All Comments on 'The Lawyer and the Killer Ch. 01'

Re: "... her mid drift...."

Just what do you think a "drift" is on the human body? Try the word, "midriff" next time. This would have been a private comment but you disabled those by preventing use of a security code.

mid·riff [míddrif]

noun (plural mid·riffs)

1. middle front area of human body: the area of the human body between the chest and the waist

2. dress part of clothing over middle: the part of clothing that covers the area of the human body from the chest to the waist

3. anatomy Same as diaphragm (sense 1)

(dated)

Microsoft® Encarta® 2007. © 1993-2006 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

I don't usually read this genre, but something caught my eye, and I decided to read.

A well crafted but dark theme, that has a lot of ways to continue.

Over all, a very interesting chapter and hope to see more soon.

Thanks for the read.

eeeewwwwww, sex with a lawyer. That is just depraved.

He was hired to kill her. This is out of bounds and non profressional. He needs his union card revoked permanently.

Oh and yuck with a lawyer. This should be in the horror section!

again your work is amazing.. am looking forward to part two :) jacinta xxO

Susan got very lucky and had a hottie. Okay, the kidnap and possible killer thing is a bummer, but wow, really hot scene. Can't wait to read more.

Okay first you need a good editor that will make sure words are spelled correctly and that it is the correct word not just a correctly spelled word.

You need to work on character development so that we can get some idea why this hired killer knew about kidnapping methods and what made this woman so desirable that he would endanger his career and life.

You need to describe the bar so that we know why he could use a hypodermic in the bar without being seen and explain why a regular in her local bar could get walked out by a strange man without alerting the bartender or bouncer.

Also why did he follow her to the bar and capture her there instead of just using the hypodermic on her when courthouses have dark underground parking garages where it would be easier to inject her dump her into the trunk and drive her away in her own car?

The sex scene was passionless and a real turn off with the woman being as nonresponsive as she was guy might as well have been sleeping with a blowup doll or a corpse.

Normally not into these type of stories but enjoyed the build up.

I am looking forward to reading part 2. Thank you

I only skimmed some of your story because of the many grammatical errors. However, I stopped reading altogether when I read he unbuttoned her panties. Huh? Quite laughable!

your story is good, however you cannot write. There was no emotion in your words, you told the audience how she felt, but her "feelings" never showed up in the story. If she was scared, wouldn't she have some sort of reaction, who just lies there after being kidnapped? The amount of times you said she was scared just made me want quit reading after I got about half way through.You could have described little reactions like her heart rate, or like sweaty palms. But you just told the audience everything, not showed them, which really does not make it believable. If this was just about sex, it wouldn't be a problem, but its several chapters so obviously its an actual tale. It just felt like I was reading a report...

I've read every chapter of The Lawyer and the Killer. I have also read the comments. You seem to have a stalker, someone named anonymous, like me I guess, who can't wait to piss on your shoes. He's laughable. Pay no attention to whoever they are. I love your stuff! anon

I've read everybody's remarks and value them all. I believe a couple of anonymous commentators have picked up some things in chapter one they don't like. I agree in part. But first an alibi; I write a chapter every week or so, while still working, raising a family et.al. The best 'quality authors' had gobs more time, and paid professional editors. On Literatica its all free and for fun, with an occasional voluntary editor.Now about chapter one. Once all is finished I'm rewriting it. The failed premise in chapter one has to do with the misconception that any woman would view rape as at all sexual. To be sure, there can be no sex in chapter one if it involves rape. Susan and Shawn have to be redrawn in chapter one before any of the rest can really work. As for anonymous sweaty palms; sweaty palms would come after some emotional crisis, not during, like a man crying 'after' a fight. Besides if you thought of the sweaty palms maybe what you read really did work, at least subliminally, for you. Realistically, all the stories I've written, or am working on, are essentially rough drafts at best. D.H.Lawrence, I'm no D.H. Lawrence, used to take a day on one sentence. Remember the old adage, a Christie for Christmas; one Agatha Christie book a year! Norman Mailer, a prolific writer, had one, only one, great book. Hemingway, a real quality writer, produced three great books, only three. Steinbeck had two! If things read poorly, like a report, do what all of us can do, simply click your mouse and move on. I want you to read what I write. I want you to enjoy it, and I want to hear your comments, good, bad, or indifferent, but if I am getting the same anonymous over and over, you've made your point. Now its time for you to go someplace and drown some puppies. Anonymous, if you really want to be taken seriously hereafter, add a sign off, like poo poo head or something. Then I'll have a legitimate point of reference. Or you can write me on line at carvohi@hotmail.com carvohi

your "disconnected" writing style works well for a story such as this. i have never been a victim or kidnapping or rape, but i imagine i would feel discombobulated, distanced from my feelings - as the lawyer does - regardless of how my body responded.

i'm on to chapter 2. thanks for the read. i'm looking forward to reading your other works as well.

I'm just getting started on this story but it seems very promising. There were a few spelling/grammar errors but not enough to be distracting.

I'm glad to see, based on the dating of your stories, that you are currently active.

I'll comment again later.

[Gualterio]

Due to reader's negative comments...you changed the 'rape' chapter to this,Carvohi?! ;)) soft and mushy?!;)) what a noncon readerly heartbreak,I feel!!;))

haters!!:)) first please read the rest of this spectacular and mindblowing series...then send in your hate mail!!;))...if you still hate,that is!!;))