The EXXXodus, A Smutty Seder

"Are you still working, my love?"

"Ah, Nefertari. The moon and stars to my sun. Yes and no. Tonight, I am afraid we must put our sacred pleasures to use, in a rite to defend the kingdom from supernatural forces."

Nefertari scowled. "You're inviting that lech into our bed again? You know he isn't exactly my favorite playmate."

"I promise you, it's necessary. And it won't be you that he fucks."

"Oh, so you'll be 'Lucky Pharaoh' again? That I can get behind. Or rather in front of."

The angel did not open their eyes, did not budge from their place by the fire, but smiled knowingly as the siblings approached. "Ah, you are here. Aaron, Miriam, come join us. I have need of believers to help me gather strength from The Lord for the miracles we will be performing this week. Your family is especially attuned to Him."

Aaron sat first. "Of course, holy one, we are delighted."

"Twice delighted," added Miriam. "To serve our people--"

"And to serve The Lord."

Gabby nodded slowly. "Excellent," the angel said, "simply repeat the following words with me: Shema, Yisrael, Adonai Eloheinu Echad." [Hear, o Israel, The Lord our God is One]

"Are you about ready, love?"

Ramses released Nefertari's breasts with a satisfied smile, and watched them settle and bounce. They were stiffened with excitement, and peppered with teeth marks.

"Fuck me," she said, a wide grin on her face. She removed her hand from her smallclothes and turned over onto her knees, pulling everything up casually to expose herself to the candlelight and to her king.

"I'm waiting," she said after a long pause, shimmying her big butt for emphasis.

"There's... a problem, my love," said Ramses.

The voices around the campfire grew in strength and confidence. In their meditative state, the siblings had not noticed they were drawing a following.

"Shema, Yisrael, Adonai Eloheinu Echad..."

First Jethro and Zipporah, and soon half a dozen more Hebrews, joined in the chanting.

"Shema, Yisrael, Adonai Eloheinu Echad!"

Nefertari sighed. "Husband, I told you, I don't want him to fuck me."

"My blessed one, I understand, but you are needed, you're part of the spell! And this curse of our enemies, it's affecting me. I will use my fingers, my mouth, in any way you wish."

"That does sweeten the deal. But how is it you're affected, and Jannes is not?"

Jannes looked uncomfortable. "The curse is upon those of Egyptian blood, your grace. Thoth has revealed to me that I was born a Moabite. But Sire, we're wasting time. I'll just have to penetrate you first, and hope that's enough to restore you, so you can take your queen."

"Sounds implausi--OH MY RA, YOU ARE BIG. Slowly Jannes... slowly now..."

Nefertari pushed back towards the head of the bed, and watched her king's struggle with big hard magical dick with renewed interest. His eyes were wide, his breathing deep and to a purpose, his nails gripping the sheets. A glittering bead of pre-ejaculate gathered and dripped upon his knee.

She began to masturbate furiously. "My God-King," she said, "I love when you make that face. Jannes, could I give him my ass for the ritual? Then I could be making that same face for him. I'm very tight, you know what that's like."

Jannes chuckled. "Whatever brings you both pleasure, your grace."

This revelation, along with the power released in submitting to Jannes's cock, proved to be enough. Ramses felt himself rising to the occasion once more. "Servant!" he cried. "Hand me the anointing oil. I'm feeling better already."

"Silence!" Gabby threw both arms up. The fire retreated. Everyone stopped and looked about, dazed as though they themselves had been under a spell.

"The Lord hears your prayer. Tomorrow, he will answer. He will pass judgement on the Pharaoh, the people of Egypt, and their g-ds. Be ready to leave this place in one week's time. Thank you all, and blessed be."

CHAIM: Finally, time for some interactive fun. There's ten plagues, so each of us is going to read two, and after each plague we dip wine on the plate. Rache, you start.

RACHEL: The Plague of Blood. Moshe struck the Nile river and its waters turned to blood. The Pharaoh's sorcerers showed that they could imitate this feat in bowls of water, yet they were powerless to reverse the plague upon the river.

D: The Plague of Frogs. Sounds comical but it was no joke. The frogs got everywhere, including the kitchens and bedrooms of the Egyptians, who were grossed the fuck out.

BECKY: Lice. From the dust there arose a plague of lice. They made everyone itchy, which is just a terrible feeling.

JAKE: Biting flies. They drove humans and livestock mad.

CHAIM: Livestock contagion. A virus spread among all the land animals kept by the Egyptians, killing many.

RACHEL: Boils. Moshe waited for Pharaoh's party at the palace gate, and threw soot in the air before them. A painful skin disease spread through the palace and to the commoners.

D: Haha, in your face Pharaoh. Oh, right. Ahem. Hail. Moshe raised his hands to the sky and called forth a terrible thunderstorm with pomegranate sized hail. It smashed anyone caught in the open, and it totally fucked up the crops.

BECKY: Locusts. Just when they were getting over the frogs and the flies and the hail, a huge swarm of locusts invaded Egypt, ruining what was left of the crops and covering the ground.

JAKE: Darkness. Moshe swung his walking stick in a wide arc, and a thick blanket of darkness came over the city and fields for three days. Pharaoh's sorcerers tried everything, and I do mean everything [D snorts, Jake glares], but they couldn't break the curse. They looked out and saw Moshe and his family walking through the city with a small lamp, cutting through the darkness like it was nothing. So metal.

CHAIM: Which brings us to the tenth, and most metal, plague: The slaying of the first born.

"This brings me no joy," the angel said. "Have they drawn the sign as I instructed, on every household in every encampment?"

It was well after dark. A small somber party stood hard by the wall that separated this neighborhood from an adjacent area of merchants and officials. Moshe, Aaron, Zipporah and Jethro stood on either side of Gabby, who was killing time by adjusting their sleeves.

"Yes," said Miriam, who was coming back up the road. "Every door. I was afraid we were going to run out of lambs to slaughter."

"Alright. You and me, Moshe -- our right hands forward, our eyes closed... Malak ha-Mashhit."

A dense fog sprung up near the wall, and a shapeless mass of blackness seemed to detach itself from the deepest area of shadow. As it moved closer, it took on shape - an unnaturally tall and lanky shape of a robed figure, like an angel, but painted in long stokes of blackness rather than sculpted from white light. The mortals trembled as the figure glided forward, until it stood inches from Gabby's face. They regarded each other inhumanly. Then Gabby said,

"His will be done."

The black angel said, in a voice like shattered eggshells, "Always a pleasure, Gavriel." It turned and raced out of the neighborhood, toward whatever was beyond that wall. A few minutes later, the wailing began. And before sunrise, a parchment arrived bearing the royal decree: all Hebrew slaves were freed and were to leave the kingdom immediately.

END PART III

D: You were right, Reb. That was metal as fuuuck.

CHAIM: Thanks. I'll admit, this is the one section that had me worried. It's hard to stray from the text, and yeah the text is pretty metal to begin with, but it's so familiar to us that I worry it lacks poignancy. I had another version that replaced the tenth plague with an elaborate BDSM scene, but it never read quite right.

D: Can uh, can you send me that?

RACHEL: And me. Literary curiosity.

CHAIM: Sure, whatever. The point is, this is the story of exodus, and there's no watering it down. To free us from our genocidal bondage, G-d committed genocide against the Egyptians. If you take the story literally, that's it for Ramses' city, and quite possibly the New Kingdom. And that is why we spill the wine on our plate, to honor the dead. This was something our people never got the chance to do when they were fleeing for their own lives.

Chaim: So now, we pour the third cup, or for those of us not drinking, vape em if you got em. And of course, our cups for Elijah and Miriam.

PART IV: THE LEAV(EN)ING

"This bread is fucked," said Aaron. He was frowning over a basket in front of the big stone oven that served the whole neighborhood.

"What is it?" said Moshe. He'd been bouncing from place to place all night, overseeing preparations as he was totally unable to sleep.

"Something went wrong with the leavening. We think it might have been a side effect of the plagues. Anyway, these loaves turned out all flat and crispy." By way of a demonstration, he broke off a piece and handed it to Moshe, who thoughtfully chewed.

"It's not bad for what it is. Anyway, there's no time for another batch."

Aaron nodded. "I'll tell them to pack it up."

"We've half a dozen other things to do yet."

It was slow going leaving the city behind. The Nile delta was hot, humid and muddy, and full of shallow crossings, and most of the Hebrews' pack animals weren't really pack animals at all. By the end of the first day, though, the delta gave way to arid grassland, which foretold still harsher conditions ahead. Moshe thought to himself that he would soon miss the muck.

His musing was interrupted by a loud whistle from further back, and a commotion of shouting from the men. He turned and ran, expecting to see soldiers in chariots. What confronted his eyes was less troubling and far stranger.

A pair of basenji hounds, their paws matted with mud, was rapidly approaching. They stopped perhaps fifty paces off, sat back in the dry soil and howled in unison. And in an instant, they were gone, replaced by a pair of kneeling men in scant but officious garb...

"You! Stand back!" he shouted, and he marched toward them with one hand instinctively thumbing his crotch, ready for anything. "I know you. You are Jannes and Jambres, the personal sorcerers of the Sun King. What treachery do you bring?"

The two remained seated, and raised their open hands in submission.

"We come in peace," said the shorter one, whom Moshe recognized as Jannes. Supposedly he was more favored with Ramses, and doubled as something of an advisor. "We have done treachery to the Pharaoh just by being here."

"We are Hebrews, like you," added Jambres. "Kept from knowledge and from the rite of circumcision by our adoptive family. We learned this truth less than a year ago, in a visitation from Thoth the Wise. Now we come with a warning: the Pharaoh intends to chase you."

Moshe shook his head, incredulous. Gabby appeared suddenly and put a hand on his shoulder. "I'll save you some time. These men can be trusted--I know their blood and I know their hearts. It was I who visited them."

The men's eyes widened.

Moshe laughed. "Rise and approach, my brothers. That is the angel of The Lord who was with me at the sun temple. If they trust you, so do I."

RACHEL: (scratching her head) I don't remember this part at all.

CHAIM: It's apocryphal, like many of the interesting parts of the Torah. Other sources attest to the brothers. It's the same with Lilith - she never appears in Genesis, but the sages went on and on about her. The downside is, sources can't seem to agree on anything about these two. They were Hebrews, they were Canaanite prophets, they were Egyptian necromancers who tried to break into heaven. It's all over the place.

They made camp late that night by a small stream. Jannes explained that it would take at least a day more to reach the Sea of Reeds, that their trail would unfortunately be hard to miss, and that their pursuers would be on foot, as all the animals were dying.

"I give it even chances they will find us before we can cross," said Jambres.

"If that happens," said Jannes, "we will block their path. But I can't say for how long."

"Tomorrow," said a disembodied Gabby, "when we make camp, we must hold another prayer rite. The presence of The Lord will be much stronger now, in the wilderness, with our numbers in the thousands. Just the same, it'll be to our benefit if we can find a betrothed couple who are willing to be consummated."

So the call went out, and two answered: Matisyahu of the Levites and Chana of the tribe of Benyamin. From the pilfered treasures of their masters they gathered the essentials for a small ceremony. One poor night's rest and one very long day later, the nuptial was held.

Well after sundown, they made camp on a high ridge, which Jambres had scouted in hawk form and which, come the morning, would have a clear view of the sea crossing. The party was small. On Matisyahu's side stood his Levite cousins Natanel and Yonatan; and on Chana's side were her cousin Rivka, and her best friend Avigail of the tribe of Dan. The bride was beautiful, her dark hair falling past her shoulders in ringlets; the groom was tall and handsome, serious-faced. Aaron led them and their parents in prayer.

"Barukh atah Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha-olam shehakol bara lichvodo." [Blessed are You, The Lord our G-d, king of the universe, who created everything for His Glory.]

"Sameiach tesamach reiim ha-ahuvim k'sameichacha y'tzircha b'gan eden mikedem. Baruch ata Adonai, m'sameiach chatan v'chalah." [Loving companions will surely gladden, as you gladdened your creations in the Garden of Eden in the east. Blessed are You, The Lord our G-d, Gladdener of groom and bride.]

With no time to waste, Aaron waved them away and blew the shofar, summoning the rest of the camp for the night's vigil. The party, meanwhile, set about carrying Chana and Matisyahu to their tent.

Half an hour or so later, with the chant still going strong, Moshe stepped away from the circle and whispered to no one in particular, "Pardon the interruption, but how long are we meant to keep this up?"

Gabby's voice floated back: "There's some trouble. I am handling it. You should rejoin your family in the circle, and help Aaron keep this thing going for as long as it takes. You will know when it is done."

"Holy one, could you perhaps call out before entering?" said Matisyahu, who was clinging to his bedcovers.

"My children," said Gabby, "no need for modesty. What seems to be the trouble?"

"I am... ready, but she can't seem to get there."

"There's no wetness," Chana explained.

"You said, and my father has said, the bride must be taken when she's willing in mind and body."

"You took your time, I trust? Touched her lovingly and according to her wishes?"

"He's done all that I asked," said Chana, "all we could think of. It felt nice, but somehow not the same as when I've thought of... anyway, he's big, and I can't seem to relax. He even brought in his groomsmen and had them offer themselves to me, as in the old custom. They are good men, and handsome, like him. I'd let the three of them oil me up and take turns, if I thought it would serve our purpose. But you said I should be steeped with desire. I'm not."

The angel sighed. "Something is amiss. Give me your hand, child. Close your eyes and take three deep breaths. The Lord sees all, The Lord knows all, The Lord loves all... Ah. And now I see it too."

Gabby moved quickly to the doorway, saying, "Avigail, can you come here? Yes, you are needed within." The young maid of honor appeared in the doorway, wide-eyed, abashed, her short sandy-colored hair freshly tousled by the wind. Gabby went on, "We went looking for help on the wrong side of the aisle. Did I spy you and Chana touching hands during the ceremony?"

Whether it was the sight of bride and groom in bed, or the angel's insinuation, Avigail's cheeks went from olive tan to bright red. "Y-yes."

d"I admire your courage. You swore to uphold and defend your friends' marriage as maid of honor, even if it meant you would have to deny yourself. But tonight, they need your courage in the form of honesty. You're in love with Chana, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"And you, Chana?"

"It's confusing. But yes, I love them both."

"When you reach Sinai, you three should seek counsel from the matriarchs about how to sanctify these feelings. But tonight, as maid of honor, you have the right to the old custom."

"Are you serious?"

Gabby shot back a hard look. "I'm the Angel of The Lord. I am always serious."

Now it was Chana's turn to blush profusely. Bride and groom looked at each other for a long moment. Finally Matisyahu said, "I think you'd better make the formal offering, Av."

She approached with head bowed, and unlaced the top of her dress until it fell away to her waist, revealing the goosebumps and freckles and angrily flushed skin and close-set, perky little breasts, with nipples that were now hard as rocks. She took a breath and locked eyes with Chana.

"I offer to take the bride," she said.

"I accept," said Chana, raising a hand to cup her friend's breast. She could feel the heart pounding beneath.

"I'll give you two some space," said Matisyahu as he got to his feet. "If you can, leave a little strength in her, so that I can try to do my part. I won't be far off."

Avigail sat down and joined hands with the bride. "My dearest friend. I didn't think I would see you again tonight, and certainly not to talk about us."

Chana leaned in and kissed her forehead, and said, "It is a happy surprise."

"I wish I had been bold enough to tell the whole truth, before all of this..." Avigail gestured vaguely at the encampment outside. "My mind still struggles to take it in."

"I know! Imagine, tomorrow we will be free. But... we need to get through this night first. I don't fully understand it, but there is some special importance to this consummation. And now I'm afraid that I shouldn't have volunteered, that I'll let everyone down."

Avigail thought in silence a moment. Then she straightened up as tall as her little frame would allow, grasped her bride gently by the chin, and pulled her close.

"Listen to me, Chana. First of all. We are off the map of history, and yes, that can be scary. But I have faith in The Lord, and in you, and in our people. I have faith that all that we do is in accordance with His will, including us, here in this tent, kissing and touching and..."

They held each other tightly as they kissed, humbly at first, then hungrily. She pulled back.

"And secondly, Chana. You haven't let anyone down, and you won't. Least of all Mat." She chuckled. "You didn't see his face as he left, but I did. I also saw his erection. I believe even now, the thought of us together stokes the fire in him."

They giggled. Then they kissed some more, and Avigail pushed the bride back onto her bower and climbed on top. She said:

"I never told you, you have the loveliest neck and shoulders. A girl could lose herself in them."

Soft words in the tent came and went, and grew into moans and yelps over what seemed like an hour, but couldn't have been more than half that. Matisyahu looked to the angel, who shrugged and smiled placidly. Being apart from Chana was sweet torment. He didn't know if he'd empty himself in her tonight, or on the sand, but he knew it would be in her loving presence, and would end with him as well-done and dry as the unleavened bread.