The Gray Man Ch. 44 - Bianca

Dear Reader, this one is a bit dark after Gray's episode at Arlington - There is direct talk about self harm. PLEASE if you are not safe, if you have thoughts of self harm - reach out for the help that is available. The world needs you, more than you might realize ~ Pelican

Gray stood at the threshold of "The Brig," a beer garden and pub across from the Navy Yard. A hesitant breath escaping his lips as he observed the folks coming and going on this late fall afternoon.. The Beer Garden would often be filled on summer afternoons and evenings. Today, however, the crisp fall air had driven the outside crowd inside. Two weeks of relentless persuasion from Admiral Barnett had finally led him to this moment - to meet with Dr. Rossi, a psychiatrist whose reputation as someone who could walk with a warrior battling Post Traumatic was not surpassed in the DC Area. Her offices were housed in the Washington Navy Yard as part of the US Navy Judge Advocate General Headquarters. She worked tirelessly with Sailors and Marines as they worked their way through the US MIlitary Criminal Justice System. She was also an invaluable resource to NCIS, the Navy Chaplain Corp, as well as the Navy Medical Corp.

Summoning his courage, Gray stepped into the warmth of The Brig. The usual bustle of a brewery and beer garden somewhat muted on the crisp Autumn afternoon. His eyes scanned the room until they landed on a figure seated alone at a corner table. The table that the email said Dr. Rossi would be seated. The woman's presence was a study in contrasts - poised yet approachable, her dark hair cascading in loose waves around her shoulders, framing a face adorned with gentle features and eyes that glinted with warmth and understanding.

As Gray approached, the woman glanced up, her gaze meeting his with a curious spark of recognition. For a moment, they stood locked in a silent exchange, the weight of anticipation hanging heavy in the air. Then, with a soft smile, the woman rose from her seat, extending her hand in greeting.

"Dr. Rossi?" Gray ventured, his voice tinged with uncertainty.

The woman's smile widened, a twinkle of amusement dancing in her eyes. "That's me," she confirmed, her voice carrying a melodic lilt that belied her authoritative presence. "And you must be Gray."

Gray nodded, his apprehension melting away in the face of Dr. Rossi's warm demeanor. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you, I have to confess to my surprise..."

Emily Rossi laughed, "That I'm a woman. I get that a lot. Folks read Naval Aviator and they think F-18, I was an E-2 jockey." She stood and returned Gray's handshake with a firm grip. Dr. Rossi replied, gesturing for Gray to take a seat opposite her. "Please, have a seat. As you can see, I started the beer without you. What are you having? Their German Beer selection is wonderful on the lips and hell on the waist."

Gray nodded gratefully, the tension in his shoulders easing as he settled into the chair opposite Dr. Rossi. He scanned the Beers on Tap menu at the table and smiled, "Impressive, how have I not heard of this place before?"

Emily chuckled again, "It's a Navy Place, we only allow a select few ground pounders through the door."

It was TJ's turn to crack a smile, "Then I truly appreciate the invitation." The server walked up to the table as TJ turned his head to her, "I'll have a Ayinger Oktober Fest-Märzen." Dr. Rossi noticed that his voice betrayed a bit of anxiousness which she guessed rightly would make TJ upset, but from her perspective made him human.

Dr. Rossi nodded, signaling to a passing server before turning her attention back to Gray. "So, Gray," she began, "Tell me about yourself." She eased into the conversation with a bit of a taunt, "Unlike you, I did my research, I know everything that I was cleared for about your military career. You are a true hero."

TJ's smile faded, "Thank you, ma'am. I was just doing my job."

Emily Rossi chuckled, "Okay, there are some things we need to get out of the way. There is no Sergeant Major and Lieutenant Commander here - not even a Mr. James and Dr. Rossi - how about TJ and Emily. You aren't here under orders. Just two folks sharing a beer. Fair?"

TJ nodded, "Fair, ma'am." Dr. Rossi watched as TJ actually blushed a little, "Emily - old habits die hard."

TJ's beer arrived. He lifted his mug towards Emily, "Here's to the army and navy, and the battles they have won." Emily lifted her mug and lowered her head in a salute. As he put his mug on the table TJ added, "Go Army, Beat Navy."

Dr. Rossi shook her head, "We will get back in the win column soon." She paused, her eyes softened to an almost pale blue, "So, TJ," Emily began, her voice soft yet steady. "Tell me a bit about yourself. How has life been treating you lately?"

TJ shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his eyes darting to the floor as if searching for an escape route. "I'm sure Admiral Barnett has given you a bit of access to more than just my Personnel File. Let's just say that life's been... complicated," he replied, his voice laced with a weary resignation. "I've had my fair share of ups and downs, you know?"

Emily nodded, her expression a portrait of empathy as she listened intently to TJ's words. "I can only imagine," she murmured, her tone tinged with understanding. "Life has a way of throwing us curve balls when we least expect it."

TJ chuckled softly, a hint of bitterness seeping into his laughter. "You can say that again," he muttered, his gaze distant as he retreated into his memories.

Emily watched him closely, sensing the walls he had erected around his heart, the barriers that shielded him from the pain of his past. She knew that earning TJ's trust would be no easy feat, but she was determined to break through the walls he had built and help him find solace in the midst of his turmoil.

"Tell me, TJ," Emily ventured, her voice gentle yet probing. "One of the things I have learned to ask indirectly, but I think with you I can be direct. What brings you here today? The Admiral did mention Post Traumatic, but didn't go into details. That doesn't just show up one day, it builds over time. So, what happened this time that was different?"

TJ hesitated, his gaze flickered with uncertainty as if weighing the merits of divulging his innermost thoughts. "It's... complicated," he replied evasively, his words tinged with a hint of defensiveness.

Emily nodded, unfazed by his guarded demeanor. "Complicated seems to be a recurring theme in your life," she observed, her tone laced with a hint of amusement. "But sometimes, the first step towards untangling the mess is simply acknowledging that it exists."

TJ's shoulders tensed at her words, a flicker of vulnerability crossing his features before he quickly masked it with a steely resolve. "I guess you could say I'm tired of pretending like everything's okay," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "I've been carrying this weight for far too long, and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up."

Emily reached across the table, her hand hovering over TJ's as if offering him a lifeline in his darkest hour. "You don't have to carry this burden alone, TJ, you have folks who truly love you. Is it that you have to carry the burden alone, or that you've chosen to carry the burden alone?"

TJ nodded, his expression a mixture of apprehension, doubt and gratitude. "I appreciate that, Doc," he murmured, his voice tinged with uncertainty. "That would be a new thing for me. I spent days and weeks outside the wire alone - it's how I prefer to handle things."

Dr. Rossi offered him a reassuring smile, her eyes filled with warmth and understanding. "Let's start by addressing your safety," she suggested, her tone serious as she broached the delicate subject. "Forgive me for being blunt, but I know how a warrior's brain works. Have you been experiencing any thoughts of self-harm or suicide?"

TJ hesitated, his gaze dropping to his hands as he wrestled with the weight of Emily's question. "I... I've had moments," he admitted reluctantly, his voice barely above a whisper. "But I've managed to keep them at bay so far."

Emily nodded, her expression tinged with concern. "There is your start," she replied gently. "You have stared into the abyss and seen its dark allure and walked away. A journey like this is a log of small victories - and that's a huge one."

TJ's shoulders sagged with relief, the weight of his burdens feeling slightly lighter in the face of Emily's unwavering support. "Thanks, Doc," he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. "I'm not too proud to say that there were a couple of times that the monster almost won. Hell, I was afraid it won when I collapsed a couple of weeks ago."

Emily smiled her inviting smile, her soft brown hair framing her face, "Why don't we start there."

TJ took a deep breath, steeling himself for the flood of memories that threatened to overwhelm him. "It was a few weeks ago," he began, his voice strained with the weight of his words. "I had gone for a long run, had zero intention of going into Arlington, but when I got to the bridge it felt like a giant magnet was pulling me through the gates. In what I did over there the one constant no matter where I was in the world was to trust my gut, so I did."

Dr. Rossi nodded, her expression one of solemn understanding. "Go on," she urged, her voice a steady anchor in the storm of TJ's emotions.

"I don't know what triggered it," TJ admitted, his voice growing hoarse with emotion. "But suddenly, I was overcome with this... this overwhelming sense of panic, almost existential dread. My heart was pounding in my chest, everything smelled like war, and all I could hear in my head was the cracking of the whip. I couldn't catch my breath."

Dr. Rossi listened intently, her eyes filled with compassion as she witnessed the raw vulnerability in TJ's words. "What happened next?" she prompted gently, encouraging him to continue.

"It was going into a tunnel. Even the sounds in my head sounded miles away, peripheral vision left, then everything started to turn gray.. I collapsed," TJ confessed, his voice barely above a whisper. "Right there in front of the graves of heroes... I collapsed." Tears welled up in TJ's eyes, threatening to spill over as he relived the painful memory. "I felt so... so helpless, and so weak," he admitted, his voice choked with emotion. "Like I was drowning in a sea of darkness with no way out."

Dr. Rossi reached across the table, placing a comforting hand on TJ's arm. "I understand feeling helpless,talk me through the weak part."

TJ shook his head, "These were men I had served with, men and women from over centuries who gave their lives for what they believed in. Heroes. Then here I am, collapsed on the ground because of memories. Not being shot, blown up, beaten. Fucking memories."

Emily smiled softly, "Sergeant Major, you have been blown up, you have been shot, you were beaten. What makes your heroism different from theirs? Just because their injuries killed them and yours left you with brutal scars on your soul and your body?"

TJ had a sorrowful smile, "I thought we put away Lieutenant Commander and Sergeant Major."

The doctor smiled, "I think the warrior needed to hear that as much as the man did. TJ, the man felt helpless - The warrior, the one they called Ghost, felt weak."

TJ took a deep breath, "That was not in my files, ma'am."

r. Rossi pinched her fingers together like the full blooded Italian that she was, "Hey, whaddabout it? I know a guy."

TJ shook his head, "You did your homework, I'm impressed."

Emily patted his hand, "TJ, I'm so sorry you had to go through that, TJ," she murmured, her voice filled with genuine empathy. "Not just at Arlington, but all of it. I'm not sure we fully understand how the hell of being thrown into chaotic trauma impacts us long term. Military, cops, firefighters, medics, trauma folks in Emergency Rooms. The constant exposure to all that folks like you were exposed to changes people."

TJ nodded, his shoulders trembling with the weight of his emotions. "Thank you, Doc," he whispered, his voice barely audible over the pounding of his heart. "I wish I could say more than thank you."

Dr. Rossi offered him a reassuring smile, her eyes filled with unwavering determination. "You don't have to thank me, TJ," she insisted. "Next time I'll let you buy my beer."

TJ's eyebrow went up, "Next time?"

Emily Rossi stood from the table, "Yeah, next time. I'm going to check in from time to time just to make sure you are okay. The world needs you TJ - more than you can imagine."

On Monday, TJ returned to the Pelican offices, it felt good to be back in the place that he was helping to build, around the staff that he had recruited - and honestly, had fucked.

Seated at the head of the long mahogany table, TJ found himself surrounded by the faces of his colleagues, a motley crew of operatives and analysts. His eyes slowly went around the table. Gretchen sat to his left, her gaze piercing as she studied him with a mixture of love and worry. Allen, his friend, and the financier of all of this was at her left. To TJ's right sat Admiral Barnett. Next to the Admiral was Davey Thompson.

Rebecca, Aisha, Ana, Kasis, Olivia, and Madison completed the ensemble, their images almost a blur of faces and names in TJ's mind as he struggled to make sense of the surreal tableau before him.

With a heavy sigh, TJ began, "I need to put all of my cards on the table. You know about the hospitalization, what you may not know is the why." TJ went on to recount the events of the past few days, his voice steady as he described the panic attack at Arlington, the hospitalization that followed, his meeting with Dr. Rossi, and his tentative plans for recovery. He spoke of the darkness that had consumed him, the demons that haunted his every waking moment, and the desperate longing for redemption that burned within his soul.

When TJ finished he waited, for what seemed to be eternity as the room sayed silent. Finally Gretchen spoke, her concerns for her cousin etched on her face, "TJ, I'm not gonna lie, you scared the shit out of us. You are the heartbeat of this place, without you none of this happens." She took a deep breath, "I don't want to speak for anyone else, but for me, fuck this place if it's going to kill you. Fuck the merger, fuck Pelican, fuck all of it. To me, and I know this sounds harsh to the soldiers in this room, but fuck national security if it's going to kill you."

She paused, prepared for any of the former military folks to respond. When none did she went on, "The bottom line is that you need time to heal, to focus on your recovery without the distractions of the job."

Allen nodded in agreement, his expression sober as he considered TJ's words. "I hate to admit it, but she's right, TJ," he conceded reluctantly. "You need to take some time for yourself, to regroup and recharge before diving back into the fray. Everybody in this room thinks you are Superman, but even Superman had his kryptonite."

TJ managed a small smile, "I hate Superman, I'm Batman."

The room chuckled softly as Allen went on, "Fine, Batman, but even Batman was haunted by his past - that may be an even more apt analogy. Even Batman took a break when the weight of Gotham crushed his soul."

The Admiral's gaze softened, a rare display of compassion in the face of adversity. "We care about you, son," he murmured, his voice gruff with emotion. "And we want what's best for you, even if it means taking a step back for a while."

But it was Davey Thompson, the CEO of SSG, who was the new business partner of Pelican cut through the tension. "I've arranged for you to spend three weeks at an all-inclusive resort in Palm Springs, California," he announced, his tone leaving no room for argument. "Consider it a mandatory vacation, on orders from your board of directors," he paused, "and your friends."

TJ's protests fell on deaf ears as his colleagues rallied around him, their determination unwavering in the face of his stubbornness. As he begrudgingly accepted their decision, he couldn't help but feel a glimmer of hope flicker within him, a whisper of possibility amidst the chaos.

For most of his life Gray had considered many of the relationships around him to be transactional. People said they loved him, but more often than not what they really meant was that they loved what he did for them. He knew the reality of that when he enlisted, with every promotion, with every deployment that he was simply the right weapon to send into a situation and that if something happened to him people would say wonderful things about him at his funeral, but the missions would continue with the 'next man up' mentality.

To be in a room of people that were more concerned about his well being than what he brought to the table was something new - something he would have to reflect on not only while in Palm Springs, but for a long time to follow.

As the meeting concluded, Davey Thompson, in a foreshadowing of things to come, dismissed the team. As the team departed, Davey, Gretchen, and Allen remained behind.

Gretchen, with her sharp gaze fixed on Ana, gestured for her to stay. Ana felt a shiver run down her spine as she remained rooted to the spot. There was something about Gretchen's dominance that caused her to almost cum when she was given an order.

Once the room emptied, Ana approached Gretchen and Davey cautiously. Their solemn expressions hinted at something significant about to unfold. Ana's heart raced with anticipation as she knelt, which caused Davey's eyebrow to raise, "Yes, Ma'am," Ana whispered

"You'll be accompanying TJ to Palm Springs," Gretchen announced without preamble, "your orders remain unchanged,"Gretchen's voice was firm and concise, it resonated with the full authority of her office and power.

Ana swallowed and lowered her gaze, "I understand, Ma'am."

Gretchen leaned in closer, her voice dropping to a whispered growl that sounded much like her cousin's. "Take care of your Master in every way," she instructed, her words laden with meaning. Ana's breath caught in her throat.

Ana felt her nipples harden beneath her silken bodice and her saree. Gray had forbidden her to wear a bra at the office, only the silken bodice. "Yes, Ma'am. I understand.".

"And if things get too ugly," Davey interjected, his tone unwavering, "call us. We'll send the cavalry."

Ana kept her eyes down, from the beginning deep in her core she saw Davey Thompson for what he was, a Master, "Yes, Sir - this girl understands, Sir."

The subtle difference of first and third person was not lost on Davey or Gretchen. Davey nodded, "Good girl, now go and help your Master get packed, Allen will have the plane waiting for you by dinner time tonight."

Ana's heart raced with desire after her conversation with Gretchen and Davey. She followed her Master into the house, prepared to fulfill her instructions to the letter.

Once inside, Ana looked at TJ, "Master, you sit and relax and I will pack for both of us if you give me instruction.

TJ was perfectly capable of packing for himself but the exhaustion of the last few weeks made him grateful for her assistance, "Thank you, Ana," he nodded.

Ana moved to where TJ sat and knelt at his feet, "Master, may I speak freely?"

TJ absently rubbed her hair as she laid her head on his thigh. "Always, my pet."

Ana sighed, "It's not this girl's place to do anything other than serve her Master. However, I want to echo what Ms. Foster said today, "You scared me, and though I am your slave, I have no official relation to get news from the hospital. I had to rely on your cousin. I think she may have gotten tired of me asking about you."

TJ smiled, "When do we leave?"

Ana sighed, "Mr. Babin will have the plane ready for us at 1700 hours."