The EXXXodus, A Smutty Seder

PROLOGUE

A quartet of young adults gather to hear the tale of Moses, a former slavedriver turned shepherd and studly husband, who leads his people to freedom with the aid of divine Big Dick Energy.

We begin at the seder table, where four young twentysomethings (THE FOUR CHILDREN) have gathered to hear the story of the EXXXodus. They are:

RACHEL, The Good Child: 5'3, curly dark hair, modest attire, mary janes. Claims she only likes it missionary with the lights dimmed. Is it true? Who knows.

D, The Wicked Awesome Child: 6', genderqueer, blue mohawk, suit pants and suspenders, freshly shined doc martens. Pansexual. They might be wearing a buttplug.

BECKY, The Simple Child: 5'6, valley girl, heeb on her dad's side, trying to get back into Judaism or something. Will start in with the ho stories after her second glass of wine.

JAKE, The Child Who Does Not Know How to Ask: 5'8, straight brown mop. Aspie space cadet. Doesn't usually attend due to sensory processing issues, but he's been getting really into Headspace and says it's helping.

In walks REBBE CHAIM in his black canvas utilikilt, embroidered in white with the seal of Hebrew Union College. His affect is "beleaguered butch". He's waving a stack of haggadah packets, freshly hole-punched and string-bound.

CHAIM: Alright kids, freshly printed! Feedback last year was the material was a bit stale, so I dug deep this time and came up with something fresh.

JAKE: (incredulous) Fresh? How do you make a haggadah fresh?

CHAIM: Took some creative liberties with the story. I'm calling this, "The EXXXodus."

D: (smugly holds hands to RACHEL's head) Oh shit, gonna have to cover this one's ears!

RACHEL: Grow up. I've read my share of smut, I will be fine.

BECKY: I've read Fifty Shades of Grey.

JAKE: And I'm Fifty Shades of hungry. Can we begin while I've still got my wits?

CHAIM: Certainly. Everyone, you know the drill, make yourselves nice and comfortable, and open your packet to the first page.

THE EXXXODUS, A NSFW RETELLING AND HAGGADAH BY CHAIM SILVERMAN

PART I: AWAKENING

Long ago, there was a city by the Nile called Pi-Ramesses, and it was full of nasty fuckers. None nastier than their ruler, Ramses the Ramrod, or so folks said. Unfortunately, he was also a genocidal maniac. So, as you recall, the baby Moshe was given up by his parents and raised in the royal family. But eventually, he began to sense something was not right, and as a young man he was forced to flee after busting a couple of slavedrivers' heads.

Years later, we find our intrepid hero happily married and fulfilling his husbandly obligation...

"Tell me what you want, Zipporah."

"You know what I want. I want you to get down there and bring your appetite."

"I just love hearing you say it." And so he did as she asked. He pushed her legs up and apart, and he kissed and sucked at her with great enthusiasm, until his love was on the edge of ecstasy. Then he picked himself up, grabbed his rod of toe-curling pleasure, and plunged it into her eager cunt.

"Damn, you're good!" she cried. "Now kiss me while you fuck me."

"Nothing better," Moshe said, and he leaned in close, his lips still damp with her juices. It was going to be a long night.

He went out into the field the next day with a big bounce in his step. Jethro's flock now followed him with little effort, and truth be told, it was a good thing because he was in a pleasant state of distraction. Every so often, he'd hold a hand up to his face and catch the smell of Zipporah on his upper lip.

They arrived at the usual spot, and just as Jethro had warned, it was getting pretty bare, so he guided the flock out of the valley and into a new area he'd been gradually exploring. When he came over the ridge he was dumbstruck. Where just last week there had been nothing, there now stood a rocky mountain. He recognized it as the one the locals called Whore-Reb. Rumor was, it was guarded by a wild woman, or a beast, or a sentient ball of flame. No one was sure.

Moshe was cautious, but he also felt drawn to the mountain, and the promise of lush vegetation on the windward side. He made his way toward the nearest tall outcrop to get a look around. As he approached, Moshe saw the most bizarre thing he'd witnessed in his life. From a distance it looked like a burning bush next to a spring. As he approached, it seemed it was actually a naked woman, kneeling on the rocks by the pool, flagellating herself with a branch. Her hair, all of it, was so red it appeared to be on fire.

"What are you doing? Who are you?"

"Oh, this? I whip myself sometimes when I get bored, which is often on this world. No offense. But now that you're here, I am very excited! I am Gabby, Angel of the Lord."

The angel turned to face him fully, and Moshe remembered himself and looked away. "And who is your lord, angel?" he asked.

"I'm not a woman, you can look at me. I am a holy servant of He who is called The Lord, or on especially formal occasions He is called 'I-Am.'"

"And this Lord I-Am sent you to me, is that it?"

"Just 'The Lord' is fine. And yes, He has chosen you, Moshe. You've nearly forgotten yourself, but He has not. You are one of the sons of Israel, the Hebrews, His chosen people. And it is you who will rescue them from slavery."

"I can't believe what I am hearing. Even if I did, how am I supposed to help? I'm just one man."

"You are the man with the most powerful staff in all of Egypt. Come forward and reveal yourself!"

The words rang in his ears, and with hardly a thought he cast aside his robe. His dick was glorious, even at half mast -- a hand and a half long, pleasingly curved, and of course, circumcised.

"Yes. Yes, this is the one. You have the mark of your people, and you have the mightiest of big dick energy. He has made you ready to His purpose."

The angel Gabby put their hands upon Moshe's staff and stroked it, slowly, reverentially. "With this rod and my magic, we can overwhelm Pharoah, we can break him and all his court. We can part the very sea."

"I still don't understand."

"Watch, and you will."

So Gabby opened their mouth - practically unhinged it - and began to swallow every inch of him. For a human of such stature it should have been virtually impossible, but things moved inhumanly to make space. Then they placed Moshe's hands on the back of their head, and those perfect angelic hands on his ass, and after a few minutes of frenetic face fucking, wrung him dry, while heaven and earth seemed to quake with the power.

Moshe collapsed in a trembling heap in the dry soil. The angel stood over him, not even breathing hard, and offered a hand. He stood.

"Do you feel it? Do you feel The Lord's power?"

"I think I do."

"See that rock? Destroy it with your mind."

"How in hell would I even--" and as he reached out a finger to point to the rock, it exploded in a flurry of sparks and debris.

"Good. You are ready. I will teach you more along the way."

END PART I

CHAIM: Alright, and that's part one. Everyone take a drink of whatever you've got in your cup.

D: (slams hands on table) This is awesome!

RACHEL: I don't know, it's fun and all. But I worry we're not driving home the seriousness of the Hebrews' plight.

JAKE: It's not bad. (stomach grumbles)

BECKY: I'm with Jake's belly. When do we get to the part where we eat something?

CHAIM: Fear not, this next section has the snacks you seek, and also the seriousness Rachel wants. First, I need to hide the afikomen. Rachel and D, can you please distribute the matzo in quarters, and show everyone how the Hillel sandwich is made? Thanks. (leaves)

D (breaks matzos and passes them around): I'm just gonna say it, does Hillel sandwich sound dirty to anyone else?

RACHEL: Hillel the Elder was one of our greatest Rabbinic Sages. Have some respect.

D: Rache, the man was a Rabbi, not a Catholic saint. Anyway, wasn't Hillel the one who said it's cool to have anal sex with your wife? Add one more and you've got your sandwich.

RACHEL: (shakes head, begins spreading charoset) Get your rebbes straight, D, you're thinking of the Rambam. (sees Becky looking confused) That's Rabbi Maimonides, Becky. And what he said...

JAKE: Mishneh Torah, 21:9. 'He may have sex with her whenever he so desires, and kiss any part of her body he wishes, and he may have sex with her naturally or unnaturally.' Also, the context makes it clear that these are things he can and should do with his wife, IF it brings her pleasure, not things she has to agree to for his sake.

RACHEL: Jacob, mad respect! (She gestures for the maror. D hands it over)

JAKE: I only appear to sleep through lectures.

CHAIM: (reentering room) Okay, kids! Let's dig in on those sandwiches, and part two of our story.

PART II: TO THE COURT OF THE SUN

Moshe and his flock returned to Midian that evening, and the angel went with him. When they reached the town, Moshe sought out Zipporah and her father Jethro. "Grave and important news," he said. "Today I encountered the mountain Whore-Reb and the Angel of the Lord."

"That woman?" Jethro spat. "She's not an angel, she's a witch."

"Oh, really?" said a peeved disembodied voice.

"If you're showing yourself," said Moshe, "please come dressed for dinner this time."

Gabby appeared, this time in a diaphanous white robe and plain linen gown. Hovering in their palm was a small flame. "Father Jethro, The G-d of the Hebrews brings you his respects. You are a good man, and a spiritual man. I know some of your village have seen me and been vexed. I bring you a vision that I hope will clarify things.

The ball of flame rapidly expanded into a golden glow that encircled the room.

"Moshe thought himself an Egyptian, because he was raised as one. In reality, these are his people." Within the glow, they saw a group of men working on a construction project, overseen by scowling men with whips. "Pharaoh Ramses has tried his best to break them. For years, many of their newborn sons were killed, in an effort to cull the population. One of the lucky ones to escape that fate, was Moshe. It was foretold he would come to the mountain, and so I waited there patiently until the time was right."

The image zoomed out from the work site, showing the royal palace and the surrounding city.

"This is where you must go. The capital. Guards will recognize Moshe's tattoos and his old jacket, and give you audience. There, you will work wonders to prove you are servants of the almighty Lord of the Hebrews, and move him to release the people from bondage."

The image moved out further, away from the Pharaoh's city. It crossed the narrow strip of sea into Sinai and Canaan.

"The Hebrews are to be given a new land, a happy land beyond the reach of the Egyptians. You and your people shall follow them and join with them. Their Lord is generous."

"No offense, angel," said Jethro. "But how do I know your Lord is what you say?"

"Watch the sky over Egypt for signs this week. And when the time comes, seek out your son-in-law. You will find the evidence you need."

That night, Zipporah came to bed and looked pointedly at her husband.

"That angel woman came out of nowhere," she said. "How does she do it?"

"The angel will always be nearby until this adventure is done. It's not really a woman, though."

"Angel woman, show yourself!"

The angel appeared, this time a bit less modestly attired. "I am at your service, Zipporah of Midian. You can call me angel, or Gabby, or 'them'."

"I have some questions for you. What are your intentions toward my husband?"

"I'm an angel. I have no designs but those of The Lord, who created this world and who intends Moshe will rescue his people. For now, I am here to watch over your family."

"How does that work? What do you do when you're not... there?"

"Think of it as a light sleep," the angel said. "I'll always come when you call me, and I can sense danger, but otherwise I'm not seeing or hearing much of what's going on."

"And if I were to have sex with him right now, would you be not seeing and not hearing that?"

"Angels are not sexual creatures, my lady. We have neither the desire nor the body parts to give it meaning. Professionally, it would be very interesting to see a man as blessed as Moshe do his husbandly mitzvah, but it matters not. I am obliged to respect your privacy."

"Oh, but I don't mind. Moshe, do you mind if the angel stays and watches?"

"Well, no. But really, my love?"

"Moshe, even I know not to bullshit an angel." She dropped to her knees. "I mean it. I want this beautiful creature to see you give me what's owed, to see my body in ecstasy. If it's true they have no desires of their own, what does it matter?"

They fucked harder and longer that night than they had since the wedding night. First, she sucked cock until tears ran down her cheeks and come dribbled from her lips; then she climbed up, and took her man for a face ride, stroking him back to life with both hands. She fucked him in every position she liked, and one that was for his pleasure, and one that was just for laughs. It was all the thrill of being caught with none of the drawbacks, and true to their word, Gabby seemed not to mind, seemed only intrigued. Until, when Zipporah was nearing her third or fourth orgasm...

"Gabby, do you eat cunt as well as you suck dick? I want you under me at the finish."

"The power involved might break some furniture, my lady."

"Do. It."

The angel didn't move, but was suddenly there beneath her, legs hanging off the bed, noshing away. Their tongue was soft, if a bit rough in texture, and moved like it had a mind of its own. The added excitement was enough to bring first Zipporah, then Moshe to a crazed climax; and though it had endured many nights of passion without complaint, quite suddenly the bed broke a rib, and an oil lamp leapt from the table in the corner. Gabby thrust out a hand and snapped their fingers, and the lamp magically extinguished itself before shattering on the floor. The two lovers seemed not to care. They ground out their orgasms, with Moshe holding Zipporah firmly by the hips from behind, and Zipporah levering herself against the headboard to feel him in all the right places, and give the angel a mouthful of cunt.

When they came to their senses and realized what they had done, they broke out in laughter. Gabby vanished, and rematerialized in a corner, studying a scroll. Moshe's side of the bed was rather uncomfortable that night. But he had no complaints.

The new sun temple in Pi-Ramesses was an impressive sight, with its thrusting obelisk, massive carven stone base, a doorway the height and breadth of three men, and seated statues of kings that would be far too tall to enter that doorway themselves. In front of it was an entourage of a few dozen men, all nobility and craftsmen, and a couple of foremen conspicuous with their bullwhips. The slaves were nowhere to be seen, and though he would not have admitted it, Moshe sighed, as he did not feel ready to face them. One task at a time.

When they were close enough to be noticed, Gabby ducked behind their human companions and vanished. "Now is the time," they whispered in Moshe's ear. "Speak loud and clear, and the words will come rightly."

"Pharaoh Ramses! I have returned to call you to account."

Several palace guards took a half step forward and drew their weapons, golden blades shining in the midday sun, but Ramses waved them off. "At ease, men. Moses? I did not expect to see you again in this city."

"I took a wife in Midian, tried to put my past behind me. But I've learned the truth, and now I know why I never felt right here. My people, my true people, were slaves in this city, right under my nose!"

"You are not like them, Moses."

"My name is Moshe now. And you're wrong, I have forsaken your gods in the name of The Lord, G-d of the Hebrews. He is with me, here and now, to demand their release."

The guards began to advance again, and the Pharaoh did not stop them. Moshe could feel, more than see, Gabby gesture for him to do something. He thrust a hand out. A lightning bolt came out of the clear blue sky, and with a dulled clap, split the ground between him and the guards.

"Not so fast. I'll prove to you the power of The Lord, before all these witnesses."

He opened the folds of his uniform, and pulled from his trousers a wrathful erection. The crowd gasped at the sight of the massive, throbbing rod, and then gasped again as it transformed into a monstrous serpent and leapt free, slithering toward them with righteous anger.

Only Pharaoh, and the two veiled men at his left hand, seemed unfazed. "Oh, you want to do some sex magic? Jannes! Jambres! Come forth, and put your hands in your pants!"

Sure enough, the men revealed themselves to be bearded, steely eyed practitioners of magic. They whipped out their hairy uncut cocks, and in a lesser work of magic, summoned a pair of snakes like blackened oversized cobras.

"Fight!" the Pharaoh cried.

The two lesser snakes rapidly approached and flanked Moshe's, but their bites were next to useless on its thick scales. With his hand still in his pants, Moshe twitched this way and that, and in a flurry of movement, his mighty snake parried and counterattacked, tearing the head off one cobra and collapsing the other's throat with powerful bites. It dropped dead, and Moshe could have sworn he'd just came, so intense was the feeling of the kill.

"I'll call that beginner's luck," said Ramses.

"This isn't over, Ramses. Tonight, not one man of your kingdom will be able to get hard for his wife. Tomorrow the Nile will turn into a red horror, and each day after, The Lord will visit greater torments upon you and your people, until you tell me you have seen enough proof. In the meantime, I am going to see my people. Anyone who tries to stop me will be struck dead."

"Nice to see you too, cousin."

END PART II

CHAIM: Okay, and we've reached my personal favorite part of the seder: the four questions! You all remember this, I trust. Who's youngest? Jake?

D: Actually, I think I'm the youngest. Anyone else here 21? Okay, so let me find my place... Why is it that on other nights, we can eat bread and drink beer, but on this night only wine and matzo?

BECKY: Why is it that on other nights, we eat any kind of greens, but on this night we must eat bitter herbs?

JAKE: ...

RACHEL: Jake? The dipping?

JAKE: Right, I got this... Why is it that on other nights, we don't play with our food, but on this night we dip the wine and make sandwiches with the condiments?

D: Right on.

RACHEL: Why is it that on other nights, we sit upright, but on this night... (D leans on Rachel) we lean like undisciplined punks.

D: Ooh, somebody teach me some discipline!

CHAIM: Speaking of which. Our next reading will introduce God's judgment of egypt in the form of the TEN PLAGUES. Everybody pour your second glass of wine or grape juice and get ready. I just need a moment to fetch my plague props.

(Collective groans from CHILDREN)

Talk amongst yaselves while I'm gone. I'll give you a topic: what's your favorite part of the Passover seder? Discuss!

PART III: BLOOD AND PLAGUE

"Send for Jannes." The Pharaoh Ramses rubbed his fingers wearily against his closed eyes. A servant ducked out of the sitting room wordlessly, just as the Queen Consort entered from the adjacent bedroom.