like all of you, but I'm out. From now on I'll only sleep with my wife, and if she can't do the same, we'll part ways. Please don't make this difficult, you guys. I'm not judging your lifestyle, and I still want to be your friend. That will be up to you. It's just not for me anymore."

There wasn't really a lot more to say. Everybody left, even Amber, and she made it clear that all she needed was a place to sleep, alone. Claire just sat there for a minute.

"Can you do it?"

She came out of her self-contemplation and looked at me. "Do what?"

"Be monogamous. One partner for the rest of your life, no exceptions."

"I... I don't want to. Can't we..."

"We can't. When we started on this journey, I knew in my heart that it would end this way. I tried, though, because I really loved you. But even with as many partners as you had, it just wasn't enough. Oh, I'm sure you'll try and probably last for a while, but the temptation will just be too strong and you'll be back to your old ways. And just so you know, I don't judge the others, but I am judging you. There isn't a faithful bone in your body. I have a feeling you were playing around even before we joined the group. Let's spare ourselves the misery of trying and just declare it done."

She was having a hard time processing what I was saying. I thought for a minute she might hyperventilate, but she got her breathing under control. Claire tried off and on for the rest of the evening to talk me around, but by bedtime she realized I was done.

We didn't sleep together that night. She slept in Amber's room. I lay there trying to figure out how my life had gotten to this point before exhaustion finally forced me into sleep.

She was up the next morning preparing breakfast and I started helping. Old habits are hard to break, and it kind of gave me comfort. We ate pretty much in silence, and she said she had some errands and left right afterwards. I found out later she went to see everyone, looking for support. She apparently didn't get much.

I wasn't really surprised when I got home the next day to see her stuff gone. There was a note on the kitchen table.

"You were right. We're too far apart to ever be together again. I'm sorry it turned out this way. I thought we had the perfect life. I talked to the group yesterday and the general consensus is that if you're out, I'm out. They're still pretty pissed over me going outside the group, and while they didn't say it outright, they don't trust me any longer.

"I took exactly half the money in our accounts. I have no desire to cheat you out of anything (except our marriage, I thought), and I know you owned the house before we got married so it's yours. I would ask you let me take some of the furniture when I get a place, as well as a few mementos that I didn't have room for today.

"I'll always love you. Who knows? Maybe someday, huh? I won't count on it but it's a nice fantasy.

Claire."

The group arrived on Wednesday. They had called ahead to okay it. They were still my friends and none of this mess was their making other than the obvious, so I welcomed them. We talked for a while and everyone expressed their regret. Jeff told me he'd have his tools out by the weekend.

"Why? You're still welcome any time. All of you are. Just as friends without benefits."

I think that relaxed all of them. We ended up cooking a meal together and Amber sat with me at the table. "Can I come home now?"

"Yes, you can. We won't be sleeping together, though. I'm still processing."

"I figured as much, but I want to be in my own bed. If you want me, call me, even if it's just to snuggle."

She stayed four more months and we never had sex once. Oddly enough, I felt like I would be cheating if I slept with anyone before I was completely divorced. Amber found a nice little apartment and thought she would be happy there. Jeff and Mark came by to help move her bedroom suite. Her only regret was having to leave the armoire Jeff had made for her. It was just too big to fit into the apartment. I made her a promise that as soon as she got a bigger place, or got married, or even lived with someone, we would make sure she got it.

I got the divorce degree in five months. It was all very civilized: no screaming rants, no drama, no fights over assets. Just sign here, sign here, sign here, congratulations, you're divorced.

The group, of course, exiled her and I idly wondered what she was doing for sex, but then I remembered how beautiful she was and how she was fooling around even before the divorce, so I doubt she lacked for male companionship. Or female, for that matter.

Mark and Kathy divorced a year later for reasons unknown, at least to me. I asked Jeff one day if he had found anyone else to join with or they were alone now in forced monogamy. He grinned. "This isn't as small a town as you would think. Heather and I are with two more couples right now, and there's another that has expressed interest in our lifestyle. We're taking it very slowly, being very careful, but things look promising."

Well, good for them. Everyone deserves happiness and fulfillment, no matter what path they chose.

When Mark left Jeff and I bought out his share of the boat. He and I were scheduled to go fishing one morning and he called ahead, wanting to know if he could bring a couple of friends along. I knew they were part of his new group and had no objection.

Bill and Fred were nice guys, but couldn't fish worth a damn. I took Bill and Jeff took Fred, we gave them a Fishing 101 tutorial and by the afternoon they were holding their own. Jeff had told them a little of my history and they hinted around, but I told them I had left that lifestyle, and besides, I didn't have a partner. The way Fred was looking at me I had a feeling he was willing to make an exception.

They became fishing buddies, and then they came out to the farm, if you can call the fifteen acres that were left from the original tract a farm. I tended to think of it as a very large lawn with a few trees. My cousins owned about sixty acres behind it and lived out of state, so I pretty much had the run of the place. I owned the barn, but not the pastures behind it, but could use them if I wanted. I never wanted until Fred begged me to let him put his horses there, willing to pay rent. He had four, and I thought it would be good to keep the pastures grazed so they didn't turn into scrub brush. I told him he could and I wouldn't charge him, but I wasn't taking care of them.

Fred came out with two horse trailers and a flat-bed full of hay. He brought his family with him and they all pitched in to store the feed and get the horses settled. The rest of their group tagged along and I got to meet them all. Besides Jeff and Kathy, the wives of Fred and Bill were there, as well as another couple who had joined them about four months before.

They appeared to be good people and we got along pretty well. The ladies went down to the local supermarket and I fired up the brick barbeque my grandfather had built sixty years before for occasions just like this. There was alcohol, but they drank little and as the day wound down, we were all lazing around. Fred's wife Sarah ended up beside me and after some small talk, she asked me if I knew a Claire Wilson.

"I was married to a woman named Claire, but it only lasted six years. Last I heard she had moved away."

"Did you know why?"

"Not really. I didn't even know she moved until someone told me afterwards."

"If it's the same person, and I think it is, would you like to know why she moved?"

"Not if it's going to depress me. I hope she's doing well despite us going separate ways. There wasn't any hate there at the end. At least on my part, we had just reached a fork in the road and she went left and I went right."

"She remarried after you, and she and her new husband were part of a group I was in. They didn't last a year before they were gone. They weren't really like us; I'd classify them more as swingers than polyamorists. It got out of hand when they gave us a little gift, if you know what I mean. It wasn't particularly nasty and easily cured with a couple of shots, but the indignity of going through it made us vote them out. They didn't take it particularly well. The group fell apart after that.

"Then we met Jeff and Kathy a few months later and they brought in Bill and Martha. We've been together for eighteen months. Stan and Chloe are our newbies. Tell me, do you ever miss it?"

"Believe it or not, sometimes I do. Not necessarily the sex, although for the most part it was great, but the feeling of belonging to a close-knit group of people you knew would have your back. You guys seem to have that and I'm happy for you. It's just not for me anymore."

She grinned. "Well, if you ever change your mind, I have a sister."

"You'll be the first one I call."

As they were leaving that night, she gave me some more information. "Something else about Claire I need to tell you. I wasn't sure until I found out what kind of guy you seem to be. Claire and her husband joined a group of swingers. A large group. It got out of hand when a new woman showed up, without her husband. He was not happy when he caught her and burned the group to the ground. He had pictures and recordings he posted on the internet. There were some pretty heavy hitters in the group and when they got outed, it cost a couple their careers. Claire's new husband was the one that brought her in and it got very uncomfortable for them. The pressure got so bad they divorced.

"You need to know Claire has moved back home. I talked to her and she's in intensive therapy, private sessions and in a group. Sex addicts. She seems to be improving. Just thought you should know in case you see her."

I thought about that after they left. Claire was a sex addict. I looked it up and the profile fit. I don't know if it's possible to recover, but I wished her the best.

*****

Amber came by to see me with the same news. We had kept in touch and she called me one day, wanting to ask me an important question. Would I walk her down the aisle?

She looked absolutely amazing in her gown, and I wondered as I looked at her where the shy and insecure child I had known went, to be replaced by a competent young woman of sparkling beauty. Her husband seemed a good guy and totally devoted to her. They had the little girl not long after they married, and she was a cute, well behaved baby. They came out one day so she could show him her armoire and see if it would fit in her house. We measured it, and from the way he talked I doubted it would fit.

The baby had seen the horses and had a fit, so I carried her down and when they crowded the fence, she shrank back against me pretty tight. I think after she figured out they weren't going to eat her, she relaxed, rubbing their noses and giggling. I took her into the pasture and put her on the back of Molly, an old mare with the gentlest disposition I had ever seen on an animal. I got her to walk a few steps while she giggled. Amber tried to frown when we came out.

"Now all I'm going to hear from now on is that she wants a horse."

"Well, I got plenty of pasture." Her husband Bob laughed and said they'd get back with me in eight or ten years.

When baby Belle went down for a nap, she told me about seeing Claire.

"I almost didn't recognize her, Jake. She must have put on thirty pounds and she wasn't wearing it well. I invited her to the house and we had coffee while she played with Belle.

"You know, if we had stuck to the plan, I'd have one almost that old now."

"She asked if I had kept in touch with everyone, and I told her I saw Jeff and Kathy every once in a while. I had no idea where Mark and Heather were. She asked me if I ever saw you and I told her we were still close, that you walked me down the aisle and was the godfather of my child. She had tears in her eyes when I told her you were doing well and that she should come and see you. She wasn't sure of her welcome."

I don't know if she was fishing or not, but I told her she should give you a call and gave her your new number. Have you heard from her?"

"No, but she has no reason to be scared. I don't hate her, although I did hate what she became. It's water under the bridge now. I have no intention of ever starting a relationship with her again, but I can tolerate her socially. If you see her again tell her to drop by. Make sure you tell her what I said, I don't want her coming by with expectations."

Three weeks later they were back, and Claire was with them. Amber was right, although she told me before they arrived, she had lost some weight and was smiling more. There were still a lot of lines around her eyes. I carried Belle down to the barn and she had a fit when she saw the small pony.

Amber didn't know whether to grin or complain.

"I didn't go out looking for a pony, if you're thinking that. Jeff had a friend who was moving out of state and had to get rid of her and his horses. He called me wanting to know if he could bring them here and give him a chance to find a place to board them. He'd moved to New York City, and when he found out it cost almost as much to board a horse as it did to rent an apartment, he asked Fred if he would find them good homes. The white mare and the gray gelding are the new additions. You guys want a horse?"

Claire was petting the white mare and I saw the first smile since she'd gotten here. Amber and Bob carried Belle back to the house and left us alone.

"How come you haven't remarried?"

"Haven't found anyone I wanted to marry yet. How about you? I heard you and your new husband split up. I'm sorry to hear that. Have you dated anyone since you've moved back?"

"No. I think I'm going to stay out of relationships for a while until I get my head in the right space. I know Amber told you I was in counseling, and what I was receiving help for. It's kind of odd, the woman who wanted to have sex with almost everybody is now celibate. I stay out of bars and compromising situations because I know how easy it would be to slip back. The rush of bedding a new person is every bit as strong as an alcoholic craving a drink or a junkie looking for a fresh fix."

She was silent for a second and as we were waking back, she hit me with the question I knew was coming. "Jake, do you think we could spend time together again? Just so you know if we do you won't be getting any, at least for a while."

I gave it a minute. "It's not a good idea, Claire. Too much baggage. I don't think we could get past ghosts of the past, and I don't see a good ending."