The Everheart Letters

The Everheart Letters -- A Midwestern Decameron -- consist of ten folios of letters curated from the lost letter box in Everheart North Dakota

FOLIO ONE

LETTER NUMBER ONE -- AN INCIDENT AT ARBY'S

Manager

Arby's Restaurant

2398 N. Myrtle Street

Everheart, ND

Dear Arby's:

My name is Amanda Featherbottom and I am writing to complain about what is going on at your Arby's restaurant located at 2398 N. Myrtle Street here in Everheart, North Dakota

There are these two boys who come to your restaurant every day between 2:30 and 2:45 in the afternoon after they get off work at the chicken processing plant. One is named Jason Tiberson, and the other is Orville Gast. Jason is the taller one with dark wavy hair and big chest muscles. Orville is not as tall but has long blond hair that makes him look like a prince in a fairy tale. Neither one of them is super-cute but they are better-than-average cute.

These boys have been looking up my dress.

I go to your restaurant every afternoon and order jalapeno poppers and a Coke, and then I sit at my favorite table to eat. This table is just two tables away from where them boys always sit.

For a long time they didn't pay me no nevermind even if I smiled at them. They ate their sandwiches, and I ate my poppers, and we never talked to each other even though the dining area had nobody else in it. But one day I was relaxing, reading a comic book and eating my poppers and I happened to have my legs apart. Well, I look up from my comic book and Orville is looking up my dress. I couldn't believe it. I left my legs apart for a while to make sure, and as long as they were apart, he was staring right at me. Then I put them together, and he went back to talking to Jason like I wasn't even there no more.

That night I was very disturbed about what happened and couldn't sleep for thinking about how Orville had feasted his eyes on my panties. Then I thought maybe I was wrong and I had imagined it all. I would think the best of them boys until I had more evidence.

The next day was one of them hot days when I don't wear panties at all, but I thought that could work to my advantage because if those boys was really gentlemen and they was to look up my dress and see I didn't have no panties on they would immediately look away in order to protect my feminine modesty.

I wait for them boys and as soon as they are settled down at their table, I spread my legs just as wide as I can spread 'em. Orville takes a good look then whispers to his friend. Next thing both of them are plain-as-day staring up my skirt at my pussy. (There, I wrote it anyway). I stayed in that position for like fifteen minutes to make sure, and them boys were like deer in headlights the whole time. They stared and giggled and I think at one point I saw Orville reach down and rub himself. It was then I knowed then that I'd been right all along.

I put my legs together, walked right over and confronted them. I told them I'd seen them looking up my dress at my privates and that they weren't no gentlemen and needed to stop it.They said they thought I was showing myself off on purpose because I had such a pretty pussy. I told them that I wasn't at all doing that, and it wouldn't do them no good to try and sugar-talk me now. If they was truly sorry for what they'd done, they'd have to apologize by taking me to the movies or buying me some appetizers at Applebees.

Well, I left my phone number and I guess them boys ain't even sorry for what they done to me 'cause neither one of them even called me, much less took me to Applebees. You need to take action and bar them from coming to Arby's ever again, so they don't go looking up other girls' dresses like they done mine.

I have noticed that they have quit coming to Arby's at 2:30 in the afternoon, but now there is this new guy that comes in and I think he is doing the same thing. I will do a little bit more investigation and let you know about that in another letter.

Sincerely

Amanda Featherbottom

LETTER NUMBER 2 -- A COMMUNITY GARDEN ISSUE

Director

Parks and Recreation

1234 SW Fifth Street

Everheart, North Dakota

Dear Director of Parks and Recreation:

My name is Adam Longenfirm. I am a widower, and for ten years I have gardened at plot seven of the community garden in the Everheart City Park. The community garden is across the street from my home, and I have grown wonderful foods there over the years. For the last decade, the gardens have been tended by several widow ladies and myself.

This spring a German woman named Agnes Hangensway moved into the neighborhood and reserved the garden plot next to mine. Mrs. Hangensway is a large healthy woman who lives alone, and at first I welcomed her warmly to the neighborhood and the community garden. But all has not gone well, and the garden is not as it once was.

After I made the acquaintance of Ms. Hangensway, I noticed that every time I went out to work on my garden, she would come out of her house and start working on her plot. The problem was that Mrs. Hangensway had taken to wearing clothes that were increasingly inappropriate for gardening. I noticed it first a few weeks ago when she was on her hands and knees pulling weeds. She was not wearing a brassiere and had her shirt unbuttoned almost to the waist. Needless to say this allowed anyone close to her an unobstructed view of her breasts. It was not inadvertent on her part. I know because she would wink at me and say that she never planted any melons because she already had plenty of melon, and I knew she wasn't talking about the kind of melons one grows in a garden.

Then last week she quit wearing the shirt and came to do her gardening in a summer dress that was just as open in the front, but in addition, exposed her derriere every time she bent over. And she bent over a lot. In the dress she would get on her hands and knees facing away from me, and when she knew I was looking she would wiggler her behind. Just as she does not wear a brassiere, she does not wear underpants, so I could not help but see her buttocks and her privates. She would look over her shoulder and tell me how it had been a long time since there was a man around to plow her field, so these days she relied for relief on the cucumbers she grew there in the garden. Once again, I knew she was talking about more than growing vegetables.

About two weeks ago I went out to the garden in the evening to check for rabbits. I was surveying the garden when I was assaulted from behind by Mrs. Hangensway. She reached her hand down my pants, grabbed my penis and said to do what she said or she would yank it off. I was terrified. She pulled down my pants and, dropping to her knees, took my penis in her mouth until it was hard. Then she pulled me down on top of her, and, calling me her Big Zucchini, and pulled me inside her. I had little choice but to satisfy her lustful desires -- twice -- right there in the strawberries. When it was over, I staggered home, dirty and exhausted.

The next day there was a thank you note and a casserole on my front porch. I went to the garden with trepidation, because I could see that Mrs. Hangensway was not there. But the Italian lady, Gina Ittititti, and the Swedish lady, Helga Lickerson, were both there tending to their plants. They came over, both of them wearing much more revealing clothes than they had ever worn in the past, and questioned me at length about my big zucchini. They would not leave me alone until I had visited both of them and paid them the same attention that I had given to Mrs. Hangensway.

Since then I have not been able to garden at all without being besieged by widows. Mrs. Hangensway is always at my plot. I have more casseroles than I could ever eat, and I am constantly exhausted.

I believe it is the duty of the Parks Department to put a stop to this. The garden is an absolute mess. Plants have been crushed, weeds allowed to grow, and articles of clothing litter the rows. A simple man should be allowed to tend his community garden without being harassed at every turn by Mrs. Hangesway and her insatiable widow friends.

I think that a sign should be posted stating that the garden is for growing plants only, and cannot be used for other purposes. If you do that, I will monitor the garden, and report back if it is successful.

Yours truly,

Adam Longenfirm

LETTER NUMBER 3 -- JUNIOR COLLEGE ADMISSIONS

Robert Baleful - Admissions Officer

North Dakota State College

2560 Weston Street

Cando, ND

Re: Application of Jennifer Wakowski

Dear Mr. Baleful:

I am a math teacher and coach of the boys track team at Everheart Community College and I write this letter of recommendation in support of Jennifer Wakowski's application to be admitted to the social services degree program at North Dakota State.

Jennifer has been a math student of mine for two years and served as my coaching assistant with the track team. Jennifer is a natural leader who attracts attention by her very presence. She stands out in any classroom due to both her healthy physique and her positive will-do-anything attitude. When teaching math, I often found it difficult to take my eyes off her. Even after counseling about proper school attire, her natural charisma still mesmerized her male teachers, including me.

Although Jennifer received good grades in most of her classes, academic achievement does not come easily to her. She got A's in math, not through natural math ability, but by spending many evenings in my office receiving close-up hands-on tutoring. In those private sessions, I often worried that I was giving her more than she could swallow, but that was never the case. She is always wide open to learning and loves having new material thrust into her innocent young mind. Educating Jennifer has been one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life.

Community college is not all about study and grades. Jennifer was as active in the social life of the school as she was in academics. At every football game, you could find her underneath the bleachers contributing to school spirit in her own special way. At homecoming, she may not have been elected queen, but she held a court of her own in the back seat of a Lexus in the parking lot and those who she allowed a visit will remember Jennifer far longer than whoever became homecoming queen.

As an assistant coach for the track team, Jennifer was invaluable to me. I could give her wet-behind-the-ears freshmen runners who were terrified to even be in community college and after a confidence-building trip to the woods behind the school with Jennifer, they came back competitors. I believe that for many of the boys, she was the sole reason they came out for the team.

In conclusion, I think that Jennifer will be a welcome addition at North Dakota State. My suggestion is that you introduce Jennifer to your staff as soon as she arrives. She needs direction and discipline. Pin her down and drive home the importance of doing everything you ask of her. The harder the challenge, the better she likes it. If you do as I suggest, Jennifer will renew your love for education and remind you of the reasons you became a teacher.

Sincerely,

Edgar Plowherd PHD

LETTER NUMBER 4 -- A MARRIAGE IN TROUBLE

Adam Winston

789 Tenth Street

Everheart, North Dakota

Dear Adam:

I am writing to you because you will not return my phone calls. I want to give our marriage one more chance.

Since you left me, I have been seeing a therapist and I now understand that the breakup of our marriage was mostly my fault. I did not love and support you as a wife should, but just used your fine body to satisfy my sexual needs. I know today that you are so much more than a reliable boner.

I cheated on you and that was wrong, but in the deepest recesses of my heart, it has always been you I love. When I had those other men's dicks in me, I pretended it was you. When I sucked their cocks and licked their balls, all I could taste was you. They meant nothing to me.

I know your parents warned you not to marry me because I was a dancer at the Tits-N-Tacos, and they said the only reason I wanted you was because you'd never had an STD and you had a steady job. But none of that was true. I loved you from the first time you put a dollar on the stage, and I still do. Those delivery men, the plumber, and those guys from the fraternity meant nothing to me.

I can image how you must have felt when you saw on the internet video of me having sex with three of your co-workers in our living room while a recording of our wedding day played on the television. I was mad at you because you forgot to take out the trash before you went to work, and I acted out in ways I truly regret. I am ashamed of everything about that day. I tried to get the video taken down, but I guess I signed something that doesn't allow me to do that. I only hope you will forgive me and let me make it up to you.

I heard at the bar that you are now with Gina Schwartz. She will not make you happy, Adam. Gina, with those saggy tits of hers, has seen more cocks than the urinals at Yankee Stadium, and no matter what she says, she will not be true to you. There isn't a single guy in all of Everheart that hasn't fucked Gina. It is common knowledge at the bar that her cunt is so flabby that, well -- you know some pussies fit like a glove, hers fits like a sleeping bag. It just breaks my heart to see you on the street walking hand in hand with that bitch. Please come home.

John, forgive me and let us try again. If you come back, I promise that I won't do other guys -- not even hand jobs -- unless you order me to do it, which I would in that case because I would do anything you ask to get you back.

If you take me back, you can punish me any way you want. You can fuck me in the mouth every day. You could spank me and tie me up. I deserve it. You could handcuff me naked to the rafters in our garage, pinch my nipples, and ram that big cock of yours up my ass (with cameras running, if you are cool with that). I deserve it and you deserve the right to do it to me, so that I am never tempted to cheat on you again.

Please call me. With the help of my therapist, I now know what love really means. And I love only you.

Sincerely yours,

Prudence

LETTER NUMBER 5 -- A PRODUCT COMPLAINT

Acme Silicone Inserts

0321 Exner Street

Oberon, Nebraska

Ladies and Gentlemen:

My name is Lydia Joozy. I am writing about your line of silicone companions for the discerning woman. I have been a satisfied customer of yours for many years, but find myself at a crossroads and hope you can help.

When I left home to go to community college, my mother gave me my first silicone friend. It was the Rhett Butler model, produced by your company. My mother hoped that it would keep me away from the college boys. Well, that didn't work, but Rhett and I had many wonderful nights in my dorm room, and I will always remember Rhett fondly. When I graduated, I gave Rhett to my roommate, Betty Jo Niesaneers, and she is now as loyal a customer of Acme Silicon as am I.

When I got my community college degree in animal husbandry, I ordered your Mandingo model. My first time with Mandingo really opened my eyes to what the world outside of school has to offer. Mandingo got me through finding my first live-all-alone apartment and my first real job. Those were scary times and I don't think I could have done it without Mandingo there to comfort me at the end of a stressful day.

Then I got my first steady boyfriend. Amos, my boyfriend, was wonderful, but not that big and not nearly as reliable as silicone. In addition, I had become a little bored with Mandingo. He was good, but no longer challenged me the way a modern midwestern woman likes to be challenged.

So I ordered the Paul Bunyan. Wow. Paul fulfilled me in ways I'd never known were possible. After those dates in which Amos, bless his heart, was a little too quick for my tastes and left me, you know, unsatisfied, Paul would step up to the plate and take care of business. I sent some selfies of me, Paul, and my happiest o-face, to my old roommate Betty Jo, who I am pretty sure ordered a Paul Bunyan for herself.

Well, Amos and I broke up and I thought that If I could handle the breakup with Amos, I could handle anything this crazy world could dish out. So I went and ordered your King Kong model.

Okay people, are you fuckin' kidding me? That thing is huge.

I am committed to experiencing life deeply and expanding my horizons, but some horizons were only meant to expand so far. There may be many midwestern women who love the King Kong, but unfortunately I am not one of them. At first, I thought it was no big deal. I would just return to the familiar comforts of Paul Bunyan. Alas, Paul and I couldn't rekindle the flame. Kong had ruined me for Paul, yet I could not embrace the King either.

Which leads me to the purpose of this letter. Do you have at Acme a size that is right between the Paul Bunyan and the King Kong, or if you do not, would you consider manufacturing one. Perhaps you could call it Bigfoot, or the Hulk and it would be built for women unable to appreciate the King, but needing just a little more than Paul.

If you have such a thing, please let me know by return mail. And if you were to make one I would not only be thankful, but would recommend it to Betty Jo and all my other midwestern lady friends.

Awaiting Your Prompt Reply

Lydia Joozy

LETTER NUMBER 6 -- CEASE AND DESIST LETTER

Wie, Cheetum and Howe

Attorneys at Law

Mr. Marvin Hardcastle

5643 Second Street

Everheartn North Dakota

Re: Demand to Cease and Desist

Dear Mr. Hardcastle:

I am the attorney for Mrs. Emily Quiverful. As you know she lives next door to you. I have been retained by Mrs. Quiverul to demand that you immediately cease and desist having sexual relations with her.

When Mr. Quiverful died last year, leaving his wife a young widow, you were very helpful to Mrs. Quiverful in her time of mourning. She showed her appreciation by making herself available to you for what is often in common vernacular referred to as booty calls. However, earlier this year Mrs. Quiverful became hopeful of establishing a permanent romantic relationship with a certain pastor here in the community. This makes continuing to accept said booty calls from you inadvisable. Thus, she politely asked you to stop.

Despite her request, you have not stopped. Mrs. Quiverful reports that in the last thirty days you have engaged in the following activities:

On March 1, while Ms. Quiverful was tending to her flowers, you came into her yard, pulled down her gardening pants, and had sex with her from behind.

On March 5, you came into Mrs. Quiverful's kitchen while she was canning peaches, pulled up her dress, and had intercourse with her on her kitchen table.

On March 7, Mrs. Quiverful woke up from a nap to find you sitting on her chest and rubbing your penis between her breasts, after which you ejaculated onto her face

.

On March 12, you came into her home while she was talking to the above-mentioned pastor on the phone, lifted her dress, and performed cunnilingus on her while she tried to continue the conversation.

On March 17 you entered her house and caused her to make you snacks and then perform fellatio while you watched a soccer game on her television..

On March 22 you visited her on her house cleaning day, directed her to strip, and masturbated as she did her household chores wearing only a butt plug.

On March 30, you lay on the floor in her living room and directed her to squat naked on your erect penis and thereafter bounce up and down in what is sometimes called the reverse cowboy.

Mrs. Quiverful hereby demands that you immediately cease and desist from all sexual activity that involves her. She does not wish to cause you trouble or distress, but if you continue to use her for purposes of sexual gratification, she will report you to the authorities and/or file a civil action against you for intentional interference with attempts to develop a permanent relationship with a pastor.