The Girl on the Bridge

She nibbles against my clit. "Did I say you can stop talking."

I shiver runs down my spine and I open my eyes. I didn't even realize I closed them. "I saw Evelyn."

She stops for a moment and I want to look down at her but my skirt is blocking any view I would have of her.

She finally runs her finger down the edge of my underwear. "We'll talk about that later." She casually throws it out there.

I want to ask about what she means by that but she chooses that moment to pull the panties aside and lick my warm pussy.

"Ahh-" I manage to cover my mouth with one hand. The move seems like a natural response. Something I've had to do in the past. I feel a memory trying to rear its head in but the more I try to recall it, the harder it is to grasp. She licks two more times and then stops.

"I made plans to come and see you." I try to focus on my words.

This seems to excite her and she flutters her tongue against my clit.

"Oh," I moan against my hand.

"I needed to see you." I try to be honest.

She latches onto my clit and I bring a hand down to cup the back of her head. My hips start to thrust on their own. I ride her face, letting her wet tongue mingle with my juices.

"I don't know why but you make me feel..." I leave the sentence hanging between us.

She stops all movement.

"Alive." I admit, quietly. "Like, I'm here, in the moment."

She covers my clit with her warm lips and has me cumming into her mouth a few moments later. I rub my pussy against her face, letting my juices coat her chin, her mouth, her nose. She groans in appreciation. The feeling soon becomes too much and I pull back. I barely have time to recover before she pulls me down to sit on her lap. Both of my legs are thrown to the side of the chair and I stare at her. Her lips are glistening and her eyelids are low.

"You have to tell me if it's too much." She says before kissing me deeply, giving me a taste of myself. "I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with."

I'm breathing hard again.

"Was it always like this?" I have wondered. How did she get me to commit to this? To allow her to do as she wanted with me? I don't have a problem with it at all. I'm quickly becoming addicted to it. But I'm finding it hard to believe I gave in with no resistance.

She shakes her head and digs her nails into my head. There is a tender look on her face and I watch as her eyes turn misty. "You really don't remember." For once her voice sounds uncertain, small, vulnerable.

I tentatively seek out her other hand to hold it.

She lets a tear roll down her cheek and I do what feels natural. I kiss it away before it falls down her chin.

"Don't cry." My request sounds minor.

Her smile is sad. "We went through so much. It feels like we're starting over."

"It feels like I'm catching up pretty quick." I try to reason. Will she want to leave me now because I'm not experienced? I've never done anything like this before. I didn't even know people did things like this. But I will give it my all. She just has to give me a chance.

She shakes her head and kisses me lightly. "That's not what I meant. You made a lot of progress. You started taking care of yourself more, eating better, even picking up some hobbies." She looks concerned.

I look away, trying to avoid her knowing look. She knows too much. More than anyone in my life. More than my supposed friend or my parents.

"I know you're not eating well." She pulls my skirt up a little higher and points to the small scars that I have created over the years. Each one lined up perfectly to give a semblance of control to the, almost synchronous, pain.

I pull my skirt down, avoiding her look. This is one of my deepest darkest secrets that I swore I would never tell a soul. I never meant to get close to anyone who would ever find out. I've been with others in the past who never realized what was happening.

"I haven't done it since I was released from the hospital." I hate that I have to explain myself and hope that she believes me. Why do I care if she does?

"I can see that you have revisited a couple from the past but didn't cut deep enough for it to bleed." She rubs my arm.

I hate this feeling. Because she sees all of me. The dull and ugly side of me that I keep hidden from everyone else.

My eyes swell up. "I don't know why I get the urge to do it."

She pulls my head down and lets me rest against her chest.

"You told me it was because you wanted to feel something. Anything."

I turn my face into her neck and silently cry.

"I used to watch you sometimes. You would go to this place so far away, even I couldn't reach you. It was your escape from the real world. This restlessness inside of you, the urge to crawl out of your skin. I get it. I have felt it. But I just throw it into my work. You told me your therapy sessions didn't help." She sighs. "The moment we met, there was an instant connection. I wanted to take care of you with all of my might. Jump in front of a moving train if I had to. You didn't ask me to do that. But your eyes begged me to save you."

It all sounds true. It sounds right.

"Why are you leaving?" I stop my tears but don't look at her. It's easier to talk to her when I don't have to look into her dark eyes. They can pull every emotion out of me.

She leans further back and sits in silence for a while. "There are some really good job opportunities waiting for me if I go. People are willing to pay almost triple what I get here. They want personalized paintings and their friends do too. I would open a new gallery there and I don't want to travel back and forth."

So, you'll just leave me? I want to yell. But my body is spent. I don't want to yell anymore.

I slowly get up and look down at her. "When do you leave?"

"September 1st." There is no emotion on her face.

I nod. Then after more silence I ask what I have been wanting to know since the beginning. "What happened the last time I saw you?"

Her eyes turn hard. "I can tell you what happened over dinner."

"Stop." I put my hand up. I'm exhausted. "Either you are going to tell me or I don't see why we should ever see each other again."

She takes a deep breath. "So, I tell you now and you never talk to me or I never tell you and still never talk to me?'

"Is it that bad?" I rub my face.

"Just give me a few more days with you. Show you what we can have if you trust me." She is becoming desperate.

"You will still leave." I point out.

"I can make you do as I say without having you question me." Her intent is obvious.

"You can, and then I will resent you for it."

She gets up and walks me through the office door until we get to the front doors of the building. "Just give some time. But give me all of you. No conditions." She's begging me with her eyes.

I find it hard to look away. My heart yearns for her and all that she has to offer.

"Here." I give her my phone so she can give me her number. "If I don't call by tomorrow night, just let me be." She gives me my phone back after putting her information in. "Bye, Camryn."

I leave without looking back.

~~~~

{Camryn}

The big day has come. It's Emma's birthday.

I try to keep my communication with her to a minimum. I call her first thing in the morning to wish her a happy birthday and promise to pick her up at her place after work. She wanted to take the day off but Evelyn told her they had a cake ready for her at the office and it gave me more time to prep their place. Of course, Emma chose to go to work so that she wouldn't let her roommate down. She's too pure. Too nice for her own good.

I show up to their place at exactly 5pm.

I begin by arranging the balloons and cupcakes I picked up in a presentable manner. Being an artist shows I'm creative, but decorating is not my strong suit. Luckily Evelyn took care of buying most of the decorations beforehand, so I just put the yellow balloons where I think they make the most sense. I look down at my watch and realize Emma should be here in less than 40 minutes. I use her shower to get ready and change in her room. The black jeans and white shirt are nothing special but I get giddy at the thought of the real surprise waiting back at my place tonight.

The front door suddenly closes and I jump at the sound.

Shit! She's here or maybe the guests are going to start arriving now?

As I round the corner, I notice that the lights have been dimmed low.

Evelyn is looking at the cupcakes on the table.

"You did a great job!" She rushes into my arms and gives me a hug.

I keep my arms at my side, caught off guard. We've never hugged before. Shaking hands has been the closest thing to physical contact between us. She has taken off her blazer and only has her white spaghetti strap and slacks. She even removed her shoes.

"Where is everyone? I thought people would be getting in by now?" I move away from her and walk to the other side of the table, pretending to fix a balloon.

"Oh, they should be arriving soon. Emma went to grab a drink with a couple of coworkers, so that will buy us some more time." She walks closer to me and I cross my arms.

"I'll go out and get some more drinks, maybe I didn't get enough alcohol." I lamely point at the five liquor bottles on the table.

She steps in front of me and places a hand on my arm. "Camryn, I think we got off on the wrong foot." I shift away, feeling my skin crawl, but she just gets closer. "I just want us to start over. You have become someone very important to Emma and I have seen a change in her that I can only assume is your doing." She's looking up at me under her lashes. "She is so lucky to have someone like you in her life." She leans up closer.

I see through her act. This innocent best friend act is hard to buy when there is no emotion in her eyes. What she lacks in that department she tries to make up for by being physical. But her sultry looks, pouty lips, and heavy-handed flirtations overpower my senses in the worst way. It is like using a restroom at a gas station, the air smells of cheap perfume but it can't mask the poor upkeep.

I put my hands on her shoulders and push her down. "Thank you, Evelyn. I am actually the lucky one because Emma is amazing." The anger is evident in my voice.

Her smile turns slightly. "She doesn't deserve you." She whispers. "Emma has everything she needs. She has always had what she has wanted. She doesn't deserve someone like you."

How much force would it take for me to throw her across the room? Talking about Emma in such a degrading way, as if she were an enemy and not a friend. I ball my hands and control the urge to slap her. It wouldn't do any good to stoop to her level. She's worse than chicken shit.

"How could you say that?" I feel sick to my stomach. To have someone like her by Emma's side all this time. It has to explain some of Emma's insecurities. I'm sure Evelyn is manipulative enough to play some mind guys to feed some perverse feeling inside of her.

"Don't you see? I can be what you need. I can give you what she can't. I can be happy in your arms. I won't play hard to get." She leans in and crushes her lips against mine.

The front door slams closed and I jump away from Evelyn.

There is no one at the door.

My heart drops and I instantly turn to push her to the ground.

I wrap my hand around her neck. "I want you out of this apartment by tonight. If you don't, I will make sure to make your life a living Hell."

Her face is turning a deep red from the lack of oxygen and the veins on her temple are starting to pop out but she looks serene. Looking into my eyes, I see peace in hers. She smiles and blows me a kiss.

"Stay the fuck away from Emma, you crazy bitch." I slam her hair against the carpet and run out of the apartment.

~~~~

{Emma}

I sit in the tub contemplating what to do.

She knows a lot about me. She knows me, the real me. The one I hide behind this complacent mask. I run my hands along the scars on my thighs. My parents don't know about them but they assume something is wrong with me and make me go to therapy. Instead of trying to figure it out on their own they throw me on to someone else. It is hard opening up to my therapist knowing she could send me to a looney bin if I told her all that really went through my head. I was also very young and impulsive then, when I first started cutting.

Does Camryn help me get over or through this endless path of misery? In the last few days, I can see that she could. She really cares.

I didn't lie to her when I said I haven't cut myself since the accident. Even probably before then. My life seemed to be getting better with my new job and my own place. My roommate isn't so bad, I had something to look forward to being with Camryn. I am just sure of it. Living with my parents isn't the only problem. I know it is within me, in my head. This self-destructive nature that always questions the meaning of life and if I am actually doing something useful with it. My parents are overbearing at times and want me to act a certain way so that I don't embarrass them, but I have been unhappy since I was small. Even on my best days there was always a part of me that couldn't let go of what was holding me back.

I think back to being tied up under her.

That's the closest that I've been to being completely out of my head and quieting my incessant thoughts. I wasn't worried about how I was acting and what others thought about me. There was no self-loathing. Being under her made me feel at ease. Being under her care. She didn't push me over the edge, just enough to get me to stop thinking and start feeling. Something very different than I had experienced in the past. I could go days without feeling. Or weeks of feeling too much. There isn't an even balance. At least not when I wasn't around her. Being around her does rouse feelings but they're not all bad. The feelings are also controlled and easier to handle.

Being attracted to her and feeling desired is an unusual feeling. One that I don't want to let go of. I want her. She wants me. She wants me but is willing to leave me. Everyone seems to think she is bad for me. Why? There is no way my parents know what we were up to in the past, they would have her thrown in jail. They wouldn't know what to make of it. Their only child, looking forward to being tied up and denied an orgasm.

One person that might know some details is Evelyn. She was relieved that I didn't remember Camryn, which is odd, but maybe she has her own reasons for distrusting her. I try to think back to how we met. Why Evelyn and I ever move in together. But my brain is as selfish with keeping away thoughts of Camryn as it is of Evelyn. She was very calm and when we talked, I could tell she was hiding something, but I think she's harmless. She's probably the best person to get answers from. At least, I hope. I just need to give her more time to get used to the idea that her former friend doesn't remember her.

The water is cold and my fingers are wrinkling up.

I get out of the tub and dry myself off. I don't bother looking at myself in the mirror. The half-eaten mac and cheese sits on the kitchen counter and I toss it in the trash can. I try to ignore Camryn's words from earlier, I have been eating well enough. Will she force me to eat the whole time we're together?

She's not that bossy, is she?

~~~~

{Camryn}

I push the doors open and leave the stairwell behind me.

I see her! Walking out of the building.

She starts to curse and yell as soon as she sees me. I try explaining what she saw, trying to put some space between us but also not letting her walk away. I persuade her to get into a cab with me and ask the driver to take us to my place. Emma is simmering the whole time. I see the wheels turning in her head. Her eyebrows are furrowed and she's gnawing on her bottom lip. I wipe my lips and the memory of Evelyn ever getting near them. She has problems of her own she needed to figure out. There is something seriously wrong with her. Had she approached the whole situation differently and asked for help, I would have been more than happy to assist her. But no, she rather hurt Emma to get what she wants. Whatever that is.

After giving the taxi driver a tip, I drag Emma behind me to my apartment.

Her eyes are blank when we sit across from each other on my couch.

"Emma, you have to know. Baby, you have to know I would never do anything to hurt you." My voice is pleading.

She's far away, getting pulled further and further away by her thoughts.

I hold her face and rub her cheek. She's pale. God, she needs something to eat.

"She planned everything." I try to explain.

Her eyes focus on mine and she scoffs. "She made you kiss her?"

"I didn't kiss her!" I let go of her and sit back. I have to control my breathing, my thoughts, I need her to understand. "Emma, Evelyn has serious problems."

"I know what I saw." Her face holds resolve.

I kneel by her legs but she shrinks away when I try to touch her. "Emma, I love you. I didn't kiss her. Please believe me."

Her eyes are bright. "Believe that you will choose someone like me when Evelyn is also available?"

I shake my head. "That is bullshit. You're mine. I'm yours. You know this." I'm at a loss at this point. I want her to believe me. I want her to have trust in us. Have I not loved her enough? Not shown her how valuable she is to me. She is my favorite person in the world. No one can ever change that. Is our relationship so fragile that one misunderstanding can throw everything out the window?

"I'm not yours." She spits out.

My heart drops.

"I want you to stay away from me." She gets up but I grab onto her legs.

"No! You can't leave me." The desperation in my voice fills the room. I think about the ring in my suit jacket and run to get it.

When I run back into the living room I am standing alone.

I run down the stairs and catch her right as she is getting out of the elevator.

"Marry me!" I put the small box in her hands.

She takes in a shaky breath and starts to cry.

"Please, please. Don't leave me. I need you." I start to tear up.

All this time I thought I was the one who was saving her when she was actually saving me. She is my everything. And now she wants to leave me. My mind can't even fathom a life without Emma. I need her.

"Don't." She pushes the box back in my hand. "I can't." She rushes out of the building, leaving me with my future in a blue box.

~~~~

{Emma}

I go back to my parents' house the next day.

After thinking about it all night, tossing and turning, debating on whether or not I should spend more time with Camryn, I decide it is best to call it quits while I can. I can't imagine falling deeper and deeper in lust with her just to have her walk away from it all. I would be left ruined. No one would ever be able to replace her and I would be a fool to think I won't spend the rest of my life trying. At least now I still have a chance to start over. I haven't had any more memories of our past interrupt my sights on my future. I can pick up where I left off. Try to take care of myself and shut her out of my mind.

I can do that. Right?

My parents are happy to have me back. They know I'm just staying for the time being and that I will go back to my own place eventually. I'm thinking maybe after September, I don't tell them that of course. The further away I am the better. I won't be tempted to seek her out. Her number burns a hole in my back pocket, so I leave my phone in my room. I already made plans to see Heather later.

I walk around the house trying to pass the time. My father is in his study on a conference call and my mother went out to grab lunch with her friends. I stop in the middle of the hallway and walk towards the tall window. I lean against the wall and stare down at the gardener, picking the weeds out. If they let them grow, they will take over the whole garden. Is it as easy as pulling them out?