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Click here- COMMENTS
Ziedrichabout 8 years agoAuthorThanks for your advice about the story. As it happens, I actually had noticed a lot of those issues myself and submitted an edit a month or so ago which should fix most of them. Somehow or other though the edited version never showed up, so I'm trying to fix that now.
Anonymousabout 8 years agoA few technical issues: This story has an archaic-sounding formality and words like "abs", "Red-hot"(referring to a woman) and "shut-eye" sound modern and are jarring in this setting.
There are many punctuation errors.
"He was only a year or so older than me." and "Just a few years older than me." Poor grammar. Should be "than I." Numbers (unless addresses, years etc) should be written out - eighteen, six, etc.
"Arselin?" Your choice of course, but I wonder what people call her for short? "Arse?"
Ziedrichover 8 years agoAuthorI'm glad you liked the story so much. Don't worry, I've been working on the next chapter (and planning all the others) for a couple of weeks now. It will probably be finished in a couple of days.
Anonymousover 8 years agoare that you waited so long to share it with us and that you've written just the one story. There's nothing that can be done about the first problem, but you could get to work on correcting the second.
Anonymousover 8 years agoYou did a good job of balancing character development without being verbose. You started the world description with it being woven into the story, not as a tack-on. You created and resolved tension in this installment while leaving enough that I am looking forward to the next chapter. And there wasn't enough mangled English and bad spelling to distract me from the story.
Well done.
