The First Ninety Days Ch. 11

"I'm sure you'll get used to it," Christa said. "I didn't know too many Indians myself until I came to Greenfield, but now it's easy."

"What about the assistants and nurses and such?" Zach said.

"They're... They're a good group," Jon said. "I mean, I haven't known them that long, but... I mean, in order to handle this medical stuff, you have to have a certain amount of intelligence, or at least a certain amount of reliability. And... That's my kind of person. ...And of course I've only been there one day; God only knows how everything will pan out. But that's the feeling I get for now."

"Any people our age?" Caitlyn asked.

"Not too many," Jon said. "Most people our age are still in school, remember. But some."

"Hey, hold on," Zach said, grinning at her. "How come you didn't know that? You're his wife, you're supposed to be the first one he talks to."

"Well, because the instant I got home,she dropped all sorts of bombshell on me," Jon answered, giving her a wry leer that (she suspected) wasn't entirely joking.

"Uh-oh," said Christa. "Are you pregnant?"

Caitlyn laughed. "No, nothing like that. At least, I don't think so. My period should start, like, tomorrow, so ask me on Friday or something. But probably not. Iam on The Pill now."

"So, juicy gossip," Zach said, grinning. "Something interesting, probably, 'cause you didn't cheat on him and you aren't pregnant. Something harmless but really interesting in its implications. Which is the best kind."

Caitlyn hesitated for a moment; after all, she did want to have Zach and Christa's respect. But she had told Jon, the person whose rejection would hurt her most, and he had accepted her even in his surprise; and besides, if the Cranes were going to separate themselves from her for something as minor as this—after all the talk they'd shared, after all the discussions on sex technique she'd listened in on, after being one of the first people to meet Laurelyn Chambers—then their friendship wasn't worth that much to begin with.

"I told Jon that I want him to dominate me in bed," she said.

Zach and Christa shared a short look. Then they both turned back to Caitlyn. "And?" Zach said.

Jon laughed. "Well, remember that this is a girl who's never masturbated in her life."

"Well... Actually..." Her cheeks were flaming. "That's not true."

Jon shot her a look. "What? But you said that..."

"I know, I know, and... Itwas true. Until this afternoon."

Christa looked back and forth between them in confusion. "Why, is Jon not satisfying you?"

Yes, if he won't do this for me, she thought, but aloud she said, "No, that's not it at all. We did it really well this morning, actually. It's just that... I was thinking about, umm. About Jon, um. Dominating me. And... I gotreally worked up, so I..."

"You go, girl," Zach said, grinning.

"I wasreally worked up, it only took about three seconds," Caitlyn said, feeling redder than ever.

She saw Jon's eyebrows perform the now-familiar lift. "Jeez," he muttered into his drink.

"Okay, so..." said Christa to Jon. "What's the problem?"

Jon considered his drink for a moment.

"I just don't feel it's safe," he said. "I think that, for something as delicate as sex, it's a mistake to put in power and control and denial elements like this. Unless the bond isreally strong and can withstand violence that way."

"Well, the thing is, itis totally consensual," Zach said. "Caitlyn is consensually telling you to bugger off, and you're consensually getting her to yield to you." He grinned.

"Look, all I know is that what you play at has a way of becoming what you actually think," Jon said. "And I don'twant those ideas to become the way I think, no matter what. Because then what separates me from her parents? What keeps us from turning into them?"

"Oh, come on," Caitlyn protested. "That's not what's gonna happen—"

"Caitlyn, think about what theydid to you," Jon said. "Think about the way they think. They make the decision that they know what's best for someone else, and then they don't stop until that decision is enforced. That's the way they roll. It doesn't matter whatyou want, only whatthey want. It's rape, Caitlyn. It's violence. And I don't want to toy with that, even for fun." He reached out for her, his palm warm and rough against her cheek; it was the most intimate gesture they ever shared. "I love you too much for that."

She pressed his hand against her cheek, kissed his palm. "Oh, Jon. Don't you see? It's preciselybecause you love me too much to do it that wecan do it. It's because I know you neverwould hurt me."

"Today," Jon said. "What about tomorrow? What about a week from now? What about after we've done it so often that I grow to like it, and I want to have dominion over you like that? What happens when I become the thing I hate most?"

This was a different matter. "Jon, you wouldn't become that kind of—"

"Maybe, maybe not, but Caitlyn, I don't want to evenrisk it. This is more important than... Than anything."

"What is?" Christa said. Caitlyn had almost forgotten she was there. "What's more important? To not hurt Caitlyn?"

"To..." Jon looked back across the table. "To not turn out like her parents did. To not turn out likemy parents did. To not repeat history. To learn from their mistakes, and not screw my kids up like they did theirs."

Caitlyn took his hand again. "I never knew that."

Jon gave her something of an alarmed look. "Really? I'm sure I've mentioned it."

"You have?"

"Caitlyn, it's likethe most important thing to me. That's what I wanna do with my life. That's why I'm a Family Sim. Because there's nothing more important than raising your kids well."

That hehad said, both before and after they'd married. "Okay,now I'm back in we've-talked-about-this territory."

"Caitlyn, it sounds like this is something that's important to him," Christa said. "Is it something you really want to push him on?"

"No," said Caitlyn. "Not if it's important. But..." She could already feel the enthusiasm draining away. "I was really looking forward to it. I really liked the idea."

"I'm sorry," said Jon.

"It's okay. I'll get over it. It just..." Now she was a little frustrated. "I mean, we try everythingyou come up with. When's it my turn?"

"Cait, you don'thave to consent with the things I come up with. If any of them rub you the wrong way..."

"I mean, everything, just from day one," Caitlyn said. It was true, after all; he'd more or less guidedall their bedroom activities. "You're leading me, you'reteaching me..."

"Cait, that's just because I happen to be more experienced than you. It's not like I have an agenda or anything. I just..."

She was more angry than she'd realized. "Can't we just, for once, do somethingmy way? Just foronce. We do everythingyour way. Youowe me."

Jon looked a little helpless, so it was just as well (for him) that Christa intervened (Caitlyn felt for a moment that she should never have invited them). "Caitlyn, I'm not sure that's really a wise attitude to take about this. Are you listening to yourself?"

"So what if I'm not," Caitlyn said, feeling sulky.

"One of the ministers at the church where we work brought up an interesting point a while back," Zach said in a conversational tone. "He was talking about the difference between hopes and expectations. Ahope, he said, is a positive statement. It says, 'I think it would suit you to do whatever-it-is, but I won't judge your or love you any less if you don't.' Whereas anexpectation, on the other hand, is not supportive or positive or affirming whatsoever. It says, 'I think it would suit you to do whatever-it-is, and I withhold my love and approval until you do.' It's an act of violence. And I think you can guess which of the two modes you're approaching from now."

"And, Caitlyn, that'swhy I don't want to introduce these elements of power-play into our relationship," Jon said. "Love is about giving.Sex is about giving. There should never be an element of taking in it,never. Giving, yes; and accepting what is given. But never taking."

"Which makes it strange that the act itself is described as 'taking' a woman sometimes," Christa remarked.

"It is, isn't it," Jon said. "That's weird."

"Though, most of the time that's only in the romance novels," Christa said. "Especially the ones with the ripping bodices and thrusting loins."

"Wow," Zach laughed, "I can't believe you said that with a straight face." Caitlyn, for her part, could feel her own cheeks heating: those were exactly the terms used in the young-women's novels. Had Christa read the same ones?

"I've never read those," Jon said. "What's with the bodice-ripping?"

"Oh, it's just this weird trope in some of them," Christa said. "You know: the tall, intensely physical man who's interested in the woman's charms, and the woman is resisting—or at least issaying no. You know?"

"Yeah, right," Jon nodded, understanding blossoming on his face. "And he is, err, insistent, and she continues to resist but it turns out that she was either playing with him or was secretly aroused. Boom.Deus ex machina."

"It's not really a healthy outlook," Zach said. "Doubtlessly led to a certain amount of date-rape. The underlying philosophy is that a woman doesn't know her own wants when sex is concerned; she's just putting on an act to be seductive. Or living out society's expectations, since a good womennever says Yes to sex."

Caitlyn felt an extra bloom in her cheeks; that last sentence definitely applied to her. Or had, previously; there had been some adjustments made, starting on the night she'd said 'I do.'

"Meaning that, whenever a woman says No, the man feels justified in ignoring it," Jon said. "There's no provision for a womanmeaning No. Either she says Yes and they do it... Or she says No, which is a Yes in disguise to the man, and he keeps pressuring her until she relents, and... They do it."

"Date rape," Zach said.

"No, not really," Christa said. "It's a really fuzzy line. I've never been in that position personally, but I know someone who has, and we agreed pretty quickly that it's a gray area. I mean, it's 'Fine, let's get this over with.' Is that a No? Is that a Yes? It's not really either of them. She's relenting under duress. It's a gray area."

"Gray means no," Zach replied. "Look, remember what Derek used to say back in high school? Quoted Brian Billick: 'No means no, Maybe means no, and Yes means no the next morning.' " Jon laughed. "You cannever assume, is the point. So, 'Fine, let's get this over with' isdefinitely a No."

"Fair enough," said Christa, gesturing with a hand to accept his conclusions.

"Date rape," repeated Zach.

"Fair enough," said Christa again. "But—assuming of course that you actuallydid want the sex—I can see how it could be... Flattering. To have a man who knows what he wants, and plans to get it. And knows that he wants you." She grinned. "There's something to be said for raw physicality, especially where sex is involved."

"So you believe in it too?" Caitlyn said.

"Well, I'm not sure I'd wannaact it out, but, I certainly understand the appeal," Christa said.

"Hunh," said Zach. "You learn something new every day." He grinned. "I hadn't realized our sexcould get any more physical."

"Yeah, it gets pretty wild sometimes," Christa said, giggling. "I don't think Zach could do it either. He just... He doesn't run that way. He's too much like a puppy dog."

"Uhh..." said Zach. "Thanks. I think." He grinned.

"But Jon, on the other hand," said Christa. "Mmm... I can see it." She nodded. "I can see it. I think he could find it within himself to be masterful in bed."

Caitlyn felt herself beaming. She liked that idea.

Jon looked at her and rolled his eyes. "Ohthanks. Now she's going to badger me until I give in."

"Well, that's your job," said Christa. "To hold her back. Jon, the same thing is true of you as it is of Caitlyn: don't ever try something unless you feel completely comfortable with it. Your job isn't to try something you think is uncomfortable. Your job is toget comfortable with it."

Jon grimaced. "Yeah. I guess. Because she's right, wedo mostly do things my way. And..."

"And even if that weren't true," Zach said, "you'd still be obligated because you love her."

Jon squinted at him. "That's backwards, isn't it? I love her, so, isn't she under obligation to me?"

"Nope," said Zach. "Not at all. Nope nope nope. The person who's under obligation, my good man, isyou. Not because you owe her for gracing you with her presence or some other waffly thing like that. Nope. You have obligation to herbecause you love her. Your obligationis your love. Because, let's face it: if it's within your power to make her happy, you wanna do it. Don't you?"

Jon didn't answer. He didn't have to.

"So, once you find out what would make her happy, you've gotta do it. Because you love her. And there's nothing more important in the world than making her happy."

"Which is exactly how I feel when we make love," Caitlyn said to him. "Remember? You were asking whether I came, and I said, No, I don't need to. It's because of this." She stroked his hand. "It's because I love you, and that means your pleasure is more important than my own. It makes you happy to not have to worry about that, to just be inside me and let go of having to be, I don't know, responsible for the whole act. It makes you happy to just slide into me and be carefree. And besides..." She was blushing again. "I actually really,really like it when you come inside me."

Jon smiled at her. He turned his hand up to clasp hers.

"Well, why don't you try this at some point," Christa said. "Jon, it sounds like you're in charge most of the time when you guys are in bed, right?"

Caitlyn laughed. "Who else? He's the only one who knows what's going on."

"Well, why don't you reverse that some night?" Christa said. "Caitlyn,you be in charge. You make the decisions, you take control—it's only been a few weeks, but I bet you know enough about himself and yourself to keep things moving."

Caitlyn frowned. "I don't wanna be in charge. Wasn't the whole point that I wantedhim to bemore in-charge?"

"Yes, and he's going to work on that," Christa said. "In the meanwhile, ifyou're in charge, it might give you more ideas for thingsyou'd like to try. You said that you guys always did things Jon's way, because he's the only one who knows what's going on. Well, if you explore, maybe you'll be able to even the knowledge out. And maybe you'll find things to try which Jon finds, ahh, less objectionable."

"Fair enough," said Caitlyn, borrowing Christa's expression.

"And you," Christa said, looking at Jon, "you have your assignment already."

"Okay, Mrs. Crane," said Jon in a squeaky voice. "Is it time for recess yet?"

"I keep telling you you should get a teaching credential," Zach remarked.

After the Cranes had gone, things were a little subdued; Jon and Caitlyn put away the leftovers and cleaned up without much talk. She knew that Jon was mulling over everything that he'd heard tonight; and, to be fair, she herself had some new thoughts to consider. Now that Zach had mentioned it, she could see how almost her whole life had been one long string of expectations—of people making demands on her time and thought and energy. Even better, her parents had never let her turn down one of these requests; when she was younger, they'd made the decisions for her, and by the time she was older, the habit had settled to the consistency of concrete. Oh, to be sure, they'd claimed it was for her own good, and maybe it was; certainly she had already achieved a certain notoriety as a harp player despite her meager age. But the end result was that she was almost completely incapable of saying No.

Only Jon had ever gone into things without placing demands on her.

But even then, the distinction was meager in her mind—not because Jon's approach was similar, or because he was lying; no, it was because (she realized) she still had no conception of saying No. If a person needed her help, she helped them; this was law. It was the Christian thing to do. Jon was much the same; it was part of what drew them together. But Jon had always been much better about drawing barriers around himself—like with this whole dominance thing; he wasn't rude about it, and tried to minimize the conflict, but he'd made it clear that he had problems with the whole thing and didn't want to participate. For Jon, saying No was something as self-evident as breathing.

And what Zach had said about love! She'd never thought of it in quite that way before. It was a strange way of looking at love, but there was no denying its power.

"We should introduce Zach to Pastor Pendleton one day," she said. "I think they might get along."

"I'm sure they'd be able to have some great conversations at least," Jon agreed.

Jon took a shower while Caitlyn checked her e-mail; whether by coincidence or some other skill, her mother called while he was busy. It still startled Caitlyn how much it surprised her to see that name and number flash across her screen; she'd seen it multiple times a day while she still lived with her family. Shouldn't she be used to it? Why should shenot be used to it now? "Hi Mom."

"Good evening, Caitlyn. How was school?"

"Oh... School-ish. You know how it is."

"No, I'm sure I don't." Caitlyn's mom was a second-grade teacher, and brooked no disrespect for education.

"Well, it's only just started," Caitlyn said, feeling a pang of the old impatience. Mom knew that; she'd been calling every night. "There hasn't been that much time for anything to settle yet." She was fairly sure Mom was asking just to make conversation, which was all well and good in person but sillier when you were calling someone up at 9:30 PM.

"I can't believe your school only started now. I've been back in since the 7th. We've already moved on to some advanced topics."

"What, like three plus three?" said Caitlyn.

There was a frosty silence. "Caitlyn, I don't know what's been going on between you and that man, but I am still your mother and deserving of your respect."

This was no time to get into an argument; Caitlyn didn't really want any more strife in her life. Especially not with Mom. Who would sit here and argue until she got her way, which at this rate could take until two o'clock tomorrow morning. "I'm sorry, Mom, it's been a long day." She was beginning to understand what Jon had said about her parents getting their way.

"That's no excuse. I raised you better than that."

"Well, then, it's a good thing I married a man who's willing to put up with it," said Caitlyn.

"Yes. Your husband." Caitlyn could swear the phone was getting chilly in her grip. "How are things in your... household?"

I'm trying to get him to dominate me, Mom. I learned it from you. "Just fine. He's starting at a new job, and I have an interview tomorrow for a position on-campus. And just now we had Zach and Christa Cranes over for an impromptu dinner party."

"On a Monday night?"

"Well, we're all busy people, Mom, we gotta move it or lose it."

"A new job, you say." Caitlyn had the distinct impression that Mom had never heard that slang before. "What's he doing now?"