The Lazarus Gambit

Soon she felt E Rex's balls jump in her mouth and she squeezed them hard in the vise of her gums, sending a torrent of white hot sperm deeply into the hidden treasures of his parole officer's caverns.

They collapsed back into sandwich mode, breathing softly and basking in the warm aftermath of their sexual encounter. Pru's lips were now on the nape of E Rex's neck. Her hot tongue quickly descended to his ears, taking their cartilage between her lips, and then tracing every convolution of those erogenous auditory appendages with her eager tongue, teasing them with Mike-Tyson-like intensity. She stroked his long hair as she licked his neck, reaching underneath him to find his nipples.

Suddenly there was an intense vibration from the EZ-Cum mega-dildo. "Sorry, but I've got to take this call," Dirty Andy told her newly acquired fuck-buddies. She reached down to pick up the faux double-shaft and put it to her ear.

"Hello, baby. This is E Rex's patrol officer speaking," she said.

There ensued the usual electronic sounds of a synthesized voice. And Dirty Andy's heart began to beat a lot faster. " Oh, you sweet thing," she told the business end of the EZ-Cum mega. "Do I what? Will I what? Oh baby, you know what I like!

"I'm sorry Eddie," she said, "but something's come up and you're going to have to bugger off now. I have just learned of many new functions of the EZ-Cum Mega that I'm going to have to explore with our sweet victimized Prudence Temperance immediately. We want her Ninth Step experience to be the best it can be, to get things off on the right foot-long.

"So run along like the good little psychopath that I know you are.

"You'll be fine," Dirty Andy said. "But if you have an erection lasting more than four hours, consult your physician, as this may be the sign of a serious condition or at least a serious sexual proficiency.

"Here's a card showing your next appointment. Now shuffle off into the night like a good little sexual deviate."

"You mean on foot?"

"Sure. Go back to my office and sleep there. I t's only a two-mile walk down Livernois. Piece of cake."

"But there are all kinds of methuselahs and lazaruses out there, not to mention platinums." E Rex protested. He showed Dirty Andy his tracking watch, and said, "I loves you, Andy. Don't let them take me. Don't let them handle me with their hot hands and drive me mad. If you can keep me, I wanna stay here with you forever. I've got my girl."

"Eddie, I told you that something's come up. Pru and I will have to try out the advanced functions of the EZ-Cum mega on ourselves before we can try them out on you. It's a simple matter of professional ethics.

"Now, don't be such a whiner. We know you can't go home right now with all of those fiends out there, but we've given you a place to sleep. Now off with you. I'll see you tomorrow," she said, barely able to contain a snicker.

INTO THE 'HOOD

E Rex reluctantly went out the door and climbed down the stairs to the street. Before he opened the door, he looked at his tracking watch. The screen with was filled with magenta and emerald Ms. Pac-Man icons. These represented methuselahs and lazaruses, respectfully, E Rex remembered. The revived and the resurrected, respectively.

This was not going to be good. He opened the exterior door of the brownstone. He prudently looked right and left before he crossed Livernois. Better to be safe than sorry when walking across zombie-infested streets.

He felt psychic forces pulling him in all directions, and he staggered back and forth in random Brownian motion for a while. He looked at his watch and was horrified to see all the Ms. Pac-Mans icons rapidly converging on his position.

He was somehow pulled in the direction of Marvin Gaye, Sr. Avenue. He could feel a vast hunger and sadness pulling him in the direction of the street named after Marvin Gaye, Jr.'s loving father and somewhat less loving murderer.

He allowed himself to be pulled in the direction of that emptiness, and soon found himself in a dark alley. The omnipresent sounds of Motown gunfire was a little quieter in this retreat from samsara, and he could hear the sobs of a girl hiding behind the nearest dumpster.

"Sssh, don't be afraid," E Rex whispered. "I'm here to help you. I'm here to serve you. Tell me what's wrong. Why are you crying?"

"Am I cryin'? Mah fink dat this moisture running do' my cheeks is prob'ly a mixture of blood, sweat and tears."

"So what's wrong?" E Rex asked his new mistress and soul mate.

"It's mah eyes. I can't get dem back inna der sockets, no matter how ha I try. And men I do, my bision is ah screwed up. I can't tell the difference betweem lef and rah, up and down, and reality from fantasy.

"Let's take a look."

The lazarus swept back her silky white hair to give E Rex a better look. The faux ophthalmologist immediately diagnosed the problem. " Your eyeballs are hanging from their sockets by their optic nerves."

"Oh no! Dat's terrible. Mut are we going to do? Am I still pretty?" She threw herself into E Rex's arms and began to weep again, if a mix of blood , sweat and other bodily fluids can be construed as tears.

"No prob," E Rex told his distraught patient. "And of course you're still pretty. To me you are the most beautiful girl in the world." (Must be the electrodes talking, he thought.) "Your eyeballs are just crossed that's all. Eyeballs are like earbuds, you've got to make sure to stick the left one into the left socket and the right one into the right socket, or they'll just drop out again. Plus you have to make sure they are both right side up and facing out."

E Rex popped them into the right configuration.

"I can see! Than' God Almahty, I can see at last." The grin on the lazarus's face went from ear to ear. Literally. E Rex knew he was going to have to pop her jaw back into the sockets of her skull, but that should be a cakewalk compared to the delicate ophthalmological procedure he had just performed. He reached out and grabbed her dislocated mandible snapped it back into its sockets.

"Oh, thank you, Eddie!" she said and threw her arms around him. " I can articulate words now without apostrophes and consonant changes."

"How did this happen?"

"A bunch of fucking anti-revivalist Jihadists decided to stone me to death. They knocked out both of my eyeballs and sent a piece of my skull flying into night. That why I'm crawling around looking for it."

"That sounds nasty. By the way, how do you know my name is Eddie?"

"Everybody knows you, hoss," the lazarus said. "They're looking for you all over the place. You are a very popular man right now. By the way, my name is Weena."

"You mean like that fox Eloi Weena, the one that the Morlocks were always trying to eat in H. G Wells' The Time Machine but always came up as empty as a wily coyote trying to slay a roadrunner using defective equipment from Acme, but the hapless canid refuses to change brands for some inscrutable reason?"

"That's the one."

He pulled the lazarus close to him, and softly stroked her Yvette Mimieux-level spider silk hair. "See isn't that better? Wait, what's this?"

"Oh that's just an ear that must have fallen off another lazarus. I'm using it to keep my brain inside my head. I was going to use it as a snack, but brain containment seemed to b e more important right now. I guess that makes me a little vain. I know my skull will regenerate. but I can't wait. "

"Here, let me take a look." He brushed Weena's long white hair aside and lifted the ear right off her noggin. A coil of gray matter fell out of the hole in her skull, which E Rex could see was caused by a missing bony plate.

He picked up the slimy rope of her of her dangling brain convolution and tried to stuff it back into her skull. In doing so, he inadvertently reconfigured the neural networks of her brain, especially in the limbic system, that central portion of the brain that is involved in pleasure and pain and other primitive functions. He tried to shove it into the deep recesses of the brain the neurophysiologist Paul MacLean called the reptilian brain.

"Ouch that hurts!"Weena protested.

"Sorry Baby," E Rex said and moved the brain convolution he was holding a little bit to the left.

"Oh, Oh, baby. Yes! Please don't stop!" the creature cried, and E Rex began to swing the rope of neural tissue he was holding the around like a jump rope.

"Oh, Oh, God don't stop. Oh, ooh, oooh, baby yes, harder, harder." Weena's body was convulsing in ecstasy.

"Skull fuck me, baby. Put that 24/7 foot-long inside my skull and do your worst, baby."

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," E Rex told his zombified paramour. " We don't know what we're doing. We should wait until we can find somebody to monitor us and do it in an MRI scanner so that nothing goes horribly wrong."

"You don't think the world has already gone horribly wrong?" the creature asked E Rex. She was quickly becoming his favorite Eloi.

In response the hypersexed zombie jigsaw puzzle pulled down his fly. E Rex's johnson snapped to attention like a North Korean girl marching in an anti-pride parade.

"You fucking wimp! Okay then, Asimov Two! Now skull fuck me this instant."

So Weena was going to play Asimov's Second Law of Robotics card. He would have to follow her orders. He knew he could cite Asimov's First Law, the prohibition against harming humans, but it was a moot point as to whether the lazarus would be harmed if he was merely satisfying her every desire. He figured it was also debatable as to whether the lazarus could still be called human.

"What are you waiting for, stud? Go on and skull-fuck me, slick. Skull-fuck me like there's no tomorrow."

E Rex figured if he did that there most likely would be no tomorrow for his cute, hypersexed lazarus.

"You worried about me? Don't sweat the small stuff. When you're a yttrium member of AARP like me, they can slice your body into a million pieces, puree them in a blender, and they will just come back and reassemble themselves, just like a slime mold.

"See, look at the roof of that fuzzmobile."

E Rex turned and looked, and he could just make out a white square pumping up and down on the roof of the fuzzmobile, as if it were searching for something.

"Yeah, I see it. So what?"

"That's the missing right parietal bone of my skull. It seeks to implant itself back into my cranium. We only have a limited opportunity, so skull fuck me now, baby, while my skull is still open. Fuck my brain like there's no tomorrow. Because our window of opportunity is closing. Literally. Asimov-Two me, you wimp. You cannot disobey this order."

She had him on that one, E Rex knew. He must comply. He had no choice in the matter. Putting aside his misgivings, he hauled off and plunged his 24/7 two-footer deeply into Weena's brain.

"Not there,"Weena screamed. "That hurts, do it again."

E Rex tried a different angle of approach (literally), this time in the direction of her right temporal lobe, the source of most negative feelings.

"Oh yeah baby! That's it baby! A little harder!"

E Rex complied and felt his hypertrophied shaft entering a brain cavity filled with cerebrospinal fluid. Had the American educational system not failed him so horribly, he would have known that he had just entered the scrumptious deep right lateral ventricle of his beloved's brain.

It was far better than the vajayjays he had experienced thus far in his admittedly short life as a non-virgin human. However, his experience in this regard had only begun that only very morning, with the frolic on dirty Andy's Rack.

"Yeah baby, that's it," Weena said. "Oh my god, I have never experienced such ecstasy. Slam in it and out of me, honey! Don't worry, you can't hurt me. I'll come right back together. Now, skull fuck me like a man."

E Rex took Weena's lovely skull in his hands and slid his cock completely into the right lateral ventricle. Who know cerebrospinal fluid could produce such divine lubrication and warmth? He hauled off and began to brutally pummel the brain. His cock was slamming against the far interior wall of her skull, probably taking out large areas of her left hemisphere in the process, but who really cared? Who needed to use language anyway? It was highly overrated and, in the sage words of Howard Stern, the master of all media, thinking was a complete waste of time. Plus Weena's brain would regenerate. in almost no time.

Weena's cerebellum remained sheltered enough from the copulatory action to gain control over her hands. She grabbed E Rex's cojones and squeezed them with all her might. E Rex shot a good quart of hot jizz into her skull cavity, and they collapsed into each other's arms and held each other tight.

"Mmmm," said Weena.

"Mmmm," sad E Rex.

Then Weena's voice shifted into a much lower register, reminiscent of a HAL 9000 computer and began to sing: "Eddie, Eddie give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. It won't a stylish maaa..."

E Rex looked down in horror, but Weena winked at him and started laughing. "I'm just jiving you. Just messin' with ya," she said.

"Well, if we want to repeat this lovely experience, we'd better hightail it before yon cranial plate catches up with us." He pointed to the top of the fuzzmobile, where the former right parietal bone of Weena's skull was moving up and down in what appeared to be a copulatory motion.

"I don't think it likes being shut out of our humping," Weena said.

"Well, if we're going to be able to reexperience that skull-fucking session, we'd better make tracks before it catches up with us. The two newfound lovers headed off in the direction of Eight Mile Road.

E Rex watched as Weena's surplus ear began to crawl away in a different direction. Probably in search of its rightful owner, he supposed.

Weena took his arm and rested her head with its all its silky white hair against his big muscles. "I want to stay with you, forever" she told E Rex. "We can do it. I've got enough salted away that I can spring for a AARP Yttrium membership for you. We can be slime molds together. Our cells will intermingle forever.

"Sound' s like a plan," E Rex told her. They walked hand-in-hand together, just listening to the soft rhythm of the gunfire over on Nine Mile Road.