The Frotyssey Pt. 01: The Cyclops

Blodysseus and his men were on their way seaward back to their island paradise. They had all been partying the past few days, celebrating their hard-fought victory. Unfortunately that leads to hangovers and despite the men being strong and in good health, they could not escape the damage they had done to themselves. They'd hoped the trip home would be a few short days at the most. However, they could all really use some rest. Just when the worst of the hangover was setting in there was an island spotted off in the distance.

"Boys," said Blodyseus, silhouetted by the late afternoon sun, his muscles gleaning in the light "we gotta sleep this shit off somehow, how say we go to that island?" he asked his men.

"We can power through this, bro!" said Jerkules, always a bit of a malcontent but still very much respected.

"Says the one that doesn't drink," joked Blodysseus, "how about the rest of you?"

The men's groans and slurred words indicated their agreement with him that they should head toward the island.

"Alright men, land ho!" and Blodysseus and crew steered the ship toward the island, using the last of their energy to row themselves there. They arrived as the sun was going down. It didn't take them long to beach the ship and pass out, falling asleep to a beautiful full moon and the sound of the gentle waves breaking on the shore. Blodysseus rose with the sun only to find Jerkules washing himself, the water cascading off his broad shoulders down the the rest of his muscular body, channeling between his toned abs. They both shared a gaze and smiled.

"You want some of this?" said Jerkules.

"Ha!," exclaimed Blodysseus, "I don't do teases. I'm too seasoned to fall for that."

"Maybe I'm just a lost boy looking for his daddy." replied Jerkules, winking and cocking his head to the side.

"Oh, you can be cute." Blodysseus could feel what was in the air. Just then his stomach started growling, then the post-hangover hunger hit. The rest of the men were also beginning to stir. They reasoned they would forage a bit to save their supplies for when they were back on the sea. The place was beautiful. White sands and green, lush vegetation defined the terrain. The men soon found a cave and, of course, ventured inside to soothe their curiosity. Maybe they'd find mushrooms or something else to eat. Or just something interesting to look at.

They weren't let down. The place was fairly large and without the dank air of most caves, and full of food items. Baskets of mushrooms were to be found along the walls beside containers of cheeses that were still drying. Obviously somebody lived here but there was no sign of whoever inhabited this cave. "Be fast about it, boys," said Blodysseus, "let's get what we need and go." Just as his boys began gathering up the food they began feeling vibrations that quickly increased their intensity.

Then they found the sources of the vibrations as a giant, humanoid creature entered the room. "Who the fuck?" his deep voice boomed, echoing throughout the cave, "Oh, you little shits!"

The men were terrified. They had been caught red-handed and by a cyclops, large enough to easily crush all of them. One of them was stuffing mushrooms into a sack when the creature entered and he stood petrified in horror as the creature looked down on him with his one large eye. Then it picked him up, crushed him in his large, dirty hands and popped the man into his mouth, chewing a bit then swallowing.

"I need something to wash that down. Haven't had fresh meat in so long!" The cyclops then picked up another man trying to run away and ripped his head off. He then began to suck out the blood from the corpse. "Much better I feel!" The creature then let out a loud belch, ringing eerily off the rocky walls. Blodysseus and the surviving Greeks were hiding behind various items and structures in the cave. Cyclops took notice. "I saw more than two of you and I will find the rest of you. This is my home, the home of Polyphallus!" he exclaimed, proud of himself and what he had just done. Anger was beginning to simmer in the Greeks.

The large cyclops had just laid down to take his midday nap. Blodysseus was determined to get revenge on the large beast for the men he had just killed. Polyphallus had one last inquiry before he went to his slumber, "When I wake up, all of you will be eaten one by one. However, I must ask, who is the leader of this little annoyance?"

"That be me, Nohbdy. The great Lord Nohbdy of Athens." responded Blodysseus.

"Well then Nohbdy, you shall be the first on my menu. Get some rest, I like my food squirming."

Blodysseus already had a plan in the works. He would put out the cyclops' eye and run out of the cave. There was nothing to make a spear, nothing even to make a weapon. They were trapped in the dimly lit cave. Jerkules, the second in command, had other ideas, "Why don't we just run out of here back to the ship? He's sleeping and by the way he's snoring, he won't be up for a while."

"No," Blodysseus replied, "we must make him pay for his crimes. We shall put out his eye."

"How do you plan going about doing this?"

"Lift his loin-cloth."

"I'm sorry if this offends you, but I'm not doing that. I am not touching that thing."

"And that is why you are an outcast in our army, men must do what must be done."

"Oh? You don't think I can handle this?" Jerkules replied, grinning with a gleam in his eye.

"That's what we need!" Blodysseus knew he just had to challenge his subordinate to get him going.

Excited, Blodysseus explained his plan in a whisper. The men listened eagerly, some faces were made. They would indeed make the cyclops pay for his crimes, and change his life forever.

Four eager men led by Jerkules creeped up Polyphallus' legs and lifted the sheep-skin loin-cloth and saw the weapon of this objective. Jerkules made them rub the phallus until it was hard. This took a while, as they were so small compared to the cyclops. When it was hard, they climbed to the top and began rubbing the head.

They could feel the cyclops' blood rushing beneath their feet. Polyphallus' coarse, unkempt pubic hair made things all the more arduous, as the cave retained heat like a sauna. Their sweat and that of the beast lubricated the phallus.

Suddenly there was a convulsion, the cyclops lifted its head and with its one eye, looked down, "What the hell?" Polyphallus exclaimed and a white blast shot out from the erect phallus and into his eye. His voice was deep, "What the fuck, oh god... what have you guys done?" Then he emitted a high pitched scream. "My eye! Who made me cum in my eye? Who made me cum in my eye?" He exclaimed.

Polyphallus's brothers, the other cyclopes, heard him and their booming voices could be heard outside, the baritone echo ringing into the cave. "Polyphallus, calm down, calm down. Who did this too you? Who made you cum in your eye?"

"Nohbdy, Nohbdy made me cum in my eye!"

"Well, well, well, typical Polyphallus. Sorry for your accident, we'll be off to our rest." The beasts walked off, their deep roaring laughter echoing in the cave.

In the panic, Blodysseus and his men had run through the cave and back out to the beach. The ship was still there with the guard he had left. They scrambled onto the ship, the sand spraying beneath their feet and sticking to the sweat slathering their muscles. Screams could be heard from the cave of Polyphyllus. Then the beast came out.

The Greeks were already on the ship and hurrying out to sea when Polyphallus, hearing them, hurled a boulder he instantly wished he had used as a door to keep out these tiny demons. It landed close to the ship, creating a large wave that nearly capsized the boat. From miles away they could still hear Polyphallus the cyclops screaming in humiliating agony.

The men congratulated each other on the boat when they could no longer see the island. "Hey, Blodysseus'" exclaimed Jerkules, brimming with laughter, "what about me not doing what needs to be done?" Blodysseus walked up to congratulate his subordinate when he was met with a surprise.

Jerkules proceeded to slap him in the face with his right hand that was still oozing with the seed of the cyclops. Both men then embraced and laughed, then kissed, smearing the cyclops' seed on both of their faces and into their beards. They shared a gaze and smiled, proud of doing what had to be done.