All Comments on 'The Female Price of Male Pleasure'

Superb!

I get why Marshal speaks that way. You do mention his odd way of speaking as a characteristic. As for the rest, more words are not necessarily better. You need to lose nearly all the semicolons and ellipses too, as they are mostly used incorrectly which is odd for someone so steeped in academia.

"Normal height, scrawny build, oddly shaped eyes, lengthy hair that probably appeared more untidy than it actually was... although she would never be the one to tell him, he was as unremarkable and as easy to overlook as they came, and coupled with his queer manner of speech, snide commentary and rather ghostly complexion, she wasn't surprised in the slightest that he was suffering from the affliction that he so readily described."

That is one hell of a run-on sentence. It should be broken down into at least three sentences. And how can hair appear more untidy than it is? She can't look at him and think, "His hair is untidy, but I bet it looks more untidy than it is."?? Sorry, but that makes no sense.