The Interview

Author's note: This is the transcript of an interview I did with an older (than me!), late-30s guy I met on the apps a while back. We went on a date and hooked up - he had the biggest penis I'd ever seen in real life. He's not a porn star, just an average, everyday guy with an insanely above-average penis. We didn't exactly hit it off, but I contacted him again a few weeks later since I was writing an article about gay men and penis size for my work as a freelance journalist. He agreed, on the condition that he could remain anonymous. I hope you enjoy.

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When did you first know you had a big dick?

[laughs] Well, believe it or not, it was at a church retreat.

Church? Please tell me this wasn't some sort of creepy priest or youth pastor situation.

No, no, nothing like that. We were doing a service project over the summer, building houses out in the boondocks of the state where I grew up, and we were staying at a local school. And there were, like, group showers in the gym. We were all filthy after working on the first day, and there were a bunch of guys showering in the gym. I'd never been naked around anyone before, so I was already really self conscious -

Did you know you were gay at this point?

No. Nascent gay, one hundred percent closeted, so being around a bunch of naked guys was like, [laughs] mental and hormonal overload. But I couldn't avoid it. We were all covered in dust and shit. And it's not like I could wear shorts in the shower, I didn't want to be that guy. And so I strip and start showering, not looking at anyone, and I start to hear the guys, like, laughing, and I look around and I was like, oh no. Because I realize they are all looking at me and I saw that all their penises are all, you know, like, normal-sized. And then I look down and there's mine like... whomp. [laughs] I bolted out of there as fast as I could. I think I was still covered in soap.

Did anyone say anything after that?

No. I mean, there were a couple of... I guess... people making offhand comments the rest of that trip, but it was... after all, I mean, it was a church thing. Everyone there was pretty buttoned up. And I made sure to shower after everyone else was done every day.

Hadn't you seen naked men before that? Porn or anything? Not that porn stars are a good reference for penis size.

To be honest, I really hadn't looked at porn. I was pretty tame as an adolescent, a good kid. I had a friend, this kid I knew in middle school, who had a bunch of playboy magazines and we would look at them sometimes when we went over to his house.

Didn't do it for you?

No. [laughs] Not a lot of naked men in Playboy. And in terms of guys, I hadn't even really put it together in my head yet that I was gay. My fantasy life up until that point mostly revolved around the X-men, to be honest [laughs]. Like, you wouldn't believe how much of a nerd I was. I remember having these abstract fantasies about the X-men, Jean Gray and Cyclops, like, making out. Gambit and Rogue. Seriously PG.

You didn't look at internet porn?

This was kinda before the internet, if you can imagine. I mean, we had AOL at home, but the computer was in our living room and everyone in my family used it. I remember a couple nights I tried to sneak down to look at porn, like, JPEGs of straight porn, since what did I know? But our connection was slow as shit. Pictures would seriously take minutes to load. [laughs] You're probably too young to remember dial-up internet. It wasn't really until college that I had regular access to the internet, at least in private.

So once you realized you were different, penis-wise, did that change things for you?

Well, like I said, I was a huge nerd and also a late bloomer. The dick realization came right around the same time I was figuring out I was gay. Or at least, admitting it to myself. I think I always knew, at some level, that I was attracted to guys and not girls. But this was rural [redacted], you know? Bible country. Being gay just wasn't a thing. Nobody talked about it. So it took me a long time to put it together. But once it, like, dawned on me that I was gay, the dick thing made me feel like even more of a freak. And hyper paranoid that I was going to betray my gayness by getting a boner around a guy or something.

Is it hard, pardon the pun, for you to hide it when you get an erection?

I mean... [laughs]. Um, [laughs]. Imagine, too, I was a lot skinnier back then.

A bean pole with a flag pole.

[laughs] Oh my god. You have no idea the anxiety I had. Well, maybe you do. I guess everyone has boner anxiety at some point, right? I mean, I could look at a guy's elbow and get aroused, you know. I wore a lot of really baggy pants.

Lucky for you it was the 90s.

[laughs] Exactly.

So you weren't out in high school?

Oh hell no. Deeply, deeply closeted. But it wasn't really an issue, at least in terms of my social life, or lack of a social life. Like I said, I was a nerd. I had other nerdy friends. All guys, but none of us was dating anybody, that's for sure. And there wasn't really any discussion about sex or sexuality. Mostly arguing about dungeons and dragons.

So when did you have your first sexual experience? And was it with a guy or a girl?

It was a guy. I've never been with a girl. I was eighteen and it was the summer after I graduated from high school. I was living at home and working at a local library. There was this older guy working there. At the time, I thought he was middle aged, [laughs] but in retrospect, he was probably in his early thirties. He looked kind of like Paul Rudd, circa Clueless.

So, smoking hot.

[laughs] Yeah, I mean, I was eighteen and a walking hormone. I might not be remembering him super accurately. I was obsessed with him, though, following him around like a puppy, and at the same time I was terrified he would find out I was gay. So one day, after the library had closed, I was peeing in the bathroom and he came in and started peeing next to me. Of course I instantly get an erection and he saw it and said something like, "holy shit, you got a monster there, kid." And I probably turned bright red, and I froze. He started rubbing himself and I was equal parts horny and terrified, and he asked if he could touch it.

Touch your dick?

Touch my dick, yeah. I couldn't talk and I remember, I just like, nodded my head and then stared at the wall while he started jerking me off. Then he got down on his knees and put my dick in his mouth. I just stood there like a dumb ass. I mean, I was so desperate for this to happen, and at the same time, in shock that it was actually happening. I probably lasted about twenty seconds before I came, in his mouth. I remember that I had to grab his head so that I wouldn't fall over. I remember that he swallowed my cum, and I was horrified and also incredibly turned on by that. And then he came, too. He was jerking himself off as he sucked me, and after I came, he shot a load onto the floor with my dick still in his mouth. [laughs] Blue tiles. I mean, I could probably draw that bathroom in photo-realistic detail, it is so etched into my memory.

What happened after that? Did you guys hook up again?

A couple times, yeah. I was so young, I mean, of course I fell for him, I thought we were boyfriends. [laughs] But he was only interested in my dick. [laughs] I should have learned my lesson then, but oh well. Mostly he sucked me off and once I sucked him off, too. He wanted me to fuck him but I was not ready for that. We mostly hooked up in that bathroom after work and one time I went to his apartment. That's where he wanted to fuck... wanted me to fuck him. It was the weekend, I told my parents I was working and I went to his apartment, and while he was sucking me off he rolled a condom onto my dick. We were both naked. He got down on all fours on his bedroom floor and he was like, "fuck me". I remember I stood there thinking, oh god, what do I do? I didn't know the first thing about fucking and honestly at that point in my gay development the idea of butts was kind of scary and off-putting.

So what did you do?

I don't really remember how I got out of there, but I think I just said, like, "sorry, I gotta go," and, like... oh my god. [laughs] I do remember that I somehow got dressed while still wearing the condom, and I was back home before I realized that it was still on.

What was it like with the library guy after that?

Well, we never hooked up again and he, like, pretty much stopped talking to me. It was high drama, as you can imagine. I definitely cried and wrote out song lyrics in letter that I gave to him on my last day.

Wow, very eighteen.

Yeah. [laughs] He followed me on social media a few years after that. And then he married a woman.

Sad. The one that got away.

[laughs] Yeah, what a catch.

So then, you went off to college?

Yes, and let me tell you, the cat was out of the bag, shackles off, I was ready to go.

[laughs] Slut phase?

In my own way, I guess. I went to a big university in [redacted]. Funny enough, my roommate was from there and super gay... like, professionally gay. Really active in the scene, on and off campus. He took me to a bunch of parties right away in the beginning of that first year, and I was off to the races.

Did you and he ever...

Did we hook up? Yeah, like, almost immediately. You know those cheesy erotic stories that are like, my hung roommate or whatever?

Oh yes, I am familiar.

It was kind of like that. [laughs] The first week we were back at school, it was August and hot as fuck. There was no air conditioning in the dorms. I would sleep in my underwear and so would he. After a couple nights, he was like, "dude, I saw your boner, your cock is huge." And I got embarrassed, but I was like, "yeah... sorry." And he said, "don't be sorry, are you gay?" And at that point I hadn't admitted I was gay to anyone yet, but when he asked, I was like, fuck it, and I said, "yeah." And then he hopped over onto my bed and said something like, "I won the lottery", and he put his hand into my underwear, and pulled out my dick, and we jerked off together. After that, we hooked up for a few weeks, like every night, sucking each other's dicks and making out and stuff.

Did you date?

No, it wasn't like that at all. It was just like, we were both gay and horny and in the same room so it was inevitable that we were going to suck dicks, you know? Then he got a boyfriend off-campus and I didn't see him for a long time. But he must have told a bunch of people about, well, my dick, because I started to get a lot of attention from guys I'd never even met before. But I wasn't complaining. [laughs] I'd been so pent up, I needed to make up for lost time.

What's it like for random people to know you as the big man on campus?

At the time, in the beginning, it was great. All of a sudden I was the belle of the ball, you know? And I had a room to bring guys back to, since my roommate was living with his boyfriend. And I mean, it wasn't just sex, either. Well, I mean, it was a lot of sex. Oral, exclusively, at that point, but more than just sex it was like, my gay awakening. I finally had real friends that I could be myself around, you know? We went to drag shows and concerts and watched campy old movies together in a gay little pile on a gross futon. I feel like that's when my life finally started.

Aw, that's sweet. Did you hit it off with anybody?

Not really that first year. I was in party mode. And working pretty hard at school, too. It took me a while to adjust to college, academics-wise, coming from bumble-fuck [redacted]. Actually, I did sort of fall for one of my math TAs. He was a grad student and I thought he was the smartest and most worldly, like, man. [laughs] He had a beard, even.

Goodness. Hot for teacher.

[laughs] Wow, I never realized how much of a cliche I am.

I mean, we've all been there.

He was hot. And, like, super hairy. He put his hand on my thigh during office hours, and we were instantly making out. We hooked up right there, it was like a conference room or something. The door had a lock. [laughs] He took off his shirt and it was like, bam, hairy beast. I've got some body hair now, I mean, as you know... [laughs] but back then I didn't have much of any and I was like, kind of grossed out but also really turned on by his hairy chest. He was really aggressive, too... I remember, he like, kind of pinned me down and dry humped me on the conference table. And his beard left, like rug burn on my face and neck.

That sounds hot.

I mean, yeah. And what else was kind of different about him was that he didn't seem to care at all about my dick. It, like, didn't interest him.

What do you mean?

Well, that first time we hooked up, he pulled my shorts down and my penis, like, swung up into his face and I expected him to react, you know, like the other guys did, but he didn't.

React, how?

I guess like, surprise and excitement, you know? [laughs]

Like, the main event.

Yeah, exactly. I was used to my dick being the center of attention. But he didn't bat an eye. He just kind of flipped me over and ground his crotch on my ass for a while, and then he jerked himself off and shot his load on my back. I never even got off. He just started packing up to leave.

Wow, kind of an asshole. Did he even touch your dick?

Not really, now that I think about it. We did that a few more times, pretty much exactly the same routine each time. And, yeah, I sort of fell for him.

Did you kind of like that he was treating you badly?

I mean, there's something hot about being used like that, but in his case I think I was just excited that he was and older guy, a smart guy, who was interested in me. But then the semester ended and I never saw him again.

Was part of your attraction that he didn't seem to care about your penis?

That's an interesting question. I guess that could be part of it. Not to get too therapy session on you, but I definitely felt for a long time that my value as a sexual partner was entirely tied to the fact that I have a big dick. It's rare when I hook up with someone who isn't all that interested in it or phased by it or whatever. But it is nice to know that sometimes a guy finds me interesting or sexy enough to be with independent of, you know... that. But this guy, the TA? I don't think he liked me at all for any reason. I was just someone to dominate and jizz on. Which is all well and good, don't get me wrong, II still jerk off sometimes thinking about it. But he wasn't exactly marriage material.

What about you? Do you like big dicks?

I mean, I'm not opposed to a big dick, but it's not at the top of my list of attributes for a sexual partner. I've met guys who are hung who are like, only interested in other hung guys, and it's a huge part of their personality or whatever, but that isn't really my bag.

What is at the top of your list for a sexual partner?

I'm sure it sounds corny, but confidence. As I get older, I'm less fixated on specific body parts or physical attributes... I just want him to be confident with whatever it is he has, you know? I want us to have a nice time together, and insecurity is just so tiresome.

You really don't care about a guy's body, his dick, or his looks?

Well, looks are obviously important. And a great body is a great body. But it's just part of the package. And at the end of the day, a dick is just a dick.

What did you think of my dick?

[laughs] You have a lovely dick. And a lovely body. And a lovely smile.

Aw, shucks.

But can I be honest?

Oh god.

I was interested in you because when you responded to my message you were, like, bold and funny. I mean, the apps are great, because we're all horny and it's an easy way to meet people and have sex, but everyone is just so serious and boring. And you were just, like, sweet, and funny, and forward, you know? The fact that you're hot, was like, icing on the cake.

Well. Now you're making me blush. And the interview has gotten away from you and your penis. So I'm going to redirect us back on topic.

[laughs] OK, fine. To be continued.

So. As we are both aware, I've seen it in action, but, for the record, is your penis one of those that like, stays big when it's soft?

Are you asking if I'm a shower vs. a grower?

Yeah, I guess.

Well, since this is an interview about my dick, I'll just tell you. I'm seven inches soft, and ten and a half inches hard. So I guess I'm sort of a shower, but an erection definitely does cause a stir.

OK, so you're both. Lucky bastard. What about girth?

[laughs] I guess that's where the big money is, right? A little more than seven and a half inches around, when I'm hard.

You certainly know your stats.

Enough time on the apps will do that.

But everyone lies on the apps.

I don't. [laughs]

That's like, entirely outside the normal distribution.

I guess. I mean, there are bigger dicks than mine, of course.

Not many. Are you ever just at the grocery store or something, looking at salad dressing, and then you remember, damn, I have one of the biggest penises on the planet.

[laughs] No, never in the salad dressing aisle.

But you know what I mean.

I suppose I do think about it at weird times. If I'm having a bad day, sometimes I'll think to myself, "hey, at least you have a huge dick!" But it's more of an irony/sarcasm thing.

What do you mean?

It's like an inside joke with myself. Like, a reality check. Everyone thinks it would be great to have a big penis. But over the course of my lifetime, I've probably spent just as much, if not more time worrying about my size as guys who think they're too small. And it's brought its share of problems into my life, as well.

So it's not necessarily a constant source of positive energy.

[laughs] Mixed bag.

What's awesome about it?

I'll tell you what I do love about it. I love getting in a guy's head about it. I like it when a guy sees the bulge of it, the dick print in my pants, when he notices. And then it's like a light bulb will go off and he'll look me in the eye, and there's this energy that we share. He knows that I know that he knows I have a big dick. He knows that I've caught him looking. I like that, even if that's the end of the interaction.

I get it.

I also like it when I'm first getting intimate with someone, and I have this, like, bonus I get to share with him.

The big reveal.

[laughs] Yeah.

I know I was blown away, so to speak, when I saw it.

In a good way?

Well initially, honestly in kind of like a cartoon, boi-oi-oing way, like when it came out and flipped up and hit my arm, I don't know if you remember -

Oh I do. [laughs]

[laughs] So yeah, it came flying out and then I was just like, oh shit. I think I was surprised more than excited in that moment.