The Journey Ch. 09

"That's okay. I've found just listening sometimes is as helpful as getting up and talking."

She sat down heavily next to me, and I tucked my arm around her.

"Not for me. Not today, anyway. Some of the people there have been through such awful things."

"I can't even imagine," I said, stroking her hair.

"One guy saw his neighbor being attacked by her boyfriend. The cops showed up and cuffed him and stuck him in the car before even asking what was happening or who had called it in. After he filed a complaint about it, they started following him around and harassing him. They ticketed him five times for jaywalking in the next month. In D.C.! Everyone jaywalks in D.C.!"

"That sucks."

She lapsed into silence.

"We should get away for the weekend," I said, after it seemed like she had nothing else to say.

"What?"

"You know, get out of the city for a couple of days. Go somewhere."

"And do what?"

"There's an Amtrak to New York that leaves Saturday morning at eight-thirty. We could go up for the weekend--"

"Get out of D.C. and go to New York? Where the cops are just as bad? If not worse?"

"Babe, we can't live our lives in fear, like it's inevitable that something like that's always going to happen."

"Easy for you to say."

I hated how much this had affected her. My confident, cheery, optimistic professor seemed like an echo of the woman who'd been my rock for the last six months.

"It's not easy for me to say. You know how many times I've been hassled? By cops or just people telling me to go back to Mexico? That was a staple of high school for me, and I--"

"You're right, I'm sorry!" she almost snapped.

I had to take a breath to come back to myself, though Jane looked agitated. "Anyway, I thought it'd be nice to get a change of scenery. I read that the ice-skating rink at Rockefeller center opens this weekend."

"You really want to go to New York?"

"Sure, could be fun."

"Wait, we can't go Saturday. You'd miss your meeting."

"I don't have to go to every Saturday meeting. I could go to one Friday morning. Or maybe I'll take a week off."

She looked at me searchingly. "Are you sure?"

"Sure. I think I've been doing really well lately."

Jane smiled at me, for the first time since she walked in the door.

"I'm glad."

"Yeah... I think that I found the thing."

"The thing?"

"Ever since I crashed Abuela's car, one thing that's been bothering me is I wanted to find... not a purpose... but, yeah maybe purpose is the right word. Something to drive me, make me feel like I'm not just muddling through life."

"Not your engineering degree? Working to get into the engineering department at Metro?"

"That's never been the thing for me. That's just what I'm doing to help advance my career, but it isn't something that drives me."

"Hm. So what's thing you found that drives you?"

"I like feeling needed. I like being there for the people I love. When I had my fight with Abuela, one of the reasons I think I took it so hard is, you know, I've been there for her since mom was sent back to Mexico. It's always been really important to me that I can look after her. And I thought I wasn't going to be able to do that anymore."

"That's understandable. Your family is so close."

"And now I have her back. We're going over there every other weekend for tamale day. I feel like she's really warmed up to you."

"Me too. I really like her."

"Love you for that." I gave her a quick kiss. "But also, now I feel like I'm there for you."

"Hmph. I don't know that I like needing to have you there for me," she said sourly.

"Don't be dumb, Babe, we've already had that argument. Everyone needs their partner in one way or the other, every now and then. And I'm glad that I'm not such a basket case that I can do that, can see when you need comfort or support. That I'm not so self-absorbed that all I can see is my own problems."

I held my hand out flat in front of me, my fingers spread wide, palm up. Jane covered it with hers and our fingers laced tightly together.

"I'm gonna always be there for you babe, no matter what comes," I said.

She took a shaky breath.

"What?" I asked.

"I don't know." A single tear slid down her cheek. "I just keep thinking there's so much uncertainty in life. We can't know what's going to happen. You can't say you'll always be there for me. Something could happen. To you, to me."

"That's just life, mi amor. You're right, we can't know. I could go off the wagon, become a drunk again. Hell, we could grow apart someday, you could get bored with me."

"Viv! No way!"

"I'm just saying, we can't know the future. But I know my future is being there. For Abuela, for Diego and Virginia. He told me this week they're going to try to get pregnant. We'll be aunts someday. But most importantly, I want to be there for you, babe."

She finally gave me one of her grins that made my stomach flutter.

"That almost sounds like a proposal. Shouldn't you be down on one knee for this?"

I felt myself flush. Hard.

"Wait. You just turned beet red. Are you proposing?"

"I, uh... I..."

"Viv!" She was totally shocked.

"Look, I'm not proposing right now. But you know... I thought, skating is our thing. I thought it would be fun to try ice-skating, especially in New York City. It sounds kinda romantic. I was thinking I might, you know, maybe..."

We looked into each other's eyes for a long moment.

"This is it, isn't it? You're the one for me? I'm your one?" Her eyes were shining.

"Like I said Jane, no one knows what the future holds. I just know I want to meet it with you."

"Okay."

"That's a yes?" I said with a grin.

She pursed her lips, a mischievous look in her eye.

"You haven't actually asked me yet."

"Oh! Well then, do you--"

"Hang on!" She interrupted me. "Don't ask me now."

"Uh, okay. Why not?"

"You have two things to do right now before we get that."

"Like what?"

"Get on your phone and buy those Amtrak tickets. We need to get to that skating rink. That's the romance I want if you're going to ask."

I grinned. "You got it. And the second thing?

She pulled her sweater up over her head.

"Take me to bed, darling."

"Yes ma'am!"

~~ Epilogue - Washington, DC, September ~~

"My name's Viv and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi Viv!" The chorus echoed around the room, welcoming as always. This was a good group.

"It's been two thousand, three hundred and eleven days since my last drink." I waited for the scattered claps to stop before I continued. Most addicts counted months or years. I kept track of the days. Because it was harder.

"I said goodbye to her yesterday..." I paused, looking down at the floor, and took a gulp of air. Once my stomach settled, I pushed on. "We said goodbye, and it was hard. It was the first time... the first time I really, really wanted a drink in a couple of years. We've been through so much together."

Someone cleared their throat and then the room was silent, apart from an occasional creak from the ancient wooden folding chairs.

"I knew it was going to happen. Knew it was coming. Inevitable, really. I knew that. She needs to go do her own thing now, find her own path. I mean, I'll be there for her if she ever needs me again. But I don't know if she will, she's grown so much, become so independent and strong now. Part of me wants her to need me, wants her to come back so I can hold her when she's scared or sad. But, mostly I want her to get out there and be a star. She's so amazing. She's going to take over the world... But I'm going to miss her like crazy."

I paused to gather myself. I could feel the tears on my cheeks. I remembered a time when crying in public would derail me completely. Not anymore. I embraced it, fully sharing my emotions with the group.

"Last night, a few hours after she left, I found myself staring at a bottle of wine in the pantry. A few years ago, Jane started keeping a bottle or two around again for when she wanted to chill after a hard day. She wouldn't keep it in the house for the first few years of my sobriety. She was afraid of me backsliding, of fucking up everything I've built. That we built, really. It took me a long time to convince her that if I was going to fuck up, it didn't matter if she had wine around. If I fucked up, I was going to get blasted whether there was booze in the house or not. At least if I fucked up at home I stood less of a chance of wrapping a car around a tree again. Anyway, I hate wine. If I'm going to fuck up, it's gonna be tequila." I paused for a moment, feeling a wistful smile come over my face. "I really miss tequila sometimes."

Uncomfortable laughter sprinkled throughout the room. I stared over the heads of my brothers and sisters in the struggle, into the distance, remembering the fight with myself the night before. The hunger to drink. A hunger that would probably return to grapple with me now and then for the rest of my life. I could sometimes go months without thinking about drinking now, but when the urge hit...

Man...

"I wanted to drink so bad last night. But if I did that... I'd be letting her down. And I can't ever let her down, even though she's gone now. I made her that promise, that I'd always be ready, that I'd be there for her... Whenever she needed me. And just because she's not here anymore doesn't change that. So... I didn't drink... I didn't drink... But God, did I want to." I huffed out a loud breath, then my voice got stronger. "Every time something like this happens, every time I have a really bad day at work, or Jane and I have had a fight... or I have to say goodbye to someone I love... I want to drink. But I know that's just a way to duck my problems. Then I'll just have to deal with them later, when they'll be bigger, worse. When I won't be able to deal with them at all."

I heaved a sigh. Scratched the back of my head. Scuffed the toe of my boot on the worn wooden floor.

"So, instead I watched that old Spider-Verse movie. I never liked superhero movies, you know? But that one got its hooks into me. The one with Miles Morales? Smart kid, humble background. He's as smart as anyone in the gifted school, but he doesn't think he belongs. Once he stops being afraid, starts believing in himself, then he can shine. He can get out there and do his thing. Help other people, people who need someone to believe in them so they can start believing in themselves. It's a leap of faith. It reminds me why I do what I do."

I looked around the room, making eye contact with a couple people I knew had been struggling lately.

"So, I didn't drink!" I said loudly. "Instead, I watched that movie and then I tried to sleep, which mostly didn't work, and then I came here this morning, because... because even though I didn't drink last night, I wanted to. And it's a fight. A fight that's harder when you try to do it alone. So, I came here. Because when I come here and I talk to you guys, I know I'm not alone. And by coming here and talking, maybe someone here who thinks they're alone will realize they aren't." I took a deep breath through my nose, and squared my shoulders. "Thank you for listening."

I stepped around the podium and headed towards my seat as the other members clapped. Sha'Niqua stood up to hug me. I was the last to share today, so she and I headed to the coffee table in back.

"I'm proud of you, Viv. You're a really good example."

"Thanks 'Nique." I took a sip and grimaced. "Ugh, this coffee sucks."

"That's why I always bring my Dunkin'," she said, holding up her orange and pink cup.

As we walked out of the church basement up to the street and started in the direction of the Metro, I settled my trucker's hat with the Metro 'M' on my head, pulling the brim down low over my eyes against the bright morning sunlight. The first week in September in DC was feeling no different than August. It promised to be a sweltering day.

"How you been doing?" I asked after another bitter sip from my paper cup.

"Good, I think. A hundred and thirty days today."

I laughed. "You know, just because I count days instead of months doesn't mean you have to do that."

"Hey, you're my sponsor and you're almost seven years sober. I'd be stupid not to follow your example. Honestly, counting the days makes it... I dunno... easier to keep my eye on the ball. Feels like I'm making progress every day this way."

"One day at a time, that's what they say. My sponsor always told me I was being an arrogant ass when I count the days like I do. Says it's just me showing off. He's probably right." I said, lifting my cup to my lips. I took another sip, then grimaced and tossed my cup into a trash can on a street corner.

"Yesterday sounded really hard." Her voice was full of concern for me. I appreciated it.

"I'll be okay. We knew it was coming, it was just hard to say goodbye after everything we've gone through together."

"I know," she stopped me for another hug. I leaned into it.

"This is some bullshit, I'm your sponsor, and here you are mothering me."

She laughed. "Where'd she go again?"

"University of Chicago. Very prestigious. I'm proud of her."

"She'll do great."

"Fuck yeah, she will. She's going to light that place on fire."

"Well... I guess I'll see you next week?"

"You know it, 'Nique. Unless you need me before that. Text or call anytime you need to talk, okay?"

"Okay, Mom!" she said with fake petulance.

We exchanged a fist bump, then I headed down into the Metro while she continued on towards wherever her Saturday morning was taking her.

Two stops and a ten-minute walk later, I climbed the steps of the townhouse.

"Hola mi corazón. ¿Cómo estás?" Jane asked as I hung my hat on the coat rack at the top of our stairs. She padded over from the kitchen to wrap me in a hug. I reveled in it, rubbing my cheek against the soft fuzz on the side of her head, her bush of curls tickling my forehead. The lemony smell of chemicals told me she'd been cleaning since I'd left.

"I'm okay, I think. I had a good meeting. Did Rikki check in with you this morning?"

"She called right after you left. She was more excited than when we gave her the Macbook last Christmas. She said the dorm rooms are tiny, the mattress on her bed is three inches thick, the cafeteria food is terrible and she's already made six new friends. She also said you would have nothing nice to say about the trains in Chicago, they're all, and I quote, 'rattle-traps compared to Mamma Viv's beautiful Metro'."

I chuckled. "Engineering and maintenance is a lot easier when you're mostly underground and don't have to factor in weather as much."

We stood there, hugging, in comfortable silence. Missing our foster daughter together.

"I can't believe she was only with us for four years," I said, my voice rough, as I finally let her go.

"I know, right? That girl wormed her way into my heart so hard."

"We'll get to see her at Christmas break."

"Which reminds me, Stacy texted right before you walked in. They'll be here in a few minutes," Jane said.

"Nervous?"

"More than you are, I'm sure. You're the good one at this."

"Stop it," I said with fake petulance, "We're both good at this."

"I'm good. You're good."

"Kind of unbelievable they called the day after we put our name back on the list, though," I grumbled. Jane knew it was just how I let my nerves show.

"I said we could take a break for a while if you wanted to."

"No, this is important. It's something that needs doing, so we're gonna step up."

As if we'd cast a summoning spell, the doorbell rang. Jane playfully elbowed me towards the steps.

"Abuela called up while you were out too, by the way." She dropped into her uncanny imitation of my grandmother's voice. "She said, 'Dile a mi nieta que no es tan mayor que no le pellizcaré la oreja si me hace esperar dos días para conocer a tu nueva hija,'."

I laughed. "She doesn't need an invitation. It's two flights of stairs up from the basement apartment and she has a key. She can come up here anytime she wants, she's old, not dead."

"Hey! You be nice, that's my Abeula, too!"

I tried (and failed) to not stare at Jane's ass as I followed her down the steps. A harried looking woman with a huge shoulder bag and an armload of paperwork was waiting on the porch next to a young girl of thirteen, trying to look eighteen. The girl was trying for sullen, but clearly was just scared. Her skin was much darker than Jane's, her hair in a giant, messy afro. The hoodie that it was too warm to be wearing, but which she was stubbornly wearing anyway, was worn and a battered suitcase sat on the porch next to her.

"Hi, Stacy," I said to the woman, "Good to see you."

"Viv, Jane, thank you so much for opening your home again. This is Maya Perez. Maya, this is Jane and Viv. You're going to be staying with them for a while."

"Hi, Maya," Jane said, holding out her hand. "I'm Jane. Welcome to our home."

"Hello," she said shyly, a Spanish accent to her voice. She tentatively shook Jane's hand, then looked over at me.

"Hola Maya, me puedes llamar Viv." I offered her my hand and she took it.

"Hola," she answered, the faintest beginnings of a smile touching her eyes.

"I like to start off by making you a promise, Maya. Jane and I are going to be here for you, for as long as you need us. It's what we do. And we're pretty good at it."

THE END

And so ends the Journey my friends. Thanks for going along with me and Viv and Jane. I had a lot of important things to say, none of which would have been possible without these two girls.

When I wrote Viv into Wheels in Motion, she was originally a throwaway character, someone I used to show what bad decisions Addie was making. However, after a very short time, I found myself constantly thinking, "Damn, Addie is really using this girl and not in a good way!" I kept wanting to know how that would affect her life after Addie. Then one day, AwkwardMD told me "I really want to hear Viv's story!" After that, I knew I was going to have to write it. But I also knew that I had more to say than just another romance story.

When I started writing Journey, the world was a mess. (Spoiler alert, it still is.) There had been a year of Black Lives Matter protests and we were coming out of a pandemic. I wanted to write more than just a romantic journey between two lovers. I wanted to talk about justice, and racism, and psychological problems, and self-defeating behavior. And so, I gave you Viv.

But also, I gave you Jane. I couldn't have discussed many of the ideas in this series that were so important to me without her. If you liked Jane, or found her as intriguing as I do, you have to thank AvidReader223. She had reached out to me prior to me starting this series to thank me for my stories, and we got into a very deep discussion about race and representation. Much of Jane is based on my discussions with her. Jane the character wouldn't be half as layered and complex and interesting without Avid's help, and I dedicate the character of Dr. Jane May to her.

Over the course of writing this series, I also had help from ArmyGal33, Bramblethorn and GinnyPPC. Many thanks to them for reading my first drafts and telling me when I was going off the rails.

And of course, I must thank AwkwardMD. My writing would be much less than it is without her editing skills and advice. In fact, Viv's story is 100% inspired by Awkward's characters Vivian LeBlanc and Lucia Alvarez in Attack Decay Sustain Release, The Beast in Me and Sidechain. Sidechain is nominated in the 2022 Readers's Choice voting, going on right now. If you want to thank me for The Journey, show your appreciation by voting for Sidechain for Best Lesbian Story and Most Literary/Genre Transcending. You'd be making the right choice, it is a masterful work and I would be more thrilled to see it win, than winning an award myself.