The Great National Barbecue

"You are a hard man to find, Mr. Elkins."

"Not really. I might have been difficult to locate but not hard to find if you looked in the right place."

The gray-haired man frowned and replied, "That makes no sense at all."

"Oh, it would if you lived in the real world. I told a dozen people that I was taking my boat for a Great Loop trip. That means you could have easily known where I was. The specific place I was on any given day would have been more difficult to determine however."

"Were you aware that we were looking for you and wanted to talk with you?"

"I saw on the news a lot of bluster with me being mentioned as the possible center of attention. However, since no one here believes what they hear on the media, why should I?"

"You aren't that naïve; you knew damn well we wanted your testimony and you evaded all requests for you to appear."

"I am here of my own free will but we both know that you don't want to hear what I have to say because too many important people will be embarrassed if I tell the truth. The rest of you will be embarrassed if I don't. You aren't that naïve to not know that I am right."

"I get the feeling that you are not going to be a cooperative witness."

"Your feeling would be incorrect. I will cooperate but that isn't what you really want. You want me to confirm or validate what you choose believe; if I don't, you will look for ways to discredit me and my testimony. Either way, one side is going to leave the hearing smiling while the other side will want to barbecue my ass, and I will look like an idiot. So, how do you suggest I cooperate with that hanging over my head?"

The gray-haired man stared with dispassionate eyes at the younger man sitting across from him as he tried to formulate a reasonable reply. He could find none. In his best professional demeanor, he did what political people always did; he changed the subject. "You will be in the hearing room at 10 tomorrow morning. Tomorrow will be a preliminary interview to clarify a number of points that remain unclear. The important testimony will begin the following day and we expect you to cooperate fully and honestly. Do you understand?"

"I understand but have one question and a request. The question is, do I need to wear a coat and tie?"

"That would be desirable."

"Then I need to go shopping. All of my dress shirts, ties, and stuff are in storage. As for my request, tell your minions that I will answer their questions about facts but I will not answer any question that requires an opinion. I will not play that stupid game. Unless you have something else, I am going shopping." The younger man stood and after insuring that there was nothing else to be said, he left.

The following morning, he arrived promptly at 10:00 AM and took his seat at the witness table. Besides the security guards, there were only four others in the room and they were all young, well-dressed men with the look of ambitious career climbers painted across their freshly scrubbed faces. He recognized the look. The unwritten rule was to always be prepared when the cameras might be on. One short bit on the news with your face prominently shown elevated you to a higher status on the social ladder. Unfortunately for them, the man named Elkins knew that it was a fantasy even if the idea had stuck around for years.

In spite of his cool exterior, Elkins knew that once this process began, the only loser would be himself; he had seen it before several times. His only saving grace was that he had carefully taken care of his affairs and that he only had to survive the process for a day or two. Even in the current political climate, people who testified before Congress were usually vilified but not yet executed. Knowing that gave him the confidence to face whatever happened.

Promptly at 10:30 the gray-haired man entered followed by two highly recognizable men; one from each party. The four underlings promptly pulled chairs out and filled glasses of water. Elkins carefully examined each of the three principals to see if there were any visible signs to be concerned about. The grey-haired man was impassive as lawyers usually are. The taller of the other two men had a serious look on his face while the shorter one had the look of a sadist at an execution. Elkins immediately decided to answer all of the shorter man's questions with one or two word answers.

The taller man rapped a gavel and called the meeting to order, which was the signal for the grey-haired man to speak first. "This is a preliminary hearing to confirm several details that are not directly relevant to the testimony beginning tomorrow. However, Mr. Elkins, you are considered to be under oath and we expect all answers to be forthright and honest. Do you understand?"

"I have no reason to be anything other than forthright and honest."

"Excellent. Senator Blevins, if you would begin?"

"Thank you, Counselor. Mr. Elkins, tomorrow we will be asking questions specifically relating to Global Investments. Today however, we only wish to clarify and confirm some details relating to your career and to ensure that we are talking to the proper person. You are Jeremy Elkins?"

"That is correct."

"You formerly worked for the government in what agency? There seems to be some confusion on that issue."

"That is understandable. Frankly, I am not absolutely certain which agency I was employed by."

Both the grey-haired man and the Senator raised their eyebrows while the other man was tapping on his tablet. "Please explain your answer. That certainly adds to the confusion we are trying to address today."

"I was hired in 2001 as a junior data analyst in the Agriculture Department. Over the next six years, I was promoted from the junior level to senior analyst before being named head of the Ag-Eco Section. For some reason, the Department loaned me out regularly to other Departments when they had a need. As far as I know, I am still registered with the Agriculture Department but I have been assigned to almost every other Department at some time or another."

"That is highly irregular, don't you think?"

"As I was told early in my career, I am not paid to think only to do what I was told. I always got a pay check so I assume that the mechanics got worked out somehow."

The tablet user spoke up, "He is listed as 'voluntary retired, State Department.' Does that sound right, Mr. Elkins?"

"No."

"For what reason?"

Elkins remained silent until the Senator asked, "Mr. Elkins, would you explain why this sounds incorrect?"

"I can't say about the State Department. The only time that I know that I worked for them was over five years ago. Most recently I was working on data for the Department of the Interior."

The grey-haired man interrupted. "Excuse me for butting in but something is very irregular here. Mr. Elkins, didn't you know who you were working for on each project?"

"Not always. I could figure it out sometimes but at other times, I was just given a data set to analyze. Usually, I worked at my regular desk at the Ag Department. On a few bigger projects, I worked at the data center. These usually lasted several months."

"How did you figure out what department you were working for? This almost sounds like something out of a spy novel."

"It isn't that devious really. I specialize in evaluating economic data. At the Ag Department, we usually did an annual update when the crop reports came in. With time on my hands between these efforts, they would loan me to others who needed my expertise. When the data were domestic and related to the government, I figured that it must be for Interior or whatever. When all of the data was international, it was probably for State or Commerce. Five years ago, one was definitely for State because it was accessible only through their network."

The grey-haired man replied, "That is still a little informal from an administrative point of view but perhaps acceptable. But you did know that you retired voluntarily from some department. Correct?"

"No."

The grey-haired man rolled his eyes again and asked, "Now, please explain this."

"I didn't voluntarily retire from anywhere. I guess the simplest explanation is that I got fired."

The tablet king popped off, "That's great. We need his testimony and we get a fired analyst. The press will have a field day with this. Why did you get fired?"

Elkins shrugged his shoulders, "No idea."

The grey-haired man added with a tone of concern, "Mr. Elkins, let's back up a moment. Did you turn in a retirement request?"

"No."

"Then how did this 'voluntary retirement' report show up on the personnel records?"

"I am an analyst, not a fortune teller. You will have to ask the guy who fired me."

"And who was that?"

"I don't know. He didn't identify himself and I had never seen him before. He and two security guards came to my desk one day and told me that my retirement request had been approved and for me to clear out my desk. Then they escorted me out of the building."

"Didn't you ask any questions?"

"This is Washington D.C. Rule one for underlings is to keep your mouth shut and don't ask any questions. I left."

The Senator looked concerned and asked, "Did you tell anyone what happened?"

"No. I went home, took a day to think things through, and then put my things in storage."

Cautiously, the senior man asked, "What did you decide to do?"

"I decided to take my boat on a Great Loop tour. I have always wanted to do that."

Six eyes just stared at Elkins blankly. Finally, the grey-haired one asked, "You say that you were fired but the record says that you retired. Why would someone want you gone but give you a misleading retirement report?"

"I have no opinion on that. Another thing you learn early on in this city is that nothing is what it appears to be and therefore, you should never be surprised at anything."

The Senator replied, "That is a cynical way of looking at the important work the government is doing, don't you think?"

"At your level, it probably is; at my level, it is necessary to survive."

The grey-haired man thought for a moment and then added, "I think that we need to find out some more about this before tomorrow. I will pay a visit to the personnel records office and see what I can find."

Elkins replied as he pulled a file from his briefcase, "Here is the file with my copy of my evaluations for the past fifteen years. Maybe that will help. Is that all for today?"

The grey-haired man was busily thumbing through the file while the tablet addict replied, "I'm not sure that Mr. Elkins will prove to be a credible witness. We don't want this to turn into another PR disaster."

Elkins interjected, "Excuse me for a moment. You said that this was about Global Investments. I have never heard of them nor done any work related to them that I know of. I have no idea what I can contribute to whatever you are looking at. Can I leave now?"

Tablet man looked astonished, "You mean you haven't been paying attention to what has been going on around here for the past three months?"

"As a matter of fact, I haven't. I have been concerned with the tide tables and weather reports. Those are the only important things that concern you when you are on the water. The salt water is therapeutic for the wounded soul."

He grey-haired man said, "Mr. Elkins, your file contains glowing reports but it also says that you turned down two promotions. Why did you do that?"

"Simple. I love what I am...was doing. I love to look at the numbers and read the story they are telling me. If I accepted those promotions, I would become a political juggler rather than a data analyst. So, I turned them down. Can I leave now?"

The grey-haired man thought for a moment and replied in his professional voice, "We need your testimony but based on everything that has come up today, it may be a couple of days before we will get to you and your story. Be here at 10 again tomorrow and I will have my assistant stay with you and walk you through the process. Thank you for today. Believe it or not, you have been helpful. You may go."

Both the Senator and the tablet junkie looked surprised at this turn of events. Elkins simply rose and left by the front door. He actually felt fairly good. He was expecting a lot more finger pointing and argumentative banter.

The next morning, he arrived at the meeting room at 10:00 again. He had enjoyed a nice crab dinner with several beers at a restaurant near his boat berth and had slept well in his bunk. Unfortunately, he had woken later than he wanted and had forgone breakfast. His stomach was reminding him of that fact as he waited patiently again. Fifteen minutes later, a young woman sat down next to him and asked, "Mr. Elkins?"

"Yes." He looked at her for the first time and found that she was pretty as he expected she would be but that she also had a very winning smile.

"Good. I am Jennifer Smith, an assistant to the committee. I was asked to be your guide through the rest of this week. Would you like to walk down to the commissary and have some coffee? I have a couple of questions I need to ask you."

"I would love to join you as long as you don't mind if I have breakfast. I kind of skipped it this morning."

She smiled her winning smile and replied, "As long as you don't mind me joining you. I was called in this morning at seven and didn't get a chance to eat either."

"Then Miss Jennifer Smith, would you rather skip the commissary for a better breakfast?"

"I would prefer that but we shouldn't leave. They will probably start around eleven."

Elkins rolling his eyes and replied, "Typical Washington; be here on time but we will take our own sweet time getting started."

She grinned but refused to acknowledge that he was right. They walked to the Commissary and each ordered SOS with coffee.

Elkins asked, "Navy?"

"My father is at the Pentagon. This is ok but I think I make better."

Elkins grinned, "I think I make better too. Maybe we should have a cook off and see who wins."

"If we are going to have a cook off, let's do something other than SOS. What is your best dish?"

"Day-in, day-out, it is probably ribs. But if I have a good kitchen, I make a mean Steak Diane."

"We can cook-off on the ribs but only after you make me Steak Diane. I loved it when my mother made it for us but now all I get around here is basically crap."

"You name the time and place. So, what do you need to ask me about? That seems to be the number one priority today."

"Ah yes." She pulled a sheet from a file folder. "Do you recognize this?"

He read the terse five-line letter accepting his resignation and then looked closely at the signature.

"No, I have not seen this before and no, that isn't my signature."

"Are you sure?"

"I spent a long time in college trying to find a signature that I liked. As a result, my formal signature for all legal things is Jeremy T Elkins with no dot after the 'T'. I thought that it looked more professional. And the spacing is a little off. At first glance, it does appear to be mine. Here is my signature on the rental contract for the docking space for a week. By the way, do you think this will be over in this week? If not, I need to move my boat; it is too expensive to stay there for long."

"Didn't you get the check and hotel voucher they sent you?"

"I have been sailing for three months. The last time I got any mail was a month ago when I flew home to visit my Dad. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. They assumed that you got it and are staying in a hotel with meal money. Where are you keeping your boat and what kind of boat do you have?"

"It is a 38-footer and it is docked near the Navy Yard. The only dock available was for a 60-foot sailboat; so, it costs twice as much as I need."

"Must be a nice boat but you did pick the most expensive marina in the area. Hopefully, you will be finished within a week. If not, there are a couple of others that are good and more reasonable."

"I guess that the big issue is transportation. I can catch a bus there and be here quickly. If it across the river, then that could be a problem."

"We'll deal with that if it comes up. Now, take a look at this report. Is this your work?"

Jeremy quickly leafed through the multi-page document before spending several minutes reading the last pages. Then he gave his summary. "I can't verify the numbers in the spreadsheet without double checking them but they appear to be correct at first glance. The analysis section appears to be as I wrote it. The last three pages are not my work, however."

"Really!"

"That wouldn't be unusual. I never write conclusions or make recommendations based on the data I analyzed. Anything after the discussion section isn't mine."

"Why don't you write the summary or the recommendation section?"

Jeremy eyed her closely for a minute before he answered slowly. "When I first started working for the government, my boss told me that the secret to having a long and successful career in government was to never be blatantly wrong or inconveniently right. I listened but didn't actually understand what he meant. A couple of months later, I did an analysis of some Agriculture Department data and was asked to preview it for the representative who headed the Agriculture Committee. I sweated bullets over the presentation and was really prepared. I gave the presentation as the representative listened and watched. When it was over, all he said was 'Lose the conclusion and recommendation sections. When I want your opinion, I will tell you what it is.' Then he walked out. I have never written a recommendation or conclusion since."

She seemed startled to hear this bit of history. "Doesn't it bother you that you do all of that work and then can't make at least some suggestions?"

He bowed his head before he replied, "It used to. I was even thinking about quitting and finding a corporate job. But then I realized that here, logical conclusions are meaningless. All that they look for is political expediency. I decided that the best thing was to just insure that they had the most accurate analysis I could offer. If it turned out that they used it incorrectly, that was their problem, not mine. It must have been a decent decision because I lasted for almost 15 years before I got dumped on. That's pretty good, I think."

"You said that you couldn't verify the data in this report without checking it. How would you do that?"

"I would compare it to my final data set. If it is the same, then I would verify it. If not, then I would say that it had been changed or altered."

"How would you do that? Do you have access to the computer system?"

"Of course not; they locked me out before I left the building that day. But I had learned to cover my ass in everything. I have a log of every analysis I did along with the final report and data set. I can compare the two and show you what I sent as the final data set."

"Oops. We need to get back in there in case something is going to happen today. Where... uh...Do you have access to your final data set?"

"Yes." He stood up without saying anything more and they returned to the hearing room.

The grey-haired man was waiting by the door for them. He first looked at the young girl who shrugged her shoulders at him. Then he turned to Jeremy. "Has Jennifer taken good care of you, Mr. Elkins?"

"Yes, sir but it will probably mean that I have to make her a dinner when this is all over."

It was the grey-haired man's turn to look surprised as he turned back to the young woman. She replied, "He claims to make the best Steak Diane around. So, he has to prove it to me."

"Ah, I see. I need to have a couple of words with Jennifer before we go in. Have a seat for a few minutes, Jeremy." He took the young woman's arm and walked her around the corner into an alcove.