The Horny Geek Club Pt. 04

"Yeah, something like that."

He grimaced, just a little, but I could see it.

"Was inevitable at some stage. Guess you can't compartmentalise your life if you are in love." Compartmentalise? Like put people in boxes, you mean.

We sat in silence for a bit.

"Do you love him?" He asked. I was a bit taken aback. Did not see that coming. Could we just each risotto, drink this delicious wine and watch Ozark?

"Think so."

"Have you told him?"

"You soft in the head, Martin? What is with you? Anyway, no point - it's the end of term. Sh...He is going away soon."

"Oh...That sucks."

"Yup."

"Listen. There is something I need to say. Please, just let me, okay?"

"Sure, weirdo..."

"You know I love you, Sally." He was looking right at me. I didn't. If I'd thought about it, I might have got there, but he was a client, or a Netflix buddy or whatever he was. I certainly wasn't wandering about thinking how he felt.

"Martin, no, wow, you're freaking me a bit."

"Sorry about that, but I probably won't see you again and I cannot let myself live without telling the first girl that I ever fell in love with, I mean properly in love with how I feel."

I was a bit stunned. I just stared at him.

"I have felt fucking horrible that I paid you for...you know..."

"Sucking your cock each week?" I helpfully reminded him.

"Yeah. Sorry. So sorry..." he was losing his thread a little.

"But you see, I think you are amazing absolutely amazing. You are so clever and intelligent..."

"Clever and intelligent? Nice." He went on undeterred.

"...and strong and funny and irritating and fucking hot. I admire you. I love how you talk and how you laugh and how you smell and how you take no shit. I love the way you try and guess what's going to happen in Ozark and always get it wrong. You amaze me, Sally, and I fell in love with you. There I've said it."

"Wow." Again. Not remotely the person I wanted a declaration of love from.

"Maybe you aren't that clever or intelligent, though, if you couldn't see it." He smiled.

I punched him arm.

"So, I had to tell you because, if you don't tell someone and they go, you will never know if they would say it back. You'll never know. And you are now going."

"I don't by the way. Let's just get that loose end cleared up."

"I fucking know that Sal and it breaks my heart that you never could. But... I'm trying to help. Don't be stupid and tell this guy that you love him before it's too late. Especially if he's buggering off for the summer. I don't like saying it, but that is what you need to do."

"You are telling me this, why?"

"'If you love somebody, set them free' as that utter tosspot Sting would say."

I put my hand on his.

"Thank you, Martin. I mean that. Now can we stop fucking talking about this uncomfortable shit and go watch some Ozark? I think the crazy lawyer bitch is going to cause some trouble."

He looked at me.

"That's what crazy lawyer bitches do."

I walked back from Martin's with a nice Sancerre buzz and Angela on my mind (duh, obvs). Blue skies over Manchester for once and it was a handsome place in that late spring evening sunshine. The streets were full, and the city buzzed, people going out or just enjoying the weather.

I never thought that Martin had insight on relationships, but he was right. I felt confident for the first time that day. I would meet Angela on Monday (a million years away) and I would tell her that I loved her. She would tell me that she loved me too, that the payment was a mistake and then we would go back to her flat and have slow hot sex all afternoon. What happened after that would happen, but future Sally would not fuck this up. I trusted her.

I got back to the flat and my mum (sorry, Alli) was waiting for me with her concerned face on. She wanted to know how I was doing, and why I'd taken so long.

I told her about what Martin said.

"You know, for a pimping wanker, he is right."

Saturday was done. It was a long day, a very hard day. A lot had changed. I ran through the anticipated Costa meet in my head. I played every scenario I could think of over and over. I couldn't understand why she was so cold on the phone; I couldn't get what had happened. What if she doesn't even come. That felt like a real possibility.

I had never told anyone that I was in love with them. Ever. I had a boyfriend at the end of school I liked a lot. I got nervous when I met him, and even found the annoying things he did cute. He told me he loved me one day in Nando's and I froze. I've always felt that when you say it, it is out there, and it hangs in the air. You have left yourself open for an answer of "That's nice." Which is incidentally what I said to him. That complete shock may even be why I broke up with him. I don't even think I've had piri piri chicken since.

The conversation with Martin had freaked me. I was still unsure why I went round, and that whole declaration was just off the scale nuts. Everyone says I need to tell Angela how I feel. What if she doesn't feel the same way? I'll just look like a proper chump. It's not looking great. Easier to let it slide.

I lay awake for hours. I discovered that 2 am is not the time to try and reconcile your love life. By then I reckoned she hated me and thought I was trash. At 2.30 we were a perfect match and by three she wasn't even turning up.

Sunday was another long day.

It was the day for the resolution of the Neil part of my problems. In one way that was straightforward. It's not like I hadn't dumped a guy before. In another way it was hard, because he was super nice and had done nothing at all wrong, other than not be Angela. I suggested we meet for lunch and I think he knew that I was calling time. We only ever met to fuck and that wasn't going to happen in Piccolino on Clarence Street. I lied to him. I didn't say there was anyone else. I certainly didn't say I had a sex biz thing going on, which I'd now given up. I put it down to the course, going back to Surrey and despite an immense physical attraction and unbelievable sex (gotta give the guy something, and frankly that bit wasn't a lie at all); I just didn't see a future. I hoped I could just end the lies there, with one that was done for the right reasons to a good person.

He took it well. He would, wouldn't he? Didn't see a future in being friends, which I understood. He was nice, but a bit sad. The classy rejected lover. Did he really have to be just so fucking perfect? It was like stabbing a puppy.

Alli wasn't letting me out of her sight in the afternoon and drowned me in positivity. We watched a stream of romantic comedy movies, which all seemed to have pretty much the same plot. All Alli's choice. I think she considered them as training videos for me. In each one there is the pivotal scene where one of the star-crossed lovers, the bloke, does a dramatic movie dash across town and makes an impassioned speech. Julia Roberts or Meg Ryan or whoever then crumples, and all is good. It passed the time sweetly enough, and frankly that was all I wanted to do. It made Alli happy.

I was just waiting for the chance to see Angela. It wasn't just about a chance to fix things, I just wanted to be around her, be close to her and talk. Hold her hand and watch her face. My mind was all over the place all day, and I wanted peace in her arms.

Monday.

Okay team Sally. Game time.

What to wear for this casual coffee was my opening challenge. If Angela had been a boy, I would have made sure that I was looking totally smoking hot and that would have been job done, but I had no idea what she would appreciate. Well, that is apart from me stripping slowly in front of her, and that was hardly appropriate for 11am in Costa Coffee. It was bittersweet to remember that first time. How turned on did I get as she watched me? Focus Sal.

I settled for casual comfort.

I was early. Of course. I played with my latte and watched the door. No, don't watch the door. Look casually at your phone. No, don't be texting, get a paper from the rack. Someone is coming in, is it...no. Still early.

Of course, when she did arrive (phew) I was watching the door. She quickly scanned the room, saw me, and bought a coffee. Her wait in the queue to get her coffee seemed to take an age. I rehearsed my speech again. We had an amazing connection, it felt real, we should try, I've given up the club. All good.

She sat.

"Hi."

"Hi Angela. Nice to see you."

Silence. Straightaway I was on the backfoot. Should we do small talk?

"All finished up?"

"Yes. I'm going to finish my dissertation back in Perth. My dad is collecting me tomorrow afternoon. I've been saying my goodbyes all weekend."

"okay."

"Listen, I'm really sorry Sally, but you wanted to talk? I've got to pack and sort out some uni admin stuff this afternoon. I mean, I can't stay long."

I took a deep breath, hoping that she couldn't see that I had taken a deep breath. I realised I was shit at this.

"I want to talk about you and me..." Stupid opening. I needed to get to my speech.

"There is no you and me..."

"Oh...but..." She stopped me.

"Sally, it was a transaction." She was speaking quietly, leaning forward. I leant in too. I could smell her; I could nearly just reach and kiss her. That was not going to happen from her end. I started shaking. I wanted to cry again, which just irritated the fuck out of me.

"A lovely transaction," first smile from her, and possibly a chink in her fortifications, "but that's all. It was fun. I scratched an itch. I'm not a lesbian. I told you." I just looked at her, she wasn't looking at me. My speech was in a mental wastepaper bin. I'd come to do the talking, but I was unable to say a single word. She leaned back again and continued driving the knife into my soul. She was looking at the counter.

"I mean, I like my boxes, and I liked the box for you. It was wonderful. But you know, I'm moving on, away and..." She had started with cold confidence but now her voice was weaker. She still didn't (couldn't?) look right at me. I was staring at her, transfixed that my movie had become horror.

"no...no... that's not right." I said, but there was nothing else, and that was shit. She looked at me now. Was she weakening? What is this?

"So, I have to, you know, focus on the future and that is away from here. Away from you." She had looked at me briefly, but then away again. She wasn't trying to convince me; she was trying to convince herself.

"It's not you, it's me." ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING? Did she just say that? She realised how that sounded and the mask dropped for a second as she smiled. Smile over. She was looking away from me again and I just wanted her to look at me. See me. See that I am the same girl who fell asleep in her arms.

I wanted to start the conversation again. This had gone badly south. Hit reset. I know it was all fucked up how we met, but we met, and couldn't we just even try? The connection was real. It was so real. The attraction was irresistible. Mutual. Intense. That's why she can't look at me - it will weaken her, and she will cave. You are amazing Angela and I want to make you happy, and I think you want to make me happy too. I FELT IT IN YOUR ARMS. LOOK AT ME, PLEASE.

I didn't say anything.

"I'd better go. Sorry."

If you love somebody, set them free.

She stood up and so did I. We hugged. It was awkward and, in that hug, I could smell her hair and feel her body. Was she shaking? Surely, she could smell me? Surely, she can feel my heart pounding? She held the hug a little longer than she needed to and then broke it too quickly. Was that a tear?

She turned quickly and left. If you love somebody set them free. Tosspot.

I wasn't going to cry in Costa. I was going to do that at home. I hated this and I was never going to fall in love again. This was fucking awful. Why make movies about something so needlessly unpleasant?

Alli and Sarah could see from my face when I got back that things had gone about as badly as they could have.

I gave them the headlines but was in no mood for any more analysis, talking things over or help. I wanted my bed. I was empty. I went to my room, was in bed by early evening and slept until 8am. Even then I didn't want to get up.

My phone rang. I grabbed it. Still I held on to the stupid hope that it would be her. Martin. What the fuck?

"Hello? Martin?"

"Hi Sally, sorry to call. I know you didn't expect to hear from me again, but I think I have something that might be a good thing for you."

Turns out it was good. Any other day I would have been delighted. His firm took on interns in the summer. There office in London was an easy commute from my mum, and better still this would mean part time work with them in Manchester the next academic year. Applications were closed, but they loved Martin and agreed to see me if I chucked in my CV. I would. Martin said his recommendation made it a done deal. I was grateful, but it didn't matter to me. If that problem had been solved a month before...

Just as he was going, he changed the subject.

"Hey, how did it go with you guy?"

"I followed your advice."

"Nice one. What did he say back?"

"He is a she, Martin." Silence. Breathing.

"Great!" Pause. I hoped he wasn't thinking too hard about that. "Are you good?" He sounded keen to know. Guilt, I guess.

"The other advice - the sting advice."

"But he's an utter tosspot. That's shit advice. What the fuck, Sal?"

"Gotta go. I'll get my CV over."

Yeah, so I spent the morning feeling sorry for myself. Angela was leaving forever later that day. I couldn't bear it. I only had myself to blame. I sat in the living room with Alli and Sarah. I opened up a bit more. I pretty much recounted the whole horrible conversation. It was fresh, and painful. I'd analysed every word for meaning.

"It was surreal, you know, it was like she was saying the words, but that's all they were. Just words. I don't know how she really feels, and I now never will."

"Does she know how you feel?" Asked Alli.

"No, I had to preserve some dignity."

"How's that working out for you there?" said Sarah.

"Not so great." I smiled thinly over at her.

"You know what. This is stupid. You are being stupid, and you are actually quite clever." I scowled. Could people stop saying that to me, please? "Let's see if I've got this. You went to tell her how you felt?"

"I couldn't..."

"Not finished. You went to tell her how you felt?" I nodded as churlishly as I could muster. "Ok. From your point of view the most important things was that she needed to know, so that you could get past the whole new lesbian pay for sex thing. Right? Then you could see how she felt about that. Right?"

"S'pose so." I wasn't wild about Sarah's terminology and I could feel Alli scowling at her.

"But..." she paused for effect. "You didn't? You had your speech all prepared I bet."

"Uh...huh..." Sarah was in full flow, sitting forward and now wagging her finger.

"So did she. Sounds like hers was utter bollocks by the way. 'It's not you, it's me'. Come on...? Who says that? You never said what course she did - I bet its maths or physics or massive science nerd shit."

"Engineering."

"Figures. Can I just say that you being a lesbo, and all is dead cool, but sleeping with engineers? Not cool, Sal. Not cool. Anyway. She had her little prepared speech. Think about that. She'd thought about it and she totally prepared to say what she wanted and get out of there. She got hers out and you didn't. It's all bullshit. 'It's not you it's me' For fuck sake." She picked up her magazine and flicked noisily.

I looked at Alli.

"Sarah's an insensitive idiot, but she's right." She said.

"There is nothing I can do about it now, is there?"

The magazine was hurled to the floor. Sarah was right on the edge of her seat, a strangely manic look in her eye.

"Have your movie moment, bitch! Get over and tell her before she goes. Make a total fool of yourself, bin your dignity! Or what few tattered shreds you have left." She sat back and smiled. She then spoke in a fake American movie voice over man type accent.

"A mad dash across New York into the arms of the girl she loves...When Angela met Sally" She made an arc with her hand to signify these words written on a poster or in the sky or whatever was in her head. Mental.

"Manchester" Said Alli. Sarah had her magazine up again.

"It's my film and in my head it's in New York."

I looked at my clearly insane friend and then at Alli. Alli nodded.

"Thanks guys, but I'm done." Alli stroked my arm. Sarah harrumphed and I went to my room.

I lay on my bed running the conversation through with her again. It didn't make sense. There was no connection between the girl in the red room with the candles and the girl in Costa Coffee. Different person. Or the same person, playing at being a different person. It was so far from reality; it couldn't be what she was thinking. Sarah was right, it was total and utter absolute bullshit. That could not possibly be my final memory of her. I had a massively stupid idea. I ran back into the living room.

"I'm going over. I'll have my movie moment. I have nothing to lose."

They both clapped. It was all surreal. At that point I had figured that everything was just so batshit crazy that one more piece of batshit crazy wouldn't hurt. Of course, I was destined to fail, but this time, this time I would fucking tell her that I was crazy and that I was crazy about her.

I looked at my phone. It was getting late. Her dad could arrive at any minute and I didn't remember anyone's dad being in the room when the big moment came in the movies. Time to go.

I didn't change, I didn't make myself look amazing, I didn't even fix my makeup. I just ran out the door and onto the street in jeans and t-shirt. I also didn't grab a jacket. That was a mistake. When I got to the street, I realised that a coat might just have been a decent idea. It was pouring. Didn't matter. Taxi time.

The thing about the rain is that everyone wants a taxi and I was bang out of luck. I started walking fast, then a bit of an awkward half run walk and then fast walking. All the way I was looking for a taxi. I finally got one about halfway to her flat. I was dripping. It was uncomfortable, but I did think my dishevelled look was perfect for Sarah's movie that I was now starring in. I think my adrenaline levels convinced me that was funny

We pulled up and I almost threw my money at the driver as I darted out. I ran to the door. I held my finger over the door entry buzzer.

You cannot do this. This is stupid. Not even clever stupid. Just go home. I stepped back.

There was a message on my phone. It was from Alli.

"Don't think about coming back here ever if you bottle it. Love Alii xx"

I pushed the button and gasped at myself as I did. Fuck. This is real

"Hello?" Male voice.

"Hi Robert, it's Sally here, you know, Angela's friend." I was sure that's all the context he still had.

"Yeah, come up. She's here - packing in her room."

I ran up the stairs two at a time. I slowed near the door. Half to catch my breath, and half because I was going to have to speak soon and bent double gasping is not a good look. Robert was at the door. He smiled a welcome. I was drenched. I was very aware that there was a sharpness in my boobs as my nipples were hard and cold, poking through my t-shirt. He noticed, of course.

"Hi Sally... oh, is it raining?"

I stopped my self at the point of sarcasm that his question so richly deserved.

"Yeah, it is."

"Manchester, huh?" He raised his eyes to acknowledge the common weather cross we all carried. "You know which one is her room?"

I nodded. I did indeed know her bedroom. The room where I had felt things I'd never know before. The room where I had felt delirious joy. The room where I had entwined my body and heart and soul with someone else. The room where I had been most exposed. The red walls and the candles. Yes, I knew her room.