The Internship

"Marcus, I haven't asked you and I don't particularly want to know where you've spent your previous weekends. Thinking of it for the first time now, you must be having sex with someone else ... too." Beth shook her head ruefully once more.

Marcus looked to the side, his pained peripheral squint at the coffee maker told a story, "What does that do to us?" He asked.

Beth thought about it and smiled, "Nothing." Her smile got brighter. She looked considerably relieved. Marcus felt things shift but didn't know to what. "Marcus, I think you're a great guy and I think we have, and hopefully could keep, a close friendship. But understand I am completely out of my depth with the physical relationship that's developed, because I never wanted it or expected it. I'm a girl that would never consider having two lovers, and certainly not at the same time!"

Marcus looked very confused; he stopped mentally preparing the coffee for a moment. "I think you're going to have to explain that to me." He knew Beth had her boyfriend and Marcus has just spent the night. So, what was she saying? His eyes popped open wide at her response to his expression.

Beth almost died of laughter, rueful laughter.

"Oh, I'm sure I see a lover as a person that you have sex with, but also usually a person that you're not going to make a lifelong commitment to. For example, you're not going to move in with the women you spend the weekend with. You're not actually looking forward to growing old with them. You're not going to have children with them, you're not going to be there by their bedside when they have a heart attack or cancer. Forgive me, but part of how you're so laid back is you don't make strong commitments.

"You like seeing those women, you take comfort from them and give it back in return. They do something that turns you on, you lust after them, you may even care about them in some ways. But what I've seen is that you don't have someone that you're emotionally tied to." Beth thought a little longer then added, "And the term lover often has a certain illicit hidden aspect to it."

Marcus smiled, "Okay, so I guess you're telling me I'm your lover..." He stopped as he watched his words make Beth go pale. "Let me back up. Why don't you tell me what you're telling me." He said trying not to look too bewildered. He chanced a longing glance back at the coffee mugs. They were full. They were steaming hot. And they called out wanting to help him sort through everything Beth was throwing at him if he would just pay them some attention.

Beth said, "I'm going to try to keep this discussion short, I'll need you to read between the lines." Beth blushed knowing both the expression, and that Marcus had done just that over the weekend. "If you can't figure out what I'm saying you need to ask. I'm willing to spend as much time as needed to get this right, but we can't have this conversation again."

Beth took some time to readjust, Marcus knew she was about to pick up the point again.

Beth looked at him now a little green. "Whereas you just spent the night," she sighed unhappily, "and we definitely gave pleasure to each other." She grimaced, her voice laced with shame, "You gave me quite a bit." She sat boring a hole in the floor with her stare for far too long, "We got very close very fast, which is a whole other thing I don't understand. How did you go from being a friendly face and a warm person I interacted with at work, to being in in my bed - being my lover?!"

She shook her head for the umpteenth time, "It was all so fast, I mean it seems like sex was only one step behind seeing you in a nonworkplace setting. Jim told me before he left two weekends ago that he couldn't make it the following weekend. Early mid-week you came over as you sometimes do, nothing unusual. We have a little dinner or desert and watch a show or movie on TV, that's it. No big deal, friends being friends! But we ended up making out. Two days later you came over again and we fooled around even more. You came over Friday and we got each other off but didn't consummate, but you spent the night with me in my bed. Saturday, I closed my mind off, I think I had since we'd made out. You took me in the morning, and I kept my distance afterwards, but we stuck around each other. That night you were still here. We went to bed again and... damn, did it again. I'm sorry if I offend, this is hard for me to believe. That brings us to today, Sunday morning. I've been up half the night not being able to do anything but think about it. We went from friend zone to sex in five days!"

Beth fumed at herself. "That upcoming weekend I knew Jim couldn't make it. In some ways I was growing weaker each week and I was emotionally needy and ... I don't know how it went that far! It's like my brain turned off. I wanted to be protected. I felt so out of place, so alone, and I'd done it all to myself. Jim has given up so much and the first time he can't make it I not only cheat on him, but I put a partner in my bed for repeat performances all weekend. Do I hate him? Do I hate myself? And regardless of which, what kind of slut am I?"

Marcus didn't say a thing, he'd spent many a weekend having a lot more sex than he'd shared with Beth. She'd enjoyed herself but she'd hardly let herself go; she didn't approach wildcat status. Marcus would say she'd taken comfort from him not given herself to ecstasy. He was sure pointing any of that out wouldn't have the impact he wished for.

"This week, knowing I couldn't see Jim, I just sort of broke, and it kept getting worse. Incapable of forward motion myself I went with the flow. I didn't even send you mixed signals, why wouldn't you come back? You kept saying it was just easy going, two people that liked each other. If the word lover or sex would have been mentioned I would have woken up, but I went with the flow - and flowed right into being a dishonorable woman.

"But Marcus I don't do that, and never have. I'd understand my actions if I was falling in love, but I can tell I'm not. Jim has all my love: I can feel it. It's breaking my heart right now. He wouldn't believe me if he knew what I've done this week. It wouldn't help at all if he found out now that we've been together, that you've been there in the background for the whole sordid time. I don't know if I have any credibility telling you this after how I've acted, how I ... performed, but I love Jim! I can't explain to myself exactly how out of the blue I've taken a lover, especially one that's even spending the night.

"We even spent the last two nights in a row together! I'm going to take pains to make sure it doesn't happen again, but you've still been over here at least twice during the week with regularity. We were just talking, watching movies, or playing games, that's all. The weekends - with Jim - were my bonding time. Then Jim couldn't make it, I was already missing him, it was raining, I was lonely, I got close to you, you reacted as a man would. I stopped it at a certain point, but I'd already sent the signals. I may have stopped, but I didn't stop you. I feel pathetic and weak. Dear God, this is worse than the weakness I came here to conquer.

"What do I do? How can I explain this to a man who I adore, yet messed up his life and his plans, to facilitate my coming here. I made him doubt my commitment to him by taking this internship. I guess I took great advantage of his love for me redirecting his plans too. His plans would've helped him set up a career - to provide for me! All that and I end up making out and screwing another man. Screwing him twice in my own bed, sleeping with him throughout the night. A bed that I've shared with Jim. Doesn't that pretty much prove every bad thing I made Jim question by taking this internship?

"What man wouldn't correctly surmise that the moment the woman he loves takes a lover that maybe she's not as into him as he'd hoped?"

Marcus chuckled at that and started to give her a grand affirmation, but saw Beth's anger flare at his chuckle, then her face lose all the color at his affirmation.

Marcus took his chance, backing off to hurry the coffee prep along. When he was finished, he came around the island into the living area, putting her mug on the coffee table and sitting close to Beth with his. He noticed her blanche, so he scooted away another two feet, which seemed to comfort her.

Beth almost seemed to be talking to herself, "I don't know what I've done, how I've done it, and most importantly why I've done it."

"Well Beth, why don't you start your explanation to yourself by admitting that you've got two lovers."

She clenched her eyes shut hard. "Boy, that says volumes and I'm not sure what to say back. I'm thinking that you're not worried. I'm imagining some other guy here too, in affect cheating on you, except you're okay because we never pledged exclusivity to each other. Besides in reality you're the interloper who's eating the other guy's lunch. Exactly how would you have me explain my actions to the man who does care, a man who should rightfully be my fiancé by now?"

Beth mocked a sweet saccharine voice, "Hey Jim, I wanted to give you a quick FYI. While you're at home I've been sleeping with some guy, don't worry it's just one guy, at least for right now. It's no big deal, honey. Actually, I'm just chilling with the guy behind your back, and sometimes he taps me. Oh yeah, he's recently made a habit of spending the night now too, and if he keeps doing it, he's going to be tapping your formerly private reserve before and after work each day and most of every night. But I'll still be here for you ... on the weekends you can make it here." At the end Beth was seething. She wanted to throw herself from the roof but that wouldn't be hard enough on her.

"Dammit! My boyfriend is a very good man, he loves me completely, and certainly doesn't deserve to have any woman do this to him. I have literally fucked him over, and that is exactly what he feared precisely because of how I was acting!"

Marcus said quietly, truly trying to help Beth through the process of coming clean with herself, "Beth baby, maybe you're not as into him as you thought?" He said it cringing expecting a terrible reaction, but her actions with him meant something. Maybe she just had to face it.

Beth looked at Marcus tears welling in her eyes "That's what this seems to be saying to me as well. Though I swear it's not true. My heart is full of Jim! Work has been wonderful. I really have learned a lot. But no offense, what I really want is Jim here. No," she seemed happy to realize, "I want to be with him wherever he is." She thought some more, "I really do!" Then her face darkened. "Okay, that's definitely what I want, but hardly what I deserve."

She was determined yet pensive before she spoke again, "Marcus, you have a reassuring nature and I think that's the key: I've always sought that from Jim. I took a lot of chances taking the internship. I wanted to grow into somebody more for him, not in any way less at any of the things that he wanted me or needs me to be for him. I see now I wanted it more for myself, Jim was fine with me as I was. I wanted to still be me not someone's sidekick.

"I think people always worry when you make a change like that, you will accidentally change both what was already good as well as what could have been better. I made a wild leap to prove to myself I could do it, and to further my confidence by proving I could make it on my own. I've failed Marcus. I've failed spectacularly. I wanted to be a more worthy person for my family, and especially the love of my life. I wasn't rebelling against the life I'd planned, I just wanted to be more worthy of it. Instead, I've betrayed it."

Beth looked at him seriously as she parted her hands as if ready to clap, "I might explain this badly. I'm figuring a lot of it out right now as we speak. I think I'm finally putting some pieces together. It's like I'm finally emerging from a haze, or like I've been on auto pilot and am finally taking control.

"Yes, that's it, life has ruled me. I've been adrift in its currents and eddies going where it pushes me. I know I can't control life, but I can control myself, which I now realize has been my problem all along. I go with the currents surrounding me," she stifled a sob, "and they've led me here. I knew I needed to grow; I thought I needed knowledge. I wanted to control my surroundings. I should have been looking in the mirror all along. It's cost me heavily, but now I know."

She took a few moments to let that fully sink in.

"I came here to grow; I hope I can now that I finally have the key. I don't know how I'll look back on this trip. If I'm happy, if those around me are happy, I guess I'll see it as the trip where I paid dearly for the key to the future happiness of those around me. Except I see myself differently and not at all in a good way. At least I see I'm not worthy of self-centeredness.

"I didn't know I would seek out the qualities in my boyfriend in others to make up for his absence." She shook her head, "He's not absent, I am. He didn't leave my life, I left his. Damn it, I left my own life!" She shook her head at herself, "He protected me from the storm of life, he could swim in the currents that swept me away. He pulled me along with him. I see it all with increasing clarity now.

"Here alone, all my failings magnified. I didn't expect that. One of the things you're very similar to my boyfriend in is giving me confidence. Another big one is you're willing to put a certain order of protection over me. I don't know if you were claiming me as yours. I'm not sure you do that. You're more of an umbrella guy: you stand there with your umbrella open, happy if someone ducks under it with you for a while. That person is under the protection of your umbrella - for now.

"Under your umbrella they are protected from the rain or harsh sun but not from wind or attack. You'd have to wrap your arms around who's under the umbrella and put yourself in harm's way to protect like that. You'd have to be much more serious about life to take on those responsibilities. You'd have to have actual skin in the game.

"As it is now you seem generous and free, but don't make deep commitments. That might be the other side of freedom, unless you're willing to put down roots, stand up for and take damage protecting what you care about, you will be blown around by the wind too. You need to be the fortress for what you love, not depend on a frail umbrella. Instead of standing tall you become a champion of sticking soft landings wherever the wind decides to drop you. Your life is carefree, Marcus, but not substantial."

Marcus reacted to the news like taking a slap. Yet it landed as a slap to wake you up not one to admonish. He knew she'd tapped into something. He listened carefully.

"You partially made me your responsibility. You certainly took it upon yourself to enjoy my body, not without my help. I'm not blaming you; I'm just trying to help you as I help myself," Beth managed a fractured smile, "It may not seem like it, but I am. This is what returning the favor feels like sometimes.

"You were there for me in important ways. If I needed reassurance, that door was always open. And I think walking through that door sort of allowed me to open a whole number of doors for you, doors that, oh geez, how do I put this? Even though I physically enjoyed those doors being opened, they never should've been. That's the point you need to learn. The anguish I feel about what we've done far exceeds the physical pleasure I felt. I needed a port in the storm, you gave it, but at too high a price.

"Let me make another point, I know we used protection but I'm not sure if I got pregnant that you would do the honorable thing and take care of me and our child the rest of our lives. I don't see you as a perpetual scoundrel, just someone like me, having a hard time learning the big lessons about what it takes to grow up to be a good person. What you gave me was invaluable to me at the time, but you pressed your advantage too far. If you cared about me, you would've asked about how I'd feel about cheating on my boyfriend, something I can never erase and will have to live with the rest of my life. See any parallels?"

Marcus was clearly thinking. He peered into his coffee wondering if it would unravel some of the mysteries for him.

Beth paused, "I'm not blaming you; most guys test the water. As much as I tried to shut you down, I needed the confidence you were offering so much I was apparently willing to barter what I did to get it. Except Marcus, when you like someone and see they're vulnerable and ready to make bad decisions, you don't help them make the bad choice. You were strong, I was weak. It never should have happened. And it kept happening and kept getting worse, until I finally got so angry and disgusted with myself that ... well, here we are."

Nervously Marcus took a large swig of his coffee. He nodded to Beth that he was trying to follow her and that she should continue. He felt like a new student trying to absorb the lecture of an accomplished professor. He took another large swig.

"My boyfriend had planned on proposing to me, then I told him I was going to accept this internship. He still doesn't know what to make of it. I didn't mean to make it either or, and I filled him with doubt. Now I see you know your way around my bedroom as well as I do. God, I never meant to hurt Jim. I never meant to not marry him or put off our wedding. Those things are terrible, but now I've actually cheated on him!

"I was convinced I was going to do things here that I wouldn't necessarily do at home; I meant in business training not, not this. They do things differently here than they do at home, that's where I saw the value. Apparently sometimes to do different things we have to change the environment around us. I've certainly done things I never would have normally done. It was like my parents said: the change in me and my life course may not be worth the knowledge I'd glean coming here. How did they learn that by not making huge mistakes like I have? Why did I have to make these unalterable unpayable debts to learn the lessons?"

Beth closed her eyes; she reached out and touched his wrist. She laughed ruefully, "I wanted to come here and stand on my own. Then I sought out the same reassuring qualities of my boyfriend. Someone able to give me the strength and confidence to do it.

"I-I left to prove I could do it on my own, and then set up a circumstance where I was doing things the same way I did at home." Her voice changed to maudlin, "Why did it take putting another man in my bed to learn the lesson?" She was suddenly full of fear, "Oh dear God, I can't explain that to him. There's no way I can explain you to Jim at all. I can't explain you, not to anyone, can I?"

Beth's hands flew over her eyes, "Dear God, having a lover, one you've never told your husband about, it's just the sort of thing that destroys marriages when the truth outs. You're an easy-going guy, Marcus, but you see opportunity for yourself, you had to have come on to me for this to happen."

Marcus looked into his coffee; it offered no way out. He spoke up, "I admit I'm the one that came on to you," he cringed, "but I wasn't exactly getting the vibe that I should stay away."

Beth looked sympathetic - in her misery, "Oh no, I realized you were like Jim. I reached out to you and wanted more of you - as a surrogate for the man I left behind." Beth was stunned and afraid, "I think this would play almost exactly to his fears, except that I was reaching out for properties that were like him. I made Jim fear I wanted something different from him." She looked at Marcus, it was her turn to cringe. "Seeing the wrapper Jim would presume that was part of the difference I craved. How ironic. I wanted more of him; it was your inner qualities that I sought."