The Joyous Bed-Chamber

"Verence, did you order this book by a Karma Sutera or something?" Magrat had found the book hidden under his pile of clothes. It was called "The Joyous Bed-Chamber Companion, by Karma Sutera" which sounded much more interesting than some old tome on foreign religions.

She looked at her soon-to-be husband curiously. He blushed even deeper than usual and stammered, "Well... er... I mean... no, not exactly..." His eyes flickered and his cheeks flushed a red only seen in some jellies and many embarrassed flowers.

Magrat smiled mischievously. "Then why don't we find out what all this talk about 'the marriage act' means? We could start here." She opened the book to a random page.

King Verence hesitated for only a moment before following suit, sitting down beside her on the edge of the bed. "Oh my, these drawings are very...erhm... detailed." Magrat said out loud. They both stifled giggles as they leafed through the pages together.

"Hmmm, let me see if there's anything useful here..." she murmured, skimming the text aloud while glancing up every so often at one of the many illustrations. Her voice grew high pitched as she continued reading. "...and then the man must insert his member into the woman's moist entrance until he feels resistance, indicating that their bodies are properly joined...."

Her words made no sense, "What moist entrance do you think they mean Verence? Is this a metaphor?" Her sheer ignorance of the sexual rites of kings and queens was astounding. Verence had never learned of this before either and as a trained joker, they had no need of carnal knowledge. Everyone knows a joker is about as randy as a eunuch with bells. It's not that they practice celibacy so much as celibacy practices them, only in a comedic way.

But now, faced with the innocent curiosity of his betrothed, he felt compelled to educate her. With a deep breath, he began explaining the mechanics of intercourse, using terms like "manhood" and "womanhood" instead of the crude language from the book. As he spoke, Magrat listened intently, occasionally interrupting with questions or comments.

What he didn't know is that he had it all wrong. "Well Magrat, a man and a woman have hoods, these hoods are like a pair. Some people like to dress them up together like...those foreign dolls that stack. Um, sometimes the dolls will drool and other times they sneeze. I think it's like a dance of coats and then... well that's all I know for sure."

Magrat was even more confused, "Maybe there's a manual in here Verence?" She searched through the book again, hoping to find a section titled "How To Have Sex Like A Real Couple." But after several minutes of fruitless searching, she gave up.

They sat there in silence for a moment, each lost in thought about the mysterious world of marital relations. Finally, Magrat broke the silence. "Perhaps we should ask someone who actually knows how to do this?"

King Verence's cheeks flushed and he nearly cried out, "No, no, no. A king is supposed to know these things... only I've just become a king and I can't let anyone know. I have an idea, in these pictures, each character is um... you know...not in pants..." He couldn't finish his sentence before silencing himself in embarrassment.

Magrat was picking up on his train of thought like a fly recently splattered by a windshield. "Oh, I see. So should we?" She asked mostly confounded but also curious what she might do if she were naked with a man in the room. She'd heard of witches being nude together while dancing in the mountains, but a man and a woman?

With a defeated sigh, King Verence nodded reluctantly. "Very well, my lady almost wife. Let us begin our lesson in the art of lovemaking." Guided only by the colorful illustrations and misguided advice of "The Joyous Bed-Chamber Companion." Their journey would begin with a stubborn silence where neither spoke at first. Then came giggles, followed by nervous questions, blushing responses, and eventually Verence spoke up, "Should you or me be the first?"

Magrat looked at her dress and remembered all her layers and the near hour long struggle with the wraps of fabric she had battled. "Um, you go first." Magrat finally said in matter-of-fact tone.

King Verence swallowed hard and took off his clothes carefully folding them neatly next to the bed, revealing a pale and skinny body free of hair save for around his member which he covered self consciously before taking hold of himself. He hoped that Magrat hadn't noticed that it was not in it's normal docile state. But Magrat observed him in a nearly clinical manner not knowing an excited member from a sleeping follower.

"So...in that last page the woman, touched the man... down there." Magrat said pointing to where his hands covered his semi excited serpent, well serpent might be too strong of a word, the garter snake may be more apt with his genetics.

Without looking away from his task of covering himself again, King Verence nodded slowly. "Yes..." His voice trailed off uncertainly.

Magrat continued, feeling slightly more confident now that they were discussing something she understood better than sex itself; books! Magrat started to read, "...and then the man should sit back as if lounging with his hands to his sides and the lady should gently grip and hold the shaft of his erect penis." She paused expectantly, waiting for him to respond.

Finally, still avoiding eye contact, King Verence muttered, "Ah yes... um... right... so uh... why don't we try that?" Magrat reached over as her fiance leaned back and held his average snake in her hand without any motion. "The lady should then move her hand up and down." Magrat continued to read noticing his soft skin was started to go rigid. "Is everything okay Verence?" He was making a noise like a creek and a rooster fighting over a drowned beetle.

King Verence closed his eyes tightly trying to focus on anything else other than how good it felt having someone touch him there. "Um... yeah... just fine... keep going...." He managed to croak out between moans. Magrat looked at him curiously before continuing to read. Her own body tingled and she found herself moving faster unconsciously.

Time seemed to stand still as they both lost themselves in the sensations created by each other's touch. Finally, King Verence could take it no longer and felt a sensation like urination or pressure a valce was about to open is all he really knew. At that very moment Magrat released his little snake and turned the page.

"Oh um, is that it then Verence asked?" Magrat started reading out loud once more, "The lady should undress next and lay on her back. Oh, I don't think that's all of it, but you'll have to watch me undress and maybe help where everything gets complicated." She stood up and tried to pull her 3 stone dress up and over her head. Unfortunately, due to the layers and folds, she ended up looking like an oversized caterpillar struggling to get through its chrysalis.

King Verence watched her struggle silently, feeling a mixture of amusement and desire welling up inside him. Eventually, he stepped forward and began helping her remove the garments, revealing her complicated network of under-dresses, stockings, two pairs of socks, and a corset. He got to work on the corset first as Magrat asked, "Do you enjoy undressing the future queen?" She was trying to speak through her own nervous thoughts.

Without answering directly, Verence carefully loosened the laces until she finally let out a relieved breath and was in only her lining dress, stockings, two pairs of socks, and panties a grandmother would call too conservative. Next he removed her heavy silver necklace and bracelets before stepping back to admire his handiwork. Magrat blushed crimson beneath her pale skin.

"Now," King Verence murmured hesitantly, taking off her small bra, "I can do the underthings after this." Magrat said as he exposed her very meager pale and pink breasts. They were nothing like the voluptuous creatures he had seen painted on ancient walls or sculpted in marble. But they were hers and he found himself unable to resist leaning forward to touch one like a figure in an antique shop. A simple poke at one nipple then he stepped back to watch her shimmy out of her stockings.

He had never seen a woman's full bare legs before and he rather liked it as she slid the stockings down. She tugged at one sock, then a second, a third, and a fourth, then removed the last of her leg covering. She stood up in only oversized white underwear.

Magrat glanced up at him, her eyes wide with surprise. For a moment, neither of them moved. Then, slowly, deliberately, she lowered her knickers exposing a large patch of tangled hair.

Verence was a little surprised, because none of the pictures had hair on their womanhood. "Is there something under the hair then?" He asked as she stood up the two finally properly naked. She giggled nervously.

"Well... yes..." She replied, looking away bashfully. "But we shouldn't worry about that right now..." With a deep breath, she climbed onto the bed, laying herself flat on her back once again. She spread her legs slightly apart. Verence grabbed the book to continue reading where she left off.

"When the woman is on her back," he read, "...the man can enter her easily." Magrat nodded not fully understanding. King Verence took a steadying breath and continued reading, "Some ladies may prefer if the man touches her with his hand first to increase her arousal." Magrat looked up at King Verence with a quizzical face, "Increase it, how?" He looked flushed and said, "I don't know maybe it's like a spell or something, should I touch you my love? With my hand I mean."

She only had an academic look on her face, lying back against the pillows. Her body felt something, maybe it is magic. As he slid one hand between her thighs, she felt the spell strengthen. His fingers found her hairy patch of tangled knots and began to burrow lower until he felt a warm bit of skin.

Magrat sat up quickly, "Oh me! That is...that is..." She couldn't say anything intelligible as his finger then rubbed her lips a bit. Magrat laid back down staring at the ceiling unable to keep still. Everywhere he touched made her feel strange sensations flow through her body. His other hand moved higher finding her breast and massaging it softly.

King Verence kept rubbing her down there and asked, "Does it feel like it did when you touched me?" Him not knowing that there was no way she could read his mind unless she were an elf. "I think based on your noises it must feel the same." He stopped touching her and turned to the next page. Magrat breathed heavily as he read, "Now we can move onto the part where the man enters the woman..."

She sat up and grabbed the book, "Yes, but what does it say about the position of the two?" She said half excited half curious. "Here, it is a matter of preference if the woman should be standing, laying, or on top of the man, please see figures 1 to 3." She looked at the three pictures with Verence and he asked, "Whose preference?"

Magrat smiled shyly before answering, "Well, why don't we try figure 2 first? You go on top of me." Her voice sounded calm enough. King Verence watched Magrat lay back down then crawled between her legs like a man walks when he's about to need to privy. "So, I just put this" he holds his snake with one hand, "in there?" He asks more for research than permission. Magrat nods as she watches his hips lower then the feeling of his finger but it's not his finger reaches her outer lips.

"So this is what married people do all day." She said. He freezes and says, "Do I push it in slowly or fast?" Her wet folds were only partially spread by his average member.

He pushed forward a bit more when Magrat felt a sharp pain in her tunnel. "Oh wait, it doesn't feel good anymore." He felt the resistance too and said, "Are we doing everything right? Did we skip a step?" He sat there with only the tip barely inside her. Magrat reached over to the book and looked in the appendix for "First Time" troubleshooting tips.

She found the chapter titled "The Elusive Penetration Problem" and began reading out loud, "...if the man feels discomfort during penetration, it could be due to lack of lubrication..." She paused looking up at Verence who seemed confused. "...or perhaps the woman's body isn't properly relaxed..." His expression cleared slightly, so she continued, "...it may help if the couple engages in more foreplay before attempting intercourse."

King Verence blushed deeply, realizing that they hadn't done most of those things yet. They both laughed nervously before starting again from scratch. "It says here you should kiss my womanhood gently and rub the top of it with your tongue." Magrat said as her finger moves across the page. King Verence shimmied back down her removing his head from her folds and laid between her legs with his head looking at her brown jungle of fur. With one hand he pushed some hair aside and he found her pink lips.

He then stuck his tongue out like a frog hoping for a fly to land on it and inched forward until it made contact with her opening. Her taste wasn't unpleasant, just salty and musky. As he licked around her entrance, he heard her moan softly and then noticed she was holding her breath. Then he felt something warm and wet against his tongue.

Magrat arched her back, and wiggled her legs. She could feel the lapping of her folds and an electric storm formed in her stomach every time he touch the top of her opening. "Um... oh... oh!! Verence, can you maybe, focus on the top... ah!" She managed to say as he explored her entrance further. He looked up at her face and saw how close she was to losing control. Taking courage from her reaction, he thrust his tongue deeper inside her, circling around a little knob of skin at the top of her opening. Neither knew of clitoral stimulation but empirical experimentation is often easier than theory.

Her hips bucked wildly beneath him and she let out a strangled cry. Feeling her body tensing, he pulled away slightly, worried about hurting her. But instead of protesting, she reached down and guided his head back toward her again. This time when she felt the electric storm, her whole body shook violently and hot liquid spurted onto his face.

"Oh my," King Verence breathed, wiping his face clean with the sheets before sitting up next to Magrat. "Is that what they meant by 'fore' 'play' he said it as two words." Magrat just sat there unable to speak. After a minute of silence she responded, "I think that was a good troubleshooting step... do we want to try again now?" She was slowly feeling like herself and less like a dog that fell into a pile of sausages without a way to eat them all.

King Verence nodded slowly, still looking surprised. "Yes..." His voice trailed off uncertainly. Magrat smiled softly at him and took his hand, leading him back between her legs once more. As he began to touch her, she closed her eyes and focused on the sensations coursing through her body. He lowered his hips, pushed down and got just his little head into her. To her dimsay she felt intense pain and yelped, "Stop stop!" He sat there confused and a little flustered.

"We did the 'fore' 'play' didn't we?" He asked uncertainly. Magrat grabbed the book and read the next section on "First Time" and read out loud, "...If you have had enough foreplay and still encounter troubles, the man may have to push past a guarding piece of skin inside the woman's entrance. This is often painful and may result in bleeding, intense feelings of fullness, or the woman passing out." Magrat stopped reading and looked down at Verence and his slender frame frozen above her...she set the book down and looked up at him, "Okay, well then, we tried the other step... push again." King Verence blushed deeply before pushing forward slowly until he felt something give beneath him. There was still resistance but not nearly as much. He moved deeper and deeper until finally, he was buried within her completely.

Magrat let out a sharp breath and arched her back against the bed. She could feel every inch of him filling her up. Around them, the room seemed to disappear as they were engulfed in their own private universe. With each thrust, he drove himself deeper inside her. Her hands clutched at the sheets, digging her nails into the fabric as the painful intrusion continued. "Oh, um, it's a lot... more...uh!" Magrat said but all of the sudden Verence tensed up and made a primal sound like a goat biting a whoopee cushion. His hips bucked wildly and she felt hot liquid spurt deep inside her. Then there was nothing but a warm weight pressing down upon her.

She lay there panting heavily, feeling odd sensations coursing through her body. After several minutes, Verence rolled off of her, leaving her small flat chest heaving and legs trembling. As she caught her breath, she couldn't help but wonder if everything they had just done really was normal. But then again, maybe it wasn't meant to be easy. Maybe making love was supposed to be hard work, like building a castle or growing old together. Regardless, she knew one thing for sure; tonight, she had shared an intimate connection with her soon-to-be-husband unlike anything else. And despite its challenges, it had left her feeling closer to him than ever before.

King Verence stirred beside her, his heavy breathing slowing as well. He reached out a hand and tenderly brushed a lock of hair away from her face. "Magrat?" he whispered softly. She turned toward him, smiling weakly. "Yes?" "Did we do it right?" he asked tentatively. She laughed softly, wrapping her arms around him. "Well, according to the book," she began, kissing his cheek, "but you're bleeding." She looked down at the sheets between her legs where blood stained them crimson. King Verence sat up suddenly, looking worried once more. Magrat giggled nervously. "Oh, um...it's fine..." she assured him quickly. "...at least, I think so..." Her voice trailed off uncertainly.

He smiled reassuringly, leaning forward to kiss her forehead. "Don't worry about it," he murmured. "We can always ask Nanny Ogg." Magrat snorted, shaking her head. "Maybe later," she replied, yawning widely. They lay there for a while longer, their bodies still joined, the warmth of each other seeping into every pore.

What they didn't know is that his little seeds were in a race to the death to find Magrats egg in her uterus and the one currently in the lead was taunting his opponents and yelled, "Haha, it's mine! I'm going to be a prince!" an ugly angry sperm was quickly gaining on him and said, "No, its mine! You cant win!" just then the leading sperm reached a fork in the road and had to choose but being fast didn't make him confident. In fact, he was so paralyzed that a few darted past him without thinking about directions.

Two more passed and went left without thinking, a fourth and fifth went right. But the sixth and seventh both hesitated before deciding to go left. Then the eighth sperm came along and saw how close the first two were to reaching the prize and decided to bet everything on going right. He sped past the others who were arguing amongst themselves if they should follow or not. Finally, the last four followed suit and split evenly between the paths.

The former leader slowed down when he realized he wasn't alone anymore and looked behind only to realize that the ugly angry sperm was heading right towards him. Panicking, he made a wrong turn and ended up doubling back toward where an argumentative group was. There were 15 sperms discussing the existence of a great sperm in the sky and he started to listen in.

"There ain't no others beside us, besides we are the chosen ones." Said one of them. Another disagreed saying,"Oh yea? Well there must be something else out there cause why would god create so many of us?" Just then the angry sperm slammed into the side of the debate causing several of them to change direction aimlessly.