The Internship

"I didn't think I was, but there's evidence to the contrary. I think that's a much better debate for me, than how much slack to cut myself over taking a lover. And how much advantage to take of the people who truly love me." Beth shook her head, "I can't be this woman!"

Beth looked at Marcus with a poignancy he'd never encountered. "The rest of my internship here, I have one overriding mission. I see the ugly truth that if I stay with Jim, that I must lie to him. So, I must completely ensure that he never lives a lie. I must become again the girl he loves. I-If I can't do that for him, then I can't keep him. I've done him too wrong already, I can't do him that wrong! I have to put him first now." She looked hopeless as the thought surged through her. "I HAVE to be what he needs me to be!" She looked at Marcus with a fierceness he'd thought impossible from the kind quiet girl he thought he knew. "I HAVE to!"

Beth swirled the last contents of the tub into the drain and turned off the water. She rose and propped herself at the sink and started to clean herself up from being sick. Marcus stood behind her then moved off to the side as to not be too close. He waited for her to slink back out into the living room and plop herself down on the couch where she'd originally been.

Marcus was surprised to see he was still clutching his coffee cup; he'd unconsciously brought it along with him. He downed the remaining contents, though it was still too hot for that. He wondered if he'd just symbolically "taken his medicine." Still standing, he started to lean in to kiss her goodbye, saw her eyes, and thought better of it. This was already over. He found his hands rubbing each other realizing he was taking a mental inventory. Did he have everything? He mustn't accidentally leave something here, that could compromise her. Because Beth displayed her boyfriend as a prominent part of her life - of who she was, he'd made a point of traveling light only bringing items that would fit in his pockets. Marcus always knew he shouldn't have a presence here.

Marcus spoke softly, "I think it's best I leave. Though first I'm going to say something that I hope helps." He made sure he was standing straight though he didn't know why. It just seemed proper, respectful. "Beth, I saw sweetness in you, and that you were true, and that made me want to reach out and steady you. Yes, even protect you. If you doubt you still have those qualities - don't.

"We've made some lovely memories, but I understand I'm at a completely different place than you are. Review what you've lived out with me and take away anything important for fixing your present and setting your future back on course. I hate saying this, but I think it's the best course: erase the rest. Just purge it from your mind. After the crisis has passed, view what you needed to keep as merely fun memories. I really hate that, so being your friend and more clearly meant something to me, but I never ever wanted to wreck your life. I thought I was being fun and stabilizing, not reckless and destabilizing. I guess what I'm trying to say is ... I'm really sorry, Beth."

Beth looked back to him when she realized he was both trying to help her again and take his leave. She saw him fumbling. When he raised his eyes hopelessly to the heavens, she knew this talk had come in the nick of time: Marcus was developing feelings for her.

"Ah, Beth, if ... somehow things don't eventually work out for you two, I'd be happy to make something deeper and greater with you, maybe even something for keeps." Marcus was shocked to hear himself say the words, even more shocked to realize he may mean them.

Beth's brow knit. She couldn't consider such a thing. She already had something deeper.

He shrugged, "I'm making you feel worse trying to make you feel better. I-I think you are a good person, Beth! I'm not just saying it. You must remember that as you work through what you've done to the people you care about most. I won't cause you trouble. I won't lurk around. At work I'll only speak to you if spoken to. I'm not being rude; I just think it's best that you decide the exact extent of our ... interaction."

Marcus was still fumbling for how to say something, how to set the record straight in the dwindling time he had left. "Ah, for my part, this wasn't cheap or tawdry. I think even if you didn't have the complication of loving another man, that this meant more to me than you. That's not a caustic comment. I'm just explained that in the future while I keep mum in the shadows, contrary to what I recommended for you, that I will never forget a single precious memory we made. That's something new for me, and I thank you for it, Beth."

He stood looking awkward, tilting the coffee cup back-and-forth in his hand. "I'm gonna leave now. I know this part of us is over. I won't expect you to acknowledge me at work. I'd be happy to have you as a good friend, but it's all your call, and I'll never think ill of you for however you need to treat me now."

He felt he should say something more. Perhaps something to take the weight off her. The best thing he could do to make her feel better was leave, and that felt lousy. "Ah, I guess I'm rambling now, but this may help you with the context you're searching for. Internships are meant to be instructive. I think you learned your lessons Beth, good and bad." He paused before adding more quietly, "Whether you meant to or not, you've given me a lot to think about, Beth. I hope it sinks in for me.

"I feel I should say much more but I think that would just hurt you, so I'll just say, "Goodbye and take care of yourself.""

Marcus walked towards the door. He stopped and put his coffee mug on the counter. It seemed strangely symbolic. He checked his pockets once again, he had everything. He didn't look back as he closed the door behind him.

* * * * * *

The Fifteenth Saturday

Jim came to see Beth that weekend. She made sure to take him to the places only the two of them had discovered together. She clung to him extra tight and was passionate to the point of tears in bed. She was trying to calm herself after fervently making love to him with her whole being when Jim asked, "Beth, what's wrong honey?"

She broke down crying but didn't completely lose her composure. She owed Jim that, and an answer, "Everything! Everything is wrong." She let her tears flow now.

He sat up and pulled her into his lap. She balled herself up, folding herself into him. He seemed so large, she felt so safe. "Jim, I was confused too about wanting to take this internship. It's been great, I've learned business methods that will be a big help to me, but it never made sense for me to come here just for that. The best I could figure at the time was I wanted to come here to become more worthy."

His face screwed itself into a mass of confusion. She quickly placed her fingertips across his lips in a gesture telling him she would explain, "I think you hung the moon, Jim. I'm not the only one. You're going to become one of our county's elders. For some reason you chose me. I just don't see myself in your orbit. I adore you; I'll be thankful you chose me for all eternity. But I wasn't sure I was up to the needed standard to be your wife. I wanted to become a better woman, a better teammate, and a better mate for you. I felt I'd learned all I could to that end in our hometown and at our college. I wanted to start out as more for you and be more for the rest of our lives. I wanted to make my parents proud that I could be more independent."

Jim replied in a measured tone, "I never thought you had a problem with any of that. Beth, you're one of the sweetest most compassionate people I've ever met. We've always been such a team, such a couple that I've never thought of us as complete individuals." Then with great regret he added," Well, not until lately." Which elicited sobs from Beth.

He added trying to soothe her, "I simply mean we grew together as we grew up together. If I thought of doing something it was always in the context that you would be right there with me, or how it would impact you. I'm not complaining, quite the contrary, I think that's a huge blessing. A union like that is something that most folks may never know."

There was a serious note of apologetic panic in her voice, "But you're the leader of the team. Practically any team you join. I'm proud of you for that. I didn't want to usurp you, I just thought I could be more powerful, just a better mate. I'd begun to think of myself as your anchor, a weight holding you back. I was a great sidekick in early school. I was a great girlfriend in high school, then in college I saw girlfriends evolve into wives and true partners. I wasn't sure I was meeting the standard of being your wife. It's not that I didn't want the job, I want it more than anything! That's why I thought I needed to improve myself."

Fearing her misinterpretation Jim tried not to frown, "Beth, I thought we had the mate and partner thing down practically before we grew into girlfriend and boyfriend and certainly before we became actual lovers."

"Jim, I wasn't aware of how much I leave to you. As soon as I figured that out, I was ultra-aware of how much I depend on you to lead. Frankly, I knew I followed your lead, but I had no idea how much, until I came here ..." she said noting the irony, "to help me develop a greater ability to be independent. I wanted you to be able to trust me with important things for our family so you could concentrate on work, or our community, and I simply wasn't sure I was up to it yet. But I never wanted to be independent from you!"

She felt him relax at that. "Oh Jim, I've messed everything up so badly, how long have you been coiled like that? I-I just wanted to be more capable for you. I'm too dependent when I'm with you, but I'm a mess and a failure away from you."

"Failure? That's ridiculous. Most folks from our town couldn't win this internship and most wouldn't have the guts to take it."

That outburst of pride in her threw Beth, she had to set him straight, "But I'm falling apart. It's so much worse than ... it's really about as awful as it could get ..." she stopped before she blurted out in her misery the secret that would destroy him.

Jim felt Beth grow small. She was so tiny; this was crushing her. Though he was overjoyed that she seemed to be returning to him and finally explaining why she wanted to go. She'd hurt him, made him feel she'd outgrown him. His hurt didn't matter now, Beth was hurt, he couldn't let this hurt her so much.

"Listen to me, Bethy, that's silly. Even if you told me to take you home today, you've done more than most by simply coming here!"

Beth looked up at him two things echoing in her mind, 'He's proud of me, he thinks I was strong in coming here.' That was reinforcement of epic proportions. And he'd said he would take her home. Home! It sounded like he meant a home with him! She'd felt so cut off from it. She'd betrayed it so many ways, she'd become so completely lost. She relied on Jim, and he would take her home with him. She hadn't lost it.

"I always want to reach out and touch you, Jim, I just thought it would be better for us if I didn't have to lean on you so much. You lead in almost all aspects of our life. I know eventually when you depend on me to run our household and raise our children that things will be much more even, but I like following your lead. I thought it had to be a terrible strain on you to always have to be strong and lead - even with me.

"I wanted to strengthen myself so you could lean on me at times. I got this opportunity with the internship; besides the business acumen I wanted to come here and prove to myself that I could do it. Really it was facing my fears. I wanted to grow that way. It seemed the perfect time and the perfect opportunity. I'm learning baby, but I'm not strong. This has weakened me. A lot. I'm ... pathetically weak."

Jim wanted to say something to soothe her. Beth stopped him putting her fingers across his lips again. "This was a terrible awful mistake. I hate it here! I can't hack it, but I want to try to finish my obligation to the company for offering me the internship. I-I can handle the work, but if I'm not with you to focus me I'm lost everywhere else." She sobbed again, "I can't explain how utterly lost."

Jim held her tighter.

"I know you can feel how thankful I am to have you near and be in your arms. I know it worries you to see how undone I am. What may not convey is how thankful and grateful I am to be in your arms. My heaven is being in your arms."

Beth could feel Jim wanting to protect her.

"I've pushed back the start of our life together and I didn't want that. I want to get home to you and cling to you, and very much take our future journey together."

Jim tried to be calming, "Look baby, the six months will end, and I'll take you home. I'll try to figure out how to get here more, I just had some obligations and couldn't make it a couple of weekends. I wasn't punishing you by not coming."

Beth fought down the desire to throw up. "Obligations." She let the word hang, "I feel like I've failed everyone back home. You took your obligations seriously and I ... went rogue. I've failed in my obligations to you, Jim!"

"Now, now. We've been over that. You were a trail blazer, that's not going rogue."

Beth could feel the emotion welling up, she wasn't sure she was strong enough to fight it, "It feels like I have. It feels like ... I betrayed you!"

Beth saw Jim looking at her with complete confidence. Oh, how she took strength from him.

"Beth, you came here to try something new, you came here to learn something."

Beth went completely rigid with panic.

"You've obviously tried something new."

Beth thought she was dying.

"I can tell that you learned something, even if the lesson was hard."

She was going to lose it; she knew she was. If only she could be making love to him. Beth gave herself to coupling with Jim, she'd lose her apprehension in loving him, she'd be able to escape her growing anxiety. She mustn't break down and tell him the secret! Then Jim saved her again.

"But Beth, sometimes, like it or not, we have to learn the lesson before we can go on. Sometimes the hard lessons are the best learned. And isn't that the reason you came here?"

Beth hugged him desperately. She knew her mouth was open in astonished awe. The realization crashed through her, 'Dear God, he's right, he's right, but I didn't expect I could ever betray him, that's what I learned: how weak I am, and how strong I'm going to have to become to not break his heart. I couldn't find that strength for me - but I want to for him. I will for Jim! If he keeps me.' She couldn't believe it but couldn't escape it: 'I betrayed him!'

He could feel her building to some sort of detonation.

"Do you love me?" his words cut through her turmoil. Hearing them caused another.

"Whaaat? Beth was panic stricken. What did he suspect? What did he know? What was he asking? What would cause him to doubt it? She was flying apart.

"No Beth, no. Shhhh. Just tell me you love me." His words were so kind. He was leading her again, leading her home. All she had to do was follow his lead again. Damn, be a weak-kneed unworthy mate again. Beth felt it all overwhelm her.

"I-I love you, Jim! More than anything, but I don't deserve to have you. Don't you understand? I che ..."

Without knowing what she was saying he cut her off, "And I love you. And that's all that matters, Beth."

Her words died on her lips and in her mind. Her heart pounded. She pulled back so she could look at him. She lost his face as her sobbing tears obscured her vision, but his image stayed bright in her mind. She clung to him like flood waters were trying to tear her away.

She forced herself to say something, "No, no, no. No six months."

"What?" he pulled back now trying to understand her better.

"Jim, you said the six months would end and you'd take me home. Not six months. It's one week. I only have one weeks left on the original internship. I want to come home!" She looked at him strangely, "Please Jim, can I come home?"

Jim realized she was truly traumatized, "That's silly, Bethy, of course you can." He couldn't hide his happiness at her decision.

She grew strangely serious. "No Jim, I must have your permission. I-I decided for both of us I was going to leave. Something I've learned is I-I don't get to decide if I can come back. That's what happens when one person makes decisions that two should have made. It's only fair that you make that decision."

"Well, of course, Beth."

"Jim, I wasn't the girl you knew and understood when I was deciding to come here. I was confused, but also knew if I mentioned exactly why, it would either push folks to talk me out of it harder or convince them I thought what I had wasn't good enough. I swear that wasn't the reason. The reason was I thought I wasn't good enough for the life I was about to be given. I desperately wanted to prove myself - to myself - first. I didn't Jim, I failed. I failed you, I failed myself, I failed us all. But I'm dedicated Jim. I value what I had even more than when I left. I want it so bad, and I'll earn it, Jim. If you let me, I'll try my hardest to earn it every day! If you still want me."

Jim ran his fingers through her luscious silken hair, "You threw me for a loop Beth with this internship. I'm sure we'll have other problems in life. If we work through them together, the two of us as a couple, putting each other first, then each trial will forge us into something stronger."

She hugged him and sobbed.

"Yes Beth, I want to take you home."

She threw herself backwards on the bed drawing him down atop her. "Then take me now, don't let me think, and don't let me breathe. Just make me yours." He rolled in place atop her. He seemed to encompass her.

"Don't worry, Beth, you're mine now and forever, and I will protect you. I could be offered the world and I wouldn't trade it for you."

Beth felt much of the weight of that world leave her. Her unexpected choice had led to unintended actions, which led to unanticipated lessons. She'd jettisoned them both out the escape hatch into outer space. She'd been totally lost. Somehow it was Jim who never let her go and was now leading her home. She never doubted he could do it. He did a better job of taking care of her than she did. That was the job he was most happy with. She'd needed to stop thinking of herself so much and finish growing up: she needed to take care of Jim with the same determination, concern, and pride, he spent on her. It took a while before Beth could answer, "Oh, thank you, Jim! Thank you."

* * * * * *

Jim awoke the next morning with Beth nestled in his arms. She was awake and staring into his face. In a strange parallel to a few days prior Beth had awakened first and had been up for a while.

She gave him some time to adjust then asked softly, "I was thinking. As we are closer to the end of the internship, maybe we should pack some of my things to go home with you this weekend, that will lighten the load for next week. I want to come home, but we'd spend the entire weekend in the car making two trips. Also, all those team captaincy's that you gave up and teams you quit. I know the seasons are under way, but do you think you could join some of them late?"

He pondered knowing the playoffs were well underway, "You know it may be better to sign up for the fall leagues."

"But that's not as prestigious!" Beth was adamant.

The corner of Jim's mouth curled as he thought it through, "I don't want to bump anyone who made the team in good faith, so I won't apply there unless there's an injury. But yeah, I can think of a couple that would be happy to have me as a coach's assistant the rest of the season, and then as a player in the fall."