The Letter

"Three - but they were completely different. You'll understand when I explain."

"So when were these three," I asked with a degree of levity in my voice - despite the nature of these disclosures, I could not suppress an ironic amusement at the way her lovers were escalating."

"Between ten and eight years ago when I was working for the social services."

"Wait a minute," I said holding up a hand to stop her. "At that time you had already told me that you'd lost interest in sex because of the menopause - so how come you were taking on new lovers behind my back?"

"It wasn't to do with sex - at least it wasn't for me," she said.

"I'll tell if you if it was sex. Did they put their dicks in you or didn't they?" I shouted.

"Yes they did but it was for their benefit and not mine," May said defiantly. "They were old men for a start and one of them was dying."

That shut me up. I just sat and stared at her incredulously. She waited until I was no longer sitting tensely on the edge of my chair, then asked in an almost conversational tone of voice, "Do you remember me speaking about Mr Morris?"

When I nodded she said, "He was the first. I'm not exactly sure what was wrong with him but I was told that he would only live for between three months and a year. My job was to visit housebound people, both men and women, and spend two hours with them every week. I was to see if they had any problems and sort out any shopping they needed but my main function was to provide company and generally cheer them up."

May paused to light another cigarette and went on, "Mr Morris - Mannie, was a fascinating man. He had been in a bomber crew during the war and he told me all about being over Berlin, Dresden and other places. From his other stories I gathered that he had been very fond of the ladies at that time. Well one day I arrived to find him very maudlin. He said that he was not afraid of dying but he hated no longer feeling like a man. Naked in hospital he felt dehumanised and wished that just one more time he could have a woman look at him without it making him ashamed at what he had become. I kind of intuitively knew what he was getting at so I said, 'Do you want to show me your penis - I bet it's really something?' I was right but at first he lost his nerve then nervously opened his dressing gown and pulled the top of his pyjama trousers apart. It was easy to see why he had been very popular with women at one time. Just the fact that I was looking made it swell so, trying to help the process along, I reached out and touched it. His cock quickly got really stiff and he happily told me that it was his first real erection for six years since his wife died. I continued to stroke it and that developed until I was masturbating him."

"Tossing him off," I broke in crudely, irritated that she was making it sound so clinical.

"Yes - I tossed him off," May agreed, " - and I did it again the next time I called. The time after that I asked if he would like me to get in bed with him. I knew that he could, it was obvious that was what he really wanted and I reckoned it would be easier for me than getting an aching arm. That first time did not turn out well because it was all over the moment he started touching me but after that he got much better. It happened ninety-eight times altogether including the two times I didn't get in bed with him. I know exactly because we were counting - Mannie was desperate to get to a hundred but he couldn't make in the end and even the last four times I had to do everything. The point was that he lived a year longer than the best estimate and I think that was down to me - I gave him something to live for."

"Tell me about the other two," I said.

"Actually there were three others," May remembered. "There was one called Sid that was assigned to me after Mannie died but I only visited him twice before he had a massive heart attack and he was actually the youngest of the four. It was not my fault because he died the day before I was due to make my third call. The main two were Mr Marks and Mr Stern. Mr Marks was an old friend of Mannie and they talked about me on the telephone. So when Mr Marks told me that he knew what I did with Mannie, I agreed to be nice to him as well and then it turned out that he in turn knew Mr stern who was also one of my regular calls."

"Those last two sound Jewish?" I queried.

"Mannie was as well, I don't know about Sid - you see my area was all sheltered accommodation for a Jewish organisation," my wife told me. "I'm not like you. I get on with Jews; I think they are friendly and very generous. Mannie was rather rich and he said he was going to leave all his money to me in his will and cut out the grasping relatives. I told him that he mustn't do that because the council wouldn't like it but he said he didn't care because he would not be around and they couldn't stop me getting the money. So I said, 'But what about my husband - he's bound to wonder what I did to make you so generous to me'. Mannie liked that. He gave me a naughty wink and said, 'We certainly can't go making your husband suspicious especially as I will no longer be benefiting." I told you that I didn't have an affair with any of them but I think that Mannie thought he was having an affair with me even though he knew about the other two."

"You told him that he wasn't the only geriatric that you were screwing," I said bitterly.

May ignored my sarcasm. "One day he asked me if he was the only gentleman on my round who I was making happy so I told him about Mr Marks and Mr Stern saying that it was largely his fault I had become involved with them. It didn't bother him at all because he said, 'Joe and Max, I'm glad. You know, you remind me of a girl I knew during the war called Trixie. She shared herself around too. Some nights she bunked in with me and my two pals and I expect other nights she went with others. I know for a fact that she did because on nights of the big raids, for what she called her war effort, Trixie would sneak on camp and hide behind the briefing hut. Then, no matter how tired she got, she kept spreading her legs for anybody who wanted until the last aircraft had to be airborne. I know of more than a score of good men who had their last shag on this good earth with the lovely Trixie. She did more for morale than anyone I know but they don't hand out medals for that sort of thing.' "I felt rather proud to be compared to her," May said.

Despite myself I could almost understand why May had gone with these old men but rather than let her know this I accused, "You seem to have got quite fond of Mr Mannie Morris."

"I did," May admitted. "The other two were different. I felt nothing having sex with them but it made them happy and it was easier for me than making awkward conversation for two hours.

I should perhaps feel a bit guilty about Mannie. I think that in his time he must have been quite a character, I mean, it must have taken extra nerve for someone of his religion to volunteer for aircrew, knowing it wouldn't be just a prisoner of war camp for him if he got shot down. I got to enjoy being in bed with him. There was none of the frantic passion and big orgasms that I had with Rob and Alvin - and you too for a long time, but there was great satisfaction in helping an unsung war hero to finish his life with pleasure and dignity. I had a quiet little cry he died."

"Didn't you feel at all guilty having sex with all these men?"

May gave this some thought before answering, "The old men no because I considered that just an unofficial extension to my job. I also don't feel guilty about Rob because I think I expiated my guilt by ending it with him. There was something about Rob that made him almost irresistible and I can understand why Jane stayed with him despite knowing about all his other women."

My wife paused before adding, "I didn't feel guilty about Alvin at the time but after admitting the truth about Fiona to myself, I'm feeling a bit guilty now."

"So what happens now?" I asked.

May looked almost surprised by the question. "That's up to you," she said. "As far as I am concerned I don't see why we can't just continue the contented life that we are enjoying now. At our time of life sexual things no longer have any importance and none of the things I have just told you took anything away from you."

"That's not exactly true," I protested. "Admittedly with my brother and your boss at the dress shop, from the way you were with me in bed I would never have guessed that you were also sleeping with someone else. But from what you told me about being with Mannie, you were giving him a good time but telling me that your sexual feelings were dead."

"My sexual feelings are dead. I've had a good sex life and I honestly believe that you have too but it's over now and we can't grumble. Simply due to the process of nature, my sexual responses have died now that my potential child bearing days are over and I can't do anything about it even if I wanted to. I gave Mannie no more than I still give you but the difference is that where he was very happy with that, you continue to hope that I will magically switch back to being just as passionate as I once was."

Despite believing that I had every right to feel aggrieved I did begin to see my wife's point of view. We actually spent a very contented evening after that, with no further reference to her disclosures and I went to bed with an amazing degree of peace in my mind. However, since then, the unsettling things that May has done over the years continue to gnaw at me and I switch between resolve to continue our lives together and desire to just walk away from my faithless wife and her decades of betrayal. I need your advice.

At this point Thomas folded his hands on his lap and looked at me imploringly.

I took a moment to consider and then said, "I'm not in the business of giving advice, - for one thing I've had had no training in that area. My function is to gather data and listen to life experiences in support of that. However, from listening to a great many people I have noted trends and identified factors common between different marriages - and on that basis alone I am prepared to give you an opinion."

He nodded and muttered "Fair enough." It was obvious that he had hoped for a more definitive answer but was willing to settle for anything he could get.

"I get the impression that because you have managed to remain faithful throughout your marriage when your wife patently has not, you think that this places you in the position good guy with your wife filling the role of bad," I said for openers. "On the face of it, the number of men she has engaged in extra marital sex would seem to support this contention but I beg to differ. I will immediately discount the four men that your wife 'serviced' under the auspices of the Social Services because this is classed more nearly as altruistic action rather than infidelity."

"I don't understand, Thomas interrupted, puzzlement showing on his face.

Speaking slowly, I tried to explain, "You must remember that most women can engage in sex with a complete absence of desire and that's something that almost every man would find it impossible to do. There are a number of women who, in the role of 'surrogate wives', fill a similar function by helping inadequate men to overcome sexual difficulties - and most do it with the knowledge and support of their husbands. The reward for these women is to give someone the ability for a lifetime's pleasure rather than gaining sexual satisfaction for themselves. It is not dissimilar in motivation, to unpaid work in a hospice or volunteer work with the underprivileged in this country or another."

I took a deep breath and paused, giving Thomas time to assimilate these words of wisdom before I continued by saying, "Now I come to Rob and Alvin. I can't deny that these were blatant cases of cheating - but I must also include your own, intended but aborted infidelity with Fiona. Also another factor to be considered is your vehement stance on marital fidelity at the start of the marriage compared to your wife's more pragmatic attitude. On the face of it May was likely to being unfaithful while you were not and yet in practice I find you equally culpable."

My last sentence annoyed my client. "I don't see how you can say that," he said sharply.

This was the crux of my argument and I felt that Thomas had to understand if he was ever to find peace of mind. "Had you been alone with Fiona that time and able to leap on her in the heat of the moment, I very much doubt if your vaunted principles would have held you back. On the other hand, with either Rob or Alvin, had May made a long train journey to the assignation only to find herself in a dingy motel room, with used condoms already in the waste paper basket, would she have opened her legs with the same abandon or might it perhaps have given her cause for second thoughts?"

Thomas shifted uncomfortably in his chair showing that I had successfully challenged his long established view. Before he could rise to leave I gave him the concluding argument. "All of the husbands of unfaithful wives that I see have only an average or below penis size," I said. "It's now generally accepted that women are genetically programmed to be promiscuous so it is logical that wives of under endowed men have even greater incentive. But your wife never sought out her lovers and I take it as testimony of her love for you that, having once discovered what more was on offer in the world, she allowed so many years to intervene before again being tempted by the offer of extra pleasure. I think that you have enjoyed a long and almost exemplary marriage so you will be a bloody fool if you walk away from it."

My client stood stiffly and extended his hand. "Thank you," he said, "You've given me a great deal to think about."

For some reason this case had penetrated my professional shell. As he left, a sadder but hopefully wiser man, I fervently hoped Thomas would be able to reclaim his contented life.