The Honeymoon Pt. 04-05

I called Jennie. If there's something that needs to be known, Jennie knows it.

Me: "JENNIE!! WHAT THE FUCK!!"

Jennie (already knowing the purpose of my call): "Yes. It's true."

Me: "Why wasn't I told before?"

Jennie: "Did they need your permission? They're both grown."

Me: "Jennie, it's not what we do!!"

Jennie: "Apparently it IS what some of us do."

Me: "OK. Let me calm down. I know you know all the details. Pungle."

Jennie: "Why don't you ask them? I'm no snitch."

Me: "Jennie, this is one time where I need to know ALL the details. Artie and Terry are just going to tell me what they want me to know. Apparently, someone else is involved here. Cynthia is ragging me about it."

Jennie (sighing): "Yeh, I know. OK. So this is just between me and you. Not me and you and your wife. Deal?"

Me: "Deal."

Jennie: "OK. Terry has been jonesing for Artie since Krimson and Kreme Ball, freshman year. She was always afraid that if she said anything it would mess up their friendship. Artie has been jonesing for Terry, but wouldn't say so for the same reason. Terry finally dredged up the nerve to tell him how she felt at your wedding reception. She was afraid that Cynthia's friend Lisa would sweep Artie up and she would never get her chance."

Me: "Why is this the first I'm hearing of this?"

Jennie: "Refer to my earlier statement about them being grown."

Me: "You knew this all along?"

Jennie: "Yep."

Me: "Did they...ummm....did they...."

Jennie: "Did they fuck?"

Me: "Yes."

Jennie: "Yes. They did."

Me: "Oh, man. Lisa is seriously fucked up over this."

Jennie: "It can't be helped."

Me: "You know, I called Artie. He's in Dallas. With Terry."

Jennie: "I know."

Me: "Is there anything you don't know?"

Jennie: "Nope."

I called Artie back.

Me: "Dude! What the fuck!!!"

Artie: "Excuse me? Is there a "Congratulations" or an "It's about time" somewhere hidden in that "What the fuck!"?"

Me: "Why didn't you tell me?"

Artie: "I...WE were going to tell everybody. We're not on the down low."

Me: "What about Lisa, Artie?"

Artie: "I had to make a choice, dawg."

Me: "Cynthia says Lisa told her that Terry fucked you on the down low at the reception. And you got busted."

Artie: "Well...that is what happened. But it sounds bad when you say it like that."

Me: "I thought you and Lisa made a pretty good looking couple."

Artie: "Not anymore."

Me: "Lemme talk to Terry."

Artie: "OK, hold on. Terry! Phone."

Terry: "Hello?"

Me: "Terry. What the fuck!!"

Terry: "Thank you, Kev. I appreciate your support."

Me: "I...I'm sorry, Terry. I'm happy for you. Why didn't you tell me?"

Terry: "I'm telling you now. Artie is my man. And we're going to be a couple going forward."

Me: "Dang! It's like dat?"

Terry (quoting Ric Flair): "It's the BEST...THING...GOIN'...TUH-DAY!!"

I laughed. We often used that quote to emphasize a point. Terry was a big wrestling fan.

What could I do? These were my boyz. I had to go back to my wife and tell her the new state of play. Artie and Terry were an item. They were now and would continue to be in our orbit. We would be seeing them regularly. There might even be instances where Terry and Lisa attended the same events with us.

Cynthia: "I don't like bitches that do shit like that. I don't want the bitch around me."

Me: "I told you about The Fellas long before we got married. I don't tell you which friends to have. These are my dawgs, ride or die."

Cynthia: "You forced that girl on me. If she hadn't been in the wedding, she wouldn't have had the opportunity to steal Lisa's boyfriend."

Me: "That's bullshit. She would have come to the wedding even if you hadn't asked her to be a bridesmaid."

Cynthia: "I don't want her around me, Kev. If she comes to Pittsburgh, she stays in a hotel. She doesn't visit our house. If you want to see her, you go to her hotel."

Me: "That's bullshit, too, Cynthia. If she comes here, she's coming here with Artie. BOTH of them are welcome in MY home. You just have to suck it up."

Cynthia: "I ain't gotta do SHIT. I GOT a home. How about this: You stay in YOUR home and I'll stay in MINE."

It was our first real argument as a married couple. Refer to my earlier comment about getting involved in bitch shit. You see how it blows up into something else? Two days ago my wife and I were all lovey dovey on a beach in Aruba. Now we're living separately. I wasn't having it.

Me: "NO. Fuck dat, MRS. SIMPSON. You live at MY house. My house is OUR house. We'll deal with visitors on a case by case basis."

You know women like it when men man up. Cynthia gave me her "Fuck you, nigga" face. But she poked her lips out, crossed her arms and shut the fuck up. We drove home in silence.

Now, I'd only met Lisa and Nicole a few times. They'd come to Pittsburgh a couple times before Cynthia and I married. We'd visited them in Seattle. I liked them. They were smart. They were fun. I figured the best way to go about fixing things was to approach Lisa directly. I decided to call her.

Me: "Lisa? Hey. It's Kevon."

Lisa: "Hi Kev!"

Me: "Lisa, Cynthia told me about this thing with you and Artie and Teralynn."

Lisa: "Yeh."

Me: "You know me and Artie and Terry are boyz. Ride or die."

Lisa: "I know."

Me: "Lisa, Cynthia is freaking out over this. You and her are ride or die. She and I are ride or die. Me and Terry are ride or die. It looks like somebody is gon' die here. Cynthia is saying Terry isn't welcome in our home."

Lisa: "I'm sorry about that, Kev. I didn't mean to get in between you and your wife."

Me: "I'm just concerned about the possibility of all of us getting together at some point in the future--Christmas or a funeral or the birth of a child. You and Nikki will be here. So will Artie and Terry."

Lisa: "Kev, I'll get over it. I'll wish them well."

Me: "It's not you I'm worried about. I think Cynthia is going to go into full cunt mode over this."

Lisa: "Don't call her a cunt."

Me: "I didn't call her a cunt. I said she'd go full cunt mode. You know how she is. She'll pretend to be OK with Terry being around at first. And then, as time goes on, she'll snap and say something fucked up. You've seen her do it."

Lisa: "Yeh, I know. Kev, that's how she is. I can't do anything about that."

Me: "Lisa, Terry's not going to go for that. Terry is a baller. She'll slap the shit out of Cynthia. And then I've got to step in. I can't let anybody slap my wife."

Lisa: "What do you want me to do?"

Me: "Can you...can you kinda tone down the anti-Terry rhetoric when you're talking on the phone with Cynthia? That would help."

Lisa: "I'm sorry, Kev. But that's how I feel. I don't like the bitch. She took my man."

Me: "I know, I know. If it's any consolation, the two of them had been holding torches for each other for a long time. They just told each other about it at the wedding."

Lisa: "I don't care, Kev. What she did was wrong."

Me: "I just...well...can you not gin Cynthia up about this? I trust you to be a grown-up when Terry is around. I don't trust Cynt. She's got that "I'm a SISTAH" thing going on. If she and Terry get into a fight, Terry is going to win."

Lisa: "Not if me and Nikki are there."

Me: "Aww, shit. All three of you are crazy as fuck."

Lisa: "Kev, I'll try. Just...just warn me if and when she's going to be there."

Me: "OK. I'll do that."

It wasn't a full peace treaty. But it was better than nothing. I went back to my wife and tried to chill her out.